GP

I'm so angry at the doctor I have seen today! She just made me feel like my feelings and concerns are NORMAL. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, she made me feel stupid and foolish. It was another doctor the 4th in the line, I couldn't book an appointment with the one I had seen a few weeks back.
I went there for my medication and ask if the Right Steps mention anything about my assessment they have done a few weeks back. I was expecting that they did send a letter to my GP stating what is wrong with me, I wanted to know if there was diagnosis for the way I feel and think.

The question I asked was "I would like to know if I have a diagnosis for the way I feel?". I need to know if it is anxiety or depression or personality disorder or all of that together or separately or if it's something different, that I didn't think of. I was hoping as well to have my medication prescribed in a higher dose, as it has not been working well for me recently.
What she told me was that all people have anxiety and it isn't a problem, as stress can cause that. Regarding my mood swings she said everyone have better and worse days. When I asked her about diagnosis she said is really hard to diagnose someone as they don't want to label anyone. All answers I got today were dismissing and unhelpful. If I am actually all good and it is just a temporary thing why on earth I felt it for the whole my life? Why now it's come to me with such an impact that I can not think about anything clearly, I forget things, I can't concentrate, I'm so sad, empty, lonely, feel like people at work are lying to me constantly, I trust no one but I tell them about all the pressure and feelings I have, I hate myself because I'm week. I harm myself , and actually find a better way than before. I am not banging my head, now I am scratching, it leaves bad marks but it lets me somehow control my urge to self harm as when I see what I have done and how bad it looks like, I think. I just wish I could find a quick solution for all my feelings to go away or at least reduce the amount of the emotions I feel.
Anyway going back to my GP, she just was terrible she made me feel like I am making myself mentally ill, as emotions and feelings I have are normal. It sucks, terribly, big time! I thought that I have to kill myself for doctors actually to see that I really need help, but then it will be too late. I am already tired of all the effort I had put into contacting GP and going through all the details of the feelings and emotions I'm experiencing. Now for them to tell me that they cannot diagnose me it's pointless, and makes me so angry as they don't put enough effort in finding out for me - at least it is what I feel. They could possibly arrange appointment for me with mental health services just to have a proper assessment done by a professional who actually is experienced in the field, but no , there was no effort from GP- they are useless, incompetent, generally not trusted and very unhelpful. They don't understand and what is worst they don't want to understand, they cannot feel what you feel and for them is such a normal thing to judge you without realising how much pain they cause you. Fore more she made me feel belittle, very upset and completely disappointed.

BACK TO WORK

So I returned to work on Tuesday. I wasn't really ready to go back but I need the money, so I decided not to take an additional week off. I started at 9 and I was so anxious to come over and frightend of people being around me I felt like everyone knows why I have been off sick. I wanted to talk to my manager but she didn't really had a time- again. She said she will talk to me on Wednesday.

When I came to work on Wednesday I think that I spend the longest amount of time with her since I'm working for the company- on and off, if you add all that time it was an hour. I told her how I feel - worthless , hopeless and not appreciated. She asked me if I want to step down from supervisory position and work as an assistant , I got really angry.

I told her that I was doing fine until my senior manager told me that he feels that I should step down from a team leader position, just because he felt I'm not mature enough and I display my emotions. Daa who doesn't do that? Maybe I am over emotional but that's the way I am, although it doesn't affect my work, it doesn't affect my performance, it only may affect my interactions with colleagues, but then on the other hand I learned not to take this as a bad experience. I am more vigilant to other peoples' feelings, and I honestly deserve better than what he said to me. I tried to defend myself but without luck, so I said ok, let it be . So I become a supervisor, and then from day to day I was stripped of my pride, they have removed all my responsibilities. The only thing that was keeping me going. They make me feel undervalued and bad, I felt like this is all my bloody fault. I couldn't come to work without feeling sad and anxious, I couldn't think clearly, I thought everyone was against me and they don't want me to be there. I still feel that way. And now she is asking me if I won't be feeling better doing "nothing" job of an assistant. No !

That will be the worst scenario for me, I am ambitious and it kills me when I am just another employee, without challenges and targets to achieve. I hate the feeling that I can't do anything. I hate feeling that I am on the lowest position, I mentally can't stand the thought of not being responsible at all. I am mortify with the vision of sitting on the checkout or serving customers in the kiosk, or spend the whole day on the fast track till. I left my previous job as I thought I will grow up with that company,and I hated my previous job,  but now I feel like they are destroying me. Even with my mood swings and anxiety I was a great employee, I was performing well taking into account that they didn't show me much of the task team leader does. I learned most of them from colleagues who are with the company for longer than I am. I had an assessment for a team leader 4 months after I started to work for the company , I was successful and I become a team leader a month after the assessment. So I think that they have seen something in me, some good skills and experience.  That's why I have taken that job.

Anyway I didn't agree to step down , I asked her to write a request that I want to reduce my hours to 24 , working 3 days a week. So she did and said that now she will have to speak to the store manager and HR manager if that will suit the business needs, and she will get back to me. I really don't care what they will do now as it's not right what they did in the first place taking me off the position, I didn’t have one to one review of my performance with my manager before, so my performance wasn't really assessed. If I would have that I will probably perform well , if not they would have to offer me a coaching or more training. Those are the legal steps employer should take , right?

So it was my first time in my whole life where I took time off work because of the stress  feelings of worthlessness and anxious, empty and angry. Before I would leave my job but now I have a family, I have to think about my son, and I can not be as selfish as before.

I have never really fit in my workplace. I'm the only foreigner there in a position of a supervisor taking into account that the store employ over 500 people. I think that's a racist thing as well , because all managers and team leaders and supervisors are white British origin, actually the 90% is English and there are 3 people who were born in England but their parents are foreign . So making an honest assumption it is racism, and there are no equality and diversity in place in my opinion as well. I have, face which doesn't fit in the store, I think that they think that I am stupid, that I don't have the right capability, that I don't understand. But that's all is biased and they know that. I told my manager at the beginning that I feel alienated and singled out, she told me that I need a time to adjust. I never need to adjust before so why now? Now 1.5 years passed by and I still feel as I felt at the beginning.

So taking into account that I am ambitious, hardworking, honest, reliable and confident person in general and in my workplace I feel useless, underestimated, worthless, unsupported, single out, hurt, used, stupid and completely dumb - my workplace is hell.

It made me very depressed I felt like I was rolling down the hill with my self-esteem knocked down by the management, on top of that my mood swings become more severe. I could not recall what happened the previous day, who said what and why, I feel like my job is the place I want to forget and that’s why I really cannot remember much of my day at work. I feel such a rage at times that I want to pull my hair out, I will be self harming from the overwhelming anger, just to release the emotions. I feel numb at times and I will self harm again just to feel something. I want to scream and shout, I want to cry, I want to tell people how much I hate them , how I feel they are lying to me . How I am almost certain that they talk about me, how much I want to die because all of those feelings. And how much they are all hurting me, and that I cannot trust anyone. As always I will be disappointed, used, taken advantage of, left with nothing but sorrow. I want to cut my heart out of my chest to stop my feelings. Feeling of sadness and pity, feeling that I cannot describe, my throat closing up and having no ability to relax.

I wish I could scream all that out to people who hurt me, to people who I adored before and hate now, the ones who I trusted before and now I feel they are worst enemies.

But I can't, I phizically can not tell them how much I suffer because they won't undorstant, they will judge, they will think I’m carazy and anytysocial. But the truth is I feel like I’m dying because of them, the people around me and I heate them all so much!

My lovely son,  was  naughty and so we decided to discipline him. We wanted to put him to the naughty corner, and then he snapped. He was very upset throwing things from the sofa on the floor, and screaming that he doesn't want to go. I was watching how my hubby took him and sat him down in the naught corner. He screamed and shouted at him , hit him as well, hubby got frustrated.
This is not the normal child behavior, is it me who cause all that mess? I think so, I can not say that I don't love him, I do love him dearly. He is my biggest love and the best thing that ever happened to me. But I think he has feeling issues which he cannot describe, throwing tantrums at us.
I went there and try to talk to him, he didn't want to talk, he didn't answer my questions he was very angry  moan mmm,wrryy and so on. I told him that I love him very much and that brought his attention. Yes I thought , that's the way I want him to behave. I got his attention and I said - I know that you are sad, and I know you are tired and I love you and want all the best for you, have you seen daddy, how sad he is? - He said that he is really tired and he wants to lay down , I got some kind of a conversation from him, which is an achievement. I asked him if he knows why he is in the naughty corner , he said he doesn't, so I told him - because you were naughty, throw things from the sofa, you shouted at daddy and you hit daddy. - He said yes, so I ask him to go and apologise to daddy, he did - although my husband ignored him (!!!) and I had to mind him to give little D a cuddle. D went to bed to lie down. I said to my hubby that this is really stressful for him and that he is feeling very low and he might think that we don't love him- as he reacted with attention when I mentioned that to him.
I am so worried that my LO will have this same life as I do, I don't want that life for him. I want him to be happy and loved, I want him to understand his own feelings and why people react the way they react. I want him to know that I love him very much. I cause him pain, I can scream at him and I know this is the wrong thing but I can not control that. I feel sad because of that and he has nothing to do with who I am emotionally, and he suffers. I don't want to be like that, I don't want to scream and shout at him but the trouble is I can't control my reactions, and that is why my boy has those problems now. I am a bad mother  but I want to improve, I want to become a better mum. I want to understand myself so I can help my son and help myself with life. I am so sensitive regarding my behavior and I don't want anyone to know about those issues, but now I realise it's not only me who is affected it is my family and closes friends, and I now understand that they don't have to go through the hell I went through and that's not their fault, and that they don't have to suffer. Some of my friends left and I have never seen them since, but my son doesn't have a choice I'm his mum and he needs me. He doesn't want that angry, abusive, harsh outer me he needs a calm, supportive, reliable and caring mum, who will guide him him through the life. I wish I had someone good in my life.

When I was 15 I had my first intercourse with the man who was 30 years older than me, he was my friend's uncle. The girl lived in the village and was studying in the city I lived in. My mother knew her parents some how, and on the school exams I met her , and we decided that we could give her a bed in my room and she could live with us. So she did, and we were going back and forth between her village and city. One day her uncle come to visit, and offered to take us to the night club. So we were pretty excited to go, we weren’t able to buy any alcoholic drinks but we were able to enter and have a nice time dancing. When we arrived there (around 20 minutes by car) he asks me to stay in the car and the girls to go and have fun, and when we all questioned him he said he needed to talk to me. So they agree to go, and I assure them that I will be fine. That was the worst decision, he said it’s my choice, or I will have sex with him or he will leave us there and we will have to come home on our own. So after contemplation and discussing situation with him, I agree to have sex with him , but I didn’t have any other choice. That was the worst thing ever , I felt dirty, ashamed and so so bad. I have met with him a few more times, as he would say that he will tell everyone, taking into consideration that I didn’t want anyone to know I would do whatever he wanted me to do. But one day I just said enough, and so he went and told people that he had sex with me including that girl's father. So her father called me names, he said I am a whore and so on. I had to leave their house with the next bus, so I did. Later on I went to the library to check what can I do to protect myself from that whole situation, I find out that I can sue him, but I thought I will keep it safe just in case if anything will happen. This girl still lived with me for a couple months, and we barely spoke to each other. One day, some time after the incident her mother comes over to visit and it was me and her only and so she told me that her brother's wife want’s (the girl uncle)to come over to my parents and tell them the whole situation. I was scared and said that if she would do that her husband will go to prison and so I have never heard from him or her since then.