so you know I am broken

I am broken as you are aware, I am mad in my head and soul. I suffer and cause pain to myself and others, I'm not well under the stress. I wish I could be better, but everything is just not right. I am broken inside in million small pieces which is so hard to put together now. I am mad in my head , I have thoughts fights with myself. I am in a lot of pain , the pain is so overwhelming that the other me takes control over too fast. I fight the other me and I try to be reasonable and happy and reliable. But this bitch is just too strong at times, maybe not even strong but she want's her way, is persistent , makes me feel under pressure and then in a snap of fingers I am giving up. As I am writing it she is shouting , although I try not to pay attention to her as she had hurt me already today, now she is laughing. How strange I feel I am frightened. She makes it happen. 

 

If you only knew how sad, tired, wrecked emotionally I am now you wouldn't want to be me. And I would happily swap with someone to have a bit of sunshine in my head, as at the moment there is a tornado and dark heavy clouds. I am tired and angry, I was more angry before I was actually raging , this was directed towards myself. I think then the other me was more out than in . But as she has done so much harm she is somehow satisfied so she is a bit hidden now.

I want to cry and I am unable to, although if I am with people and I feel sad I will start crying or at least have watery eyes. My whole body aches, I move very slowly because I am exhausted, I want to fall asleep as I feel so tired but I can't as she doesn't let me sleep, she has so many ideas , or she just insists on harming myself. And I lay in bed and not moving , as I don't want to give her any satisfaction and then in a matter of seconds she is out and she is acting, doing what she can the best - RAGING. She is at times like this vicious dog which doesn't know if there is a danger , dog will attack just because of fear.  Is she then frightened, is that the reason the inner me is raging, fighting, is rude, sometimes even she is a he, god my head is messed up.

 

She was in charge for so long that I barely know me, I have different masks for different ocassion and honestly I don't even know if it's her or me. But hold on, me and her/him is still this same person. The difference between us is that I'm naive, she is most delusional, and he is rude.

He - is only when I sexually abuse myself , he - is the voice in my head who tell me how pathetic, fat and worthless whore I am , he tells me that I am made to suffer. He often is in my head when I have sex with another man , and he was there for most of my life, hidden in my head and coming out when there was a need. He wasn't vicious though like the inner me is.

She - Is raging me , angry , sad, vicious, hyper, quick thinker, acting fast, using common sense, she - is strong and confident as well as delusional , dark, broken, a fighter. She is with me constantly she takes over at times when I cannot cope, though she isn't there as much now when I need her. She is over for some periods of time in my life but then she hides and comes out from time to time , like now. When I reach the culmination point, and I cannot handle it as it is - she is there, she supports me and she is liked by others. She is cheerful , so I think most times she comes out when I am at work , but then I am there as well , it feels like we swap from time to time while at work. She is the one who say do not eat, who saying that I am a fat, disgusting human being, she makes me purge, she tries to control me. She is the one who thinks about diets, calories, self harm , she was the one to develop my cutting. But with the Self Harm we all 3 are in charge of it. She is stubborn and fair to people

Me - I am soft, considerate, loving, sad, scared, reliable, worried, blank, plain, tired, hurt, anxious, depressed. I am me now, and I feel sad and extremely tired, I want to sleep, hide in the mouse hole and sleep it through till the better days will come over. I am peaceful, and happy, I love animals, I pity myself . I would binge eat, I would self harm, I would cry, and I will feel this lump in my chest which makes me anxious. I am the reason of having those panicky things, as I don't have confirmation that those are panic attacks, so I call them things. I feel like my head is massive right now, and as usual I feel sad and tired. 

So , You know I am broken, and this is the inside story of me. Is this all , no, there is more, but that will come out within the time . Those 3 me, are the strongest and they are often here. I am at the stage when I hate the way I am treated by my GP, and honestly NHS don't really care. If they would, my GP wouldn't question me when I had asked for psychiatric assessment, she should do it anyway, before putting me on any medication. This makes me so angry , just because I finally asked for help, but it seems like I would be better off without it. 

That is why I am who I am, and as I am .

XOXO

mother

So I feel like the christmas at home was a good by to my mother, she kneed by my bed at some point the night we came over. She was suffering , she was unwell, she just came over kneed by my bed and said something to me , I don't recall what though. I just remember thinking " I forgive you , you are dying". Strange thought and weird , the next day I was wondering why I thought this way. I didn't know. Last friday we called a doctor to check her as she was poorly for the whole two weeks I had been at home. The diagnosis was pneumonia, with high possibility of astma or other kind of chest illnes. WELL my brother texted me today, call me quickly, I got very anxious I thought he will say that she died. She hasn't , but doctor come over today and told her she needs to go to hospital , she refused and dismissed a doctoctor- doc hasn't prescribed her any antibiotics, as she said they won't make her feel better. Well that is her chois, as usual sefish and hipocritic, doesn't take into consideration other people around her. She told my father that she knows that he wants to rid of her?! WTF?! She is so delusional , it is unbelievable, she told the same thing to my brother, so nothing is going through to her head. This is compleately out of order. So I know for sure that the mental health is in a way afected through generations, as my nana was very simular, suspicious and so concious of people, she didn't trust no one, she made people think that she is such a lovely person - but was she really? So if my mother won't go to the hospital any time soon it might be shortly to l;ate for her, and she will die.


What will hapened? Will she go to the hospital or she won't?

xoxo

again ...

So.... It's me again I want to write, I always do feel like it but not always feel like posing .
I am here in the kitchen with two screaming parrots, cigarette in my hand and feeling cold. I just half an hour ago was going to the toilet, returning to bed and had been short of breth, had tangling feeling in my hands, my head was like it will expload in matter of seckonds. I took some ventolin to ease the brething problems and go down to sit in the kitchen.

I wonder what could actually be wrong with me, I am still anxious about not knowing, why certian things are happening, whyI feel that way, why do I every day have those feelings of extreem weirdness? Those things are driving me crazy, as I don't know what is wrong and what is the reason for it, and this makes me anxious. So after return to home, I will book an appointment with GP , and see what she will say, if anything.
Till then I have to survive, and I realised now my heart hurts. Why I don't know , but it's a weird feeling. I have many weird feelings but those are on regular basis. Well I am tired and maybe I could use some sleep again.

xoxo

Change

I realised how much I am changing, I am not this same person as I was years back . Now I even percept that I am more of a schizotypal personality. I am kind of a person who is not engaged socially as I feel uncomfortable, another thing is that I don't like to interact with the men who are close to me as I feel like every male is the sexual object for me. What that means, and I know it would sound strange , that even cutting hair for my dad was making me wonder that he is a sexy man. I am escaping my father in law as I see a sexual context in his gestures and his talk. I am looking at my husband brothers and I think They both have an affair with this same woman, one of them is in a relationship with this girl and they just had a baby, but the other brother is quiet close with her. I am perceiving it like they are sexually engaged, as for me it looks like that. Or maybe because of my own past experiences I think that they can not be as close without being sexual. Though I don't feel like it about younger man than me but all other older, mature man, make me anxious. Even at work I feel like they are a sexual object, my store manager is 46 or so , and I really fancy him, on the other hand I feel like he can sense me . What it means he avoids getting close to me , he doesn't act with me like with other female employees, although I am sure that he likes me and that he respect me as an effective employee.

I am the type who is not interested in a sexual relationship with my husband, for me sex isn't tabu but I am not the one who will make a first step. Where years back I was the one who wasn't satisfied, and constantly wanted the intimacy. Now I am having an intercourse , and I enjoy it , but not as much as before. I think before the sexuality was a thought for loving me , and I desperately wanted to be loved. I could have sex with anyone who showed me a bit of attention, and do almost any kind of kinky stuff with person who told me they have feelings for me. I know that now I have the type of love which is unconditional and forever and this is the love of my son, nothing and no one could change it. I love him the most and I couldn't love anyone more or even this same as him. I am gaining weight since I come to my parents , but we are going back home on Saturday and I can control myself there again. I hope. I have to be in control, as there is nothing more annoying than being unable to control your actions, this makes me feel very weak, useless and worthless, which isn't good. That is why I purge, as I can not control my binge eating, this makes me feel worthless and like I am stupid, this just makes me angry. Then I have to regain the control somehow and that is the reason I am rid of the food from my stomach. I think at times I am really a control freak , I want everything to be done immediately, I would rather not to explain things for others, I like when people are putting their own initiative into making things work. I like people who are clever and reliable, helpful and willing , and for whom there are no issues to take up the challenge.

I was a person who constantly was in need of a contact with someone, but when I was like 14- 15 I had lonely walks with my dogs in the nearby forest, and I loved it. Then when I was older I needed a human contact, so I was very sociable, although I had never been a person where people call just to talk, as I hate phone calls - still now. I do enjoy moments where I can control everything and when I am in charge of social relationship - which here I call someone to see them at a certain time. I hate to be late , usual I am earlier at least those 5min, and I dislike and get disappointed by people who are late. I hate committing to something, as I am afraid that I will fail. I can not stand a fail, this is like a personal suicide. I can not fail, if I am committed to something I have to do it and I will use all my strength to do it. Well that is why as well I do a part time work , as I am not mentally ready to work 5 days a week, as I know I may feel very low.

I think I am strong, but on the other side so weak and vulnerable. I am afraid and so disappointed by people that this is why I cannot trust but on the other hand I am so open like people perceive that as a Trust , but is it really? That's taught subject I am confused somehow with all that. I don't understand . I feel lost at times , and the worst thing is that no one wants to tell me what is wrong with me and why those things happened , I even think that my doc doesn't really bother as if she would she will direct me or at least offer a psychiatric assessment to help me understand.

Well that's life.

xoxo