And so the life goes on

I haven't mentioned before but my parents were staying over with us for a bit. They came over for a holidays which they hardly can afford. I loved that my dad had come , I was really glad that he finally visited my home. They live in the other country and arent ritch enough to come and visit every so often. My mother stayed for like 5 weeks and my dad for 2. It was alright we went for a boat trip down the Thames and visited the one of British Palaces and the gardens, we went out a few times and done some shopping. Thanks to that we are in serious debt right now. But this is due to me I can not stop, I am spending money for silly things where I should save money for colleage and the christmass trip home. But I simply can not control this overwelming urge to spend the money I haven't got.

It was alright when my parents were here, my mother as usual annoying terribly at tyimes. She knows best ! She guide us how to rais our boy, damn you woman! She was the worsed mother possible , very angry and challenging , degrading me for the life I remember making me feel tiny as a mouse. I hated her and I hate her now for things she is saying that she never smack me or my brother bottom - lie. I remember very well her grabing the extention cord and smacking me with it whenever on my body . I had such a big purple marks on my legs, bottom and back. I hate when she saying what a perfect parent she was. Bull shit!
It makes me very angry when thinking about it, on the other side I know I don't want to be like she was . I want my child to love me and respect me as a parent. I do expect a lot from him but as well I am a believer and I know that there in life is always a time to develop and learn . I am trying to be undorstanding and love him as he is.

The other thing which bothers me at the moment is that I have to take a loan for my study, and write 3 assessments and I have 4 points to reffer from my previous work. Damn you college , but without it I won't achieve the standard of life I want for myself and my family.

I as well have seen a consellor and I hope they will call me back saying that yes I will have consuelling service. I know I need it to talk to someone to find out where there is an issue in me.

xoxo

I am still here

I know I haven't been on the blog for some time now. I am just so extremely busy. I am going to the gym at least 5 times a week doing something about my weight and I lost 9kg which is alright for the period of 6-7 weeks. I still binge and I will make myself sick to rid of it . But I am calmer more than before, although I didn't have much time so I didn't renew my prescriptions and honestly I miss my dose of fluoxetine. I feel eager at times and so angry at myself . I still cut my legs and I am tired of my life at times. I have these visions like I would stab myself with a knife or anything else just to hurt myself as I feel so much pain inside. I want to be a better mum for my child and it makes me upset when he doesn't listen to me nither do what I ask him to do. But there is my fault in that as well as if there wasn't he wouldn't do it and he would obey whatever I ask of him.

I started counselling last Monday and I am just waiting for their call to say when my sessions can start , so CBT wasn't for me as I had found out that first I need to know the roots of my problem and then I can take some steps to deal with that. The person who assessed me first - on Monday was so nice- I FEEL LIKE THIS IS IT .  I feel like this is the right way to go for me. I didn't feel that with the Right Steps so now I feel like I am doing the right thing. 

I am still confused about everything and I need a bit of time to myself but this can wait , I like that I am so occupied and this makes me feel good . I am tired but this is good this eats my energy and I am more in control.

I will try to update more , I hope it will work .

xoxo

past 3 weeks

I have been here all the time, I just didn't had a power to write. Few things happened during that time. My parents came over to visit, my dad left on sunday my mother is staying longer . O well I have a bit of time to myself then. I had signed up with the local gym, and I will be trying to get there at least 4 days a week. I hope I could stick to it well. I had an argument at work and I left my workplace unauthorised , but I felt belittled and so small , I had to leave. I cut my hair very short , and I called counselling service - to arrange the assessment. I feel tired and upset but on the other hand I am motivated , but hell I binge so much and I am so tired of all that . Sad , huh

husband

I hate my husband so much he is such a pain. He is constantly busy with his own tasks not helping me at all , when I ask him to do something he does hesitate to do it. Until the point when I can not handle it and I would shout at him or simply hit him hard , whenever. I don't think about it until it's done . Today for example I asked him to take rubbish out and he told me he doesn't have his shoes on nither empty hands. But he actually could take the bin bag to throw it away. I got very upset I told him how useless he is and took rubbish out myself. I really do everything by myself. I hit him in the shoulder really hard as well that the punch cause his hand to feel funny. Never mind I don't care. I am so angry with him now that nothig could possibly change it.

I am so angry because he is freeking lazy, I do undorstand the times when you are out of power and you are phisically unable to do anything , just lay in bed and sllep. But he can not be like that always , can he?!
I thiought he would be more of help when he will go part time, as he took a part time job with NHS. He finishes his job at 12 midday, is back home around 13.30 and does nothing. I work full time and on top of that I have my fucking depression and whatever disorder I have , ten doc appointments, son nursery now it will be school , our family pet , cleaning , cooking and everything else .Grrrrryyy I am so bloody angry just want to scream and tear my hair off my head. I am calm outside because I have my parents at home , probably if they werent here that will be a home war, between me and him.

What I want is just a fucking help, with the housework , not only laying down with his phone nither playing on xbox constantly. This doesn't benefit us as a family, he is so stupid I think at times that I want a divorce as I know I would only blame myself if something would be wrong as I will be on my own. Right?!
Just feeling fed up and angry.