I got thinking now.

Am I bipolar ? What is it? Why the therapist thinks that?

I shall find out what is it , I will do a research now.

xoxo

tired

I am in a bad place right now,the attacks keep happening and I feel so tired of all that. I dont know what is wrong with me and the GP doesn't know either. I am unsure what I am doing and why am I doing it. I cut today , one cut to my leg, it didn't hurt at all , it didn't even bleed much. But it was deepest ever. It is bleeding now and it is a bit painful. I cover it with a dressing but I know I should had it stitched, though tomorrow I will set up a first aid kit for myself, if for any reason this will happened again. I will need a plasters which can be used as stitches and some dressings to cover it all up. I was surprised that the cut was so deep, and I felt like I will faint, as I hate the look of blood, and the wound was deep and I could see the skin layers - yuck.
Why I have done it ? I was in so much mental pain , my heart was hurting , my head felt so heavy. I was at work and I was in a very low mood , like I wasn't before. I REALLY HAD TO PUT AN EFFORT TO SMILE. I felt good after , it strangely made me feel relieved and so light inside.
I thought to myself that it doesn't hurt me , which was strange, but it took my mind off the pain I felt inside. I was feeling better.

I will see A. tomorrow I feel fed up like there is no help for me. No one wants to help an I haven't got the power to keep fighting, I feel like I am so alone and no one cares. I feel soooo tired.
xoxo

suicidal thoughts

I am.

Am I?

Tired and sad, with a head full of mess , I am worried sick, what I worry about? Everything i.e

my hospitalised mother , who might die any time , as she is loosing ability to get the oxygen into her system

my work, delusions which persist highly in relation to coworkers

my GP, as this little shit woman doesn't do a thing for me  and treats me as her guinea pig - as she wants to try medications on me and see if they will work , but refuses to send me off for psychiatric assessment as she claims it is a waste of time ( her almost exact words were, instead of doing those long tests we will try medication upgrading the fluoxetine dosage and give additionally ...)?!? WTF!

I worry constantly and this prevents me from ability to function as normal. I feel like I am so slow as never before. I take so much time to do things and I hate it. I move slowly, I don't talk as usual, I hate when people talk I am just unable to even listen. I feel so tired and kind a detached. WTF is going on now?

Is it another depressive, low mood, resigning moment of my pathetic life? Am I so tired of this shit that I am even unable to talk and listen, I think a lot though, I think about everything especially my mother.

I know right , she hurt me a lot, and I hate her for that but at the end of the days she is my mother, right. I don't forgive her for hurting me before, but hell if she die, I will drop even lower, I don't think I will be able to function at all then.

Fuck sake, I am so pathetic, fat and useless piece of shit , who doesn't deserve to be in this world. Even fucking GP doesn't think like there is a serious problem with me, WTF she wants? Dos she wants me to slash my wrists and bleed out and then she might think , actually she really needed help. How long can I stand this? How long I will be able to keep going, how strong I am yet? Why my screaming isn’t heard, maybe it’s not loud enough.

I am afraid on the other side, afraid that I will lose it , I had thought of harming myself for the last couple of weeks, and I managed not to cut every day. Which is an achievement.

I am confused, paranoid and so anxious that it makes me sick.

xoxo

Trust

Truly I want to thank you all for reading this blog, as I am then aware that I am not alone and that people feel similar or even this same way as I do. For that and for the comments left big THANK YOU XXX.

Yesterday I have seen my therapist A. I told her everything about my worries and that I have more stress because of the illness of my parents and my brother's family - they constantly have chest infections and bronchitis, what is worse that most of the year 1.5 year old and 3 year old boy is ill. This makes me very upset as why a child has to go through so much. I told her about SHE - which you met in a previous post, and that I am so angry at my GP as she doesn't trust me. I have asked her to have psychiatric assessment , to find out what is really wrong with me. It is a year now from the time I had gone to the doctors in relation to anxiety and stress , and I had seen people regarding that. Although there is more to the stress, depression, anxiety, overeating, binging, dieting, self harming, anger, rage and abuse. I wasn't just ready to tell her about my pain, my fighting thoughts, my racing thoughts, that I had been addicted to sex especially with man who were older than me , way older. That I spend the money I haven't got, that I hurt people who are the closest to me . That I am this scared and sad little person in one moment, and in a matter of minutes I can become cheerful and very active .

I told her that I want the assessment by a psychiatrist, and she asked me why?

I said - My therapist told me that she thinks I am bipolar and that it is worth to check it, 

GP- can you give me her phone number so I can talk to her?

Me  - I haven't got on me but I will call the surgery and I will leave it for you.

Why did she question that, I wouldn't ask for something if I was convinced that she is able to help me. But now she questioned it, and how possibly I can trust her now? I will see her today and what should I do just make it plain and just give her everything what I have on my plate? 

On the other hand I don't trust her, how could I trust someone who doesn't trust me?

Another thing is that A. actually told me yesterday to tell her everything , but I know I somehow did tell her briefly about all the symptoms , but I think she didn't even consider to help.

Many people are aware that if you self harm they will stick on your label of attention seekers. And to surprise all I will agree here, I wasn't before. But today I thought to cut my veins open so I will be taken to the hospital , and then they might put me for the psychiatric assessment. But what will happen if it will be too late? I self harm and I don't agree that I am an attention seeker here, as I cut the places no one could see, I have bruises on my body but no one can see them either, I am abusing myself sexually and no one has even an idea what I can do to myself. But taking into consideration cutting my wrists and having to go to the hospital , yes, that is attention seeking as no one want's to really help. This is crying for help, bringing attention that I asked for help and nobody helped me. I know it sounds weird and confusing, even I feel confused now. But this is how I personally see it. The worst and scariest thing in all that is that I might die, and I don't want to die.

Well I am tired and frustrated, and the worse thing is that I had changed so many doctors during this year and I thought that she is the ONE for me. But is she now? I haven't got the power to look for another GP, it is a waste of time and effort.

XoXo