neurosis

My heart pounding , my hands are sweaty is this an anxiety.
I feel numb and so empty , sadness , pain in my chest my head is spinning
I am hyper , doing a few things at a time , don't finish one task but starting another is that bipolar?
Can not stand people but can not be alone either, having those voices in my head,
rage and self harm to ease the mental pain ,
this male voice in my head telling me what a worthless whore I am ,
Pity myself for what the life had brought to me,
That the life is bad a cruel itself and there is no point in life,
Is that a borderline ?
feeling like you are unable to breath , your face is flushing red from luck of oxygen,
tingling feeling in your hands and legs, chills all over your body, feeling hot
and then cold , is it a panic?
Low mood, food binge, not eating , constant sleeping,
don't want to move lay in bead numb, looking in to ceiling
will you call it depression?

Those all are called neurotic disorders , and as many as 60 % of diagnosed people have more than one of the disorders above, so are they all neurotic then?

I had been actually diagnosed with neurotic disorder back in 2003 , so the doc couldn't pin my symptoms strictly to one of the disorders , which made her put general diagnosis as a neurosis.
Well now those things start be be more clear to me than they were before. Continue my digging
xoxo

I got a new med to take it at night to help me sleep through the night, this isn't good though because of side effects which highly affect me. Last night I woke up to my regular panic attack which had passed somehow quickly, then I woke up all shaken up , it felt like I had spasms, my abdomen hurt and my head. I felt like I am dying , I was so very cold , sweating extremely , feeling poorly and I thought that I am scared so much. Today I had done some research and it fits with the serotonin syndrome , which is too much of serotonin in  the body. I am so tired, I slept through the day and now finally I feel rested. I called the surgery and asked for my GP to cal me back , but she hasn't , so I will take the tablet tonight but lower dose, the tablet is 30mg so I  will cut it on a half and to see how it goes.

Xoxo

gp

So I had seen my GP today , I had a spirometry test done last week and the results were ok , which means no asthma  That lives us with anxiety attacks  that is what I suffer of recently , and that is why I had been so exhausted lately, as after each attack my energy levels hit the ground. Today my GP told me that she spoke to A. - my therapist , and that they both decided that I have to be reffered to a psychiatrist for an assessment- finally!

She said to me :
GP - I had spoke to A. and she seemed really nice.
I was stunned at this point I didn't know what to say and just stare at her.
GP - What?!  ... what?!
me - nothing I don't say anything - I felt surprised and dreaded that moment.
I felt like she had been totally rude to me.

Well not a first and not a last time probably, although I will have the assessment , which is a good thing, then I will know what to do.

So I got another medication to the fluoxetine and propranolol which is mirtazepine 30mg, this med suppose to help me sleep and have a bit of affect on changing mood. It is strongly advised for depression , so let see if it will help with my panic attacks.

xoxo

"normal"

Making it simpler, I am actually feeling "normal" where with me it looks like I am not as sad and miserable as I was before, I am not hyper as I had been for the couple of days - weekend, I feel ok, I am not anxious - not as much as before. I am not cutting, I don't think of suicide, I haven't got racing thoughts, my mind isn't completely blank, which makes me feel more settled. Though I binge and purge, I think about self harming, I feel sleepy, my thoughts and moves are kind a slow, and yesterday I felt kind a detached at work.

I would love to know why I am the way I am , I would like to know how can I help myself, I want to have the diagnosis, even if it is just GAD I need to know. Panic attacks had slowed down lately they are not so horrific as before, but still leave me exhausted  and without a bit of energy.

I feel like I will snap from this normal state today, at some point, as I mentioned before I feel like harming myself, but the thoughts aren't so strong yet to make me do it. I feel like I need sleep, just cuddle up with the pillow and a duvet and get rest and maybe some uplifting dreams.

Why not ? I am off work today , nobody is at home, I think I will use this time to rest.

xoxo 

symptoms , thoughts, conclusions

I wanted so badly , yesterday , to write a post. I had so much to say in my mind. When I sat down and thought from what to start , my mind went blank, like I had no thoughts at all, ideas died then and there. Well now I want to write about my symptoms, thoughts, behavior and conclusions.

I am now in the chaotic place, although I am tired. I have snap moments where I pinch or punch myself, I call myself names in my head - this was so strong yesterday, as well as J. showed up again , so we had sex. I disgust myself, he disgust me, his penis, tong, hands, his smell and his dirty face. Why am I doing it , you may ask. I don't know, I am clearly aware that this is not something I want to do , like I don't have the power to control this. I feel so dirty and ashamed of myself, I almost got sick - physically nauseous, when I saw his sperm and his red, weak penis. I feel sick now when I think about it, but also I know I will do it again, this might be a few days, weeks, but I know myself that long that I know that this will happened.
I have those racing thoughts, but at times my mind goes totally blank. I am kind a slow I am unable to rush even though I want to. I am tired, but unable to lay down and sleep, like there is something in me what prevents me from doing it. She is more out now, I think yesterday my inner me was out all day, which I don't mind, as I was working a whole day. Then I went to have a sex with J. then I got home, had a bath and had sex with my husband- which was so nice, passionate and so fulfilling . Though I know it was wrong and I feel like it justified that I had cheated on him - again.
I was very depressed lately like let say two days ago I felt like killing myself, as I didn't see a purpose of my life. I usually exist not live a life. Which makes me more depressed and sad, and it is like a circle, though even then during the day I will have moments where I will laugh, smile, but I will come back to being miserable very quickly and without any warning. This disturbs me, because I don't know what will happened and I can not plan anything as even if I plan something , my mood will change and then the plan is completely different.
I feel today like going shopping , spend some money and make myself happy, yes that makes me happy, even if not happy it satisfies me. Makes me feel a bit better, although I haven't got the money and I strongly fight the urge to go and spend. I have a credit card which is in debit, but there is still money left there. I just feel like spending.
And I feel so let down I hate my GP she is a nasty little bitch which doesn't know what is in my head.

Now I had a brake from writing , and now I am back. It is 2.15 am I couldn't fall asleep , so I thought I may write the rest.

So now knowing how bipolar works I may say that it is starting the manic faze with me now- only if I am bipolar, as I may not be. Many different thoughts, started a lot of different tasks today but some of them haven't been finished. I was tiding up and throwing all unimportant stuff, and actually went shopping, although bought only groceries. I was in bed and started to have the attack, short of breath, headache, feeling like my heart moved to my throat , the blood pressure and pulse was alright so I am not worried. I read that there doesn't have to be a trigger to make you feel up or down , it sounds like me. The episodes last for days or weeks or months, here I am more like borderline, just because without a trigger I can be happy or depressed, or hyper, or manic, or anything you can think of which changes within an hour or jump from one extreme to another during the day. I crave chocolate , so I am treating myself with a cuppa and chocolate digestives. I know it is very bad , I plan to go on diet again, but I am unsure if I could manage that. On the other hand I think if I want to start diet , this is the right time as I will keep myself constantly occupied, so I might try it.

I was at the surgery today , having my spirometry done, after that I went to the reception to ask which of the practitioners are specialise in mental health, as you know that my GP is useless. So after next week appointment I will book myself appointment with another GP as I feel like I hate the current one.

Well I think  it is time to have a cigarette and go back to bed for a little lay down.
xoxo

I got thinking now.

Am I bipolar ? What is it? Why the therapist thinks that?

I shall find out what is it , I will do a research now.

xoxo

tired

I am in a bad place right now,the attacks keep happening and I feel so tired of all that. I dont know what is wrong with me and the GP doesn't know either. I am unsure what I am doing and why am I doing it. I cut today , one cut to my leg, it didn't hurt at all , it didn't even bleed much. But it was deepest ever. It is bleeding now and it is a bit painful. I cover it with a dressing but I know I should had it stitched, though tomorrow I will set up a first aid kit for myself, if for any reason this will happened again. I will need a plasters which can be used as stitches and some dressings to cover it all up. I was surprised that the cut was so deep, and I felt like I will faint, as I hate the look of blood, and the wound was deep and I could see the skin layers - yuck.
Why I have done it ? I was in so much mental pain , my heart was hurting , my head felt so heavy. I was at work and I was in a very low mood , like I wasn't before. I REALLY HAD TO PUT AN EFFORT TO SMILE. I felt good after , it strangely made me feel relieved and so light inside.
I thought to myself that it doesn't hurt me , which was strange, but it took my mind off the pain I felt inside. I was feeling better.

I will see A. tomorrow I feel fed up like there is no help for me. No one wants to help an I haven't got the power to keep fighting, I feel like I am so alone and no one cares. I feel soooo tired.
xoxo

suicidal thoughts

I am.

Am I?

Tired and sad, with a head full of mess , I am worried sick, what I worry about? Everything i.e

my hospitalised mother , who might die any time , as she is loosing ability to get the oxygen into her system

my work, delusions which persist highly in relation to coworkers

my GP, as this little shit woman doesn't do a thing for me  and treats me as her guinea pig - as she wants to try medications on me and see if they will work , but refuses to send me off for psychiatric assessment as she claims it is a waste of time ( her almost exact words were, instead of doing those long tests we will try medication upgrading the fluoxetine dosage and give additionally ...)?!? WTF!

I worry constantly and this prevents me from ability to function as normal. I feel like I am so slow as never before. I take so much time to do things and I hate it. I move slowly, I don't talk as usual, I hate when people talk I am just unable to even listen. I feel so tired and kind a detached. WTF is going on now?

Is it another depressive, low mood, resigning moment of my pathetic life? Am I so tired of this shit that I am even unable to talk and listen, I think a lot though, I think about everything especially my mother.

I know right , she hurt me a lot, and I hate her for that but at the end of the days she is my mother, right. I don't forgive her for hurting me before, but hell if she die, I will drop even lower, I don't think I will be able to function at all then.

Fuck sake, I am so pathetic, fat and useless piece of shit , who doesn't deserve to be in this world. Even fucking GP doesn't think like there is a serious problem with me, WTF she wants? Dos she wants me to slash my wrists and bleed out and then she might think , actually she really needed help. How long can I stand this? How long I will be able to keep going, how strong I am yet? Why my screaming isn’t heard, maybe it’s not loud enough.

I am afraid on the other side, afraid that I will lose it , I had thought of harming myself for the last couple of weeks, and I managed not to cut every day. Which is an achievement.

I am confused, paranoid and so anxious that it makes me sick.

xoxo

Trust

Truly I want to thank you all for reading this blog, as I am then aware that I am not alone and that people feel similar or even this same way as I do. For that and for the comments left big THANK YOU XXX.

Yesterday I have seen my therapist A. I told her everything about my worries and that I have more stress because of the illness of my parents and my brother's family - they constantly have chest infections and bronchitis, what is worse that most of the year 1.5 year old and 3 year old boy is ill. This makes me very upset as why a child has to go through so much. I told her about SHE - which you met in a previous post, and that I am so angry at my GP as she doesn't trust me. I have asked her to have psychiatric assessment , to find out what is really wrong with me. It is a year now from the time I had gone to the doctors in relation to anxiety and stress , and I had seen people regarding that. Although there is more to the stress, depression, anxiety, overeating, binging, dieting, self harming, anger, rage and abuse. I wasn't just ready to tell her about my pain, my fighting thoughts, my racing thoughts, that I had been addicted to sex especially with man who were older than me , way older. That I spend the money I haven't got, that I hurt people who are the closest to me . That I am this scared and sad little person in one moment, and in a matter of minutes I can become cheerful and very active .

I told her that I want the assessment by a psychiatrist, and she asked me why?

I said - My therapist told me that she thinks I am bipolar and that it is worth to check it, 

GP- can you give me her phone number so I can talk to her?

Me  - I haven't got on me but I will call the surgery and I will leave it for you.

Why did she question that, I wouldn't ask for something if I was convinced that she is able to help me. But now she questioned it, and how possibly I can trust her now? I will see her today and what should I do just make it plain and just give her everything what I have on my plate? 

On the other hand I don't trust her, how could I trust someone who doesn't trust me?

Another thing is that A. actually told me yesterday to tell her everything , but I know I somehow did tell her briefly about all the symptoms , but I think she didn't even consider to help.

Many people are aware that if you self harm they will stick on your label of attention seekers. And to surprise all I will agree here, I wasn't before. But today I thought to cut my veins open so I will be taken to the hospital , and then they might put me for the psychiatric assessment. But what will happen if it will be too late? I self harm and I don't agree that I am an attention seeker here, as I cut the places no one could see, I have bruises on my body but no one can see them either, I am abusing myself sexually and no one has even an idea what I can do to myself. But taking into consideration cutting my wrists and having to go to the hospital , yes, that is attention seeking as no one want's to really help. This is crying for help, bringing attention that I asked for help and nobody helped me. I know it sounds weird and confusing, even I feel confused now. But this is how I personally see it. The worst and scariest thing in all that is that I might die, and I don't want to die.

Well I am tired and frustrated, and the worse thing is that I had changed so many doctors during this year and I thought that she is the ONE for me. But is she now? I haven't got the power to look for another GP, it is a waste of time and effort.

XoXo

so you know I am broken

I am broken as you are aware, I am mad in my head and soul. I suffer and cause pain to myself and others, I'm not well under the stress. I wish I could be better, but everything is just not right. I am broken inside in million small pieces which is so hard to put together now. I am mad in my head , I have thoughts fights with myself. I am in a lot of pain , the pain is so overwhelming that the other me takes control over too fast. I fight the other me and I try to be reasonable and happy and reliable. But this bitch is just too strong at times, maybe not even strong but she want's her way, is persistent , makes me feel under pressure and then in a snap of fingers I am giving up. As I am writing it she is shouting , although I try not to pay attention to her as she had hurt me already today, now she is laughing. How strange I feel I am frightened. She makes it happen. 

 

If you only knew how sad, tired, wrecked emotionally I am now you wouldn't want to be me. And I would happily swap with someone to have a bit of sunshine in my head, as at the moment there is a tornado and dark heavy clouds. I am tired and angry, I was more angry before I was actually raging , this was directed towards myself. I think then the other me was more out than in . But as she has done so much harm she is somehow satisfied so she is a bit hidden now.

I want to cry and I am unable to, although if I am with people and I feel sad I will start crying or at least have watery eyes. My whole body aches, I move very slowly because I am exhausted, I want to fall asleep as I feel so tired but I can't as she doesn't let me sleep, she has so many ideas , or she just insists on harming myself. And I lay in bed and not moving , as I don't want to give her any satisfaction and then in a matter of seconds she is out and she is acting, doing what she can the best - RAGING. She is at times like this vicious dog which doesn't know if there is a danger , dog will attack just because of fear.  Is she then frightened, is that the reason the inner me is raging, fighting, is rude, sometimes even she is a he, god my head is messed up.

 

She was in charge for so long that I barely know me, I have different masks for different ocassion and honestly I don't even know if it's her or me. But hold on, me and her/him is still this same person. The difference between us is that I'm naive, she is most delusional, and he is rude.

He - is only when I sexually abuse myself , he - is the voice in my head who tell me how pathetic, fat and worthless whore I am , he tells me that I am made to suffer. He often is in my head when I have sex with another man , and he was there for most of my life, hidden in my head and coming out when there was a need. He wasn't vicious though like the inner me is.

She - Is raging me , angry , sad, vicious, hyper, quick thinker, acting fast, using common sense, she - is strong and confident as well as delusional , dark, broken, a fighter. She is with me constantly she takes over at times when I cannot cope, though she isn't there as much now when I need her. She is over for some periods of time in my life but then she hides and comes out from time to time , like now. When I reach the culmination point, and I cannot handle it as it is - she is there, she supports me and she is liked by others. She is cheerful , so I think most times she comes out when I am at work , but then I am there as well , it feels like we swap from time to time while at work. She is the one who say do not eat, who saying that I am a fat, disgusting human being, she makes me purge, she tries to control me. She is the one who thinks about diets, calories, self harm , she was the one to develop my cutting. But with the Self Harm we all 3 are in charge of it. She is stubborn and fair to people

Me - I am soft, considerate, loving, sad, scared, reliable, worried, blank, plain, tired, hurt, anxious, depressed. I am me now, and I feel sad and extremely tired, I want to sleep, hide in the mouse hole and sleep it through till the better days will come over. I am peaceful, and happy, I love animals, I pity myself . I would binge eat, I would self harm, I would cry, and I will feel this lump in my chest which makes me anxious. I am the reason of having those panicky things, as I don't have confirmation that those are panic attacks, so I call them things. I feel like my head is massive right now, and as usual I feel sad and tired. 

So , You know I am broken, and this is the inside story of me. Is this all , no, there is more, but that will come out within the time . Those 3 me, are the strongest and they are often here. I am at the stage when I hate the way I am treated by my GP, and honestly NHS don't really care. If they would, my GP wouldn't question me when I had asked for psychiatric assessment, she should do it anyway, before putting me on any medication. This makes me so angry , just because I finally asked for help, but it seems like I would be better off without it. 

That is why I am who I am, and as I am .

XOXO

mother

So I feel like the christmas at home was a good by to my mother, she kneed by my bed at some point the night we came over. She was suffering , she was unwell, she just came over kneed by my bed and said something to me , I don't recall what though. I just remember thinking " I forgive you , you are dying". Strange thought and weird , the next day I was wondering why I thought this way. I didn't know. Last friday we called a doctor to check her as she was poorly for the whole two weeks I had been at home. The diagnosis was pneumonia, with high possibility of astma or other kind of chest illnes. WELL my brother texted me today, call me quickly, I got very anxious I thought he will say that she died. She hasn't , but doctor come over today and told her she needs to go to hospital , she refused and dismissed a doctoctor- doc hasn't prescribed her any antibiotics, as she said they won't make her feel better. Well that is her chois, as usual sefish and hipocritic, doesn't take into consideration other people around her. She told my father that she knows that he wants to rid of her?! WTF?! She is so delusional , it is unbelievable, she told the same thing to my brother, so nothing is going through to her head. This is compleately out of order. So I know for sure that the mental health is in a way afected through generations, as my nana was very simular, suspicious and so concious of people, she didn't trust no one, she made people think that she is such a lovely person - but was she really? So if my mother won't go to the hospital any time soon it might be shortly to l;ate for her, and she will die.


What will hapened? Will she go to the hospital or she won't?

xoxo

again ...

So.... It's me again I want to write, I always do feel like it but not always feel like posing .
I am here in the kitchen with two screaming parrots, cigarette in my hand and feeling cold. I just half an hour ago was going to the toilet, returning to bed and had been short of breth, had tangling feeling in my hands, my head was like it will expload in matter of seckonds. I took some ventolin to ease the brething problems and go down to sit in the kitchen.

I wonder what could actually be wrong with me, I am still anxious about not knowing, why certian things are happening, whyI feel that way, why do I every day have those feelings of extreem weirdness? Those things are driving me crazy, as I don't know what is wrong and what is the reason for it, and this makes me anxious. So after return to home, I will book an appointment with GP , and see what she will say, if anything.
Till then I have to survive, and I realised now my heart hurts. Why I don't know , but it's a weird feeling. I have many weird feelings but those are on regular basis. Well I am tired and maybe I could use some sleep again.

xoxo

Change

I realised how much I am changing, I am not this same person as I was years back . Now I even percept that I am more of a schizotypal personality. I am kind of a person who is not engaged socially as I feel uncomfortable, another thing is that I don't like to interact with the men who are close to me as I feel like every male is the sexual object for me. What that means, and I know it would sound strange , that even cutting hair for my dad was making me wonder that he is a sexy man. I am escaping my father in law as I see a sexual context in his gestures and his talk. I am looking at my husband brothers and I think They both have an affair with this same woman, one of them is in a relationship with this girl and they just had a baby, but the other brother is quiet close with her. I am perceiving it like they are sexually engaged, as for me it looks like that. Or maybe because of my own past experiences I think that they can not be as close without being sexual. Though I don't feel like it about younger man than me but all other older, mature man, make me anxious. Even at work I feel like they are a sexual object, my store manager is 46 or so , and I really fancy him, on the other hand I feel like he can sense me . What it means he avoids getting close to me , he doesn't act with me like with other female employees, although I am sure that he likes me and that he respect me as an effective employee.

I am the type who is not interested in a sexual relationship with my husband, for me sex isn't tabu but I am not the one who will make a first step. Where years back I was the one who wasn't satisfied, and constantly wanted the intimacy. Now I am having an intercourse , and I enjoy it , but not as much as before. I think before the sexuality was a thought for loving me , and I desperately wanted to be loved. I could have sex with anyone who showed me a bit of attention, and do almost any kind of kinky stuff with person who told me they have feelings for me. I know that now I have the type of love which is unconditional and forever and this is the love of my son, nothing and no one could change it. I love him the most and I couldn't love anyone more or even this same as him. I am gaining weight since I come to my parents , but we are going back home on Saturday and I can control myself there again. I hope. I have to be in control, as there is nothing more annoying than being unable to control your actions, this makes me feel very weak, useless and worthless, which isn't good. That is why I purge, as I can not control my binge eating, this makes me feel worthless and like I am stupid, this just makes me angry. Then I have to regain the control somehow and that is the reason I am rid of the food from my stomach. I think at times I am really a control freak , I want everything to be done immediately, I would rather not to explain things for others, I like when people are putting their own initiative into making things work. I like people who are clever and reliable, helpful and willing , and for whom there are no issues to take up the challenge.

I was a person who constantly was in need of a contact with someone, but when I was like 14- 15 I had lonely walks with my dogs in the nearby forest, and I loved it. Then when I was older I needed a human contact, so I was very sociable, although I had never been a person where people call just to talk, as I hate phone calls - still now. I do enjoy moments where I can control everything and when I am in charge of social relationship - which here I call someone to see them at a certain time. I hate to be late , usual I am earlier at least those 5min, and I dislike and get disappointed by people who are late. I hate committing to something, as I am afraid that I will fail. I can not stand a fail, this is like a personal suicide. I can not fail, if I am committed to something I have to do it and I will use all my strength to do it. Well that is why as well I do a part time work , as I am not mentally ready to work 5 days a week, as I know I may feel very low.

I think I am strong, but on the other side so weak and vulnerable. I am afraid and so disappointed by people that this is why I cannot trust but on the other hand I am so open like people perceive that as a Trust , but is it really? That's taught subject I am confused somehow with all that. I don't understand . I feel lost at times , and the worst thing is that no one wants to tell me what is wrong with me and why those things happened , I even think that my doc doesn't really bother as if she would she will direct me or at least offer a psychiatric assessment to help me understand.

Well that's life.

xoxo