looser

Why it feels so weird?

I feel like I am in a movie kind of a thing. I feel like I look at everything from a perspective of a viewer.

I don't understand that, it makes me feel anxious it bring some weird memories back, which I am fully unable to put in place, I don't know why I feel that way. I feel worried and can't stop that feeling, On the other hand it is understandable because you can not work on something you don't understand.

It was pretty good, lazy day today. The bad thing is that I eat and eat and eat. I though I won't go to the toilet to throw out, I did it only once. Now I feel heavy and uncomfortable as I eat sandwiches and had tea, but I don't want to go and vomit all out. I feel tired and sad , my mind goes completely blank at times. I hate to be anxious and I don't like this worrying feeling in my chest. I wish I could change it , but can I?

I can probably with motivation and positive thinking, I should be able to pull it through, but do I want that ? On the other side? Maybe I meant to be worried and sad, with my mask on when facing people around me or when working.

I am ashamed of my mental problems and I don't discuss that with anyone. I don't feel comfortable to talk to people about it as I think they will think I am crazy. I don't want to be judged, it is enough that I make myself miserable at times because of all the feelings I have. I wish I could push the button and it will make everything so easy and simple. I can't and that's the problem, I am unable to take charge of my life, I am not in control and when I am realising that it makes me more frustrated and unhappy. Why I can not control my actions and behaviour at times, why I can not be in charge of my life? I am weak, very weak I give up a lot without any logical reason. When I was younger and prettier I was somehow in charge. I choose the people I meet on my way, I choose who I slept with and at times I felt so dirty and disgusting. I was behaving like a whore, sleeping with a man around. Not feeling any guilt, only at times I felt like this was wrong, I got paid for sex so many times. But on the other hand I needed the money, so this was kind of a solution for me. I am unable to do that now as my body is disgusting me, I have so many stretch marks all over and in such a weird place that I am ashamed to get naked in front of my husband, the other thing is that I am so bloody  fat that I hate to show that to others. Even if I want sometimes. I need to lose weight and if I will I will be more comfortable with myself , my confidence will improve and I might be able to go out and do things around. Why I am not determined enough? 

I feel odd, like I am in my own world, bad fantasy world when nothing goes as I planned. It is sad to even think about it. As no one even read those posts I am not even worried that I will have someone who knows me reading it . Never mind I just let the emotions out.  

rage and hunger

I think I am raging lately I binge a lot  more than before, and then I feel guilty and then I punish myself. I don't actually see the point in that, but I am doing it. I know it is wrong, as wrong as not eating, but actually if I wouldn't eat will be better for me, I wouldn't waste the food neither money spend on it. My son get really frightened when I shout at him, he cries, but he doesn't listen when I ask him to do something, and then my patience ends and I am like a Vulcan, I blow out with such an anger and then, I am sorry and I am ashamed and I hate it. I don't understand the way it is but I know that the feeling of anger is so overwhelming that I cannot control it at all. I know inside that my behaviour is bad , but I am unable to stop it and I know I will be regreting it shortly after. My moods are really showing off as well I can go from one extreme to another in a matter of minutes. Which is really bad and makes me uncomfortable. I can get tired in a moment so bad that I feel like I will fall asleep standing. I can get really hyper and start doing a lot of things, or just occupy myself to keep going. I get frustrated and it makes me unhappy I would rather don't care about things so I will have peace of mind, but no, I am a challenging person . I feel like going on a diet and eating less and loosing weight is helping my confidence like everyone anyway. I just want to be more focus on my goal I want to be more determined, like you see throughout the weekend I haven't lost any weight I think it was because I binge so much and purge. I think I had gained like 2ib over 2 days. I crave chocolate, and curry. This makes me sad because I really want to achieve the goal of my weight loss and I crave and binge and eat, eat, eat. Where instead of eating I should just drink water or green tea, or anything to cheat my stomach and my cravings. I want it to stop, I want to be able to lose weight I want to be able to control my anger, I want to be patient and set an example to my little man. But I am not doing it , and this makes me very frustrated, I have to punish myself because I am not achieving the target as I want to. I need to concentrate more on the goal, try to be more patient, stop binging, eat less, exercise more. I am working today so it shouldn't be so bad as I don't like to eat at work as I got heavy and lazy, and I hate to be lazy because the time doesn't go when you are not doing anything.

 

I just need to achieve everything I thought of

BTW it is how I looked with weight 115kg    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

weight loss

The Friday , the week before last I had chat with someone on fb , it happened that it was a total hoax - the person didn't exist. No worries though I learned to be careful, but agreed with The Person to take on a diet . And guess what I am doing it , although I still binge and purge. Like today total waste of food and money as everything what went in, come out this same way. Just because I binge I feel this burning feeling in my throat, it's uncomfortable and my stomach hurts, and I feel so full and just yuck. But back to the topic , so I have lost weight, as on Friday the 10th of august I weighed 115kg I dropped down to 110kg. I am amazed and cannot fully believe it. I am more determined now the only issue is that I binge. Tomorrow I will take money for a water to work and that's it, I will try to have a breakfast which will be shredded wheat 200calories and this should keep me going, than water through the day and some energy drinks - 150 Cal, when I finish work I might have a salad which will be 300 calls -because of a mayo and croutons, this salad makes me feel really full. I hope it will work for me .

I am in the place that I am afraid that this can transform to anorexia I don't want to be anorexic, no offence to anyone, I don't want to be  this bony as the girl on the picture.

Although I want to look like this girl, very pretty and thin as I want to be, I just hope I can keep it up . I need a motivated and tips how to cheat my cravings and hunger, I honestly hate to exercise but I have somehow physical work replenishing rollers with drinks. I do housework so I actually burn some calories. I need to lose at least 50kg, that is a long way ahead of me . If anyone wants to contribute to my goal please comment with any possible tips for not eating, not craving and cheating all the hunger feelings as much as possible. I will appreciate all comments and tips on that subject. I have to lose weight and it has to be as quick as possible.

On the other hand this is still ED so nevermind if I suffer of anorexia or bulimia , right? I just want to be slim, it is consuming my mind now.

thoughts

I am tired of life and being the person I am at times like now, I feel very low and fully consumed by the pain which is deep inside me. I want to run to the end of the world and I am unable to as there is no end.My thoughts are my main enemy. I just thought of the moment my mum found her dad dying on the floor in his flat - he had a cancer which took his life. But how awkward it have to be to found someone you love at the end of their life path. It makes me sad. My nana was suffering from dementia so her memory wasnt good at times she was saying that she is a young woman, she didn't know at times that my mother was her daughter - sad as well. My mother is going through simular path of loosing memory, she might have dementia in future, so do I - As woman genes are the one which are more valunrable to get dementia.

But that's the think pain is so overwelming and it feels like there is no stopping there, mind is concentrainting on it so badly, I am unable to think about anythink else. My pain is massive I just cfan think about it and about the sllep, although I am going to work so I can not sllep. Hopefully when I will go out it will help me to take my mind off those thoughts I have.

mmm sad :(  xoxo

CBT- review of presenting difficulties and issues

I received the letter today with the dates available to book my short  introduction to CBT - it is called a workshop. It is designed to help understand CBT and make the best use of sessions- the letter explains.

So she wrote this letter and at first there is in bold "Review of presenting difficulties and risk issues".

I quote :

"You have explained that you have been experiencing anxiety and fear about dealing with everyday issues, especially work-related once, and that you can be extremely self-critical. You reported having frequent nightmares which leave you with strong feelings of sadness and fear. You described frequent mood swings , and said you face difficulty with binge eating and bulimia approximately once a week. This difficulty started when you were 13 years of age. 

You explained that you experience frequent thoughts of suicide , although you would not act on those because of your family. At times you can slap yourself in the face , and you have recently started to cut superficially on your legs, as a way to distract yourself from painful feelings.

You explained that you were disappointed that it takes so long for you to have some psychological help. You explained that when you were 20 years of age you were hospitalised in a unit for 2 weeks, and were told you are borderline, but not offered psychological support."

So to make this clear I don't think she really was listening to me, first of all. I will start from the end of the letter which starts "you explained...".

 So yes I said I was disappointed as I was waiting 16 weeks for "that theraphy"?!

This assessment is done by G was exactly this same as the one over the phone over 16 weeks ago, and in the letters they wrote that I will actually have 1-2-1 CBT and that they had put me on the waiting list and the longest I would wait is 16 weeks! Lie ! 

I waited and what? Did I start the therapy? - No. I am still on the waiting list ! That makes me fuming inside, makes me angry and makes me feel like, yea no one cares!

The part with the hospital is alright and that psychiatrist said to me that I am borderline. But I didn't want their help as they put me on very strong medication and I wasn't able to think nor do anything. I was constantly sleeping and I felt completely numb. That's why I decided to leave the hospital, so I had an appointment with my psychiatrist after the discharge but I wasn't bothered to come to that meeting . So someone actually wanted to support me, but I felt if I don't take a good care of myself, no one would be able to help me.

The middle part "you explained.....Thoughts of suicide" the first part is ok , as yes I think of suicide but I don't want to leave my son alone I want to see him grow and starting his own life. About the slapping in the face, I hit myself not slap, I at times use other stuff to hit myself in the head. Cut superficially - Hmmm? Yes they aren't very deep cuts and usually they are superficial.  Yes I cut because the feelings of anxiety and sadness, cause the pain insight me, it is not a painful feeling it is an actual pain insight my chest.

"You explained ....Anxiety" yes this part have the most info , anxiety and fear yes, but not work related issues. I said to her I changed the job and I love it. It is just me now, I feel sad and anxious without any particular reason. I have this sadness feeling which doesn't cause the pain where sometimes even when I am happy I will feel overwhelming pain inside and I cannot rid of it, and I am unable to explain that at all. I said about the nightmares I have which doesn't leave me with sadness and fear, but make my morning mood affected. What I meant was I can wake up sad and after a moment something will trigger me and I will be happy, or annoyed or angry, or whatever.  Mood swings, oh yes a lot of mood swings, binge eating and bulimia approx once a week - hmm lets say 2-3 times a week average, as I don't binge sometimes for weeks and I don't purge for weeks . But then I have days like yesterday I binged and purged 4 times, her listening skills are a bit affected. Binging about 13 years of age , yes approx.

So I don't feel great about it , the letter doesn't state all the facts, as I said before I don't like G. She reminds me of my ex manager who I hate so much that I cannot even describe it.

Where she included a part about trust and my feelings - like ppl are against me , where she put that I feel frightened that I don't trust anyone. That I feel like I am fooled a lot of times , where is the part about the anger and rage, when I explained her my biggest fear is that I will really hurt my husband or my child. None of those, but hell yea we will try CBT I just hope I will get it in time.

XOXO

JUST MY THOUGHTS...

Just fucking annoyed, bloddy hell I am exhausted :(

survivour

I feel empowered as not many of us is able to work, I am the lucky one, I have to work . For me the job is like a medication takes my mind out of things. That's why I am still here, I am surviving and I am capable of doing things for myself. I work to kill the time as sometimes I feel like time is my enemy, If I have to much time I will plan the murder, I will harm myself, I will abuse myself, I will get angry and be tired of life. So working is keeping me sane and I manage to work well under pressure. 

I am pretty hyper at work just because I love to do so many things at this same time , I am unable to be bored, if I am, I am tired, I feel like there is no point of me being at work. Then I will feel sick and I want to go home, that is basically how I am. 

I meant to be strong and I am trying to be, but life is cruel and is hurting me , I try to defend as much as I can, how long yet I will manage to be strong?

Feeling tired and anxious and sad somehow I feel like there is no energy in me anymore. The weird thing is when I am going to work I get the energy supply , and I really work hard. 

I was somehow able to delete myself from my followers , yey me ! I am proud of myself.

everything crap

how I did managed to add my blog as the follower to my blog I have no idea, but as well I don't know how how to unfollow it, crap, it made me so angry and frustrated. How the hell did I done that?

I'm angry all my muscels are tense, I am doing lunch for me and my LO and his questions are so annoying. I am rude to him - I'm trying my best not to be. I shut my mouth and tell my self to calm down , he is just a 5 year old who want's to talk to someone. As he is at home with me so I am the one to talk to. But it just makes me angry and frustrated, I am trying to think about  the way he feels.I should know better as noone was ever listen to me. I am just being judgmental with him I think.
Yes I am a selfish indyvidual who wants almost everythink to be my way or no way. I know it is hard to be with me when I got angry, when I feel in moment I will blow out. I am unhappy because of the way I am. I don't want to be like that and it is so hard not to be. I screamed a lot before but now I am trying to calm myself down befor raging on others, actually only people closest to me. Why I don't do that at work, why I dont argue much and just step out of the way from people who are kind a argumentative, rarely in those ocassions I will fight back. I do become angry and frustrated and upset because of other peope being rude to me or by they behaviour or comments. I am not sure why is that the way it is. I know for sure if they really make me angry I will think about it forever, and I will feel pain and anxiety inside. I will never trust the person who hurt me , on the other hand I think I am so fullish to believe that people are changing. After some time I will help the abuser, or even have a laugh or do a favour for them. Why?

I was thinking about the test I had with Giovanna, I am not quiet sure why I agrred to that. Why I didn't walk out when I find out that this is another assessment. And then she told me that I will have to wait again!!! For so many weeks I waited so why now she is telling me again that there is such a long waiting list? It is frustrating, I dont know if other people going throug that with this same heart ache. I mean it is sad, pointles, they make you to believe that they want to help you and then what, just abandoned you. Leave you to another doctor, or therapist or clinitian , as other bloggers say they just fire you. This is very bad as I dont want to deal with dozen people. I would love to have one GP and one clinitian, who will help me through the way to recovery, is it to much to ask for?

So I didnt get the job, they called me and told me that it was a very strong interview but they have choosen someone with more experience. The reason why I applied for the job was no need of experience, it is a pity coz acctually they should consider people without experience as first. O never mind , I hate them!

I decidet not to look for a job any longer untill I will come back from my christmass holidays, but honestly I change my mind every 15 minutes. Let see how it goes.

I feel trapped inside my body, I feel like I am not free, I want to do nothing. But I can't I need to clean up as it makes me upset when its messy. I can not walk to work coz I don't want to, or I am sweating to much, or it is raining or for any other reason. I want to be left alone with my thoughts, sadness, tiredness and without anyone pity, as I pity myself enough. I am a strong personality but I have my week ponts at this same time, I hate to cry - I feel that it is a weekness. I am contradicting myself very often which confuses even me.

Giovanna asked me what I would like to achieve, so I told her I don't know. I know myself as I am now, for as long as I remember, this is me, and I am not quiet sure if I want to change. I don't know, then, what I want to achieve with the CBTheraphy. Now I feel like do I really need it ? I coped for the whole of my life, I was strong enough to pull it all together, when I need it . I might be able to do it again as mine main trigger has gone - my previous job. Now I should concentrate on programming myself to have a good thoughts by motivating myself, and believing in it.

 On the other hand I rage now, as I remind myself about a girl who I know who was going to school with me to this same class actually. She is getting married in a few weeks with engilsh man. I am angry because of that, I am angry that she has a £2000 p/w job. It makes me fuming, am I jelaus, I think I am. I hate to admit it though. She is acting like she doesn't know mw that's why she makes me so angry, and the thing that she is marrying a rich english man, grrry . I want to punish her, as I feel so mad at her.

CBT

So I meet Giovanna- that is the right spelling of her name. She was so similar to my ex manager who I hate deeply, somehow even without seeing her I disliked her which was strange for me. The moment I had seen her, she made me realise that these have to be the seventh sense or something as I dislike her just like that. Anyhow I suppose to have CBT right, so what happened yesterday was another test. I mean I didn't have any therapy whatsoever, why I meet with her I find out when I arrived at the Right Steps.

When I came I got a test to do, so I did. Then my appointment was at 9am , she came to me at 9.07am. Where we actually enter the building together. I didn't know how to enter the building and she showed me. When she introduced herself I laughed to myself. She had a very strong handshake, squeezed my hand and I felt like she is over confident. I come into the room she asked me to sit down and explained that she will make a test to find out if I am suitable for CBT?!?! WTF, I spend an hour on the phone with a person who did exactly this same thing! The exact test ! Same questions! What a fucking waste of time and taxpayers money! It made me really frustrated , but more angry I become when she told me at the end that now she will put me on the waiting list for CBT. O I thought, this will be it, but hold on,she have told me that now after two or three weeks someone will book an appointment for me for a........ ONE DAY CBT COURSE!!!!!!! I was angry, I ask her how this could help me , she asked me what help I am looking for. I have no bloody idea, I don't really know what is wrong with me as there is so much going on, it is like a mix of disorders. And she is asking me?????

Then she told me that maybe 6 weeks after the one day course I will be able to attend the CBT therapy. I forgot to mention that she told me that this one day course is for me to have a deeper understanding what this is about. What the CBT is and if I would feel like this is for me or not, and then I can decide if I want to go for it or for something different. Hmm, now when I remind myself about it , I feel calmer. There is a point there. If I really wouldn't want to go for CBT what else could I choose? I feel hopeless and I don't feel like anyone is helping me. My medication is not the best, believe me , it doesn't make me happy whatsoever. It's suppose to make me feel better. I don't feel the difference. I think propranolol is helping, as the panic attacks are under control. Although today I had a bad pain on the left side of my chest. I was wondering if it is my heart which aches, but then I realised that someone said before if it is the heart it will hurt at the back or in the middle of the chest. Well there was something , maybe stress.

Coming back to my meeting with Giovanna, I don't understand actually what had happened. I have a letter saying that I am having one to one CBT therapy, was that it? It was one to one definitely. Sigh , I am tired with all that and I don't feel happy, I feel more frustrated how it is going now. I actually don't believe that I will get the help I need. I need to save money for a psychiatric assessment , to find out what is wrong with me  : S

Let see how it goes and I will update on my one day CBT course which I suppose to have in 2 weeks time, lovely, ha?

inseciure

I'm angry with myself I have no idea why this is happening to me , why I cannot stop thinking how stupid I am. I have enough of my own stupidity, the point here is having a conversation with myself. My thoughts are so annoying at times, that I want them to just shut up. They are like , shut up - no you shut up! Then I laugh to myself as I realise that I want to shut myself up and none of me want to be quiet. It makes me freaking tired. Today at work I had thought about so many things especially about the interviews I had and the reasons why the management didn't choose me for neither of the posts. I think I am just so useless and cannot pull myself together any longer. I want to just stop. Stop my thinking, stop the feeling that I'm somehow nuts. I thought today again that people around me at work just lie to me and they don't like me and that I am just a worthless. That everyone is actually against me and that I hate all of them. I feel like they talk about me behind my back and that they don't wish me well. Management and colleagues want to find out my deepest secrets so they can use it against me , I feel like I don't want to work there anymore. It is bad I feel delusional, like I think I exaggerate but as well I think I am right. What the hell?! 

I am freaking out with all that and I am bloody confused.

The other weird thing is that lately I am loosing my jewellery. I mean one day I woke up with only one earring in my ear, I thought it slide out somehow at night. I looked everywhere around the bed in bed and bedding and couldn't find it. I tried to remind myself if I had taken it out somehow, and I remember that at night my ear felt uncomfortable . But I had no idea that I removed the earing. Why I say that , because two days later I had found the earring in the lounge and it was closed - it was a heart shaped stud. So how the hell I did that I don't have any recollection whatsoever. The other thing was my earring - hoop, I woke up and my ear was painful and swollen , I have taken the earring out because it was hurting me . But why ?It was all healed already. It felt like I was turning it in the earhole, but I actually couldn't do that as earing is to thick to turn it around. Then the nose stud, my nose didn't heal fully yet but for the last month was alright, no swelling and no bleeding. Today I woke up to find my nose hurting on the side with piercing. I looked my my stud was half way out. This stud has a ball at the end and that's why I don't take it out because it hurts. Why it was half way out then?!

It feels weird, and strange, and I feel like I am loosing my mind somehow lately, feeling so suspicious about everything and tired.

I hate to feel that way, I hate to think that way, I hate to be suspicious, and think that people are against me. 

I am tired of all that, and I want to scream and shout because I feel so stressed and angry, frustrated, sad , mad, tired, insecure, lonely, and constantly looking behind my back. 

ble uh, fed up

I'm so bloody anxious , that's because I haven't heard from none of the jobs I had interview for . They said they would reply till friday and they didn't. I am angry and that's because I wasn't good enough for them to offer me the job. Having such a hope for a new job and I thought that I did well, suprise I haven't. It is upseting and dissapointing. I'm tired of myself.

I feel so weird it is like, deep down, I know I still have a chance for the job and the more concious me feels like I lost it already. I constantly think about it and can not really stop. I think that I was to ugly for the job or that my english wasn't good enough or that they didn' like my personality or the answers for the questions they had werent good enough or all of the above. I feel lost, as I don't acctually know how I feel. That's so annoying coz I am so confused and I don't undorstand much of the feelings I have at the moment. I feel tired and sad, my mind is playing me again. I think how uselless I feel and how pathetic I am. I want to sleep, like, forever. Though I havent't got an email that they don't want me either. GRRY annoyed, and dont know what to think, I can not be more patient as I am patient as I can be at the moment. I want to scream , I'm tired.

I think about my nana I loved her so much, I think with everythink I had go through my life I loved her even when I thought I hated her. There is my grate aunt which I love as much as well, and my dad. I think of nana recently, she passed away 3 years ago. I miss her, just her tiny figure and her eyes and hands and how she called my name. I was her favorite, and only granddaughter, until her dementia took over and she started to be confused and at times she hurt me very badly. She accused me of stealing things from her which I honestly  didn't take. I did stole money from her but not then when she accused me of. I miss her and love her so much.

I want to cry, I am so useless. I just can not believe how I survived till now. Now I am unable to kill myself even if I want to. The motivation to live is my little son who I love more than anything in this world.

Compleatly mixed up, confused and lost.

priorities

I had my second interview , and I think it went well but not as good as the one yesterday. I just hope I would get one of those jobs finger crossed .

I feel like so much depend on me , I am afraid that if I will change my job I won't be able take time off in sept as my LO is going to school, and I want one of those jobs so badly. The other thing is CBT and voluntary work, and to look after LO when I am back from work. Basically a lot is going on now, and I just pray I could manage everything without any huge sacrifices. I mean, I want to do all that but priority is my child and work and then is therapy and voluntary work. I want to be very organised, so I will manage all that with ease. Am I able to do that ? Then in September I am starting school as well, so this is addition to all that and again question if I will cope? Maybe it is too much to take at once , but what I could sacrifice? It is better to have the therapy than does voluntary work, and school is more important as well. But then before CBT is my family and job . And then again if I sacrifice CBT I won't be able to sort out my life and this means that I will struggle at times again.

As other bloggers are saying that the therapy help them to learn how to cope with the day to day life. That it makes them better with rage, anger, and self harm where some include eating disorders as well. I want to be better I want to learn how to cope, I need to learn to control my mind and for my mind not to control me. I am getting better some how as I try to control myself, I try to persuade myself that it's not so bad and there is no point to be violent . But recently when my son made me upset I just grabbed him by his top pull closer and said to him to stop being annoying. Which isn't a right behaviour for a mother. Is it? I pushed my husband recently to the wall with a neck lock and just wanted to hit him, and I have seen his scared eyes. It was some stupid small thing which I have forgotten already, and this happened like two days ago. So I need the therapy, sigh.

Where my job is needed to support us, as my hubby new part time job is starting at the end of August. So when I will work full time I will earn for the nursery fees and the rent for a flat. Where his money will go towards expenses, bills, debits and credit card payments. Uh, this makes me more anxious than I expected. Money is my constant worry, that's why I really need one of those jobs as they pay way more than I am earning now. I not only want it I need it. 

I need one of those jobs to gain an experience, to earn more money, to continue my study. I might be able to take the loan for my next year of study. I thought of buying a bike as well so there won't be a need to top up my oyster card, as I won't have to use a bus to work. But this is expencive too. Oh well that's life.

So I am trying hard and I am comfortable with that at the moment, but if ...... In a month or so, something will change, if I won't be able to cope with all that pressure, what if I will become more angry and my panic attacks start again. What if I will have more of those, like in a dream, moments, when my world will spin around : what if I will become more depressed and tired of whatever I will be doing? What if the voice in my head will visit more often and make me hurt myself more. There is a lot of , what if... Questions in my head, and this makes me unsettled and anxious and worried.

If I could only have answers to that, but I don't, and that's annoying. I want to be a calm and patient person who can solve problems without becoming angry and frustrated. I want to set a good example to my LO who is just stepping slowly in this strange big world, I want to guide him and show him the best of people. But I am not as I want to be, which makes me upset AGAIN! 

 

I want my boy to be a smart and reliable person , who would have a lot of to offer, who would want to discover the mysteries of the world who will have a passion for life and be happy as happy as human can be. I want him to become a smart, communicative, emotionally stable adult. I don't want him to be like me, I don't want him to suffer like me , I want him to feel loved and cared for, I want him to experience the feelings and be able to deal with them easily.

I want so much for him, and I love him soooooo muuuuch !

xoxo

:) / :(

Creation in my mind

The sadness of every day

The pain I feel inside 

The rage and bruised hands

Those cuts on legs are nothing 

Compare to hurting soul

The thouts race through my head

Will they stop at all?

I cry my heart out but there are no tears

It's anger which consuming me

The bloody mind is playing me 

The dream so weird and sad 

Those people in my dream 

Their pain is mine

Leave me alone and don't go away

I don't want you near me 

But I want you to be here

I'm like two magnets with opposite poles

It troubles me so much and it doesn't at all

I'm happy 

I'm putting my mask on and play the role 

The life story

The real me, inside, hidden and scared 

Who has outbursts of anger, and anxiety so deep

With troubled mind and the blade in my hand 

I write the story about my life.

Is that me ?

Those are like two different people

But I am only one

with my two different lives

first interview

I had my interview today and it was brilliant. I didn't smile and laughed like that for ages, the interviewers made me very comfortable and I enjoyed the experience. It was a very nice atmosphere and one of the interviewers showed to me the place when I would work if I would get the job. I mentioned earlier that I have two interviews, one I had today and the other one is sheduled for tomorrow. I even was able to meet a manager who will be interviewing me tomorrow, which is a good sign, I think. It made my day, now just to wait for a feedback and the second interview tomorrow. Lets hope,  I will get the job !

Wish me luck xoxo

TWO JOB INTERVIEWS !

Hello . So I have two interviews coming up one is tomorrow and one on Friday. Both with council and both in HR, and I hope to get one of those two jobs. If I will be , by any chance, offered both I will be so damn happy. It would be the JOB. One post is for fix term contract but that's alright, it gives me an experience I am looking for. It might make my way easier after that. I know I can be very passionate and sometimes I know what I want , and now I want one of those jobs. I have to give everything I have on those interviews and prepare myself mentally for that, as I want to have one of those jobs. That's even more exciting as it is a job in a council! Daaa, I really want this job , not only want I must get it. I know I have to highly persuade my mind to think I will get it , so then I will think harder and give the best I can. I am afraid though that my mind will go completely blank when I get there. This will be sad, and it might demotivate me for the Friday interview. I just don't know how it will all go, but I have to hope for the best.