and here I cried

I haven't been in such a distress for ages, what happened was someone had made a false allegations against me and I didn't handle it well at all. Let me tell you what had happened.

I had asked , politely ! one of my colleagues to do some work , using words - can you please . What had happened the monkey got unhappy for some reason and made a complaint that I had been rude to him , and that he is such a poor monkey and he needs to be petty. I went to make it all straight and got very upset about it. I won't let some stupid little man spread the lies so I fought for my truth. Where there in the room in my presence he still insisted that I was rude to him. I said I want a disciplinary action to be taken against him , handle the whole situation quiet well and went back to work without disturbing thoughts and just kind a chilled about it. I said that I will write a complaint letter with a grievance to the store manager for today and I will bring it over, unfortunately I wasn't able to put my head together and write this letter. So I went to work today, everything was fin he was off today so I didn't had to see him. Though at the end of the shift I went to talk to the store manager and then he mention that he needs to talk to me. He said that Mo came to see him today and said that I had been very rude to him, and then I broke in tears. I felt cheated, abused, angry , I cried and felt ashamed, as it was on front of my manager. I said my part and I said that I just can not deal with such a stupid accusations and this makes me so upset. He at the end said he will speak to him and find out what in his opinion is being rude.
But I don't want that, I feel like this won't be enough I will raise the grievance as he was accusing me of things I haven't done. I felt very fragile and vulnerable , but I have no idea why exactly. I felt distressed and offended, as I take such a pride in my work and for me respect is a very important part of being a professional in the job I am doing. Then I went to see A. my therapist, I cried on my way there and then I cried on the session.

 Crying didn't made me feel better, I felt in so much mental pain that when I went to changing room I wanted to cut myself, I thought even about killing myself when I was on my way to the therapy session. I tried to think of something completely different just to take my attention from the pain. I somehow coped without making any physical harm to my body although wanting is so badly . I felt broken and kind a destructed, I started to feel angry at the end of the session as I had imagined myself hitting his face with my fist, and then knocking him on the ground and kicking him. This brought release and made me feel way better.

How strange, this image brought relief of the pain , maybe not a completed relief but big somehow.
I felt so elated after realising it , like I got the energy from nowhere.

I will think now on the way I will handle it , and maybe this is the time to tell my manager about my health issues.


xoxo

fuck all

I woke up in a good mood, went to work in a good mood, then a bit of time passed by and I got really frustrated. I was so angry at some point that I wanted to go to the toilet and just cut and cut and cut. I haven't done it , good, but it was so scary to even think about it. Because whatever I think of I will have a clear picture of the actual situation, well so that was frightening.

I am knocked and I am awake at 5.30 am on sunday. Seriously,  there must be something really wrong with me , I went to bed at 1.30am after 12 hour shift  and I woke up around 4.30 am. So that's not a good sign.

xoxo

total turnaround

I am anxious and unable to think why, I just had a nap , at 9am!! daaaa, it's a bit weird. 5 minutes ago I realised that my chest hurts, I thought yes panic attack. Now I have difficulty breathing and caugh, my chest still hurts but not as much, I try not to think aboj tnit , but really how can you not?
I feel like not going to work today, just because I don't feel like going. On the other hand I feel energised and ready to roll, this panic attack annoys me. I hate when it happens, I feel exhausted, my stomach and my head hurts, I can not breath I feel hot and I want it to stop.
My god I feel so angry because of the attack and I don't feel like going to work. I am not tirednbut I would rather spend a day in bed .
I had a dream while having my nap, I dreamed about my husband brother who really doesn't talk to us nither the family in general. well it's a long story but there is a lot to do with his wife,  she had a power over him, now he saying that he doesn't have the money or the timento visit, well thats what he want letnit be.
I feel  tired in some way, and I don't want to do anything. My pannic attackmjust passed, it lasted 20 min. I should really see a doctor about it as it makes me so angry. Well but i dont trust those stupid doctors.

By the way it is very unusual as for me to wake up early ( 6am) and start baking danish pastries!

Yes that was so weird, I realise it after the fact when I started toprepare the dough and the ingridience which I needed for baking them. The most bizzare thing is I don't really like to cook , don't tell me about baking , I am really bad when it comes to that , so as you can see that was odd then my normal morning. I made a custard to go with danish and peaches in sirup. They are really tasety, mmmm. 

I think that I need to start diet again , as I feel so heavy , and that I make myself sick doesn't help. Right , I feel massive, then add me being bloated- or feeling it, than stomak cramps, and wind. So it is time to stop the binge and work very hard on stopping high food intake and start eating small portions often. Let see how it goes, I am positive, I really need it. I need to loose half of the weight I am now , and believe me I am massive 16.5 stone!!!! Aaaaaa, I didn't realise how bad it sounds until I had seein written in here. WOW :( SO BAD, SO VERY BAD!

Well I am going to work today, then through the weekend and monday and tuesday. I really doesn't want to go, ooooowwwww, I pity myself.
xoxo

Different

When I woke up today I frlt energised, in mood to move mountains. I had controlled my eating through the whole morning, and I even baked some croissants and a puff pasty dough , and made a nice custard cream to put in the pastry. I have made ampail of nice sweetmpancakes and I felt so happy. I realised that it is very hard for me to concentrate as I started to read about BPD , and then I realised I again think about compleatly different things while reading , so evrything I read justnwent out of my mind, well that's common.
I feel happy well kind of now, as I started to realise that it is another stage of ME. I would want to feel that way all the time, without a brake .
Xoxo