my life

I am a 31 years old woman , with a family , I have a son and a husband. Just to mention English is not my first language so excuse my writing skills. I am not like most people, I always knew that there is something wrong with me, I just didn't know what. I have NEVER been diagnosed with any type of personality disorder and this blog is just about me and my feelings , I want to share my story, I will try to be honest as much as I can, though it's hard sometimes to write or say about the situations which are humiliating. I will write about my life and experience I have, about the NHS and depression which I struggle with at the moment and my new friend FLUOXETINE ! 

Why I think I have a personality disorder

As we all know personality disorder is the hardest to handle, as you live with that for the whole of your life. It is something what was there from as long as you can remember. Thinking of my past I see a lonely lost young person who didn't know where to turn and what to do with life- I still don’t know what I want to do in life . How to cope with my feelings and emotions. I suffered always from a low and changing mood, from excitement and happiness to fury and anger as long as I can remember. I have been told I was  a tantrum child- demanding, angry , sad I have thrown myself on the floor and bang my head on purpose, because I have been refused something or I was just angry. As a teenager and young adult things will include random sex, alcohol abuse, rejecting people around me, wanting to be the best, wanted to be loved, hating myself for being a weak person - having feelings.  I always was putting my "happy face" mask and I wasn’t learning from mistakes - I let people use me, being ambitious but not achieving the highest level of my expectations, being a loner but wanted to be surrounded with people. I often steal from my family and I always hate my mother. There were times I tried to commit suicide, binge eating, starving,  having too many thoughts racing in my head, having a very high sex drive, punishing myself with abusive thoughts - calling myself names and giving directions what to do. I found a way to cope with extreme of my emotions - working as a prostitute, as well when I was feeling low I had sex with way older men (amazingly I had a tendency to meet them always on my way) - the biggest age difference was 40years , he could be my grandfather. Exercising until my muscles will shake from the pain, or run like a crazy to deal with my feelings. There was nothing which could frighten me beside people, they make me feel used and angry, they don't appreciate my commitment and effort I put into doing things for them. Through the day I can be very calm and pleasant, generally happy, then I can have moments of worry and anxiousness, become angry and frustrated , sad and feeling worthless, feelings of numbness and emptiness. During the days when I cannot cope I will abuse myself – mostly sexually . I will tight my breast until they will go purple and spank them with anything I have available, squeeze them – although I will do my best not to leave visible marks (husband can get suspicious). I will squeeze my nipples so hard that I will cry, I will pull them and turn them and put metal curtain clips on them just to feel the physical pain. During this I can scream from the pain as it hurts me so much, even so I will still do it. I  will insert objects into my vagina, but nothing like I was reading about- no hot hair straighteners, no sharp objects, nothing which could make my vagina bleed heavily. My basic tools include different types of bottles which are big and insertion hurts, different shapes of bottles, always oversized which will definitely cause physical pain, but won't cause much harm. I think the worst times I will have a slightly bleeding. The other way of making myself feel pain is hurting myself usually hitting in the head or in the face, with a fist. Other things I would use are shoes and slippers. Not to make it visible, I will cover my head with some sort of clothing or a towel. After that I feel at peace, sadly not for long the pain is coming back again and I do it all again. To be honest in moments of satisfaction and if something will go really well I will do this same thing, I will self harm and I cannot understand any of this. This behaviours contradict so much. That's the basic about me.