mother

So I feel like the christmas at home was a good by to my mother, she kneed by my bed at some point the night we came over. She was suffering , she was unwell, she just came over kneed by my bed and said something to me , I don't recall what though. I just remember thinking " I forgive you , you are dying". Strange thought and weird , the next day I was wondering why I thought this way. I didn't know. Last friday we called a doctor to check her as she was poorly for the whole two weeks I had been at home. The diagnosis was pneumonia, with high possibility of astma or other kind of chest illnes. WELL my brother texted me today, call me quickly, I got very anxious I thought he will say that she died. She hasn't , but doctor come over today and told her she needs to go to hospital , she refused and dismissed a doctoctor- doc hasn't prescribed her any antibiotics, as she said they won't make her feel better. Well that is her chois, as usual sefish and hipocritic, doesn't take into consideration other people around her. She told my father that she knows that he wants to rid of her?! WTF?! She is so delusional , it is unbelievable, she told the same thing to my brother, so nothing is going through to her head. This is compleately out of order. So I know for sure that the mental health is in a way afected through generations, as my nana was very simular, suspicious and so concious of people, she didn't trust no one, she made people think that she is such a lovely person - but was she really? So if my mother won't go to the hospital any time soon it might be shortly to l;ate for her, and she will die.


What will hapened? Will she go to the hospital or she won't?

xoxo

again ...

So.... It's me again I want to write, I always do feel like it but not always feel like posing .
I am here in the kitchen with two screaming parrots, cigarette in my hand and feeling cold. I just half an hour ago was going to the toilet, returning to bed and had been short of breth, had tangling feeling in my hands, my head was like it will expload in matter of seckonds. I took some ventolin to ease the brething problems and go down to sit in the kitchen.

I wonder what could actually be wrong with me, I am still anxious about not knowing, why certian things are happening, whyI feel that way, why do I every day have those feelings of extreem weirdness? Those things are driving me crazy, as I don't know what is wrong and what is the reason for it, and this makes me anxious. So after return to home, I will book an appointment with GP , and see what she will say, if anything.
Till then I have to survive, and I realised now my heart hurts. Why I don't know , but it's a weird feeling. I have many weird feelings but those are on regular basis. Well I am tired and maybe I could use some sleep again.

xoxo

Change

I realised how much I am changing, I am not this same person as I was years back . Now I even percept that I am more of a schizotypal personality. I am kind of a person who is not engaged socially as I feel uncomfortable, another thing is that I don't like to interact with the men who are close to me as I feel like every male is the sexual object for me. What that means, and I know it would sound strange , that even cutting hair for my dad was making me wonder that he is a sexy man. I am escaping my father in law as I see a sexual context in his gestures and his talk. I am looking at my husband brothers and I think They both have an affair with this same woman, one of them is in a relationship with this girl and they just had a baby, but the other brother is quiet close with her. I am perceiving it like they are sexually engaged, as for me it looks like that. Or maybe because of my own past experiences I think that they can not be as close without being sexual. Though I don't feel like it about younger man than me but all other older, mature man, make me anxious. Even at work I feel like they are a sexual object, my store manager is 46 or so , and I really fancy him, on the other hand I feel like he can sense me . What it means he avoids getting close to me , he doesn't act with me like with other female employees, although I am sure that he likes me and that he respect me as an effective employee.

I am the type who is not interested in a sexual relationship with my husband, for me sex isn't tabu but I am not the one who will make a first step. Where years back I was the one who wasn't satisfied, and constantly wanted the intimacy. Now I am having an intercourse , and I enjoy it , but not as much as before. I think before the sexuality was a thought for loving me , and I desperately wanted to be loved. I could have sex with anyone who showed me a bit of attention, and do almost any kind of kinky stuff with person who told me they have feelings for me. I know that now I have the type of love which is unconditional and forever and this is the love of my son, nothing and no one could change it. I love him the most and I couldn't love anyone more or even this same as him. I am gaining weight since I come to my parents , but we are going back home on Saturday and I can control myself there again. I hope. I have to be in control, as there is nothing more annoying than being unable to control your actions, this makes me feel very weak, useless and worthless, which isn't good. That is why I purge, as I can not control my binge eating, this makes me feel worthless and like I am stupid, this just makes me angry. Then I have to regain the control somehow and that is the reason I am rid of the food from my stomach. I think at times I am really a control freak , I want everything to be done immediately, I would rather not to explain things for others, I like when people are putting their own initiative into making things work. I like people who are clever and reliable, helpful and willing , and for whom there are no issues to take up the challenge.

I was a person who constantly was in need of a contact with someone, but when I was like 14- 15 I had lonely walks with my dogs in the nearby forest, and I loved it. Then when I was older I needed a human contact, so I was very sociable, although I had never been a person where people call just to talk, as I hate phone calls - still now. I do enjoy moments where I can control everything and when I am in charge of social relationship - which here I call someone to see them at a certain time. I hate to be late , usual I am earlier at least those 5min, and I dislike and get disappointed by people who are late. I hate committing to something, as I am afraid that I will fail. I can not stand a fail, this is like a personal suicide. I can not fail, if I am committed to something I have to do it and I will use all my strength to do it. Well that is why as well I do a part time work , as I am not mentally ready to work 5 days a week, as I know I may feel very low.

I think I am strong, but on the other side so weak and vulnerable. I am afraid and so disappointed by people that this is why I cannot trust but on the other hand I am so open like people perceive that as a Trust , but is it really? That's taught subject I am confused somehow with all that. I don't understand . I feel lost at times , and the worst thing is that no one wants to tell me what is wrong with me and why those things happened , I even think that my doc doesn't really bother as if she would she will direct me or at least offer a psychiatric assessment to help me understand.

Well that's life.

xoxo

Happy New Year

Wishing you all a very happy , as much as it can be, calm and healthy New Year 2013 xoxo