tired

     I wish I would want as much as I don't want. Haven't been able to write anything recently , my mind isn't transferring my thoughts. I feel physically exhausted and mentally drained. I sleep 5 - 6 hours and that is not enough. I don't sleep well anyway, I have some bloody nightmares, dreams which make me more anxious and demotivated. I'm going to work today, and I so don't want to go, I feel so tired and kind a numb. I wish I could take a pill for all that to go away. But there is no magical cure.I don't sleep well recently, it is getting even worse now. I wish I could take some time off but now it is a case of disciplinary for me, due to absenteeism, so I don't want my papers to be marked with that and so I have to go to work. On the other hand I don't really care, but what keeps me at my job at the moment is that I have a family and we need to pay bills and I can't afford to not work for any period of time. It is sad really, because I loved my job at the beginning and the people I work with. But now it is just unbelievably hard to go there and do my job. I struggle big time, I really need another job. I realised that even if I will change the store it won't change much as my organisation values are this same everywhere. It is a big company and management is progressing through the career ladder where people become store managers at the end, because they were so submissive to other management that now they deserve a career. So unfair but what can you do. I had applied for few jobs again and didn't hear back from most of the companies. I just wish I would get a new job soon as I struggle so much and I just hope I will hold on through that tough time.

xoxo

lately

I had finished my assessment of employment law for this term  ,then in 2 weeks time I will write the last part and then 2 months without college. Yey! I have a new hobby , I just like to do acrylic nails, I'm concentrating on beauty regime :) I always was crazy about makeup and stuff, but for some time now I was unable to do anything, I was too bored and fed up with everything. I still am , but it gets me away from my scary side, as I concentrate on other stuff and try really hard not to think about the anxiety and the sick feeling in my stomach.
I had very constructive day today I wrote everything I needed for the first part of my assessment, made a chocolate cake with LO, cleaned up, hovered, so it is all good , then at 10.30pm I went to bed and woke up at 1am and I'm still awake. I don't know if anyone reads my blog but if you do you know I wasn't posting lately. It's because I don't know what to write about. I read other blogs, but I just feel very anxious and nervous and so low in mood, that I feel like the whole last month was so miserable for me and to write all the time about the bad experience isn't a solution. I can not change it, last 4 days I had spent at home , didn't go out at all, don't feel like it and don't have a penny to spend, crap. I would use some shopping therapy, but taking into consideration the debt we have, it would be good to pay it back somehow. O and I ordered a new cooker which would be delivered on Thursday, yey new cooker :) How weird is that, I haven't been regularly cooking for past 6 years and now, since beginning of June I cook almost every day, how amazing is that, oh and make a packed lunch for hubby to take to work.
I try to eat less but scale doesn't move it looks like I'm bloody gaining weight, hmm not good. I still binge eat but what is worse is that I will purge after I eat anything, which isn't good, nor convenience. I just hate it, I have stomach cramps, nausea, my breathing tube is hurting, my chest, throat and I have a severe heartburn
:( Oh well, that's life, I was so fed up recently.
My dreams are haunting me , I love to sleep but for the last few nights my dreams weren't good. I don't remember what they were about , but they are making me feel very unsettled. It doesn't help with me trying to live a life, I still feel like I only exist , I'm tired constantly.
xoxo

I'm sorry there is always something bad to write about, those who read my bits, know . I'm annoyed now, my hubby is talking with my mother on skype and she is so fucking annoying, she must be right always. She laughs in your face , ignorant and abusive in her words. She makes me so upset, as I can not say anything, I want but I can't I'm just unable to. It makes me so upset, arrrr, I want to shout and scream , from the anger. She is so annoying!!!!! Fuck, fuck, fuck, arrrr!!!!

hate love

Dear blog diary, hate and love, black and white, pron and cons.

I hate ignorance , when people judge others by any reason , when they bully and harass others, I hate my coworker - Denize. I hate human traffic on the streets, shopping sales, and my fat ass, people pushing around, judgmental looks and rude bus drivers. I hate hypocrites and arrogant people, my nails as they are so week, the constant need of cleaning, misunderstanding, child abuse, ads on tv about 3rd world poverty, my bad dreams, heartburn, my headaches, my mother, animal abuse, killing animals for fur and bones and other trophies. I hate my skin and the sun just because I'm allergic to it, anxiety, sadness, thoughts, anger, pain, my company. I hate moaners and liars, getting drunk, any types of drugs, tiredness, my work, management at my workplace, government, my husband when he is anxious or angry because of some silly reason. I hate when my husband is arguing or shouting at our LO , mess at home, laziness.

I love my son, husband, chocolate, ice cream,  body butter, cheesecake, Chinese and Thai food, Jerry Springer show, Comedies and horrors. I love sex and sleep, make up, learning, developing. I love smart and kind people, motivation, wolf, sky, sun, water, food, my pet ferret, my dad and brother. I love to spend money on different not useful things,  I love to be busy, I love to be loved. Many things I love but I think there is more that I hate.

xoxo

end of the world dream

     I had very disturbing dream today, about the end of the world. It made me feel weird and think about that dream so much, and makes me feel upset and think why I have those kind of a dream sometimes. In this dream I was with my husband and son and we had oversized Doberman - he was a massive dog. I cannot exactly recall the whole dream but I remember us being in the weird car, and I was driving- I don't have a driving license, and there was someone with us I think she is my best friend but she was a he and didn't look like her,I just have a feeling that was her there with us. Then we were at home. Actually I and her without my boys and without the dog and our house could move . I remember that at some point I sow my great aunt and I asked her if this is the end of the world and she said yes. Everything looked so dark and cold , but it wasn't cold. I saw the horisont and things moving there and then make a decision to move - like driving the whole house, so we were in the house which actually moved like a car.
     This is strange as I had very similar dreams with her before, I remember another dream I had where we were in the house which swim on the water, moving around, we were going somewhere .I had the feeling  like the world was ending as well.
    Very strange and makes me feel unsettled, and anxious, and I don't understand it, I wish I could understand but I just cannot put this dream together.
    I remember being scared, and thinking why this is happening. I'm wondering why those dreams have my friend there. It is always with her. Even though she doesn't look like her I know it's her.
Then I think about this dream forever, and I can't figure why I had that dream.
   I remember going down the road and didn't know where the brakes were, and we were going quite fast and I managed to drive the house well by moving my body on the sides. The way you do when taking turns on a motorcycle or a bike or a scooter. We didn't crash and we were going pretty fast and I remember being nervous and frightened. Everything looked dark and sad, with loads of dark clouds and a heavy sky. I don't remember how it ended because for some reason I had opened my eyes and I don't remember why. There must have been something scary as I woke up then.

Does everyone have those dreams? Do you dream about the End of the World? I feel unsettled and I have a chest pain, feeling very anxious. The worst thing is that you don't remember exactly your dream which make it hard , as you want to remember everything and you simply don't.

dear diary

  Dear diary blog, my day today is not what I was expecting.
I'm fuming inside, angry and so annoyed . From morning until now anger just getting bigger with every hour. At work I felt like useless bitch, stupid whore who doesn't deserve to be happy. I was sad and so tired that I couldn't believe that this is happening, as I woke up in the morning so fresh and so rested, within 3 hours I become so tired and upset and unhappy and fed up. I prayed to go home , if only the nursery would call that LO has a fever so I could go home - my LO didn't have a fever so they haven't called. I know I sound like a bad mother , but he was feverish for the last 2 days and I didn't want to stay at home with him today, so I checked his temperature and he was fine . Then I badly wanted to go home and I haven't.

Sad, nothing really is worth doing now. I feel so empty, so much in pain, so confused and SO tired. I'm unable to recall my past at times, it looks like I had a perfect happy life, as I don't remember it. On the other hand I remember my father drinking, mother arguing with him, then use of a wire to beat me up and the shame at school, excuses not to have PSHE classes as my legs were all bruised. I remember my mother shaming me , I cannot recall my age at that time. I remember shouting and screams, I was scared at times so much. I was told that I hit my head of the floor when I wasn't given what I wanted, I screamed and cried. Now strangely my mother denied all that, now she is saying that I was a perfect child. What the fuck!?

Sorry, some of my thoughts don't make any sense but that's alright that's how I think I jump from one thought to another so fast that often I forget what I was thinking about a second ago. Blur.

Truly upsetting, recalling my past, there was this man.....
He spoke only English, he was old and he smelled badly, I was 18 or 19 at that time. When I was going home from my boyfriend's house I meet him a couple of times we talked while I was waiting for a bus. He lived in US for some years and his head was messed up. One day he offered me sex for money, I did accept this offer,  we went to his home,  I had sex with him and get paid for it. I thought that this was first and last time for me and him, I was mistaken. Then he started to stalk me , one day when I was going home he got into the bus I was taking, telling me he loves me, he wants to marry me, he will give me a good future and so on, he made me very upset and stressed me out. I was running through the bus, from him , he didn't. I was with my best friend and she as well was stressed. Someone stepped up and when the bus stopped and pushed him out of the bus. I was so bloody scared at that time. I wanted to forget all about that, but the karma makes me to see him every night, I felt him around wherever I was at my boyfriend's house. This lasted about a week and then my BF and his mother convinced me to call the police and make a statement of harassment. So I did, he has gone to the mental institution for stalking me. I had never seen him since then.

But thinking about it now makes me feel bad, or maybe not, It's such a strange confused emotion. I can't figure it out but I'm sure I don't feel sorry for that I felt sorry before but not now.

Oh well it's time to get some rest I feel calm and peaceful, I actually wanted to say that I'm just bloody annoying. I hit my hubby today as the anger was in my veins making me feel restless, shout and be offensive to him and my baby , and I feel really bad about it. Like I would love to apologise. I have that in my head, sincere apology, but this just can't go through my throat I'm unable to say it.
I even am unable to write it down here, I just can't.

Till tomorrow, for a new entry, have a great night.
xoxo

today

I felt well today, no rushing thoughts and I actually can cope with my anger more. I manage to keep up my mood and stay motivated. Yesterday at work I was all bubbly, like before I had my breakdown. It felt nice, it felt like I'm coming back from deep, down, dark place into nice, warm, sunny place. It is nice to feel better, I can't say that I'm happy but I feel way better.
 It is going well then, the perspective of moving to the other store makes me feel like I don't care I do at work whatever they want me to do. I think It takes so much of my power and abilities to do that, as sometimes I feel so hurt , but I would shut my mouth and do whatever needs to be done. I feel so brave. I'm trying to lose some weight, nothing is going down at the moment, but lets see with the time if the scale will go down. I hope it will.
 So it is all alright at the moment, to work tomorrow, maybe as my baby had a fever today so he might not be well tomorrow so I'm planning to take him to the doctor. Let see.
xoxo

life, borderline, depression, pain, anxiety and other disorders

IT MIGHT BE HIGHLY TRIGGERING FOR SOME PEOPLE,
if anyone is actually reading it .


 I went to the GP yesterday and mentioned again that I would be interested of having the whole assessment done by psychiatrist to find out if there is more to my depression and anxiety. What he said stunned me, well he said that if I'm thinking of bipolar or personality disorder I haven't got any of those. WOW! I thought, he continued, if you would have this kind a condition you will have more severe symptoms. WOW again, and I just couldn't say anything. I was shut. I thought how the hell I should talk to all those fucking doctors. I feel helpless and it is so upsetting. I feel like I'm loosing a battle, recently thinking a lot about the suicide, as the pain is the hell unbearable at times. So, what are the more severe symptoms then?!? Does anyone have the answer to that? I will very welcome any ideas and examples.

My life again, examples:
 I can not cry it all out because of fluoxetine , and I think I need to cry at times to free some of the soul pain stuck in my chest, to be able to breath, be able to concentrate on the other stuff, but I can't cry. I feel like tearing my chest with my hands to stop the pain , I hold my head in my hands coz I feel like it will blow, because of so many racing thoughts, and nothing makes any sense, nothing I will remember later. This is very like an anxiety right.
 There is another thing , I hate people and love them at this same time, this is particularly weird as I like to be around people but as well to be in control of everything what is happening. I'm trying to make people like me, on the other hand I think I don't care but then again I want them to like me , and then again to hate. It's so freaking weird. I just can't make up my mind, I keep people in the distance, as that's how I feel should be. I'm weird and tired of all that crap. BPD - ABANDONMENT? HISTRONIC PERSONALITY DISORDER?
Maybe it's nothing really to think about, it might be that I'm exaggerating and there is nothing wrong with me.
I'm just making myself suffer, and mothers do hurt their children as mine did, everyone feels abandoned at some point so maybe it is just my mind playing tricks on me?
I just have another argument with the other me, one is complaining and writing the other one is saying to shut up she can not handle it any more, In my mind she holds her head in her hands with closed eyes and face full of pain. The other me is me with stoned face looking in the screen of the laptop, doesn't show any mimics or emotions.BPD - LOW SELF IMAGE?
 There why I have those voices in my head who swear at me, makes me resentful, humiliate me, give me orders to obey them. Somehow, I have the control over those voices, I can make them stop or stop hurting myself when my mind will get to the point  - what the fuck are you doing- then I will think and stop. But on the other hand I will continue for as long as those voices want me to. I will binge eat and purge, I will try to starve, steal things.BPD - IMPULSIVITY?

Now I would love to cut my hands, my wrists want to feel the razor but I know if I will do that there will be more questions which I wouldn't be able to answer. Now my son sometimes sees me with my scars and wounds on my legs and ask me what had happened. I will lie and say that I scratched myself, coz I definitely won't tell him that I do it on purpose. I think when he will be older and when he will be able to understand more then I will tell him , what was going on in my life. As I would love him to be fully aware of the feelings and that there are some things which are more complicated than we think.BPD - SUICIAIDAL BEHAVIOUR
I have to feel the pain, the physical pain for my soul to get some rest. Before I had a good way of doing that by hurting my nipples, breast, vagina. Now I cut (scratch) my legs and did a few times with my arms as well. Not happy about that, whenever I'm at work I think if everyone thinks what think that I cut myself.BPD - SELF INJURY
 Then I have that feeling like people are observing me , they want the worse for me, they don't wan't my happiness, they want to use me and make me suffer.PARANOID PERSONALITY DISORDER?

 I stole money from my parents and grandparents before, now I do it rarely but sometimes I have the urgency to take something, and not paying for it. I wouldn't even look around I will take it and put in the basket and from the basket to my pocket. Just like that.BPD - IMPULSIVITY?
  I always thought that pets are better than people, I had always been surrounded by pets and wild animals, like birds or hedgehogs. I loved walks to the forest with my dogs when I was younger, on the way we had a neighbour dog joining us, that was fun. I had cats, rats, mice, hamsters, parrots, rabbit, wild birds, hedgehogs, degu, dogs, fishes. I still think that human is so cruel we kill for fun and make animals kill for our entertainment, this makes me so angry.

 I will bit my self up, I have this need to hit my face and swear , tell myself how pathetic and fucking sad I am. How this whole shitty life kicked me in my bum. How I expect so much and I'm so fucking lazy and so bloody crazy that I don't achieve my own targets. I want to change the job but do nothing to find another one. Pathetic and so irritating , there is no fucking good people on this world, if they were I will most probably meet at least one person. O, hold on, maybe not, as I will avoid the chance to know the person , so maybe, I know them, but I had never bond with them - so I don't know that they are good.
 So am I having a personality disorder issues, or it's just a depression and high anxiety.

I would love to have money to pay for a psychiatric evaluation to know if I'm just freaking out or I have a real problem. I am feeling so low lately, just feeling of hopelessness is very disturbing making me tired and sick entire of living this kind of life. Blah
Then there is an issue with my fucking weight, and the bloody 2am feast of binge eating, chocolate craving and all that crap I consume, and then purging. Another issue is sex, I am really not in to sex but if I am OMG  I'm like a bitch in heat I would give my self to anyone to fuck - madness. I'm bloody freaking out today. Just so fucking fed up!!!! I want to shout, and scream, and tear things out, and kick, and punch.

What is strange I am calm outside, I am at home with my son, and my insights are boiling from frustration, anger and pain. But I learned a long time ago, how to wear my mask, although with the anger outbursts it is impossible. Whenever you want to explain your action after your rage, this big invisible hand is squeezing your throat and makes you unable to breath and not to mention of talking or explaining your actions.
Never mind maybe I will win the lottery or find myself a sponsor .to pay for the fucking Shrink.
Why I haven't study when I was young, I wanted to do so many careers in my life ie.sales person, vet, horse care person, policewomen, army, office admin, artist- drawing etc.now I am studying HR let see how this will go.

13/06

GP visit done for this month, so now meds are supplied, feeling ok today.
A bit sad , taken my meds, my tummy is rumbling loudly, but I'm not hungry.
Listening to Emily Autumn - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_nAFbKX3MS0&feature=related
huh , feeling tired .
I like this old creepy music :) remind me of my childhood, don't know why.
Love this song

BPD person can't work?!

I just had a thought about work.

I had read somewhere before when someone wrote, I don't recall if it was someone's blog or random feedback about our great NHS service. Anyway, the person wrote that she said to her doctor that she might be BPD and he almost laughed in her face, saying that she wouldn't be able to hold a full time job if she would have Borderline Personality Disorder.

 Thinking of that I got really angry, truth is I have never been diagnosed with BPD, but there are those things which help to diagnose the condition they are as follows:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment - I don't have close relationships with people as I feel that they will leave me and that it will hurt me, I keep everyone in the distance. I left my boyfriends before they were able to do that, I will frighten my husband that I will divorce him.

2. Pattern of unstable and intense relationships, alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation - so here I am, loving my senior manager thinking how great he is and smart and all that , and the next day I hate him , he is the most annoying worthless person I know. He is in my eyes arrogant, hypocrite, useless as a manager, lack of people skills, not to mention that he is so selfish. The other day I said that he is brilliant, and so on. So alternating.

3. Identity disturbance markedly and persistently unstable self image or sense of self - now this is difficult, I don't really know my identity, my self esteem depends on the situation I'm in. I will act, for the whole my life I was different in school, different with friends, different with family. Now it is this same whatever my surroundings I will match myself with the situation or people I am with, like a Kameleon changing color.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas which are self damaging- let say spending money which I don't have, binge eating, purging, stealing (yes, I have the urge to take things from shops, those are small items doesn't cost much but I would rather take them than pay for them, although I have the money to pay for it), tattoos, piercings.

5. Reoccurring suicidal behavior, gestures , threats of self injuring behaviors - scratching, object insertion, hitting myself, pulling hair, beating myself with objects.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood - my day as an example: woke up happy @ 6am, 8am felt anxious and couldn't stop the feeling of fear. 9.30am got upset for no reason, fell very low and harm myself, 10.30am started to tidy up, need to keep busy so I won't self harm. 13pm sit down to write on the blog feeling peaceful and calm. Still calm and very clear in my mind and its13:58.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness - numb, worthless, don't care, no plans for future, hollow inside .

8. Transient , stress related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms - yes, wanted to leave my job millions of times because of people, I felt like everyone is watching me, talking about me, don't like me. 

9. Inappropriate anger or difficulty to control anger - Huge difficult to control anger, I just sometimes cannot cope , then I scream and shout and throw things, I will hit, slap, smack, scratch and do all the things that make my muscle relax. When I'm angry I grind my teeth and my muscle are very tense, and I feel like I will blow out in a second. This makes me angry as well and it is like a hell circle, my anger makes me more angry and when I'm angry I feel like dying, I feel completely empty, lonely and so bloody sad and tense and cannot control that. But at work, when I got angry I argue because I know if I will hit someone this would be  extreme, never got to this point.

So you can work and have those all symptoms showing that you are actually borderline, I work 32 hours a week. I feel good with that as I am more in control when I work , although I hate my job. So I don't understand how doctors or any other mental health professionals can say you can't work. I am living example of a person who finds work helpful. Even when I'm highly depressed and I don't feel like even getting out of bed I will make myself get out, get dressed , put my make up on, and be at work on time. I think it just depends on your abilities, there are definitely some people who can't work as its impossible for them but there are some like me who need work to keep going. Besides when I don't work I don't put my make up , I stay in bed longer, I don't bother to dress as wearing anything at home is good. So working makes me more able to live, not only exist.

full happiness ?

I am weird, thinking of how tired and fed up I am with all that crap around me . How I pretend, or maybe not, that I'm happy and everything is as normal as can be. I know I want to be happy, but I don't know if I'm ready for that. Truly I can say that although I'm so sad, hurt, in so much mental pain, I think I love it. Just because that's what I know and I haven't experienced how does it feel to be fully happy. There was always a pain in my life. I think I cannot be happy, or maybe I don't want to be. I'm so freaking confused.

I'm happy at work, smiling to everyone , doing what everyone else wanted me to do. That is why I hate my job, it's like imprisonment and maybe even worse than that. I feel like a slave at times, which means, I'm really bad when people want me to do whatever they want me to do. I'm clever, I think on my feet, use common sense and don't like to be bitched around by narrow minded people who actually think that they are smart, ha they wish.
I hate when people are lying to me :(

My weight is big 115kg :( I have to loose some weight as I just feel so bad with what I weigh. This is all that bloody binge eating lack of self esteem and all that work crap. Then I can add my pregnancy from 5 years ago. Where I gained massive 50 kg somehow. Never mind I was always able to manage my weight when I was a teenager and in my 20 , so I have to do it now . I don't fancy exercise I don't like to sweat but I will have to. So now I will be working towards the weight of 60kg, so 55kg to shift down. Let see if I'm strong enough.

what's wrong with me

    So today was a kind a nice day, I visited a few blogs and chose to follow some of them. I had taken a long bubble bath just to relax myself a little, my LO went to bed pretty quickly today and hubby decided to connect his xbox to our tv in the front room , so I thought let it be. I had enjoyed my bath , straighten my hair and put a face mask on. Get my laptop and off to bed.

And I started to wonder how bad or good I am.

 Hmm, taking into consideration my outbursts of uncontrolable rage, following by violence towards closest people to me, I am kind and funny person, who most people like (I think). I'm easy to know, as I'm honest, reliable, approachable, crazy- the good way, helpful and very considerate. I'm an altruist at most times, but I can be very aggressive, stubborn, intimidating, rude, impatient, miserable, moaning, hurtful, annoying, and destructive in my actions towards people. If I trust you, make sure you won't disappoint me, follow the regular rule of honesty and it will be fine, I don't mind a constructive feedback, which some people find harsh. But if at any point I will stop talking to you, you make me cry or I will harm myself because I feel so belittled by you - run. Even after some time I will remember and when people are less expecting, then I act, I will try to destroy them or something what is important to them. I don't want to frighten anyone it is just the way I am.

I like to fight, to have a challenge it keeps me going.. I love to learn, that's why I'm 31and in college. I have bad memory I just don't remember things, but on the other hand someone told me that I should work for MI5, as I will make a good spy because of the things I can remember. That's kind a particular isn't it? I'm such a contradiction of things and behaviors, which I try to learn and find a way to deal with. But it is hard, it is worse than before, it's so painful. I had never cut myself the way I'm doing it now, I always fought the opposition. And Anxiety is unbearable at times , making me feel hopeless.

Now I binge eat, purge, self harm, avoid contact with people more than before, I lie again- but I have the best interest of those who I lie to at heart. I feel empty and lonely, I want to cry but I can't, I want to scream and I'm afraid to. I can't speak about it, as I don't trust people enough- I started to talk about it to a couple of people I know and liked, but they had disappointed me badly, so there is no one there. The other thing is that I know people these days have their own problems and I don't want to trouble them with my issues, besides they think I'm very strong personality, and a lot of times they come to me for help. So knowing their problems I'm just unable to share mine.

I'm sad most of the time but the amazing thing is when I go to work I'm completely different, I will hurt inside but I will still smile in most cased. People ask me how I am and I say I'm fine, but I scream inside. Customers are treated differently as well, I most of the time treat them the same way I want to be treated. I would sometimes escape, at work, just walk around the store avoiding work and people. I hate super confident colleagues and managers, I think arrogance doesn't suit people. But on the other hand I would love someone to teach me how to be  an arrogant, life looks easier that way.


You see,  in my behavior there are a lot signs of Borderline Personality, I like to call this Emotionally Unstable Personality.
My moods may be triggered by ordinary things like scent , pictures or a dream.
I'm strong on the other hand as I had survived so much.


So it looks like there is BPD (borderline personality disorder), Depression, Anxiety, 
ED (eating disorder).


Now I need to find more strength to fight that, and to be honest I feel exhausted.

hmmm...

My thing is, that I don't know where to start. I'm lonely and disappointed , my fluoxetine doesn't help me.

 I binge eat, purge, I have extreme mood swings, self harm, I feel very anxious at times, hate and love, abuse and hurt others, don't care and care too much, I'm sad and extremely happy, I feel the pain so real, I'm angry, and confused. I have suicidal thoughts, and why the hell it is like that. I just want my thoughts to stop thundering in my head. I feel so hopeless, I feel like I need a break.
I'm just tired.

UK

  I came to the UK and I started to live with a man, let's call him J. So I meet him when I was 25 he was 33 at that time, I start to live with him and had a distant relationship with my now husband. He knew from beginning that I will bring my boyfriend over so he was ok, but he wanted me to be faithful to him - no sex relationships with anyone. Ok, so we have been sleeping together, from the first day we had sex was rough he was really harsh and confident what he was doing. He would squeeze my breast so hard that I would have tears in my eyes from the pain, he would come home from work and no matter if I was doing something he would pull his pants down and stick his dick in my mouth, if I refused he squeezed my jaw catch my hair and put it in anyway. He would come onto my face or  into my mouth and prize me that I'm such a good bitch. Yes, this relationship was different. Then one day we decided that we will call massage places and get me to work there. So we did, I worked in one place, he didn't like it , so he took me there one day and told me by the door to bring my clothes back and we are going home. Wow, the women who was running it tried to convince him, as had already a few clients booked, but he said no. Then I found a new place with Julie running it, it was brilliant we had nice customers, some regular once, everything was going well, J was coming over at evenings when I was staying in the flat by myself or with another girl just to keep us company. Never mind that, I had sex with people through the day and he still insisted to have a shag with him sometimes more than twice. I was kind a exhausted, but I enjoyed it, after a couple of months he decided that I haven't got enough time for him, and said that I should quit. I went for easter back home, and come back and never gone to work there again, then there was his friend coming over to visit from Italy, and he took me, him and another couple of friends out to the night club. In the middle of the night he told me to take his friend outside because he wants to shagg me . O well I thought why not. But there were people everywhere, so will called J and called the night. I told him I was taking his friend home, so we had sex, and when he came back we had a threesome. And I cannot say I didn't enjoy it, it was nice. So J was a huge part of my life, we had ups and downs with our freaky relationship, but it was alright, still sometimes I will see him, and yes during the last 5 years we had sex 3 times I think. I don't know why I won't just cut him off completely, maybe he has something I desire.

So I liked to be with him, no issues whatsoever if he was in threesome or when I was getting paid for sex with others. But he could be a pain, accusing me of cheating and making me feel small at times.

Sex

Beware the post contain very strong language and might be very triggering.


I feel like letting it all out, so please don't read if it might trigger you.


I'm just one sad person today.

     I just realised today how pathetic I am.
 Just now I was doing all the fucking bad things, I beat myself - all over the head and face, again, and sexually abused myself - if I can call this that way- put metal clips on my nipples insert apple in my vagina, lay on the floor on my my breast to hurt more. With that voice in my head saying that I am a fucking whore, that I'm only good for fucking. I don't know why but I had stopped in one second and thought that for my whole life I was really a fuck object. I was finding a random man to have sex with, I was having so called boyfriends where sex was the main and most important thing, I got paid for sex, I lied, cheated, masturbate to feel the pain. I was doing all that to be loved. Yes , to be loved. But how the hell I could be loved doing that?! I just remember that when I was 13 or something I didn't know really what the sex is, but I remember going to the attic and abuse myself - I have all forgot about it. When I was younger I was going to the church with my brother- he is 4 years younger. There was a small forest by the church and we have gone there, it was winter a lot of snow and cold. I don't know how and why but I remember that I stripped myself and wanted him to do this same, but he didn't. We had never talked about it and it was that one time only. I feel so anxious now, that it's hard to breath.

There always was something in me that attract man although I wasn't slim or even the right weight, I was always overweight , could even say obese. There was this couple of guys who I meet when I was 16, they were over 25 and they were working as a truck drivers transporting wood from the forests to the Woodyard. They always called me when they were around my town so I will meet with them had a chat and drink and then have sex, I would do the blowjob to one of them and the other one was fucking me. Or in most cased they would take turns to put a dick in me.

 I always had a way to find people to have sex with, I very rarely felt sorry, I didn't care that I had a boyfriend and I was so in love with him. I didn't care if they were married or had children, I didn't want a relationship. I'm not into sex as much as before. Now I will more hurt myself than masturbate for a pleasure of sexual fulfillment. I  neglect my sexual relationship with my husband , who is brilliant in all of those things, honestly. I feel like I was a sex toy and I never have been sexually abused as a child, or if I was I don't remember that.

  I don't think I am a sadomasochist -( Psychology- the combination of sadistic and masochistic elements in one person, characterized by both aggressive and submissive periods in relationships with others).Or maybe I am, I would rather tight my breast, insert strange things into my vagina, beat myself up, hurt my nipples, abuse myself verbally and not have an orgasm. But having sex with my hubby will include a rough sex, he never abuses me verbally though, he just isn't able to hurt me really, so our relationship isn't sadistic or masochistic. 

So yes, I am the fuck I don't know what, I have no bloody idea why I am doing it, it's like in my head it makes me angry. I just feel that I was born to suffer, and I hate to suffer and I make myself suffer, why the fuck me?!

I hate when they use me at work , giving shitty jobs to do. I'm a bloody supervisor and they use me to do crap things. I feel humiliated and angry and frustrated and then I cut myself, as I feel hurt and worthless, why then when I' m hurting myself sexually is different ? Why do I let man have what they want? Why work is so stressful for me , I feel used, worthless, humiliated, taken advantage of, stupid, not in control, exhausted, frustrated, hurt.

Why do I beat myself , why do I insert things in me, why do I cut myself, why my head hurts that much, why I want to cry and I'm unable to, why do I want to scream, why if I would have some stranger to fuck me I would go for it, why do I hurt my breast so much , why I pull my hair,why do I want to feel the bloody pain???? Why the hell I haven't got anyone to talk to?!?! O and now I cry

It's so bloody hard, I cannot cope. I need to stay strong, but I feel so bad, I just still have hope.

Believe

Believe - to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so.


Do you believe? I do, I do believe in things and that there is something looking over me. I do know that I have my guardian angel - let's say, and that he is watching over me. I know that there is karma - doing good will return you good , doing bad will return you bad. I do believe in God , I'm a Christian and maybe that's why I have faith that there is something which we call god and I pray at times, usually when I want something or when I'm frightened. How bad of me, isn't it? I pray when I need something, but there are some moments that I pray coz I remembered to,or I want to thank for something what had happened, so it's not that bad then. I believe in magic that there is a way of making things happen, like making someone love you - I actually did it. When I was with my, then, boyfriend I read a lot of books about black and white magic, he was really upsetting me with his behavior and I was so in love with him. He would choose his mates over me, go and meet with them but don't come to my place and even didn't bother to call. So I thought I will try to make a spell from the book, and I did, and now he is my husband BUT I didn't think about consequences and I haven't thought through what could happen. He is this same lazy person as he was before, it takes him forever to tidy up and he is the main mess maker together with our boy. I'm the one who does everything- and that's when I get upset. Everyone is saying that I know everything and I'm so clever, but I want a break sometimes I want someone else to look after me to care for me, to serve me, to deal with everything so I wouldn't have to plan and think of different solutions to the problems. So, yes, I believe in magic, karma and God. I do believe as well that things are happening for a reason and we are the masters of how our life will turn out. Taking into example myself - I screwed up my life, actually people around me did it - mother and father and the rest of close people, raising me that way, that now I don't know who I am, and what I want in life, I haven't got a hobby, and I can not control myself, I will expect me to be the best and I'm not, and they haven't taught me how to cope with that, I will get angry for no reason, I will hate, swear, hit, punch and think, I think a lot. Sometimes I feel like switching off and I can't, and my head is hurting so much from all those thoughts I feel so crazy. I have been an outsider for my whole life, I had been doing things no one else, I knew, did. But I learn how to cope with some of my issues, and there was the time I felt better but now, my old life is back again and it's harder than it was before. But I believe that there are some supernatural things watching over me, They makes me feel safer, more in peace, calm.


 There I was, on the checkout serving customers, an additional part of my job- at times, and customer approached my till. Hello Hope - she said, hello- I said in reply and smiled. The woman looked worried but smiled back. How are you, I have asked , I had a terrible week, she said. She was with her husband, he as well looked a bit different. I tried to change the subject while serving them, but she was repeating the - bad week. Then she said that on monday her daughter bought a new car - second hand from someone, and the car had blown out. Her daughter is only 23 she was repeating , I got goose bumps allover me, so I asked, is she alright? The lady said - yes, thanks god to the two men who jump out of the car from the opposite side of the highway, jump the barrier in the middle and shouted get off the car, so she did, and then she saw fire at the bottom of the car and a few seconds later the car had blown out. She showed me the picture, there was nothing left from the car just the frame. OMG I thought the girl cheated the death, or it was karma, or the God's doing or just her guardian angel done his work. The women said that her daughter hasn't even had a chance to thank those two people who saved her life, because the moment she was out of the car they turn around and go back to their car and drove off, coz the traffic started to get worst.


 Then she said that they went for a dinner during the week to one of their friends and had a lovely time, and at the end of the week on Saturday morning those friends found their 20 years old son dead in bed, he died in his sleep. Such a tragedy.




So I do believe that there is something powerful, isn't there?


I wish we all could master the way of protecting ourselves and the loved ones. 


XOXO

feeling

Take me somewhere new and dark

 Taught me , use me, bit me , hurt me

Cover my eyes and leave me in the cold.

 Tight my body with a rope,

Tie  my hands on the back,

  Don’t let me go!

Cover my mouth, so I cannot beg,

 Leave me in the cold, 

Just comes back to check

 If I am still here.

Take advantage of me,

 Use my body for yourself

Make me please you,

 Use me please.

Hit me so I will obey you

 Be there harsh, 

Don’t  pity me!

 And return my freedom when

I will know how to obey!

 When I won’t cry from the pain!

When I want to live again!

The way I see it

I feel very lonely today , to such an extreme that I again self harmed. I just have another race of thoughts which I really don't pay attention to, I am exhausted and fed up with all that. I feel like I am so pathetic, selfish and unbelievably lazy, I want to find a new job as the old one is just annoying me so much I can not describe that. I just got a transfer to another store closer to home probably I will start to work there in 4 weeks time, but so what it is still this same company so management probably isn't different from the one I know, it is just another location. It makes me angry as I want a change, but do nothing about it. I still have so much pain inside I just sometimes feel like I don't breathe , it's such a strange feeling I cannot describe. My head is hurting from all that, I can't put my thoughts in order, I got very angry so easily, I am tired of that. Harming myself helps for a moment, but then again this same I will have to harm myself constantly on days like this, just to stop the feelings. It's so annoying I just want to scream, but I can't. I'm with my son today so not much I can do, although something is always possible. I don't want to worry anyone, especially my hubby, he is one lazy bastard but he is concerned about me. Maybe it's foolish but I think I see how much he cares about me. The other thing with him is that he is so lazy and unorganised, he will make a mess and it takes him a week to tidy all this up, what the hell? I have to drop off our son to the nursery, then work to go to, come back home and tidy up and cook dinner coz nothing is done as he never have the time. I will probably divorce him one day. It's so hard to even breath, do anything , I would just sleep constantly, but I know I can't coz there is so much to do. Cleaning, washing, cooking, college assessments to write, and lack of concentration and this overwhelming bloody pain inside. It's just so hard to deal with all that.