thoughts

I am tired of life and being the person I am at times like now, I feel very low and fully consumed by the pain which is deep inside me. I want to run to the end of the world and I am unable to as there is no end.My thoughts are my main enemy. I just thought of the moment my mum found her dad dying on the floor in his flat - he had a cancer which took his life. But how awkward it have to be to found someone you love at the end of their life path. It makes me sad. My nana was suffering from dementia so her memory wasnt good at times she was saying that she is a young woman, she didn't know at times that my mother was her daughter - sad as well. My mother is going through simular path of loosing memory, she might have dementia in future, so do I - As woman genes are the one which are more valunrable to get dementia.

But that's the think pain is so overwelming and it feels like there is no stopping there, mind is concentrainting on it so badly, I am unable to think about anythink else. My pain is massive I just cfan think about it and about the sllep, although I am going to work so I can not sllep. Hopefully when I will go out it will help me to take my mind off those thoughts I have.

mmm sad :(  xoxo

CBT- review of presenting difficulties and issues

I received the letter today with the dates available to book my short  introduction to CBT - it is called a workshop. It is designed to help understand CBT and make the best use of sessions- the letter explains.

So she wrote this letter and at first there is in bold "Review of presenting difficulties and risk issues".

I quote :

"You have explained that you have been experiencing anxiety and fear about dealing with everyday issues, especially work-related once, and that you can be extremely self-critical. You reported having frequent nightmares which leave you with strong feelings of sadness and fear. You described frequent mood swings , and said you face difficulty with binge eating and bulimia approximately once a week. This difficulty started when you were 13 years of age. 

You explained that you experience frequent thoughts of suicide , although you would not act on those because of your family. At times you can slap yourself in the face , and you have recently started to cut superficially on your legs, as a way to distract yourself from painful feelings.

You explained that you were disappointed that it takes so long for you to have some psychological help. You explained that when you were 20 years of age you were hospitalised in a unit for 2 weeks, and were told you are borderline, but not offered psychological support."

So to make this clear I don't think she really was listening to me, first of all. I will start from the end of the letter which starts "you explained...".

 So yes I said I was disappointed as I was waiting 16 weeks for "that theraphy"?!

This assessment is done by G was exactly this same as the one over the phone over 16 weeks ago, and in the letters they wrote that I will actually have 1-2-1 CBT and that they had put me on the waiting list and the longest I would wait is 16 weeks! Lie ! 

I waited and what? Did I start the therapy? - No. I am still on the waiting list ! That makes me fuming inside, makes me angry and makes me feel like, yea no one cares!

The part with the hospital is alright and that psychiatrist said to me that I am borderline. But I didn't want their help as they put me on very strong medication and I wasn't able to think nor do anything. I was constantly sleeping and I felt completely numb. That's why I decided to leave the hospital, so I had an appointment with my psychiatrist after the discharge but I wasn't bothered to come to that meeting . So someone actually wanted to support me, but I felt if I don't take a good care of myself, no one would be able to help me.

The middle part "you explained.....Thoughts of suicide" the first part is ok , as yes I think of suicide but I don't want to leave my son alone I want to see him grow and starting his own life. About the slapping in the face, I hit myself not slap, I at times use other stuff to hit myself in the head. Cut superficially - Hmmm? Yes they aren't very deep cuts and usually they are superficial.  Yes I cut because the feelings of anxiety and sadness, cause the pain insight me, it is not a painful feeling it is an actual pain insight my chest.

"You explained ....Anxiety" yes this part have the most info , anxiety and fear yes, but not work related issues. I said to her I changed the job and I love it. It is just me now, I feel sad and anxious without any particular reason. I have this sadness feeling which doesn't cause the pain where sometimes even when I am happy I will feel overwhelming pain inside and I cannot rid of it, and I am unable to explain that at all. I said about the nightmares I have which doesn't leave me with sadness and fear, but make my morning mood affected. What I meant was I can wake up sad and after a moment something will trigger me and I will be happy, or annoyed or angry, or whatever.  Mood swings, oh yes a lot of mood swings, binge eating and bulimia approx once a week - hmm lets say 2-3 times a week average, as I don't binge sometimes for weeks and I don't purge for weeks . But then I have days like yesterday I binged and purged 4 times, her listening skills are a bit affected. Binging about 13 years of age , yes approx.

So I don't feel great about it , the letter doesn't state all the facts, as I said before I don't like G. She reminds me of my ex manager who I hate so much that I cannot even describe it.

Where she included a part about trust and my feelings - like ppl are against me , where she put that I feel frightened that I don't trust anyone. That I feel like I am fooled a lot of times , where is the part about the anger and rage, when I explained her my biggest fear is that I will really hurt my husband or my child. None of those, but hell yea we will try CBT I just hope I will get it in time.

XOXO

JUST MY THOUGHTS...

Just fucking annoyed, bloddy hell I am exhausted :(

survivour

I feel empowered as not many of us is able to work, I am the lucky one, I have to work . For me the job is like a medication takes my mind out of things. That's why I am still here, I am surviving and I am capable of doing things for myself. I work to kill the time as sometimes I feel like time is my enemy, If I have to much time I will plan the murder, I will harm myself, I will abuse myself, I will get angry and be tired of life. So working is keeping me sane and I manage to work well under pressure. 

I am pretty hyper at work just because I love to do so many things at this same time , I am unable to be bored, if I am, I am tired, I feel like there is no point of me being at work. Then I will feel sick and I want to go home, that is basically how I am. 

I meant to be strong and I am trying to be, but life is cruel and is hurting me , I try to defend as much as I can, how long yet I will manage to be strong?

Feeling tired and anxious and sad somehow I feel like there is no energy in me anymore. The weird thing is when I am going to work I get the energy supply , and I really work hard. 

I was somehow able to delete myself from my followers , yey me ! I am proud of myself.