I'm fuming inside, angry and so annoyed . From morning until now anger just getting bigger with every hour. At work I felt like useless bitch, stupid whore who doesn't deserve to be happy. I was sad and so tired that I couldn't believe that this is happening, as I woke up in the morning so fresh and so rested, within 3 hours I become so tired and upset and unhappy and fed up. I prayed to go home , if only the nursery would call that LO has a fever so I could go home - my LO didn't have a fever so they haven't called. I know I sound like a bad mother , but he was feverish for the last 2 days and I didn't want to stay at home with him today, so I checked his temperature and he was fine . Then I badly wanted to go home and I haven't.
Sad, nothing really is worth doing now. I feel so empty, so much in pain, so confused and SO tired. I'm unable to recall my past at times, it looks like I had a perfect happy life, as I don't remember it. On the other hand I remember my father drinking, mother arguing with him, then use of a wire to beat me up and the shame at school, excuses not to have PSHE classes as my legs were all bruised. I remember my mother shaming me , I cannot recall my age at that time. I remember shouting and screams, I was scared at times so much. I was told that I hit my head of the floor when I wasn't given what I wanted, I screamed and cried. Now strangely my mother denied all that, now she is saying that I was a perfect child. What the fuck!?Sorry, some of my thoughts don't make any sense but that's alright that's how I think I jump from one thought to another so fast that often I forget what I was thinking about a second ago. Blur.
Truly upsetting, recalling my past, there was this man.....
He spoke only English, he was old and he smelled badly, I was 18 or 19 at that time. When I was going home from my boyfriend's house I meet him a couple of times we talked while I was waiting for a bus. He lived in US for some years and his head was messed up. One day he offered me sex for money, I did accept this offer, we went to his home, I had sex with him and get paid for it. I thought that this was first and last time for me and him, I was mistaken. Then he started to stalk me , one day when I was going home he got into the bus I was taking, telling me he loves me, he wants to marry me, he will give me a good future and so on, he made me very upset and stressed me out. I was running through the bus, from him , he didn't. I was with my best friend and she as well was stressed. Someone stepped up and when the bus stopped and pushed him out of the bus. I was so bloody scared at that time. I wanted to forget all about that, but the karma makes me to see him every night, I felt him around wherever I was at my boyfriend's house. This lasted about a week and then my BF and his mother convinced me to call the police and make a statement of harassment. So I did, he has gone to the mental institution for stalking me. I had never seen him since then.
Oh well it's time to get some rest I feel calm and peaceful, I actually wanted to say that I'm just bloody annoying. I hit my hubby today as the anger was in my veins making me feel restless, shout and be offensive to him and my baby , and I feel really bad about it. Like I would love to apologise. I have that in my head, sincere apology, but this just can't go through my throat I'm unable to say it.
I even am unable to write it down here, I just can't.
Till tomorrow, for a new entry, have a great night.
xoxo
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