tired

     I wish I would want as much as I don't want. Haven't been able to write anything recently , my mind isn't transferring my thoughts. I feel physically exhausted and mentally drained. I sleep 5 - 6 hours and that is not enough. I don't sleep well anyway, I have some bloody nightmares, dreams which make me more anxious and demotivated. I'm going to work today, and I so don't want to go, I feel so tired and kind a numb. I wish I could take a pill for all that to go away. But there is no magical cure.I don't sleep well recently, it is getting even worse now. I wish I could take some time off but now it is a case of disciplinary for me, due to absenteeism, so I don't want my papers to be marked with that and so I have to go to work. On the other hand I don't really care, but what keeps me at my job at the moment is that I have a family and we need to pay bills and I can't afford to not work for any period of time. It is sad really, because I loved my job at the beginning and the people I work with. But now it is just unbelievably hard to go there and do my job. I struggle big time, I really need another job. I realised that even if I will change the store it won't change much as my organisation values are this same everywhere. It is a big company and management is progressing through the career ladder where people become store managers at the end, because they were so submissive to other management that now they deserve a career. So unfair but what can you do. I had applied for few jobs again and didn't hear back from most of the companies. I just wish I would get a new job soon as I struggle so much and I just hope I will hold on through that tough time.

xoxo