mother

Mother , a role model for every girl – not mine. Poor ability to talk and explain things, very bad person in my life, very controlling and not showing her love at all. She will beat me up with the first available thing she could find – wire cable , leather belt, dog lead. II had marks all over my body, going to school and pretending that I was sick not to take sport classes. My mother will say how ashamed I should be because of those marks, I felt bad because she beats me up and she was bullying me saying that whoever will see those marks will know how bad I am. That I remember very clearly , beaten up, shouting, hitting, humiliation, embarrassment, controlling. I have never been good enough.

She would wake me up in the middle of the night and make me to rewrite whole subjects from classes as my writing wasn’t good enough, shouting, beating, humiliating. I don’t picture my father there I remember that he was working during the night, it might be that he was at work when she had this raging outburst. Anyway there were times I wished my father will divorce her and I will have a nice and kind stepmother who will love me.

 I wanted to commit suicide because of her , she was driving me crazy, completely mad.

 One day I came home late from a party, she was waiting for me shouting that she is just waiting when I will come home and say – yea look I’m ready , showing me gestures of heavily pregnant women. I said that I am to smart for that and then she started to abuse me calling me names and all that , I couldn’t handle it and grabbed a small veg knife and put it to my wrist , then she grabbed the knife off my hand saying that I am stupid and so on. I cried for half of the night and thought I’m 17 and she is still treating me like a shit. The other time she was shouting that I won't be able to get pregnant because I fucking sterilized. It’s just driving me nuts, thinking about all that .