06/04/2012

I thought I will have a really good day today. I woke up happy and full of energy. I started to clean up, doing laundry, washing up and so on. I even bake some pastry with jam, which weren't really nice, but still  spend nice time with my son doing them. Anyway they went to the bin :( But I did enjoy doing them.
 And then came this bad panic attack, the worst I had in weeks taking into account that I'm on propranolol which suppose to help me with anxiety. It didn't work the way it should, I felt like I'm having a heart attack. I was sweating, having shortness of breath, felt confused, and frightened by the whole situation. Couldn't think of anything to relax, so went to bed for a nap. Now I feel nauseous, and uncomfortable. Just tired, and I don't know why, there was nothing to trigger that at all. Oh well I hope tomorrow will be a better day .

CBT

I got a call at evening today from Right Steps , I have been put on the waiting list for Cognitive Behavior Therapy. I don't know how I feel about it, I hope it will work for me and from what I read, just now, its quiet challenging and has a good rating helping people learn how to manage their feelings. I ask how long I will wait for the therapy and find out that it will take up to 16 weeks , sigh. Never mind I waited that long so now it will be much easier as I know it has been put through.

I feel so empty I thought before if they will put me for therapy I will be so exited. I am not, now I want to read what this all CBT is about.

New GP

So today I went to see GP again , that was a new doctor very young, but sounds ok. I asked her firs of all if she is staying with the surgery as I'm just so unlucky to find a permanent doctor. She said she doesn't know, although she is staying for at least a few months. So I said fine. I told her some parts of my life and she was  looking as she was listening, like  really listening. I liked that. Then she prescribed me new medication additionally to fluoxetine. For my anxiety. I am getting anxious every morning and every other day is worse than the previous day. So I got propranolol 40mg 3 times a day. I hope it will work for me. I know she won't stay with that surgery I can feel that in my bones. I have to prepare myself for the break up, she mentioned that she is a trainee there and I understand that " I'm here to gain an experience, then I'm off to other practice". I just hope I will handle this alright.Work, I feel really sad that I have to go back to work, I need to have a job, I need distraction and work was always helping me. This time my work gives me heart palpitations, constant worry, make me sad, unwelcome, single out, worthless. I need another job, but I don't know why I stopped looking for one. Maybe the case is that I'm going away in May for a wedding, and my subconsciousness is telling me that there is no point looking for a job now as they won't employ me because of those holidays booked. Or maybe I am too depressed to look for the job, or my overwhelming emotions distract me too much. Anyway today will be job search day, I have to do it and maybe finally someone will reply. Wish me luck

I wanted to read what I wrote on my blog. But decided not to, as if I wouldn't like something I will delete it. If I do that I will cheat myself, and I don't want to do that.
Why I would do that? Because my life is bad I feel humiliated by all the things I am doing with my life and my body. I feel embarrassed and ashamed . I read my blog description and it is hard to read it. Anyway I will leave it as it is.
 Today wasn't a really good day I struggled, I wasn't able to cry I don't know why? I felt full of emptiness and just wanted to cry it all out and I couldn't. So, as much as I didn't want to I self harmed again. It felt good. The overwhelming emotions disappeared for a while which made me feel way better than before. Exactly what I wanted.
I wanted to have a nap today that was the first thing in my mind after I woke up, although I didn’t lay down. I had so many things to do – now it feels like there was nothing really to stop me – I read some blogs and tidy up a bit. I feel exhausted and lonely, I crave chocolate. That's such a good idea – chocolate.
 Today I was looking at myself when self harming and my face didn’t change a bit, just a grim of pain and tears in my eyes.


 I looked myself in the eyes and wanted to stop but I couldn’t, I called myself names – in my mind it is a male voice who tell me what he wants – that's my master and I am his beach. He will make me beat up and abuse myself, whenever I am happy or sad. He will tell me how to tight myself or what clothes to put on, he will tell me how hard I should squeeze my nipples, and how hard to masturbate, and with what. The voice will tell me what he wants me to do, and as I am his slave I will do it, through the tears. So at the end he will – sometimes – mention that I am good. I don’t always masturbate but that’s the part of my self harm ritual. I have punched my face and head, I thought that I will have a fat lip, luckily for me I didn’t. That’s alright then no signs visible.
 Time to go and eat something – hmmmm chocolate