ble uh, fed up

I'm so bloody anxious , that's because I haven't heard from none of the jobs I had interview for . They said they would reply till friday and they didn't. I am angry and that's because I wasn't good enough for them to offer me the job. Having such a hope for a new job and I thought that I did well, suprise I haven't. It is upseting and dissapointing. I'm tired of myself.

I feel so weird it is like, deep down, I know I still have a chance for the job and the more concious me feels like I lost it already. I constantly think about it and can not really stop. I think that I was to ugly for the job or that my english wasn't good enough or that they didn' like my personality or the answers for the questions they had werent good enough or all of the above. I feel lost, as I don't acctually know how I feel. That's so annoying coz I am so confused and I don't undorstand much of the feelings I have at the moment. I feel tired and sad, my mind is playing me again. I think how uselless I feel and how pathetic I am. I want to sleep, like, forever. Though I havent't got an email that they don't want me either. GRRY annoyed, and dont know what to think, I can not be more patient as I am patient as I can be at the moment. I want to scream , I'm tired.

I think about my nana I loved her so much, I think with everythink I had go through my life I loved her even when I thought I hated her. There is my grate aunt which I love as much as well, and my dad. I think of nana recently, she passed away 3 years ago. I miss her, just her tiny figure and her eyes and hands and how she called my name. I was her favorite, and only granddaughter, until her dementia took over and she started to be confused and at times she hurt me very badly. She accused me of stealing things from her which I honestly  didn't take. I did stole money from her but not then when she accused me of. I miss her and love her so much.

I want to cry, I am so useless. I just can not believe how I survived till now. Now I am unable to kill myself even if I want to. The motivation to live is my little son who I love more than anything in this world.

Compleatly mixed up, confused and lost.