Happy New Year

Wishing you all a very happy , as much as it can be, calm and healthy New Year 2013 xoxo

panic attack?

And again....

I am fully awake because of a strange dream I had. I recall that I dreamed about the fire, the fire of
my home. I came to a fire, of a strange big , like walk in cupboard/wardrobe I never had, with my husband and run to the kitchen for a container in which I could pour the water to put down the fire. I found a kettle and filled it up with water, and I was able to put the fire down , running and looking for my parents as I know they were at home, I found them in the bathroom in the bathtub full of water. Sleeping. Naked.

I screamed that there was a fire, and how they can not see it, and my dad told me that he knew there is a fire. Why then he didn't do anything to put it down? 

I had seen both of them kind a blurry, although I knew that they were naked in bathtub full of water and a bath foam on the water.

Then I remember a dog, nice dog, who bit me for some reason- I remember I provoked him. Then there was a lot of fire on the road and I was with my hubby his best friend and his ex wife - my cousin with whom I don't speak. Everything was on fire the rooftops, buildings, and we were running away. Somehow the fire stoped, somehow it was manageable to put it down , but the hell I feel fear now.
There was a whale not real though , but making real sounds - song of the whales is known to everyone I think. So, the whale was white and blue and was this kind of toy which you use on the water when you go swimming, you blow it and it floats on the water. But this one was like a real as it made a sound and moved and was really massive - like a real one.

I woke up to use the toilet, and to my surprise after it I came to the bedroom and I started to think about this dream, and I got very anxious , I had this pounding feeling in my chest and my ears were ringing. I felt like I am losing myself again, short of breath , so took the two puffs of the asthma relief, and then I realised that this might be a panic attack. So I opened the window and I started to breath and somehow I overcome that.



Now I realised that for the time I am at home - parents house, I was waking up at 3 am every night with symptoms of asthma but now I actually start to think that is was all along a panic attack , caused by my dreams. Today I checked the time and it wasn't 3am it was 1am. I can't go back to sleep after that , for no particular reason, so I thought I will write about it, so I will be able to speak to A. about it at my next session and to my GP.

So my dreams are really annoying , as they make me frightened and somehow prevent me from functioning as after the dream I am awake for a few hours which affects me, as I am tired through the day and I am not in mood to do anything.

Bloody hell , I hate my dreams  !!! The worse thing is that I rearly remember them but they have such an effect on my day, I am so angry and anxious because  of that!

the hospital story

As I had searched all the papers in my parents house I had finally found myPsychiatric Hospital discharge notes. I thought of different time frame but I was actually hospitalised for 11 days from march until the second week of April 2003. They had made a diagnosis of depressive reaction - whatever that means.

I will write the notes the psychiatrist wrote in the discharge notes.

The 23 years old patients hospitalised for the first time. From November 2002 there was a change in her mental health - patient becomes very sensitive, crying, raging, she found herself unable to concentrate. She had been on medication but her depressive symptoms get worse with persistent  "S" thoughts.

When the patient arrived she had been very moody , with tendencies of lowering, she was resignating with "S" thoughts. In the unit at the begining the patient was weepy, consistent and resonable  in her statements. As a reason of setback of her mental state she expose a stressful situation at home / persist from childhood/ . She was qualified for the therapy in Neurosis Unit, but she resigned.

Under the implemented treatment we observed a partial improvement of mental health. A patient asked for discharge herself, motivating this decition that she will continue treatment in the Neurosis Unit as an outpatient.

My medication at this time include Mianserin 60mg/day    

Carbamazepin Prolonged 300mg/day      

I will take notes to my GP for her to have a look at the medications I had been taking. It might help maybe, although I am not sure. The thing  I understand  from those notes is that I have neurosis, some kind of it at least. Well there is no surprise here, but I remember as well that she mentioned BPD to me . But she wasn't sure if I was suffering of it. She told me at a time that she needs more time to find out what was wrong with my behaviour, and why I acted the way I did. 

This makes me think that if I would carry on staying in the hospital, I would most probably have a diagnosis already, but well I made the decision to go home. It is just my fault then.

I am tired and frustrated, just felling fed up and so ignored by others that it drives me mad.

Who am I then?

I am 30 something woman who emigrated to foregin country , by clear coincidence. I am a wife, a mother, a friend, a stranger, the neighbour, the owner, an employee, a  leader, a frightened individual with mind full of worry. I would love to give all that away for a moment, in exchange for a moment of calmness and peace. I do not enjoy sex as much as I did before, and I realised that I really don't have to be loved, as I don't love as much as I should and I have the unconditional love of my child and I love him dearly. I am frightened of everything, what it means - I am unsettleld, I worry  every minute of every hour of every day and avery week , or mayby not as much - there are peacful minutes there, they has to be. I am constantly tired, like I don't know how to relax, and I think about the worsed.

The GP diagnosed me with anxiety and depression , not clearly specified. But there is more to that. I have an eating disorder, not specified by doctor - thay think I have bulimia , but they never check that, so in my mind is unspecified ED. I make myself sick at least 4 times a week , althrough there are days where I make myself vomit 5 times a day, overeat at least 6 days a week it can come to 14-16 times a week. I remember some days of not eating, or not purge or binge. But no one bother to check what is actually wrong with me. I feel like I am left alone in the mud, no help around, no one bothers about me.

I am taking fluoxetine and propranolol for quiet some time now, does it help? I don't really know deep down I think it doesn't. But what I know I am not a doctor, as they think. The GP is convinced that I really suffer of depression , but I actually don't as I am not constantly sad and miserable. I am tired and worried which is more of anxiety, which I would agree I have. But there is more, I harm myself , I cut my legs, I hit myself, I smack my face, I pull my hair, and I am angry. I am so angry at times that I hate myself. I am getting furious on myself not only on people around me. It is like acting in, but there are moments of acting out as well. I will lose pacience with closest people in my life but very rearly with people I work with or I don't care about. I frighten my son by shouting at him , and then he hides behind daddy and I am not moved by it , until I realise after a couple of minutes that I scared the shit out of him ( excuse the language). I will get angry on myself for no reason it is just matter of minutes.

Forgetfulness is not to much of an issue to me, just because I think I am forgetting bad things which had happened. Amazingly I remember everything very well till I had put it right , and then I forget. Like with work if somethink bothers me , I remember it untill I speak about it with someone, and when I  will trust that the issue will be resolved, then my mind erases this. Why? I'm not sure myself, but that is annoying , on the other side it doesn't bother me much. It is frustrating as sometimes people ask me about it and I am unable to discuss it, simply because I don't remember.

Depressed - am I? Hmmm ..., I am somehow , I fell like there is part of me which is depressed. On the other hand I feel so alone and worthless, it is like differend world to me. I feel left out, not depressed as much, but even if I am depressed the sadness I feel is differend. I just can not explain , the more I think about it the more I am convined that I am not depressed , or maybe I am compleatly wrong and live in denail. It is difficult to say.

Actually I am freaking out right now , as my husband went out to see his friend , here is midnight already and he isn't home yet. I am sick worried that something might had happened to him. He has the phone on him , but I havent got the number to call him, which is very bad. I am so anxious that my heart is pounding , and my pressure is higher than it should be. I was so tired today and now I can not sleep , I have a mild head ache , because of this idiot being out there and not carying about me whatsoever. I am at home waiting for him and he is not comming back!
This really annoys me , and makes me very angry, I feel this bloody pain of uncertianity and it deives me mad. I JUST CALLED HIM ON HIS UK NUMBER AND NO ANSWER, GRRRY!
This just makes me more angry, and as I am worried about him , I want to scream at him, so irresponsible. Like a child , and he is a grown up idiot who can not think that I might be worried about him.

now another call went straight to the voice mail, where the hell is he?

And how I can cope with all that shit, the anxiety is reaching the roof, because of one dickhead who dosen't think.

I am honestly freaking out , send him a text and I am waiting for his reply.

Good night xoxo

So I am , Lonely , miserable, tired, anxious, and everything possible you can add to this list. My dreams are frightening me , they are just unbelievable , today for example I dreamed about my husband and I told him that instead of drinking with mates he has to do some other things and he got upset and run up and down the road so angry, it was so weird. The dreams doesn't make sense at all , but they are so annoying because I am unable to undorstand non of them.
So this year I was with the whole family , it felt nice to be surrounded by people over Christmass, my son had his birthday and loved when everyone sing him happy birthday. He was so happy:)
I am like a shadow at times , I am worried and anxious and I am unsure why this is happening . I feel like I am loosing at times. I just hate the thoughts of destruction, and I dodn't like to be worried but I am. I want to be able to relax , but I can't . I don't know if it is enythink to do with the environment or not. I am constantly tired and could sleep forever if I could. I wish I could be a worry free person. But I am not.

Still fighting ED and the weird thing is that I don't have to make myself sick by putting fingers in my mouth to get sick, I will go to the toilet and just be sick I would throw up without need to put fingers in. Which makes me feel good, as when I throw up I bend by the toilet and food is comming out of me. I am unable to control my eating , I will shuffle everythink what I can find eat, eat, eat, and then I hate myself for eating so much and then I cause vomiting as this is the only way to rid of the food from my stomache. I wish I could be in control , but I am not, I am so weak and this makes me upset. I wish I could be in control and it make me frustrated because I am not.

Dreams

As we come over to see our families I stafdted to be anxious every day and every minute. I have bad dreams I dreamed of my uncle having sex with me, I dreamed that I left work climing cknstructive dismissal as K. Was making acusations towards me and the store manager didn't believe me. So I felt really hurt and it didn't matter for me I just left saying that I will be contacting the head office in relation to the situation. Then there was another dream which I don't really remember but still I feel very unsettled and kind a upset.

then again the pain

And again the pain so overwhelming like I can't even cry. The mind so damaged that I cannot think. My body so damaged that the muscles ache, my head so heavy from the pain. I feel like a disaster , as nothing is fine. Again disappointment , there is no trust, I am so foolish believing wrong people. I trust and then get stabbed, in my back, by those I thought were honest and truthful. But now I realise that there is no truth , no honesty, no wishing people well. 

I am broken and my heart is squashed by people who were around me for whole my life. I got disappointed so many times in my life that I can not count. I got hurt, and I didn't learn the lesson I am tired of all that. I wish I wouldn't care, I wish I wouldn't trust. I feel like an odd one in the herd, why ?

Because I feel so excluded and I rearely fit with others , on the other hand I wear my mask. I will adjust to the situation I am in , and I will act like the people around me. How weird is that?

Does anyone here feel that way? Is there another person who actually feel and see that it is depending on the environment they are in, for them to act different ways. I am smart and use really smart phrases when I need to show that I am intelligent. At work I am simple and straight, professional and honest, hardworking and helpful. At home I am myself, I think, the most. My mask is very light I only fake it in front of my husband and son , I don't want them to know how I really feel , that I might be hurt, and sad, and suffering. I will act like nothing happened, when actually I scream inside and if I only could I would tear myself to small pieces. I am screaming inside but no one hears me , I want to ask for help but I can't. How pathetic that is , but on the other hand I do survive, I survive my past so I will survive the future. I just feel so much pain, how to stop it? If I will stop it would I miss it?

God , I am so exhausted , physically and mentally and disappointed so much by everyone in the world. If I only had a courage to stop it all, I would. But I am a coward, and I am afraid, and a failier. I feel just completely numb, life is bloody hard .

disaster

I feel numb and so tired , I feel weak and sad , like I am not living. I again think like everyone is against me , I am becoming delusional. I am bloody scared of being here and now I want to change my job again . Though I am loving to work there, but the worse thing is that I feel like everyone is conspiring against me . That people want me to fail , that no matter how I will try there is not much I can do about it. I am physically exhausted, with headache and such an anxiety that I don't even think. How weird is that ? I don't think , my brain is just turned off I don't have thoughts in my mind, although I do work and do other stuff like I am programmed to do so. Massive, I am the kind of a person who want to please everyone. I am able to read people and the stupidest thing is that I am so bloody naive. I trust everyone and then they are taking advantage of me, and then I am hurt , and then again I meet new people and again I trust and again got hurt and again this circle is repeating. I am tired of all that I am tired of pleasing everyone, but on the other hand I love it , I love to be the best, the smartest, the cleverest and just such a quick learner. But after some time something is breaking down in my inside. I think like I have been cheated, people are taking advantage of me , they think that I am stupid and they want to harm me. I know it sounds so delusional, and I am realising that but hell I feel hurt. I feel like this is the thing which repeats itself all the time. I am king of a person who will start something but there is an issue with finishing it, even so I want that so hard. I am unable to accomplish it , like my high school I finish it but haven't done the last tests. Now with my college course I didn't feel like going to college when I had to, and now there are consequences. I might be able to finish it in January, if everything will go as expected. If not, it will be another fall and honestly not the last one.

I am currently so down that I haven't got any faith in myself, I feel so low. I am tired of being here now, so I am going to bed , good night.

xoxo

randoms

So I wasn't able to write for the past two weeks, I didn't really had a much time to do so. I have been seeing A for the last few weeks as some of you know, and I think she is helping me a lot. Not that she is showing me the way to go , or give me the solution to my problems , but she is actually listening and make me to think about the solution. Directing me like a guid dog for the blind, which makes me feel more confident. I spoke to her about K (colleague from work who I sincerlely dislike a lot), and then she asked me
- why do feel that way about her, what is it that she does what makes you to be upset and angry while she is around?

She reminds me of my mother, the woman in my life who should set an example, guide her daughter through the life , be a mother and a friend in some ways. But she wasn't and she still isn't. I know that she tries now to be a friend, because I think she is older and more matue than before, althrough I had to grow up fast and look after myself. She was and still is a rude person, hypokritc and arrogant, with delusions - yes she thinks that thigs are happenning when they doon't , but well that was her choice if she wanted to make it right she would liik for help , right?
 She thinks my dad is cheating on her , well if I will be a husband with such a wife I would cheat as well. Athrough we hae differend opinions what cheating exactly is. As for me it is a romantic relationship with somone while you are in relationship. What I mean is that I have sex with someone currently, but I don't consider it a cheating on my husband because I don't hae any feelings for that man it's just a sex. Where for most of the human population cheating means sexual relationship.Well I think our opinions aren't this same for a reason, to make people different, and because we are so varied in so many ways this is the reason we can leave with eachother.

So basssicaly K is reminding me of my mother , and here A made me realise that there is so many simularities between my mother and k, which is good so I partially know where I am with K

Anyhow, good or bad , recently I feel so normal. I dont feel like I am pressured , I dont feel hyper either the only trouble is the sleep, or maybe lack of it. I can not sleep, but I am so tired. But if I have less sleep I have more energy through the day, well thats good but I feel like its not enough , it's a bit confusing. Well it is like most of my life - confusion.

I am going to see my GP on wednesday as A. said that I should do it because of my differend moods and that i dont think fluoxetine helps me much. Maybe there is somethink else there, well at least A suggested that a few weeks back, maybe she is right maybe it is worth to mention . We will see what she will do about it.

xoxo