what's wrong with me

    So today was a kind a nice day, I visited a few blogs and chose to follow some of them. I had taken a long bubble bath just to relax myself a little, my LO went to bed pretty quickly today and hubby decided to connect his xbox to our tv in the front room , so I thought let it be. I had enjoyed my bath , straighten my hair and put a face mask on. Get my laptop and off to bed.

And I started to wonder how bad or good I am.

 Hmm, taking into consideration my outbursts of uncontrolable rage, following by violence towards closest people to me, I am kind and funny person, who most people like (I think). I'm easy to know, as I'm honest, reliable, approachable, crazy- the good way, helpful and very considerate. I'm an altruist at most times, but I can be very aggressive, stubborn, intimidating, rude, impatient, miserable, moaning, hurtful, annoying, and destructive in my actions towards people. If I trust you, make sure you won't disappoint me, follow the regular rule of honesty and it will be fine, I don't mind a constructive feedback, which some people find harsh. But if at any point I will stop talking to you, you make me cry or I will harm myself because I feel so belittled by you - run. Even after some time I will remember and when people are less expecting, then I act, I will try to destroy them or something what is important to them. I don't want to frighten anyone it is just the way I am.

I like to fight, to have a challenge it keeps me going.. I love to learn, that's why I'm 31and in college. I have bad memory I just don't remember things, but on the other hand someone told me that I should work for MI5, as I will make a good spy because of the things I can remember. That's kind a particular isn't it? I'm such a contradiction of things and behaviors, which I try to learn and find a way to deal with. But it is hard, it is worse than before, it's so painful. I had never cut myself the way I'm doing it now, I always fought the opposition. And Anxiety is unbearable at times , making me feel hopeless.

Now I binge eat, purge, self harm, avoid contact with people more than before, I lie again- but I have the best interest of those who I lie to at heart. I feel empty and lonely, I want to cry but I can't, I want to scream and I'm afraid to. I can't speak about it, as I don't trust people enough- I started to talk about it to a couple of people I know and liked, but they had disappointed me badly, so there is no one there. The other thing is that I know people these days have their own problems and I don't want to trouble them with my issues, besides they think I'm very strong personality, and a lot of times they come to me for help. So knowing their problems I'm just unable to share mine.

I'm sad most of the time but the amazing thing is when I go to work I'm completely different, I will hurt inside but I will still smile in most cased. People ask me how I am and I say I'm fine, but I scream inside. Customers are treated differently as well, I most of the time treat them the same way I want to be treated. I would sometimes escape, at work, just walk around the store avoiding work and people. I hate super confident colleagues and managers, I think arrogance doesn't suit people. But on the other hand I would love someone to teach me how to be  an arrogant, life looks easier that way.


You see,  in my behavior there are a lot signs of Borderline Personality, I like to call this Emotionally Unstable Personality.
My moods may be triggered by ordinary things like scent , pictures or a dream.
I'm strong on the other hand as I had survived so much.


So it looks like there is BPD (borderline personality disorder), Depression, Anxiety, 
ED (eating disorder).


Now I need to find more strength to fight that, and to be honest I feel exhausted.

hmmm...

My thing is, that I don't know where to start. I'm lonely and disappointed , my fluoxetine doesn't help me.

 I binge eat, purge, I have extreme mood swings, self harm, I feel very anxious at times, hate and love, abuse and hurt others, don't care and care too much, I'm sad and extremely happy, I feel the pain so real, I'm angry, and confused. I have suicidal thoughts, and why the hell it is like that. I just want my thoughts to stop thundering in my head. I feel so hopeless, I feel like I need a break.
I'm just tired.

UK

  I came to the UK and I started to live with a man, let's call him J. So I meet him when I was 25 he was 33 at that time, I start to live with him and had a distant relationship with my now husband. He knew from beginning that I will bring my boyfriend over so he was ok, but he wanted me to be faithful to him - no sex relationships with anyone. Ok, so we have been sleeping together, from the first day we had sex was rough he was really harsh and confident what he was doing. He would squeeze my breast so hard that I would have tears in my eyes from the pain, he would come home from work and no matter if I was doing something he would pull his pants down and stick his dick in my mouth, if I refused he squeezed my jaw catch my hair and put it in anyway. He would come onto my face or  into my mouth and prize me that I'm such a good bitch. Yes, this relationship was different. Then one day we decided that we will call massage places and get me to work there. So we did, I worked in one place, he didn't like it , so he took me there one day and told me by the door to bring my clothes back and we are going home. Wow, the women who was running it tried to convince him, as had already a few clients booked, but he said no. Then I found a new place with Julie running it, it was brilliant we had nice customers, some regular once, everything was going well, J was coming over at evenings when I was staying in the flat by myself or with another girl just to keep us company. Never mind that, I had sex with people through the day and he still insisted to have a shag with him sometimes more than twice. I was kind a exhausted, but I enjoyed it, after a couple of months he decided that I haven't got enough time for him, and said that I should quit. I went for easter back home, and come back and never gone to work there again, then there was his friend coming over to visit from Italy, and he took me, him and another couple of friends out to the night club. In the middle of the night he told me to take his friend outside because he wants to shagg me . O well I thought why not. But there were people everywhere, so will called J and called the night. I told him I was taking his friend home, so we had sex, and when he came back we had a threesome. And I cannot say I didn't enjoy it, it was nice. So J was a huge part of my life, we had ups and downs with our freaky relationship, but it was alright, still sometimes I will see him, and yes during the last 5 years we had sex 3 times I think. I don't know why I won't just cut him off completely, maybe he has something I desire.

So I liked to be with him, no issues whatsoever if he was in threesome or when I was getting paid for sex with others. But he could be a pain, accusing me of cheating and making me feel small at times.

Sex

Beware the post contain very strong language and might be very triggering.


I feel like letting it all out, so please don't read if it might trigger you.


I'm just one sad person today.

     I just realised today how pathetic I am.
 Just now I was doing all the fucking bad things, I beat myself - all over the head and face, again, and sexually abused myself - if I can call this that way- put metal clips on my nipples insert apple in my vagina, lay on the floor on my my breast to hurt more. With that voice in my head saying that I am a fucking whore, that I'm only good for fucking. I don't know why but I had stopped in one second and thought that for my whole life I was really a fuck object. I was finding a random man to have sex with, I was having so called boyfriends where sex was the main and most important thing, I got paid for sex, I lied, cheated, masturbate to feel the pain. I was doing all that to be loved. Yes , to be loved. But how the hell I could be loved doing that?! I just remember that when I was 13 or something I didn't know really what the sex is, but I remember going to the attic and abuse myself - I have all forgot about it. When I was younger I was going to the church with my brother- he is 4 years younger. There was a small forest by the church and we have gone there, it was winter a lot of snow and cold. I don't know how and why but I remember that I stripped myself and wanted him to do this same, but he didn't. We had never talked about it and it was that one time only. I feel so anxious now, that it's hard to breath.

There always was something in me that attract man although I wasn't slim or even the right weight, I was always overweight , could even say obese. There was this couple of guys who I meet when I was 16, they were over 25 and they were working as a truck drivers transporting wood from the forests to the Woodyard. They always called me when they were around my town so I will meet with them had a chat and drink and then have sex, I would do the blowjob to one of them and the other one was fucking me. Or in most cased they would take turns to put a dick in me.

 I always had a way to find people to have sex with, I very rarely felt sorry, I didn't care that I had a boyfriend and I was so in love with him. I didn't care if they were married or had children, I didn't want a relationship. I'm not into sex as much as before. Now I will more hurt myself than masturbate for a pleasure of sexual fulfillment. I  neglect my sexual relationship with my husband , who is brilliant in all of those things, honestly. I feel like I was a sex toy and I never have been sexually abused as a child, or if I was I don't remember that.

  I don't think I am a sadomasochist -( Psychology- the combination of sadistic and masochistic elements in one person, characterized by both aggressive and submissive periods in relationships with others).Or maybe I am, I would rather tight my breast, insert strange things into my vagina, beat myself up, hurt my nipples, abuse myself verbally and not have an orgasm. But having sex with my hubby will include a rough sex, he never abuses me verbally though, he just isn't able to hurt me really, so our relationship isn't sadistic or masochistic. 

So yes, I am the fuck I don't know what, I have no bloody idea why I am doing it, it's like in my head it makes me angry. I just feel that I was born to suffer, and I hate to suffer and I make myself suffer, why the fuck me?!

I hate when they use me at work , giving shitty jobs to do. I'm a bloody supervisor and they use me to do crap things. I feel humiliated and angry and frustrated and then I cut myself, as I feel hurt and worthless, why then when I' m hurting myself sexually is different ? Why do I let man have what they want? Why work is so stressful for me , I feel used, worthless, humiliated, taken advantage of, stupid, not in control, exhausted, frustrated, hurt.

Why do I beat myself , why do I insert things in me, why do I cut myself, why my head hurts that much, why I want to cry and I'm unable to, why do I want to scream, why if I would have some stranger to fuck me I would go for it, why do I hurt my breast so much , why I pull my hair,why do I want to feel the bloody pain???? Why the hell I haven't got anyone to talk to?!?! O and now I cry

It's so bloody hard, I cannot cope. I need to stay strong, but I feel so bad, I just still have hope.