bit of BPD

As I have no idea what is really wrong with me I thought I will give you a detailed example for BPD and next time Bipolar disorder . There will be some quotes from this website: http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/understading-bpd/a-bpd-brief/ ,
as well as my own experience examples and real events which can be perceived as BPD.




“For a patient to be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, he or she must experience 5 out of the 9 criteria as set forth in the DSM-IV TR.
Establishing the diagnosis is complicated by the fact that the presence of many of these criteria fluctuates. Here is a more detailed explanation of these symptoms:




Abandonment Fears. These fears should be distinguished from the more common and less severe phenomena of separation anxiety. The perception of impending separation or rejection, or the loss of external structure, can lead to profound changes in the BPD patient’s self-image, affect, cognition, and behaviour. Individuals with BPD are interpersonally hypersensitive and may experience intense abandonment fears and inappropriate anger even when faced with criticisms or time-limited separations. These abandonment fears are related to an intolerance of being alone and a need to have other people with them. Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment may include impulsive actions such as self-injurious or suicidal behaviours. It was originally postulated that fear of abandonment developed as a result of failures in a child’s development during the rapprochement phase (from age one-and-a-half to two-and-a-half). However, empirical evidence has not borne this out.”




My experience of fearing abandonment are very common to people who are close to me , people I trust or just think I trust, people who are not exactly my loved once but the people I am surrounded with.

1. The store manager- The man I have a great faith in as well as trust , I believe he is a man of a word and that he genuinely care, in some way I can say I love him. Then there is this intense jealousy , which takes my mind and soul, I feel cheated and let down , and it is just because he is laughing with another member of staff. Then I want him to be acting this way with me. I feel angry and in so much pain , my chest is heavy and I can’t stop thinking about it, even after he will come over to say something or approach me for any reason I will act like I don’t care, but I really do. I suffer as he then acts very distant with me , and I want him to behave silly with me as well, so jealous.




2. Co worker , name her J – when she talks to me and I see that she engages with me on different levels I love it , I dearly love her smile and the way she talks, but I hate that she talks to other people. The hurtful thing is when she talks to A, he is handsome and loves to talk with her. I know she even considered to have sex with him . I am very jealous when I see them two talking to each other.




3. My therapist , when she says to me “ I am afraid that we have to finish now “ on our sessions. I get frustrated and down when we have to finish , I hate that I hate when we finish , and I am so unhappy about it. I am sure that most people are, just because you are unable to finish your thoughts, then again on the next visit you are unable to continue with the subject from the last session. It irritates me so much and make me very upset, but I am not showing that to her as I don’t want to be judged. Though one day when I was leaving the other person was coming over , I have met him at the door and felt so awkward.




4. When I was in the relationship with my then boyfriend ( now my husband ), I hated when his friends were constantly around. I hated them , why they are coming over like always, every day , that was so unfair, I wanted to have him all to myself, just him and me. Still now when we are going home and when he meets with his friends I get angry , but I am not saying anything, I tell him that I don’t mind him seeing his friends as this is only like a few times a year. But it hurts me a lot , and I feel jealous.




“Unstable, Intense Relationships. Individuals with BPD are frequently unable to see significant others (i.e., potential sources of care or protection) as other than idealized (if gratifying), or devalued (if not gratifying). This is often referred to as “black and white thinking,” and in psychological terms, reflects the construct of “splitting.” When anger initially intended toward a loved one is experienced as dangerous, it gets “split” off to preserve the loved one’s goodness. Relationship instability is thought to be a symptom of early insecure attachment characterized by both fearful distrust and needy dependency.”




1. As before see the note about the store manager, I hate him dearly when he is not behaving as I expect him, and then I love him when he pays attention to me.




2. I love my husband very much, but when he doesn’t do what I asked him to or hesitate with whatever I expect him to do, I immediately get very angry and I can shout out loud how much I hate him.




3. At work I have K., another team leader, when she is nice to me I feel like I like her so much, but when she is nasty to me I sincerely hate her .





“Identity Disturbance. The disorder of self which is specific to borderline patients is characterized by a distorted, unstable or weak self-image. Borderline patients often have values, habits, and attitudes which are dominated by whomever they are with. The interpersonal context in which these identity problems get magnified is thought to begin with not learning to identify one’s feeling states and the motives behind one’s behaviour.”




I don’t think I have any of that , but I might be mistaken. Well I still have the time to find it out.




“Impulsivity. The impulsivity of the borderline individual has been frequently self-damaging, in its effects if not in its intentions. This differs from impulsivity found in other disorders such as manic/hypomanic or antisocial disorders. Common forms of impulsive behaviour for borderline patients are substance or alcohol abuse, bulimia, unprotected sex, promiscuity, and reckless driving.”




1. Binge eating

2. Bulimia

3. Spending sprees




“Suicide or Self-injurious behaviours. Recurrent suicidal attempts, gestures, threats, or self-injurious behaviours are the hallmark of the borderline patient. The criterion is so prototypical of persons with BPD that the diagnosis rightly comes to mind whenever recurrent self-destructive behaviours are encountered. Self-destructive acts often start in early adolescence and are usually precipitated by threats of separation or rejection or by expectations that the BPD patient assume unwanted responsibilities. The presence of this pattern assists the diagnosis of concurrent BPD in patients whose presenting symptoms are depression or anxiety.”




1. Cutting

2. Scratching

3. Pinching

4. Hitting

5. Smacking
6. Gnashing of teeth




“Affective (Emotional) Instability. Early clinical observers noted the intensity, volatility and range of the borderline patient’s emotions. It was originally proposed that borderline emotional instability involved the same problems of affective irregularity found in persons with mood disorders, particularly depression and bipolar disorder. It is now known that although individuals with BPD display marked affective instability (i.e., intense episodic depression, unrest, anger, panic, or despair), these mood changes usually last only a few hours, and that the underlying dysphoric mood is rarely relieved by periods of well-being or satisfaction. These episodes may reflect the individual’s extreme reactivity to stress, particularly interpersonal ones and a neurobiologically-based inability to regulate emotions.”




1. I get upset very easily, if someone will ignore me or if I will have a bad dream this will affect me. When I get to work my mood changes directly, it depends with who I am so I will be in a good or bad mood, I will feel settled or anxious, I will be sad or happy. My emotions are changing with or without a trigger as I watch TV , hear the music it brings all the different feelings.




“Emptiness. Chronic emptiness, described as a visceral feeling, usually felt in the abdomen or chest, plagues the borderline patient. It is not boredom, nor is it a feeling of existential anguish. This feeling state is associated with loneliness and neediness. Sometimes their experience is considered an emotional state and sometimes it is considered a state of deprivation”




I am uncertain if I feel this kind of emptiness , although there are times I feel the emptiness.




Anger. The anger of the borderline patient may be due to temperamental excess (a genetic vulnerability) or a longstanding response to excessive frustration (an environmental cause). Whether the cause is genetic or environmental, many individuals with BPD report feeling angry much of the time, even when the anger is not expressed overtly. Anger is often elicited when an intimate or caregiver is seen as neglectful, withholding, uncaring, or abandoning. Expressions of anger are often followed by shame and contribute to a sense of being evil.

I feel angry very often and sometimes the smallest thing can make me furious. The last big angry outburst was when K., at work, lied about me , she called a deputy while I was on my way to the department as she tannoy me , and I overheard her saying that : Fay left the department and went to the warehouse , who knows for how long. The truth was that I left another colleague to take care of the customer service desk and checkouts. Well I angrily confronted her and told her not to lie because I have left a person in charge when I went away.

“Psychotic-like Perpetual Distortions (Lapses in Reality Testing). Borderline patients can experience dissociation symptoms: feeling unreal or that the world is unreal. These symptoms are associated with other disorders, such as schizophrenia and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), but in those with BPD the symptoms generally are of short duration, at most, a few days, and often occur during situations of extreme stress. Borderline patients also can be unrealistically self-conscious, believing that others are critically looking at or talking about them. These lapses of reality in the BPD patient may also be distinguished from other pathologies in that generally the ability to correct their distortions of reality with feedback remains intact.”




1. I have feelings of detachment from reality , I feel like I am but I am not, at this same time.

2. I have panic attacks which come from nowhere and last different durations , but no longer than an hour

3. I feel like people are gossiping about me , not good things, and like they just are being cruel that way.

xoxo

Psychiatric assessment

I got my assessment date with community mental health team psychiatrist and psychologist , it will be the Friday 22 of march. I feel scared that they will find that there is more to the way I am behaving than I ever thought it is . On the other hand I will appreciate if they just would tell me that I have depression and anxiety and that there is a simple cure to that. I will be glad if it will go smoothly as I don't want to wait for ages , as you usually have to, and I hope they will be able to sort it out the anxiety attacks, and I will rid of them finally. I am so interested of the way they will do it, and what will be the outcome.

xoxo

Am I becoming delusional? I said before that I love my job, and the store manager is such a lovely man with big heart, considering, and fair. But hold on , now I am getting the feeling like I am getting jealous of him, like when he talks to other people I got thoughts, like - why he is laughing? - why he is joking with someone, - why he doesn't talk to me. Especially i got jealous or angry if he have a laugh with a woman or someone who I hate , and then the whole situation affects me. I hate him, I feel cheated , I have this weird disappointing  feeling which makes me aware of those delusions. On the other side I work very hard , for some reason, to make HIM proud?! I don't understand that I treat him like a father at times , and sometimes I want him as a lover, I would like to have a closer relationship with him. I feel weird , as I feel for some reason I need him so much in my life, but the feelings I have for him are not normal. Today I get to the point that I would rather try to find a different job , than stay in current one. Because of those strange feelings. I got upset with him, and I won't speak to him if I feel hurt, or ignored and I know when he is not in mood, so then I will avoid him as well. I just constantly think of him at work , when he is in the store. It is bad and unprofessional , and I can not stop my feelings which annoys me even more.

I just feel so weird about that.

xoxo

and here I cried

I haven't been in such a distress for ages, what happened was someone had made a false allegations against me and I didn't handle it well at all. Let me tell you what had happened.

I had asked , politely ! one of my colleagues to do some work , using words - can you please . What had happened the monkey got unhappy for some reason and made a complaint that I had been rude to him , and that he is such a poor monkey and he needs to be petty. I went to make it all straight and got very upset about it. I won't let some stupid little man spread the lies so I fought for my truth. Where there in the room in my presence he still insisted that I was rude to him. I said I want a disciplinary action to be taken against him , handle the whole situation quiet well and went back to work without disturbing thoughts and just kind a chilled about it. I said that I will write a complaint letter with a grievance to the store manager for today and I will bring it over, unfortunately I wasn't able to put my head together and write this letter. So I went to work today, everything was fin he was off today so I didn't had to see him. Though at the end of the shift I went to talk to the store manager and then he mention that he needs to talk to me. He said that Mo came to see him today and said that I had been very rude to him, and then I broke in tears. I felt cheated, abused, angry , I cried and felt ashamed, as it was on front of my manager. I said my part and I said that I just can not deal with such a stupid accusations and this makes me so upset. He at the end said he will speak to him and find out what in his opinion is being rude.
But I don't want that, I feel like this won't be enough I will raise the grievance as he was accusing me of things I haven't done. I felt very fragile and vulnerable , but I have no idea why exactly. I felt distressed and offended, as I take such a pride in my work and for me respect is a very important part of being a professional in the job I am doing. Then I went to see A. my therapist, I cried on my way there and then I cried on the session.

 Crying didn't made me feel better, I felt in so much mental pain that when I went to changing room I wanted to cut myself, I thought even about killing myself when I was on my way to the therapy session. I tried to think of something completely different just to take my attention from the pain. I somehow coped without making any physical harm to my body although wanting is so badly . I felt broken and kind a destructed, I started to feel angry at the end of the session as I had imagined myself hitting his face with my fist, and then knocking him on the ground and kicking him. This brought release and made me feel way better.

How strange, this image brought relief of the pain , maybe not a completed relief but big somehow.
I felt so elated after realising it , like I got the energy from nowhere.

I will think now on the way I will handle it , and maybe this is the time to tell my manager about my health issues.


xoxo