random thoughts and my personal hell

I want to tell you about my thoughts, I am afraid recently and I quiet don't undorstand that at all. I feel like my life is somehow coming to the end , is it just my mind playing? I am frighten that the world is coming to the end, weird right? I am unsettled and anxious, I think a lot and I am frighten about everythink. How come I did get to that stage? I am feeling kind a lost in the world of my self. I am thinking what the hell had happend or what is going to happened in the near future.

Today I had a nap at the afternoon due to the bad cold I'm having and I had that dream about work. This was a strangest dream I had in weeks.
I was at work and there was my hr manager from the previous store I worked for, and I hate her. I spoke to one of the colleagues and ask, why she was in our store, and she told me that S our store manager had brought her over to work in our store. What the hell I thought, I was very upset and I wanted to talk to S about it , but the coinsidence wanted her to be around and S asked me what I want to talk about and she answered him, withought giving me a chance to speak to him myself, that this is probably about The HR course I am currently studying. I didn't say anything I just thought , you fucking bitch u know nothing and you speak on my behalf in my presence. I felt degraded as I felt in the other stor with her around. I just can not bear in mind the thought that she will, by any chance working with us! Any way there was that moment with water and drifting house, It looks like floating house which can be standing on the ground as well as floating on the water. This freaks me out as how the hell the house can float?! Besides it is often in my dreams that the house is floating on the water, and what the hell does it mean? I just relaised today that this is a common dream the floating house, and today in this dream I had been talking to the person who wanted to buy the house and I refuse to sell it. And there was a fire, I had seen from the distance the tree in fire and a lot of fire engines going that way, and I felt uncomfortable and weird. And the atmosphere was weird it was dark and it felt lonely and empty.

I feel just sad about all that it gives e goose bumps, and makes me tired even thinking about it.
xoxo

anxiety and stomach cramps

Today was the day where I didn't know what was really happening. I was trying to stay focus but I was unable to. I started cleaning today at the afternoon and it made me so vicious, I was keeping my self tight and didn't had a blow up. So no one had suffered , but what the hell it is for me to hold it back. I was shaking inside like this other me wanted to come out. I was in a state when I thought of banging my head of the wall, to stop the urgency and thoughts of tearing everything apart. I don't undorstand myself and I don't know what cause it, what I know is that I hate to be in this state, as I can hurt people around me and myself. I thought of self harm as well but I was unable to do it, because my hubby planned a sexy night. So cuts are out of order today. But I make myself sick, just eat and eat and eat and then throw, everything, up down the drain. I feel so angry like I would expload in a rage. I still keep myself calm outside, I feel like this massive ball is growing in my throught making me feel pain - it is difficult to describe . I wish I could be easy going and so chilled out but I am not, I an unsettled and unhappy, with my head full of annoying random thoughts.
Now I am worried as well as I am in such a debit, when and how will I pay it of? That question is stuck in my head , but this didn't stop me from buying new shooes for my boy today. It is pathetic, as I know it is bad to spend money you haven't got and then spending them any way and getting in to more debit. I am angry on myself because of that as well. Crap, just stop, don't think, relax, I am tired. Phisically I feel ok, but mentally drained and annoyed by the fact that I am unable to help myself, and that I haven't got the power over that stupid things in my life.

Those random thoughts are annoying as well, because I don't give them enough attention , but some of them are really good. I am forgetting them and I am trying to remind myself what was that I thought of, as it was such a good idea, and I can not remember and this makes me so frustrated I feel dumb.

I really want to cut , to feel the pain as the mental pain is so bad.
xoxo

Sick and tired of Myself

I feel anxious and unsettled. I feel overloaded and completly miserable at times. I am tired and my mind doesn't work clearly , I can't think clearly. I have those milions of racing thoughts I am all confused and disturbed at times. I am feeling angry , every single thing is annoying no mater how big or small. I just feel hopeless and fed up with all the crap around me. I spend around 3000 pounds within last month justto feed the need of buying. I throw a lot of food, because it get expired. I buy too much as for our small family. I had spend 225 pounds on a handbag, really nice and green. Positive colour , right. The pity is the price of it. The money I haven't got. It is just bloody crazy, what the hell , why this is happening to me?! Over spending , binge , not eating, anger, confusion, sadness, mental pain, tiredness, unable to sleep. I think I am overworked - job, college, family commitment, volunteering, and now there is no time for the gym although I am singned up. I might be able to go tomorrow, let see. I just wish the confusion would go away and my mind will be very clear, that is what I want now.

I feel that I can not concentrate at all my thougts change so much. I am having a difficulty to do anything, even shopping as I am forgetting what I have to buy. If I dont do the thing I am thinking of, immidiately, I would forget it, and I try to remind myself what was that I wanted to do and I simply can't. Like I am planning to buy certian groceries and when I am in the store I would buy so many items which are not needed, and forget the one I really want.

I feel just tired.
xoxo

And so the life goes on

I haven't mentioned before but my parents were staying over with us for a bit. They came over for a holidays which they hardly can afford. I loved that my dad had come , I was really glad that he finally visited my home. They live in the other country and arent ritch enough to come and visit every so often. My mother stayed for like 5 weeks and my dad for 2. It was alright we went for a boat trip down the Thames and visited the one of British Palaces and the gardens, we went out a few times and done some shopping. Thanks to that we are in serious debt right now. But this is due to me I can not stop, I am spending money for silly things where I should save money for colleage and the christmass trip home. But I simply can not control this overwelming urge to spend the money I haven't got.

It was alright when my parents were here, my mother as usual annoying terribly at tyimes. She knows best ! She guide us how to rais our boy, damn you woman! She was the worsed mother possible , very angry and challenging , degrading me for the life I remember making me feel tiny as a mouse. I hated her and I hate her now for things she is saying that she never smack me or my brother bottom - lie. I remember very well her grabing the extention cord and smacking me with it whenever on my body . I had such a big purple marks on my legs, bottom and back. I hate when she saying what a perfect parent she was. Bull shit!
It makes me very angry when thinking about it, on the other side I know I don't want to be like she was . I want my child to love me and respect me as a parent. I do expect a lot from him but as well I am a believer and I know that there in life is always a time to develop and learn . I am trying to be undorstanding and love him as he is.

The other thing which bothers me at the moment is that I have to take a loan for my study, and write 3 assessments and I have 4 points to reffer from my previous work. Damn you college , but without it I won't achieve the standard of life I want for myself and my family.

I as well have seen a consellor and I hope they will call me back saying that yes I will have consuelling service. I know I need it to talk to someone to find out where there is an issue in me.

xoxo

I am still here

I know I haven't been on the blog for some time now. I am just so extremely busy. I am going to the gym at least 5 times a week doing something about my weight and I lost 9kg which is alright for the period of 6-7 weeks. I still binge and I will make myself sick to rid of it . But I am calmer more than before, although I didn't have much time so I didn't renew my prescriptions and honestly I miss my dose of fluoxetine. I feel eager at times and so angry at myself . I still cut my legs and I am tired of my life at times. I have these visions like I would stab myself with a knife or anything else just to hurt myself as I feel so much pain inside. I want to be a better mum for my child and it makes me upset when he doesn't listen to me nither do what I ask him to do. But there is my fault in that as well as if there wasn't he wouldn't do it and he would obey whatever I ask of him.

I started counselling last Monday and I am just waiting for their call to say when my sessions can start , so CBT wasn't for me as I had found out that first I need to know the roots of my problem and then I can take some steps to deal with that. The person who assessed me first - on Monday was so nice- I FEEL LIKE THIS IS IT .  I feel like this is the right way to go for me. I didn't feel that with the Right Steps so now I feel like I am doing the right thing. 

I am still confused about everything and I need a bit of time to myself but this can wait , I like that I am so occupied and this makes me feel good . I am tired but this is good this eats my energy and I am more in control.

I will try to update more , I hope it will work .

xoxo