CBT

So I had received a call today fro the Right Steps. The person name Jovana called to book an assessment appointment for me next tuesday. I got the feeling that I don't like her, I don't know why but she was kind a strange and I disliked her accent. Weird, as I'm not that kind of a person who doesn't like people before I meet them and before they are able to show me their real personality. That was strange for me.

On the other hand I trust my gut feeling and maybe I am right for disliking this woman , I don't really know if she is a psychologist or just a trained person to help people deal with their lives. I suppose to have CBT - COGNITIVE BEHAVIOURAL THERAPHY so I think she might be a psychologist. I am already thinking of asking them to change her for someone else. I hope I will change my opinion the minute I see her, and she will be a great therapist and she will be really able to help me. I am finally happy , and just need the way to be constantly that way.

I rage for no reason , I snap in the second, I am aggressive towards the ones I love the most. I hurt people who are closest to me, and I don't do that with other people with whom I'm not bonded at all or bonded by the job. I am scared that they won't like me and then I will be alone and I will be not needed and worthless back again, and I don't want that. I think I am frightened to be a loner on the other side I don't like when people are coming over without letting me know in advance. I don't really have a personal social life, I have a few friends with whom I meet from time to time but not too often. I prefer to spend my free time doing any other stuff, I would clean , go shopping, take my son to the playground or anywhere else and do things I can do on my own, or sleep, read, write, doing all very unsociable things. Why?

How can I be so different?

At work I am everyones friend, I am patient, reliable, honest, communicative, but at home I am kind a dissociate. I avoid my few friends I have, at times, I want to call someone but at the end I don't. I can call my family and I rarely do that. The only person who I call is my husband, sometimes I will call a friend, but this is like once a month. I don't enjoy a phone call, and I do not really like to talk to people over the phone. 

At work I am so organised and at home I can not find a way to organise myself, although I am trying my best. Sometimes I can pull it all together and organise my day well , I do a few things at this same time and that's my problem. I don't find things difficult I learn quickly and I think I am clever, when people show me how to do things once I will do it myself easily. 

I wonder sometimes what is wrong with me, if I have any of the mental disabilities or it is just my imagination. If I'm causing it myself on purpose, that's kind of a thought I have when I feel down and when I harm myself, when after rage comes the point of feeling guilty and when I cry for no reason or I am so angry that I hurt the closest people to me. I blame myself for other peoples' problems, and I won't ever be good enough, even when I feel happy. 

A lot of unanswered questions in my mind, and I wonder if Jovana will be able to help me solve it. What will be my experience with CBT and if I can commit to the therapy.

Let see what time will bring.

xoxo

My work - transfer

 

I finally feel very happy at work, this is the place I was looking for, I think. I'm excited to be there and colleagues and management are people with heart and brain - where in my previous job colleagues and management was lacking that skills, abilities and being a person. That's why I hated it I was constantly depressed and so unhappy. I wanted to leave work asap, and didn't even bother to be there on time or to be there at all. I found so many different excuses, just not to go to work. I got physically sick and I self harm more often, even being at work , I cut to release this pain inside me which was so overwhelming and took over me for hours. I felt such a relief going home, but I felt so tired as well, that after coming home I didn't have an energy to do anything else.

 I am now in a happy place where people, at least now treating me like another person who actually have the feelings. I get "thank you" for even the smallest thing done or even sometimes for doing my job. This is great and I feel overwhelmed with happiness, I am very hyper at work, even when at home I feel a bit tired. I'm constantly doing something and I can not do nothing. I will do other jobs unrelated to my job description just because I want to do them and because I am happy doing them.



The other thing is that I am scared, I am afraid that this could end and I won't be able to cope with that. I am afraid that people start to treat me badly, and that this trust will be broken, that they will start to take advantage of me and that I will be feeling the same way as before. I don't want to think about it a lot, because I feel happy and I trust that nothing bad will happened, but on the other side if it does. What will I do ? How I will react? Will I be able to get another job? Will I trust people? So many questions, and I don't really know what to do or think, for the moment I may concentrate on being happy as I haven't felt that way for a long time.



People at work are kind and respectful, they have their up's and down's but I feel included in their work life. They are not gossiping as much as in my other job, a lot of people are quiet, but if you ask them personal questions they feel comfortable enough to answer you fully, and I feel the answer is honest. They will offer help before you ask them, which is so rare. There are people who don't want to do much, they are a bit lazy and need encouragement and a bit of a push, but they will do whatever we ask them to do, without questioning. So that's alright, isn't it?

How many people are really happy in their work, I feel lucky to find myself in such a pleasant environment .

I just love it, at least for now, and it has been 4 weeks that I'm there now.



Glad to be transferred. At my job I have passion, happiness, distraction from my daily needs to hurt myself, respect, apriciation. Love it :)

deja vu

Have you had that kind of a dream which feels so real and then in future it occurs from nowhere ? Deja vu is stalking me for life. One particular dream stuck in my memory , It was when I still lived in my country, way before I came to the UK. I dreamed about a house it was really pretty with the white fence, I remember telling that dream to my boyfriend , saying that it felt so real and that I cannot possibly imagine how could I live in such a house. The build on that property was completely different then the one build in my country. Then adding to that the fence and the environment were so weird. When I came to UK we were looking for a place to live in and we were passing by THAT house, and strangely I remembered the house from my dream.
 I often dream of things which are happening later in life , the amazing part is that the moment I realised I had dreamed of that the rest of the situation changes completely. Even if it started as in my dream it doesn't finish like that.
 Deja vu I honestly think that we had previous life cos how possibly we could dream about things we don't know or never seen?

so my doc told me to go on diet

I feel exhausted physically and mentally drained, I went to see my doc on Monday and told him how I feel and that my mind doesn't help me much and that I am freaking out as I'm trying to lose weight and not loosing anything. So I had asked him for an orlistad as it helped me before, he said because I'm binging and purging, in his opinion I have bulimia, and the medication won't help here . He told me to walk every day and signed up with the nurse who is helping people to lose weight. So I booked appointment with her , although I didn't go to that appointment, as I know no one is able to make me go on a diet. This has to come from me and that's why I know if I won't set my mind myself no one is able to help me with that. I had started to walk though, but I am so curious for how long, as I got bored very easily and taking the bus to work is the lazy solution for me. And even when I am bored it is just the thing to do, if I want to or not. Taking into consideration my moods and how bored I can become, I don't think going on a diet will help me much, as I know I need to commit and I'm afraid of commitment. I had committed to 3 main things at the moment and cannot take more as I know , or I'm afraid that I won't be able to do that.

I'm committed to my job, to the voluntary job I will be doing from next week and obviously to my family, mainly needs of my son, as he is the most important person in my life.

My doc said that my medication can not cause my tiredness or insomnia at times , but I don't want to believe that. I know some people who read this blog have more experience with the medication they are taking than he does. I havent written that I had a really weird feeling one day at work , I felt like my world is spinning it wasn't dizziness though, it felt like I see everything from the point of view of someone who is watching everything from a different perspective. It felt like in a dream you see everything around you, you hear people and you talk to them but it's not like you are there. I felt very weird, It is very hard to describe, it lasted for 30 minutes or more and then it's gone away without a trace. I felt like I wasn't at work, I felt like I am observing others from a different perspective, from different world. Very strange. I told the doc about it and he said, because it was a first time then he won't do anything about it and he doesn't know why this had happened , but when I asked him if it was maybe my medication he dismissed my idea. Oh well I think that they really doesn't know much about it do they? As a GP they arent wello trained in particular subject the know genneraly what med to give people and are afraid t diagnose enything. Even with sore throat they will give you an antibiotic and say that you have a chest infection without even telling you where exactly, like bronchitis or pneumonia or whatever.

So thinking how tired I am at times or the sleeplessness or oversleeping , binge eating, purging, not eating, working long days, cleaning or not cleaning at all, and being terribly bored with everything, mood swings and overwhelming sadness, self harm, self abuse, lacking energy and very hyper at times, avoiding people and wanting the company of others . So all that plus college, job, family and lack of interest in doing things makes me wonder how I suppose to concentrate on dieting? It isn't easy as my doc thinks it is. That's not something as easy as writing an essay, Hmmm, just feeling trapped and hopeless. If I could only stop eating completely then I will lose some weight, but how to convince myself? As even when I don't eat during the day I will wake up at night and eat whatever is easy and available, so being half asleep and eating doesn't work when you want to lose weight. How useless.

another dream

How to explain that?I just dreamed today about a man and a woman who actually were running a sex business, I was working for them. I had met man for sex and they paid for it. When I woke up I felt this urgency to cut and abuse myself again. I just couldn't take these thoughts out of my mind, I had to punish myself . I did cut and hurt myself today as I needed to release this strange need of doing it. I don't remember the exact situation in this dream but I know I was one of many other woman there and I wasn't even physically satisfied I was doing it for man satisfaction for them to be fulfilled. There is something there I think , my dreams have a huge impact on my day to day life. I could wake up really tired and bored or very hyper and unable to do one thing at a time. Actually I never do one thing at a time I start many things at this same time and then set myself to finish all of them. It is like setting myself a target. This Sunday I woke up and started to tidy up a bit , when my hubby woke up an idea popped in my mind to do a bit of refurbishment. So I moved all furnitures in our bedroom by myself as I don't like others to interfere with the things I am doing. But all the time my dreams take over of my behavior through the day. I feel generally happy, If I can call that happiness. I am bored doing all that regular stuff and need challenges to keep me going, so I find myself a new task to fulfill and then after achieving it I feel somehow proud of myself but then another target needs to be set for me to work on as if I do this same thing every day it just slowly killing me. I loose interest in doing things that is why I haven't got a hobby probably, I change my job, I don't cook and meet with people often. I even sometimes think if I love my husband, as we don't talk much and I don't tell him about my worries and thoughts. That's strange but on the other hand there is no challenge here, he is my husband so we are bonded and even sometimes I think if he will cheat on me what will I do? Will I be hurt and upset or if it will change our relationship a bit and I will be more passionate and try to win him every time. It didn't happen yet so it is difficult to think about. Or maybe it happened and I am not aware of that , either way I don't know.

So because of that dream I feel like I want to go and cheat on him, just to fulfill everything what is in my mind. I know it is not good to feel that way but honestly I feel like this is what I need and want now.

19/07

Feeling angry and frustrated , the job is fine, but personal life is getting worse just because my mother in law. She got into a huge debit, her whole life she couldn't manage the money , she constantly needed support of others. When my husband, then boyfriend got some job and earned some money she always had the most of it. He had 2 younger brothers , it is like 15 years difference between them, and she always had a way of taking those money of him. They needed for heating, or gas, or electricity or food, so basically I had never really been on a date with him . Because he never had the money as everything almost was going towards the expenses for a house and living and she never worked. It is upsetting me because she is in such a trouble that they wanted to auction their house. How possibly she could allow for this to happen?! I had given her the amount she needs to pay back, I give her a conditions as well , I want her to sell the house, because she cannot afford it and buy something smaller and within her budget. The other thing is she has to tell everything to her boyfriend, who lives with her for last 13 years, how it is possible not to communicate?! The third condition is when she will sell the house and buy a new one, she has to open an account for our son and put some money there for his future. She promised to do that, and I now will have to postpone my study as I can not afford them now, how bad, never mind. I need to change the job to get paid more than now so I could afford the school and expenses. It makes me so angry.




I am taking a lot of overtime to earn more money as we ourself are in debits and need to go to straight as soon as possible. My husband is taking a part time job and I hope it will work out for us somehow. It's good that I can work now more hours and that I actually enjoy my job, so any available hours are alright for me.

I feel very tired recently, and I would sleep constantly if I could, I feel exhausted like there is not much energy left in me. I think about sleep and how I would love to cuddle my pillow and snuggle up under the duvet. I haven't taken propranolol today , just because yesterday I felt like fainting. It made me feel very fragile and I didn't understand why I felt so week, it is like a kind of panic attack but without shaky hands and pounding heart. My world decided to spin around for few hours, and I felt very unsteady on my feet.

But I am planning to take my tablets tomorrow as I should, I am giving myself a break today but let see tomorrow how it goes.

I still have a nightmare, dreams which make me frightened and suspicious, where I can remember that it was a dream but inside me I am so unsettled. I don't know how to stop it, and back again have a nice dreams.

It is 21.30 and I am physically exhausted so I am off to bed to cuddle my pillow xoxo

feeling better

I had moved to the other store , still working for this same company though. I feel like my life escapes through my fingers, I still don't feel like I'm fully living my life it is so bizarre. I wish it could be different, so still looking for work. Lately I feel much better , my moods are kind a stable, and I don't get angry as much actually at all. I think I'm getting better feels like recovery, I had a period of time that I couldn't sleep , now I have the thing that I would sleep constantly. For the whole of my life I had a light sleep, I could wake up when I heard something and now I just sleep through the night and even alarm clock won't wake me up!




I feel tense like there is something inside me and it want to escape and it can't, I feel and hear the screaming in my head. I can not really describe that and it feels so weird. It is like small me in my head screaming, shouting and want to escape from my head. On the outside I am calm and patient, without those moments of uncontrollable anger and frustration. I get upset, yes, but I manage to control this behavior and not letting it control me which is good.

I still have those persistent thoughts of self harm , I still cut my legs, even if I will postpone it - I usually clean , tidy up or try to do other things so I won't self harm - I will do it anyway. It makes me upset because my son can see it and will ask what happened and I just feel so bad for lying to him, I try to wear something so he won't see it. But if he is joining me in the morning when I'm still asleep, and when my hubby goes to work, he is able to see it. This makes me sad but on the other hand it is like air for me - I need it, I need a cut and pain, I need to harm myself - didn't figure it out why yet, but I feel like this is needed for my existence, that's just sad. I really want to cut my arms and somehow I still manage not to do that, but it is so tempting , and because of that I cut my legs as well just not to do it on my arms. I don't want my scars and cuts to be visible to others although I have a few cuts here and there on my arms and wrist but It's very random and I don't think anyone would think that those cuts or scars were made by me. Maybe only those on my wrist but here you have to get a closer look on that to see it. I use sudocream whenever I cut, for my scars not to be visible as much and apple vinegar to make them lighter. So I take care of them, I just wish I could stop making them. That would be great.




I am playing my other role now, as I'm working in new store I have to blend in. It will be hard but I already feel at home, how strange, in the previous store I worked for almost 2 years and haven't felt accepted. Here just a couple of days and it feels so nice. I'm so different and so similar to the old me. I think I need to be different whatever suit me and others.