Back Again

So here I am again with my head full of mess, and frightening thoughts, if I only could or be brave enough to end the pain. But i am not , not as brave and courageous as I wish to be. I was laying in the bed with my little D and thought about cutting my arms , and if I will be strong enough to call for an ambulance if there will be a need to do that. If my husband would find me with my arms cut and blood around, he will definitely say how irresponsible of me . Those thoughts are scary, I just had like two hours sleep an I feel really rested, but my head hurts I have stupid thoughts and I feel really annoyed. I ask M ,my husband to tidy up today , so he had found a time to make it tidy a bit although not to my standard so I had question him, and obviously I used my strength against him. I grabbed his face with my hand, saying that I wanted you to clean ages ago, he looked at me asking if I have to abuse him. I said yes as you aren't doing anything I asked you to do. This makes me so angry , like really properly frustrated and unhappy. Grrrryyy. I feel rough, tired and sad, I feel lonely and desperate. Desperate for what? I am unsure myself, but I have in my head that I need attention. Laying in bed I thought of K she is my problem , and I know they won't rid of her from work. So I had decided to look for another job, yes, I love to work in my current workplace, but I feel like I want a change and that I can not commit full time and without that commitment there is no progression chance for me there. As to be a manager I had to commit full time, working like 39 - 50 hours a week. I still have a life, right ? I just had a laugh with M , it was nice. Yes he makes me laugh at times , so I think It's not so bad overall. But the hell he is annoying at times so much that I can not stand him, like today he put music on and was making moves so idiotic that it made me angry. Why? I don' t know for sure, but it remaind me of J - the guy I was living with after moving to he town I live in now, he was a jerk saying it shortly , and when he dance the moves were so awful like I can't describe. It's just so bad, making me think of it. By the way I meet with him a month ago for a coffee and then we went to his place and we had sex, yes , I know - so stupid . I didn't had my pleasure which was as usual, he is like a hungry lion who doesn't tastes food just consume it to feel full. O well so stupid of me again, and he paid me like £20 for it, and I thought crap I am so dumb, I haven't still learned that he just want to satisfy himself stingy disgusting man. Why am I saying that , coz it was agreed before hand that he will pay me, I am not sure why , because it is not like we lack the money, it is he comfort of me saying I haven't cheated, where my husband doesn't know about it , and its not like I don't feel saisfied with M, I do. But I am weird at times and this makes me feel like yea why not to try something new or different , as it is really new. And now I see him every week he comes to my store he doesn't approach me he is not coming even to say hello, as he suppose to think about my regular sex visits to him , where he will pay me for it. So he didn't contact me and after a week I decided that even if he comes now it is too late, he is too much hassle. Now as I said I see him in my store and I am quiet sure that he knows that I look at him and that I am aware that he is there, but still he is not even looking at me when I spot him. O well it have to ended one day and I think this day had come. Fare well J and I just hope I won't have sex with you again.

So anywa that's crap isn't it it just happens randomly, but I feel so much pressure now, I was wondering if I should really see a doc as A said. I do hesitate to go and see her, but it might be an idea of getting different med , or something additionally to fluoxetine, as I use a propanol in small douses, like ne tab daily and sometimes even not that. Although there are times that I take it more , like when I am anxious or very stressed to calm myself down. Fluoxetine doesn't help as much as I thought it would but stops me somehow from regular binge . I still binge like today I overeat so much hat you can not believe with chocolate , smoked fish and marzepan, and hen I purge it all out through the drain. The amazing thing is that I am loosing weight so now my weight is 97 kg whickh is just below15.5 st. This makes me proud, on he other hand my skin is not so elastic as before so I try as hard as I can to make it tight, though it not exactly happening, but at least in clothes I look fine, right?
Then I binged again when boys came home, as I was feeling hungry but when I eat I usually overeat , and hen I am too full and. Have to rid of that feeling of fullness. I honk I had a bit of a rough day today, I didn't mention that I smack myself across the face today again, beside cuts on. my legs. I feel exhausted at times and as I mentioned in other posts sometimes I wish I could just switched off my mind and stop thinking, so I would use the OFF button today if I only had one. I also realised that I am in bed from yesterday, what I mean I cam home and I went to bed at 5pm wake up at 8,30pm and went back to bed at 9.50pm slept through the night and wake up at 7.17 am, take D to school come
back , and started to write the assignment for tomorrow staying in bed. Then at 4pm after dinner I went for a lay down as I felt really tired, I browsed sme jobs and I fell asleep around 6 pm, I woke up when D. come to bed after his bath and it was 8.30pm. And I lied with him thinking about all the stupid stuff. I feel now like my head is massively heavy, and hurts me . I feel numb and so tired and then tomorrow I have the assignment in college and I don't feel like going there as I feel so tired. But if I won't go I won't finish the course and I won't get the certificate. So pull myself together and prepare for performance review tomorrow.

XoXo  

Yesterday's session

So I have seen my psychotherapist yesterday, and that was the thing which made me not to go to work today. Why? I will explain everything now.
I went for yesterday's session and we spoke about one of my colleagues who is actually on this same position as me, but this person is really mean and unprofessional , she always have to have everything her way. Like she made me feel worst than her, but am I really. She is a foreigner as me , and she thinks that this is her store and her department even though it's not. She makes people feel bad about themselves and thinks that this is ok. I just can not stand the confrontation with her. What I mean is that she makes me feel uncomfortable and somehow guilty, I don't understand that . I wish I could. She manifests her power , always , when I am there showing like she is my boss. I sincerely hate her, like no other person in my workplace. So basically yesterday we spoke about her and my mother, A. asked me what is that about K there , that makes me uncomfortable and that I can not confront her. I didn't know until we spoke about my mother that she is an ignorant, arrogant , hypocritical and basically rude as K is. Then as we talked about my mother I said " if its not her way it's no way" it's this same as I say about K , she makes me act the way I would with my mother. Although she is not my mother, she is some strange person who picks on me without a reason, so I will have to learn how to confront her. This will be very hard to do though , as she makes me feel like there is no point of talking to her as she doesn't listen , so does my mother. I am unsure if that is the reason but I am about to find out , and hopefully it will be sooner than later.
I didn't went to work today as I feel so low in mood , I wouldn't be able to work with K today , I think. And for most of my shift she would be there , I feel like I can not see her at all today. I feel down and kind of numb, I cried already and harm myself again which I haven't done for quiet some time. I looked at myself in the mirror and was verbally abusive towards myself - why? I don't understand my behaviour but I think that A is helping me a lot to understand what my life is about , and why do I act in such strange ways at times . Although after yesterday's session I'm feeling so low, and in so much mental pain that I can not even describe.  We talked about my father as well as I mentioned that my store manager makes me feel comfortable and assured , when he is there there are no problems. I feel confident around him, and I am always there if he needs help. When I feel like he is upset or angry about something I will avoid him, but I haven't got the hurt feelings, the next day is always better. Now he is on holidays and I know deep down that I would go to work today if he would be there. But he isn't. As A said I am a professional person and like to be clever, she made me think why I really dislike word" stupid" as always when is mentioned I got upset or loose my confidence. I want to bee seen as smart, clever and professional , and I am very proud of my achievements. Which is a truth , I am proud and I like to be clever. I am very protective over D , my son and I really want him to know that I love him the most in the whole world. And that he is my motor, and the person who still keeps me together. I wish as well that I could speak to my husband like before about everything, as now we really talk about stuff. Before we couldn't stay quiet, where now even though we both are home we don't talk to each other. This makes me feel bad, as sometimes he wants to talk and I am just dismissing him for no reason or I am not interested in the subject. But now I feel like I owe him just because we are not talking , we could loose each other. And that is the reality.

Making a conclusion , I hate my mother , K remained me  of her although she isn't my mother and I have to learn to realise that. As she will take an advantage of me constantly which isn't good, and makes me unhappy .

so here I am

I went to see Amanda on Tuesday. This felt awkward as I entered the new room, and sat down in small couch opposite her. The ticking clock, made me anxious . I feel like I am surrounded by the quietness and ticking clocks. Amanda tried to ask me how I am , and I said I am fine, I just hate the quiet. She asked me why , because it made me uncomfortable and anxious. She asked me how I know that I am anxious, at one point, and I told her that it is a funny feeling in my stomach and it isn't fully uncomfortable- it's alright. I have sweaty and at times shaky hands with my heart pounding, short breath or feeling like I am unable to breath, at times when anxiety is overwhelming I have that feeling of a bump growing in my throat making it painful and very uncomfortable - the feeling makes me feel like I choke, and I can not stop it no matter what.

 I told her that I am a lucky person and I do achieve what I want always, she didn't quite understand what I meant and so I explained. When our pet was in urgent need of a vet and when I couldn't afford the treatment the vet offered us reduced charge. What I mean is instead of paying £800 we paid £100, and that is why we still have our pets with us, as the only other option was to put him down. Amazing , huh? The other thing was our flat I really wanted to have my own place in the world , and here I am having a council flat which was fully renovated with new fitted kitchen and bathroom. Nice right?

So Amanda said that it is actually like something there is watching over us- over my family. Which is great, if I only could sort out my head , that will be perfect. We spoke about my mother, very sensitive subject for me , I really got upset speaking about it. I had feelings of anger and sadness and frustration and self pity - when talking about my mother.

This was a second time I meet with Amanda and the second time she mentioned that I am a passionate person and I am open and honest. Which made me feel really good about myself, as no matter how bad my head is I have still somehow control over who I want to be.

I told her as well that I don't know who I want to be, and I am still confused. She told me that this isn't that it is about finding out who I am and working on it. But here is the thing I don't know who I want to be - and it is not I want to be a Marlin Monroe or Jessica Alba . It is about the boredom , that I haven't got any passion really, no hobby. It is all about how I see the future - Actually not seeing the future, as I don't know who , why, for what reason I want to be. I still have at the back of my head that I have a lovely 5 year old who needs my support and guidance3, and if I am confused in relation to my future how possibly I can guide another human being? How I can make him a passionate young person who will have a purpose in life? I am about to find out if I am able to find my way in life, which will be a great achievement.

meeting Amanda

So, last Wednesday I had seen my counsellor, her name is Amanda. I thought I will be more obstructive with me giving away all the things I wanted to say. But it was all right, it felt right and comfortable. I haven't been fully open but it is understandable, it was my first session. She listened. Which was grate and made me feel peaceful, talking about things made me jump up and down with emotions. I was angry, frustrated, calm, comfortable, sad, and any other related feeling passed through at that time.So Amanda it is :)
I will keep a diary if I could find a time about the sessions as it is always good to go back and have a look at things we said and discuss.

Other thing is that I lost 2.5 stone, which makes me feel good and comfortable. I still binge and purge, but not as much as before. Although I had been taking senecol at times and I drink oolong tea, I am wondering if that helps. What I realised, I eat what I want but I have 2-3 days a week with very reduced calories intake and this makes me loose weight. I have a chocolate bar, or a cheesecake or a pizza - like today , with dips and I still loose weight within a week I think I loose average a 1kg a week which is all right. I'm happy, as the lost weight I'm keeping off so there is no yoyo effect which is brilliant.

I need to loose another stone till Christmas, so I might be able to reduce the calories intake  until 20th December as then we are going away. It will be great if I can keep it up.

I still get very angry and frustrated , like today when I punch the wall and my hand hurts now and it's bruised. I only wanted a bit "me" time, but of course no one else thought it was a good idea. I just wanted a bit of lay down , but my man and my mother decided that they all need to talk to me!!!! Frustrating , like this couldn't wait. WTF , why no one understand my frustration and then when I shout everyone is asking why the hell I shout! Daa, because no one is listening, what the hell is wrong with all of them. I don't  expect much,only a bit of understanding that sometimes I need time to myself?!

My dreams are still affecting my life, I think a lot depend on them , my mood the people I meet. Like tonight I dreamed about my cousin and she wrote a message on fb to ask me How are things. Weird, as she hasn't tried to communicate for the passed year. Is it a coincidence? I do believe that my dreams mean something more than just a dream.

I will leave now , but promise to come back soon xoxo