so my doc told me to go on diet

I feel exhausted physically and mentally drained, I went to see my doc on Monday and told him how I feel and that my mind doesn't help me much and that I am freaking out as I'm trying to lose weight and not loosing anything. So I had asked him for an orlistad as it helped me before, he said because I'm binging and purging, in his opinion I have bulimia, and the medication won't help here . He told me to walk every day and signed up with the nurse who is helping people to lose weight. So I booked appointment with her , although I didn't go to that appointment, as I know no one is able to make me go on a diet. This has to come from me and that's why I know if I won't set my mind myself no one is able to help me with that. I had started to walk though, but I am so curious for how long, as I got bored very easily and taking the bus to work is the lazy solution for me. And even when I am bored it is just the thing to do, if I want to or not. Taking into consideration my moods and how bored I can become, I don't think going on a diet will help me much, as I know I need to commit and I'm afraid of commitment. I had committed to 3 main things at the moment and cannot take more as I know , or I'm afraid that I won't be able to do that.

I'm committed to my job, to the voluntary job I will be doing from next week and obviously to my family, mainly needs of my son, as he is the most important person in my life.

My doc said that my medication can not cause my tiredness or insomnia at times , but I don't want to believe that. I know some people who read this blog have more experience with the medication they are taking than he does. I havent written that I had a really weird feeling one day at work , I felt like my world is spinning it wasn't dizziness though, it felt like I see everything from the point of view of someone who is watching everything from a different perspective. It felt like in a dream you see everything around you, you hear people and you talk to them but it's not like you are there. I felt very weird, It is very hard to describe, it lasted for 30 minutes or more and then it's gone away without a trace. I felt like I wasn't at work, I felt like I am observing others from a different perspective, from different world. Very strange. I told the doc about it and he said, because it was a first time then he won't do anything about it and he doesn't know why this had happened , but when I asked him if it was maybe my medication he dismissed my idea. Oh well I think that they really doesn't know much about it do they? As a GP they arent wello trained in particular subject the know genneraly what med to give people and are afraid t diagnose enything. Even with sore throat they will give you an antibiotic and say that you have a chest infection without even telling you where exactly, like bronchitis or pneumonia or whatever.

So thinking how tired I am at times or the sleeplessness or oversleeping , binge eating, purging, not eating, working long days, cleaning or not cleaning at all, and being terribly bored with everything, mood swings and overwhelming sadness, self harm, self abuse, lacking energy and very hyper at times, avoiding people and wanting the company of others . So all that plus college, job, family and lack of interest in doing things makes me wonder how I suppose to concentrate on dieting? It isn't easy as my doc thinks it is. That's not something as easy as writing an essay, Hmmm, just feeling trapped and hopeless. If I could only stop eating completely then I will lose some weight, but how to convince myself? As even when I don't eat during the day I will wake up at night and eat whatever is easy and available, so being half asleep and eating doesn't work when you want to lose weight. How useless.