31/03/12

Today was a good day J No mood swings which is good , concentrated on cleaning for the whole day. I had a break, took my son and a ferret for a walk , we went out for an hour around the block that was lovely, although the weather wasn’t that good today. Hubby stayed at home cleaning, nice.

I felt tired in the morning, just felt like going back to sleep, coffee and cigarette didn’t make me feel better. I am on antibiotics so it might be the reason, I am just unwell. And the striking idea comes to my mind – general cleaning – make it happen. I felt an urgent need to lay down around 5 ish, so I did but couldn’t fall asleep, many thoughts just racing in my head. That was hardest today, anyway quiet boring day. I wish I could have more days like today.

GP visits

I went to my GP in the beginning of February to find out if they will be able to help. This was the very hard step to take as I was always thinking that I can handle my life. Until I reached the breaking point because of my work. No training, no 1 2 1 with my manager, no targets, no nothing,  numbness, singleout, alienated , discriminated, they asked me to step down from the position I was on,  I hate my job. So I felt very low in mood, had no energy, I was having sweaty hands, heart palpitations, stomach cramps, headaches every single day, I could sleep for the whole day. Finally after few months of going deeper and deeper into depression I realised that it's time to call for help. I had visited my GP and it was not that bad, he kindly offered me time off work to settle my thoughts and put myself together. I refused, he referred me to support group in my area. I received a letter within the next 5 days with tests attached to  it and asking to call to book a telephone assessment. So I did, and had telephoned interview booked for 29th march, yes great service when you are in need. Anyway I had a week off -holiday, stayed at home relaxed a little and gone back to work, then on 21st march got quite upset with management and realised that I definitely need a time off. Called my surgery to see this same doctor but he wasn't available till the next week. So I have chosen to see another doctor. She decided to give me  fluoxetine and sign me off for a week, asking me to come back the following week just to discuss how I feel. So I have booked an appointment straight away when I left the cabinet. How angry I was to learn  1. I came for the appointment which they have written for me at 8.20 and I have been told at 8.45 that my appointment is at 8.50, I have been told by the nice receptionist that the doctor will see me next, 9.10 I went to the reception again asking what is going on and have been told that the doctor is running late < I was fuming from anger> 2. Doctor I had seen today is not a doctor which I saw last week ! Although I specifically ask for this same doctor!Soo didn’t discuss anything with her, waste of time , more angry 3. Went to the reception to book another appointment with the doctor I have seen last week and being told that this doctor is no longer with the surgery, so I asked for my previous doctor , unfortunately he is on holiday for 2 weeks and after the holiday he is retiring, what the hell?! So I have an appointment with the young lady I have seen today and I will have to AGAIN explain what is going on in my life. Frustrating , and how can you trust those people if the practitioners are not staying with the surgeryand you see other doctor every week?

My assessment over the phone yesterday was very bad, the most annoying thing was that after almost every question the lady who was doing the assessment said "thank you, thank you for sharing that with me " in such a feelingless way it make me angry, then there was a question regarding self harm so I mentioned bing eating, she asks me if there was anything else so I said yes, but I don't want to say what it is as I'm not ready to share that information. So she was persistent saying in this motionless tone that they won't share that information with anyone , so I told her that I hit myself, she asked me why I am doing that, so I said to feel the pain , her answer was that she will write that I am masochists! I asked her why , and she said because I get the pleasure from hurting myself. Yes the satisfaction of feeling anything else then emotional pain is way better, you can smooth it , you cant smooth your emotional pain. It's pretty annoying that you can misunderstand that , as when I read the description of masochism it saying that you get the pleasure from hurting yourself, which is nothing like that with me. I feel a terrible pain when self harming and I cry and I suffered and I still do it, so where there is masochism I don't know.

mother

Mother , a role model for every girl – not mine. Poor ability to talk and explain things, very bad person in my life, very controlling and not showing her love at all. She will beat me up with the first available thing she could find – wire cable , leather belt, dog lead. II had marks all over my body, going to school and pretending that I was sick not to take sport classes. My mother will say how ashamed I should be because of those marks, I felt bad because she beats me up and she was bullying me saying that whoever will see those marks will know how bad I am. That I remember very clearly , beaten up, shouting, hitting, humiliation, embarrassment, controlling. I have never been good enough.

She would wake me up in the middle of the night and make me to rewrite whole subjects from classes as my writing wasn’t good enough, shouting, beating, humiliating. I don’t picture my father there I remember that he was working during the night, it might be that he was at work when she had this raging outburst. Anyway there were times I wished my father will divorce her and I will have a nice and kind stepmother who will love me.

 I wanted to commit suicide because of her , she was driving me crazy, completely mad.

 One day I came home late from a party, she was waiting for me shouting that she is just waiting when I will come home and say – yea look I’m ready , showing me gestures of heavily pregnant women. I said that I am to smart for that and then she started to abuse me calling me names and all that , I couldn’t handle it and grabbed a small veg knife and put it to my wrist , then she grabbed the knife off my hand saying that I am stupid and so on. I cried for half of the night and thought I’m 17 and she is still treating me like a shit. The other time she was shouting that I won't be able to get pregnant because I fucking sterilized. It’s just driving me nuts, thinking about all that .

my life

I am a 31 years old woman , with a family , I have a son and a husband. Just to mention English is not my first language so excuse my writing skills. I am not like most people, I always knew that there is something wrong with me, I just didn't know what. I have NEVER been diagnosed with any type of personality disorder and this blog is just about me and my feelings , I want to share my story, I will try to be honest as much as I can, though it's hard sometimes to write or say about the situations which are humiliating. I will write about my life and experience I have, about the NHS and depression which I struggle with at the moment and my new friend FLUOXETINE ! 

Why I think I have a personality disorder

As we all know personality disorder is the hardest to handle, as you live with that for the whole of your life. It is something what was there from as long as you can remember. Thinking of my past I see a lonely lost young person who didn't know where to turn and what to do with life- I still don’t know what I want to do in life . How to cope with my feelings and emotions. I suffered always from a low and changing mood, from excitement and happiness to fury and anger as long as I can remember. I have been told I was  a tantrum child- demanding, angry , sad I have thrown myself on the floor and bang my head on purpose, because I have been refused something or I was just angry. As a teenager and young adult things will include random sex, alcohol abuse, rejecting people around me, wanting to be the best, wanted to be loved, hating myself for being a weak person - having feelings.  I always was putting my "happy face" mask and I wasn’t learning from mistakes - I let people use me, being ambitious but not achieving the highest level of my expectations, being a loner but wanted to be surrounded with people. I often steal from my family and I always hate my mother. There were times I tried to commit suicide, binge eating, starving,  having too many thoughts racing in my head, having a very high sex drive, punishing myself with abusive thoughts - calling myself names and giving directions what to do. I found a way to cope with extreme of my emotions - working as a prostitute, as well when I was feeling low I had sex with way older men (amazingly I had a tendency to meet them always on my way) - the biggest age difference was 40years , he could be my grandfather. Exercising until my muscles will shake from the pain, or run like a crazy to deal with my feelings. There was nothing which could frighten me beside people, they make me feel used and angry, they don't appreciate my commitment and effort I put into doing things for them. Through the day I can be very calm and pleasant, generally happy, then I can have moments of worry and anxiousness, become angry and frustrated , sad and feeling worthless, feelings of numbness and emptiness. During the days when I cannot cope I will abuse myself – mostly sexually . I will tight my breast until they will go purple and spank them with anything I have available, squeeze them – although I will do my best not to leave visible marks (husband can get suspicious). I will squeeze my nipples so hard that I will cry, I will pull them and turn them and put metal curtain clips on them just to feel the physical pain. During this I can scream from the pain as it hurts me so much, even so I will still do it. I  will insert objects into my vagina, but nothing like I was reading about- no hot hair straighteners, no sharp objects, nothing which could make my vagina bleed heavily. My basic tools include different types of bottles which are big and insertion hurts, different shapes of bottles, always oversized which will definitely cause physical pain, but won't cause much harm. I think the worst times I will have a slightly bleeding. The other way of making myself feel pain is hurting myself usually hitting in the head or in the face, with a fist. Other things I would use are shoes and slippers. Not to make it visible, I will cover my head with some sort of clothing or a towel. After that I feel at peace, sadly not for long the pain is coming back again and I do it all again. To be honest in moments of satisfaction and if something will go really well I will do this same thing, I will self harm and I cannot understand any of this. This behaviours contradict so much. That's the basic about me.