I'm sorry there is always something bad to write about, those who read my bits, know . I'm annoyed now, my hubby is talking with my mother on skype and she is so fucking annoying, she must be right always. She laughs in your face , ignorant and abusive in her words. She makes me so upset, as I can not say anything, I want but I can't I'm just unable to. It makes me so upset, arrrr, I want to shout and scream , from the anger. She is so annoying!!!!! Fuck, fuck, fuck, arrrr!!!!

hate love

Dear blog diary, hate and love, black and white, pron and cons.

I hate ignorance , when people judge others by any reason , when they bully and harass others, I hate my coworker - Denize. I hate human traffic on the streets, shopping sales, and my fat ass, people pushing around, judgmental looks and rude bus drivers. I hate hypocrites and arrogant people, my nails as they are so week, the constant need of cleaning, misunderstanding, child abuse, ads on tv about 3rd world poverty, my bad dreams, heartburn, my headaches, my mother, animal abuse, killing animals for fur and bones and other trophies. I hate my skin and the sun just because I'm allergic to it, anxiety, sadness, thoughts, anger, pain, my company. I hate moaners and liars, getting drunk, any types of drugs, tiredness, my work, management at my workplace, government, my husband when he is anxious or angry because of some silly reason. I hate when my husband is arguing or shouting at our LO , mess at home, laziness.

I love my son, husband, chocolate, ice cream,  body butter, cheesecake, Chinese and Thai food, Jerry Springer show, Comedies and horrors. I love sex and sleep, make up, learning, developing. I love smart and kind people, motivation, wolf, sky, sun, water, food, my pet ferret, my dad and brother. I love to spend money on different not useful things,  I love to be busy, I love to be loved. Many things I love but I think there is more that I hate.

xoxo

end of the world dream

     I had very disturbing dream today, about the end of the world. It made me feel weird and think about that dream so much, and makes me feel upset and think why I have those kind of a dream sometimes. In this dream I was with my husband and son and we had oversized Doberman - he was a massive dog. I cannot exactly recall the whole dream but I remember us being in the weird car, and I was driving- I don't have a driving license, and there was someone with us I think she is my best friend but she was a he and didn't look like her,I just have a feeling that was her there with us. Then we were at home. Actually I and her without my boys and without the dog and our house could move . I remember that at some point I sow my great aunt and I asked her if this is the end of the world and she said yes. Everything looked so dark and cold , but it wasn't cold. I saw the horisont and things moving there and then make a decision to move - like driving the whole house, so we were in the house which actually moved like a car.
     This is strange as I had very similar dreams with her before, I remember another dream I had where we were in the house which swim on the water, moving around, we were going somewhere .I had the feeling  like the world was ending as well.
    Very strange and makes me feel unsettled, and anxious, and I don't understand it, I wish I could understand but I just cannot put this dream together.
    I remember being scared, and thinking why this is happening. I'm wondering why those dreams have my friend there. It is always with her. Even though she doesn't look like her I know it's her.
Then I think about this dream forever, and I can't figure why I had that dream.
   I remember going down the road and didn't know where the brakes were, and we were going quite fast and I managed to drive the house well by moving my body on the sides. The way you do when taking turns on a motorcycle or a bike or a scooter. We didn't crash and we were going pretty fast and I remember being nervous and frightened. Everything looked dark and sad, with loads of dark clouds and a heavy sky. I don't remember how it ended because for some reason I had opened my eyes and I don't remember why. There must have been something scary as I woke up then.

Does everyone have those dreams? Do you dream about the End of the World? I feel unsettled and I have a chest pain, feeling very anxious. The worst thing is that you don't remember exactly your dream which make it hard , as you want to remember everything and you simply don't.

dear diary

  Dear diary blog, my day today is not what I was expecting.
I'm fuming inside, angry and so annoyed . From morning until now anger just getting bigger with every hour. At work I felt like useless bitch, stupid whore who doesn't deserve to be happy. I was sad and so tired that I couldn't believe that this is happening, as I woke up in the morning so fresh and so rested, within 3 hours I become so tired and upset and unhappy and fed up. I prayed to go home , if only the nursery would call that LO has a fever so I could go home - my LO didn't have a fever so they haven't called. I know I sound like a bad mother , but he was feverish for the last 2 days and I didn't want to stay at home with him today, so I checked his temperature and he was fine . Then I badly wanted to go home and I haven't.

Sad, nothing really is worth doing now. I feel so empty, so much in pain, so confused and SO tired. I'm unable to recall my past at times, it looks like I had a perfect happy life, as I don't remember it. On the other hand I remember my father drinking, mother arguing with him, then use of a wire to beat me up and the shame at school, excuses not to have PSHE classes as my legs were all bruised. I remember my mother shaming me , I cannot recall my age at that time. I remember shouting and screams, I was scared at times so much. I was told that I hit my head of the floor when I wasn't given what I wanted, I screamed and cried. Now strangely my mother denied all that, now she is saying that I was a perfect child. What the fuck!?

Sorry, some of my thoughts don't make any sense but that's alright that's how I think I jump from one thought to another so fast that often I forget what I was thinking about a second ago. Blur.

Truly upsetting, recalling my past, there was this man.....
He spoke only English, he was old and he smelled badly, I was 18 or 19 at that time. When I was going home from my boyfriend's house I meet him a couple of times we talked while I was waiting for a bus. He lived in US for some years and his head was messed up. One day he offered me sex for money, I did accept this offer,  we went to his home,  I had sex with him and get paid for it. I thought that this was first and last time for me and him, I was mistaken. Then he started to stalk me , one day when I was going home he got into the bus I was taking, telling me he loves me, he wants to marry me, he will give me a good future and so on, he made me very upset and stressed me out. I was running through the bus, from him , he didn't. I was with my best friend and she as well was stressed. Someone stepped up and when the bus stopped and pushed him out of the bus. I was so bloody scared at that time. I wanted to forget all about that, but the karma makes me to see him every night, I felt him around wherever I was at my boyfriend's house. This lasted about a week and then my BF and his mother convinced me to call the police and make a statement of harassment. So I did, he has gone to the mental institution for stalking me. I had never seen him since then.

But thinking about it now makes me feel bad, or maybe not, It's such a strange confused emotion. I can't figure it out but I'm sure I don't feel sorry for that I felt sorry before but not now.

Oh well it's time to get some rest I feel calm and peaceful, I actually wanted to say that I'm just bloody annoying. I hit my hubby today as the anger was in my veins making me feel restless, shout and be offensive to him and my baby , and I feel really bad about it. Like I would love to apologise. I have that in my head, sincere apology, but this just can't go through my throat I'm unable to say it.
I even am unable to write it down here, I just can't.

Till tomorrow, for a new entry, have a great night.
xoxo