another dream

How to explain that?I just dreamed today about a man and a woman who actually were running a sex business, I was working for them. I had met man for sex and they paid for it. When I woke up I felt this urgency to cut and abuse myself again. I just couldn't take these thoughts out of my mind, I had to punish myself . I did cut and hurt myself today as I needed to release this strange need of doing it. I don't remember the exact situation in this dream but I know I was one of many other woman there and I wasn't even physically satisfied I was doing it for man satisfaction for them to be fulfilled. There is something there I think , my dreams have a huge impact on my day to day life. I could wake up really tired and bored or very hyper and unable to do one thing at a time. Actually I never do one thing at a time I start many things at this same time and then set myself to finish all of them. It is like setting myself a target. This Sunday I woke up and started to tidy up a bit , when my hubby woke up an idea popped in my mind to do a bit of refurbishment. So I moved all furnitures in our bedroom by myself as I don't like others to interfere with the things I am doing. But all the time my dreams take over of my behavior through the day. I feel generally happy, If I can call that happiness. I am bored doing all that regular stuff and need challenges to keep me going, so I find myself a new task to fulfill and then after achieving it I feel somehow proud of myself but then another target needs to be set for me to work on as if I do this same thing every day it just slowly killing me. I loose interest in doing things that is why I haven't got a hobby probably, I change my job, I don't cook and meet with people often. I even sometimes think if I love my husband, as we don't talk much and I don't tell him about my worries and thoughts. That's strange but on the other hand there is no challenge here, he is my husband so we are bonded and even sometimes I think if he will cheat on me what will I do? Will I be hurt and upset or if it will change our relationship a bit and I will be more passionate and try to win him every time. It didn't happen yet so it is difficult to think about. Or maybe it happened and I am not aware of that , either way I don't know.

So because of that dream I feel like I want to go and cheat on him, just to fulfill everything what is in my mind. I know it is not good to feel that way but honestly I feel like this is what I need and want now.

19/07

Feeling angry and frustrated , the job is fine, but personal life is getting worse just because my mother in law. She got into a huge debit, her whole life she couldn't manage the money , she constantly needed support of others. When my husband, then boyfriend got some job and earned some money she always had the most of it. He had 2 younger brothers , it is like 15 years difference between them, and she always had a way of taking those money of him. They needed for heating, or gas, or electricity or food, so basically I had never really been on a date with him . Because he never had the money as everything almost was going towards the expenses for a house and living and she never worked. It is upsetting me because she is in such a trouble that they wanted to auction their house. How possibly she could allow for this to happen?! I had given her the amount she needs to pay back, I give her a conditions as well , I want her to sell the house, because she cannot afford it and buy something smaller and within her budget. The other thing is she has to tell everything to her boyfriend, who lives with her for last 13 years, how it is possible not to communicate?! The third condition is when she will sell the house and buy a new one, she has to open an account for our son and put some money there for his future. She promised to do that, and I now will have to postpone my study as I can not afford them now, how bad, never mind. I need to change the job to get paid more than now so I could afford the school and expenses. It makes me so angry.




I am taking a lot of overtime to earn more money as we ourself are in debits and need to go to straight as soon as possible. My husband is taking a part time job and I hope it will work out for us somehow. It's good that I can work now more hours and that I actually enjoy my job, so any available hours are alright for me.

I feel very tired recently, and I would sleep constantly if I could, I feel exhausted like there is not much energy left in me. I think about sleep and how I would love to cuddle my pillow and snuggle up under the duvet. I haven't taken propranolol today , just because yesterday I felt like fainting. It made me feel very fragile and I didn't understand why I felt so week, it is like a kind of panic attack but without shaky hands and pounding heart. My world decided to spin around for few hours, and I felt very unsteady on my feet.

But I am planning to take my tablets tomorrow as I should, I am giving myself a break today but let see tomorrow how it goes.

I still have a nightmare, dreams which make me frightened and suspicious, where I can remember that it was a dream but inside me I am so unsettled. I don't know how to stop it, and back again have a nice dreams.

It is 21.30 and I am physically exhausted so I am off to bed to cuddle my pillow xoxo

feeling better

I had moved to the other store , still working for this same company though. I feel like my life escapes through my fingers, I still don't feel like I'm fully living my life it is so bizarre. I wish it could be different, so still looking for work. Lately I feel much better , my moods are kind a stable, and I don't get angry as much actually at all. I think I'm getting better feels like recovery, I had a period of time that I couldn't sleep , now I have the thing that I would sleep constantly. For the whole of my life I had a light sleep, I could wake up when I heard something and now I just sleep through the night and even alarm clock won't wake me up!




I feel tense like there is something inside me and it want to escape and it can't, I feel and hear the screaming in my head. I can not really describe that and it feels so weird. It is like small me in my head screaming, shouting and want to escape from my head. On the outside I am calm and patient, without those moments of uncontrollable anger and frustration. I get upset, yes, but I manage to control this behavior and not letting it control me which is good.

I still have those persistent thoughts of self harm , I still cut my legs, even if I will postpone it - I usually clean , tidy up or try to do other things so I won't self harm - I will do it anyway. It makes me upset because my son can see it and will ask what happened and I just feel so bad for lying to him, I try to wear something so he won't see it. But if he is joining me in the morning when I'm still asleep, and when my hubby goes to work, he is able to see it. This makes me sad but on the other hand it is like air for me - I need it, I need a cut and pain, I need to harm myself - didn't figure it out why yet, but I feel like this is needed for my existence, that's just sad. I really want to cut my arms and somehow I still manage not to do that, but it is so tempting , and because of that I cut my legs as well just not to do it on my arms. I don't want my scars and cuts to be visible to others although I have a few cuts here and there on my arms and wrist but It's very random and I don't think anyone would think that those cuts or scars were made by me. Maybe only those on my wrist but here you have to get a closer look on that to see it. I use sudocream whenever I cut, for my scars not to be visible as much and apple vinegar to make them lighter. So I take care of them, I just wish I could stop making them. That would be great.




I am playing my other role now, as I'm working in new store I have to blend in. It will be hard but I already feel at home, how strange, in the previous store I worked for almost 2 years and haven't felt accepted. Here just a couple of days and it feels so nice. I'm so different and so similar to the old me. I think I need to be different whatever suit me and others.

tired

     I wish I would want as much as I don't want. Haven't been able to write anything recently , my mind isn't transferring my thoughts. I feel physically exhausted and mentally drained. I sleep 5 - 6 hours and that is not enough. I don't sleep well anyway, I have some bloody nightmares, dreams which make me more anxious and demotivated. I'm going to work today, and I so don't want to go, I feel so tired and kind a numb. I wish I could take a pill for all that to go away. But there is no magical cure.I don't sleep well recently, it is getting even worse now. I wish I could take some time off but now it is a case of disciplinary for me, due to absenteeism, so I don't want my papers to be marked with that and so I have to go to work. On the other hand I don't really care, but what keeps me at my job at the moment is that I have a family and we need to pay bills and I can't afford to not work for any period of time. It is sad really, because I loved my job at the beginning and the people I work with. But now it is just unbelievably hard to go there and do my job. I struggle big time, I really need another job. I realised that even if I will change the store it won't change much as my organisation values are this same everywhere. It is a big company and management is progressing through the career ladder where people become store managers at the end, because they were so submissive to other management that now they deserve a career. So unfair but what can you do. I had applied for few jobs again and didn't hear back from most of the companies. I just wish I would get a new job soon as I struggle so much and I just hope I will hold on through that tough time.

xoxo