felling it

I feel tired , when I woke up in the morning everything was fine. I had the energy to do anything and then I felt tired and I went to lay down, and woke up very tired. I feel exhausted, and have a massive headache, but I just tried to lay down and I couldn't, I felt my heart pounding, and burning sensation in my chest. So I had to get up and sit down, I felt anxious at this same time, I feel like I don't want to go to work tomorrow, but then I have 3 days off so why not to go.

I am sad and I don't know what is the reason for it. I am feeling tired just so tired.

xoxo

ED, Self Harm, panic attack, anxiety, depression ,mania, hypomania, rage, and many more

     I had done a research again , as I do from time to time. I consider myself fit and capable person , with moments of brake down without particular reason or by outside triggers, where my therapist say that I have high sensitivity of my senses vision, hearing, smell, taste, touch . She might be right and there might nothing particularly wrong with me mentally , or she might be wrong and there is more to that, She mentioned previously that she think that I am Bipolar, although I have never mentioned to her that I think I am Borderline. Though I mentioned that I am suspecting to have a personality disorder , where she asked me , what I mean - which one. I said that maybe schizoid , because I am perceiving people as they are talking about me behind my back , and that I feel like they want to make a harm to me. She finalize it with one word - delusional, yes I am , what is worse than that is that I love people or I hate them , and this she doesn't know. She might suspect that but she had never mentioned it to me . Well if you read my posts you can see from them how I think and that at times I trust and like someone, and then the paranoia takes the turn and I feel like I hate that person, and then they will do something nice to me and I become to love them again. It is like a confused circle which doesn't end . Example can be my mother, at times I feel like I love her but most times I hate her as she made so much damage to me when I was a child; my senior manager before I transferred to the store I work for now , he was my guru and then he become the worse person the devil himself - in my eyes, I still hate him thou , coz he didn't even tried to repair the damage he cause to me.



I learned today that in fact I have bulimia, well the doctors knew about it but they didn't take any action to help me with that. I had a post that one doc, said that I have bulimia , and I thought how he can diagnose that without an assessment. So I researched and that is how MAYO Clinic describes it:

Diagnostic criteria for bulimia
To be diagnosed with bulimia, you must meet these criteria in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) published by the American Psychiatric Association:
You repeatedly binge, eating an abnormally large amount of food, and feel that you can't control your eating.
You get rid of the extra calories from bingeing by vomiting, excessive exercise, fasting, or misuse of laxatives, diuretics, enemas or other medications.
You binge and purge at least twice a week for at least three months.
Your body shape and weight influence your feelings of self-worth too much.
You don't have anorexia, an eating disorder with extremely restrictive eating behaviors.

Even if you don't meet all of these criteria, you could still have an eating disorder. Don't try to diagnose yourself — get professional help if you have any eating disorder symptoms.

So I fit those criteria perfectly. Meaning I have bulimia.



   The self harm it's a big issue for me, I remember that I had abused my body in a sexual way from as long as I can remember. Let say the first memory is when I was about 12 - ish. Then I got naked in winter in the small forest and showed my naked body to my four years younger brother, where he suppose to do this same, but he hasn't. I remember that it was cold, loads of snow and we were going to the church , so it had to be Sunday morning, as service was at 10.30 am. I never talked to him about it and I hope I won't be ever talking to him about it. I had inserted different objects to my vagina, I had slept with most disgusting man you can think of, I had inserted objects in my rectum and masturbate rough to cause pain, to hurt myself. I had tided up my breast that they got purple from lack of blood circulations, my nipples had been damaged many times till the blood come out. I bit myself with a wooden stick, my breast get hit with all sorts of things, they had been squished , pulled, bitten, smacked, hit, you name it they had gone through a lot. Why ? I don't know, I feel the urgency to do it sometimes, and I have this voice in my head which is telling me how worthless and pathetic I am, what a whore am I and how I deserve the worse treatment ever. That the bitch like me needs to be punished, and not to have any pleasure only pain is allowed, at times I cry from the pain. When I was younger it was common for me in winter to go to the forest take off my all clothes and lay in the snow in the freezing cold weather, at times I run and jumped in the forest, making myself think that I am a secret agent who is on the mission. I wasn't scared I had my dogs with me, so even if someone wanted to stop me I had my guards with me.

Then there is hitting with a shoe, stick , hand, fist in the head and the body this usually is because of the pain I feel in my chest and my head, it is overwhelming mental pain with high level of anxiety. This as well add cutting, I cut when I feel rage and when something good happens and I feel like I can not cope with my emotions and the feeling is excessive. I feel hurt and I cut, I feel impatient and nervous I cut, I am sad and worried I cut , I succeed or achieve something I cut, and it really doesn't matter what happened if my emotions change from one extreme to the other then I have to cause myself a pain. They say it is the way of dealing with the feelings.

    Panic attacks, they just came from nowhere and they are disturbing and scary at times. I dislike them the most of all physical issues I have with myself, the cutting , biting, purging it's nothing in comparison to those attacks. They make me weak and frightened, I think it is just because I haven't got the ability to control them , where the other things I have a control and I can choose in some way what I want to do. It is bizarre but the most truthful I have ever thought of, meaning, that now I got to the point of realising why some things happens. Well short story I hate those attacks as I feel vulnerable.

   Anxiety may be caused by external factors - triggers , or just come up without a reason from no where and this is the very best friend of panic disorder which is said to be called Generalised Anxiety Disorder which is :

( GAD) is characterised by excessive, exaggerated anxiety and worry about everyday life events with no obvious reasons for worry. People with symptoms tend to always expect disaster and can't stop worrying about health, money, family, work, or school. In people with GAD, the worry often is unrealistic or out of proportion for the situation. Daily life becomes a constant state of worry, fear, and dread. Eventually, the anxiety so dominates the person's thinking that it interferes with daily functioning, including work, school, social activities, and relationships.
What are the symptoms of GAD?

GAD affects the way a person thinks, but the anxiety can lead to physical symptoms, as well. Symptoms of GAD can include:
Excessive, ongoing worry and tension
An unrealistic view of problems
Restlessness or a feeling of being "edgy"
Irritability
Muscle tension
Headaches
Sweating
Difficulty concentrating
Nausea
The need to go to the toilet frequently
Tiredness
Trouble falling or staying asleep
Trembling
Being easily startled

In addition, people with GAD often have other anxiety disorders (such as panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and phobias), suffer from depression, and/or abuse drugs or alcohol.

    I don't know anymore how to cope with all that , it feels like I carry too much on my shoulders. I need a break at times, I hate the pain inside me and I hate the anxiety which is so overwhelming that I want to run away from everything and everyone. I want to cry and I am unable to and then I binge on food and purge as I ate to much , and I cut and hit because I suffer , but doing that it cause more pain more physical pain and so I suffer again. I wake up in the morning and feel anxious and I suffer. I shout and scream and harm closest people to me, so when I realise that I suffer, I never apologise even though I know I done a wrong thing.

   The depression is the thing that meets me here and there every so often, makes me tired and very lazy. Makes me sad without a particular reason and anxiety rich the rooftop. I dislike depression so much just because I am unable to think, concentrate, I feel worthless and unable to do anything. Forget the bath and putting clothes on , I will just exist, which means I am unable to move of the bed and I am even to tired to go to the loo. Well I hate that feeling although I love to be in a manic state.

Mania and hypomania those two states I live on for the last few days. Often now and then I got the period of extra motivation and ambitious plans which are


Symptoms

The following features are associated with mania and also occur in hypomania to a less severe extent:
increased energy and activity
feeling full of ideas with racing thoughts
increased confidence and self-esteem
decreased need for sleep
talkativeness
being easily distracted, and darting from one activity to another
elevated mood, but sometimes increased irritability that can quickly turn to anger
increased sociability and over-familiarity
increased sexual desire and decreased inhibitions
increased involvement in pleasurable activities with little thought for consequences, such as going on a spending spree or making reckless financial decisions
lack of insight, or denial that behaviour has changed
increased awareness of senses such as smell and touch.

These symptoms are things people may experience from time to time, but for most people will not be considered severe enough to receive a diagnosis or require treatment.

Well, life is cruel isn't it? I love the ability to cook and bake stuff. Have a mind fulfilled with new ideas and be curious and vigilant to my surroundings, from different perspective view the world. Honestly I know that a few days ago I could sleep day and night, I was fed up and so bored, and now for two or three days I am energetic and active, with ability to lay in bed all day and not falling asleep, to stay awake till late and then sleep 4 - 5 hours at night. If feels good and it is fulfilling.Though there is a bad bit, very bad bit - rage.


    Rage is the best friend and the worse enemy. I just feel like I am tied up by my anger. That anger is MY dark side which wants to get out of me, but is unable to because I still got some power over it at least at times. I am still strong enough to fight it, and  somehow control it a little bit sometimes. But most of the times it is bad, so bad that I even feel bad when I realise what had happened.


So what is wrong with me then? Or maybe everything is about right. Well I shall find out.
xoxo

Anger and irratybility

I was taking my LO to school yesterday and had a weird flashback, I had seen 2 girls walking to school . Their age was maybe 11 , they were having the shoulder messenger bags on them , one pink and one blue. I looked at the bags walking just behind them and it hit me, this feeling when I was scared for some reason, I felt very anxious, and worried for some reason. Then I reminded myself that when I was like 12 I got a messenger bag from my mother, who was living in Brussels at this time , and send us a package with bits for new school year. I got a bag which was blue and pink, like those two bags of those girls, I had a one bag which was a mix of those two. I am not sure why I remembered that. I remember feeling kind of weird all over my body, with the overwhelming anxiety.

Today and yesterday I was so angry, I kept harassing physically my husband , just punching and hitting him without a reason. I had an angry outbursts of rage towards him, my son and myself, which were hard to handle. I shouted again at my son, he just doesn't want to listen, if he would do what I had asked him to do I wouldn't shout at him. But he is stubborn and he tries me , and then I blow out and shout at him, and he gets scared. But why he doesn't learn from that experience and still tries me . I had cut myself just because I felt so unsettled , what I felt was like I had so much of an energy inside  me for the last few days. It felt like it was so overwhelming and I wasn't able to control my emotions and feelings, and I just snapped , with a knife in my hand . I cut once, twice three times and it felt good , I rid of the emotions , I cut them out and then a few more times, just not to feel. Feelings are so hard to handle, they cause so much inside pain, they makes me unsettled , they makes me angry. Temporarily my feelings got sorted but after a while they returned and this is such a bad circle.

I have panic attacks again , they are coming up at the day time now, they are very mild as it is just difficulty breathing, nothing like high blood pressure or oxygen deficiency. I am coping quiet well with that.
I had finished my study and I got my certificate and now I just have to write the letters to the best companies in the area and hope that someone will offer a job or a few hours a week as a voluntary job placement.

I have psychiatric assessment coming up on Friday and guess what , I am frightened. I don't know what to expect , how long it will last, and  what the psychiatrist will ask me about. Daaa , so scary.And I am going to work after that , which makes me anxious now, as I don't know how I would feel , I know I might be very fragile after the assessment and that's scares me. Well I have to hope for the best.


xoxo

addition to the previous post "bit of BPD"

So I thought of emptiness and I must say yes I feel empty , this was the feeling I wasn't sure about. I didn't know how good or bad this is. Now I know.
Considering all pron and cons , the emptiness feels awful  This is the kind of feeling you haven't got , but as well you know that it is there, close to you watching every step and making sure you are not alone . The kind of feeling when you can not think because you feel like there is nothing inside your head and then you feel like your soul had disappeared and is no where to be found.
Now I realized what is that emptiness and not boredom.
Feeling empty is the feeling which squizzes your throat and makes you feel attacked, the feeling so overwhelming that you are not able to do anything. I know now how bad it is to feel the emptiness.

Taking into consideration other bad feelings , emptiness is the worse one because I am unable to deal with that feeling myself. It has to pass all by itself, that is so strange. This feeling makes you feel like you don't exist, like you are not living nor existing. This feels like you are all by yourself and that you are completely numb, the feelings are turned off , you don't feel pain either.

It is bad, the numbness, emptiness, lacking thoughts, non existing , thats how emptiness feels.

xoxo

bit of BPD

As I have no idea what is really wrong with me I thought I will give you a detailed example for BPD and next time Bipolar disorder . There will be some quotes from this website: http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/understading-bpd/a-bpd-brief/ ,
as well as my own experience examples and real events which can be perceived as BPD.




“For a patient to be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, he or she must experience 5 out of the 9 criteria as set forth in the DSM-IV TR.
Establishing the diagnosis is complicated by the fact that the presence of many of these criteria fluctuates. Here is a more detailed explanation of these symptoms:




Abandonment Fears. These fears should be distinguished from the more common and less severe phenomena of separation anxiety. The perception of impending separation or rejection, or the loss of external structure, can lead to profound changes in the BPD patient’s self-image, affect, cognition, and behaviour. Individuals with BPD are interpersonally hypersensitive and may experience intense abandonment fears and inappropriate anger even when faced with criticisms or time-limited separations. These abandonment fears are related to an intolerance of being alone and a need to have other people with them. Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment may include impulsive actions such as self-injurious or suicidal behaviours. It was originally postulated that fear of abandonment developed as a result of failures in a child’s development during the rapprochement phase (from age one-and-a-half to two-and-a-half). However, empirical evidence has not borne this out.”




My experience of fearing abandonment are very common to people who are close to me , people I trust or just think I trust, people who are not exactly my loved once but the people I am surrounded with.

1. The store manager- The man I have a great faith in as well as trust , I believe he is a man of a word and that he genuinely care, in some way I can say I love him. Then there is this intense jealousy , which takes my mind and soul, I feel cheated and let down , and it is just because he is laughing with another member of staff. Then I want him to be acting this way with me. I feel angry and in so much pain , my chest is heavy and I can’t stop thinking about it, even after he will come over to say something or approach me for any reason I will act like I don’t care, but I really do. I suffer as he then acts very distant with me , and I want him to behave silly with me as well, so jealous.




2. Co worker , name her J – when she talks to me and I see that she engages with me on different levels I love it , I dearly love her smile and the way she talks, but I hate that she talks to other people. The hurtful thing is when she talks to A, he is handsome and loves to talk with her. I know she even considered to have sex with him . I am very jealous when I see them two talking to each other.




3. My therapist , when she says to me “ I am afraid that we have to finish now “ on our sessions. I get frustrated and down when we have to finish , I hate that I hate when we finish , and I am so unhappy about it. I am sure that most people are, just because you are unable to finish your thoughts, then again on the next visit you are unable to continue with the subject from the last session. It irritates me so much and make me very upset, but I am not showing that to her as I don’t want to be judged. Though one day when I was leaving the other person was coming over , I have met him at the door and felt so awkward.




4. When I was in the relationship with my then boyfriend ( now my husband ), I hated when his friends were constantly around. I hated them , why they are coming over like always, every day , that was so unfair, I wanted to have him all to myself, just him and me. Still now when we are going home and when he meets with his friends I get angry , but I am not saying anything, I tell him that I don’t mind him seeing his friends as this is only like a few times a year. But it hurts me a lot , and I feel jealous.




“Unstable, Intense Relationships. Individuals with BPD are frequently unable to see significant others (i.e., potential sources of care or protection) as other than idealized (if gratifying), or devalued (if not gratifying). This is often referred to as “black and white thinking,” and in psychological terms, reflects the construct of “splitting.” When anger initially intended toward a loved one is experienced as dangerous, it gets “split” off to preserve the loved one’s goodness. Relationship instability is thought to be a symptom of early insecure attachment characterized by both fearful distrust and needy dependency.”




1. As before see the note about the store manager, I hate him dearly when he is not behaving as I expect him, and then I love him when he pays attention to me.




2. I love my husband very much, but when he doesn’t do what I asked him to or hesitate with whatever I expect him to do, I immediately get very angry and I can shout out loud how much I hate him.




3. At work I have K., another team leader, when she is nice to me I feel like I like her so much, but when she is nasty to me I sincerely hate her .





“Identity Disturbance. The disorder of self which is specific to borderline patients is characterized by a distorted, unstable or weak self-image. Borderline patients often have values, habits, and attitudes which are dominated by whomever they are with. The interpersonal context in which these identity problems get magnified is thought to begin with not learning to identify one’s feeling states and the motives behind one’s behaviour.”




I don’t think I have any of that , but I might be mistaken. Well I still have the time to find it out.




“Impulsivity. The impulsivity of the borderline individual has been frequently self-damaging, in its effects if not in its intentions. This differs from impulsivity found in other disorders such as manic/hypomanic or antisocial disorders. Common forms of impulsive behaviour for borderline patients are substance or alcohol abuse, bulimia, unprotected sex, promiscuity, and reckless driving.”




1. Binge eating

2. Bulimia

3. Spending sprees




“Suicide or Self-injurious behaviours. Recurrent suicidal attempts, gestures, threats, or self-injurious behaviours are the hallmark of the borderline patient. The criterion is so prototypical of persons with BPD that the diagnosis rightly comes to mind whenever recurrent self-destructive behaviours are encountered. Self-destructive acts often start in early adolescence and are usually precipitated by threats of separation or rejection or by expectations that the BPD patient assume unwanted responsibilities. The presence of this pattern assists the diagnosis of concurrent BPD in patients whose presenting symptoms are depression or anxiety.”




1. Cutting

2. Scratching

3. Pinching

4. Hitting

5. Smacking
6. Gnashing of teeth




“Affective (Emotional) Instability. Early clinical observers noted the intensity, volatility and range of the borderline patient’s emotions. It was originally proposed that borderline emotional instability involved the same problems of affective irregularity found in persons with mood disorders, particularly depression and bipolar disorder. It is now known that although individuals with BPD display marked affective instability (i.e., intense episodic depression, unrest, anger, panic, or despair), these mood changes usually last only a few hours, and that the underlying dysphoric mood is rarely relieved by periods of well-being or satisfaction. These episodes may reflect the individual’s extreme reactivity to stress, particularly interpersonal ones and a neurobiologically-based inability to regulate emotions.”




1. I get upset very easily, if someone will ignore me or if I will have a bad dream this will affect me. When I get to work my mood changes directly, it depends with who I am so I will be in a good or bad mood, I will feel settled or anxious, I will be sad or happy. My emotions are changing with or without a trigger as I watch TV , hear the music it brings all the different feelings.




“Emptiness. Chronic emptiness, described as a visceral feeling, usually felt in the abdomen or chest, plagues the borderline patient. It is not boredom, nor is it a feeling of existential anguish. This feeling state is associated with loneliness and neediness. Sometimes their experience is considered an emotional state and sometimes it is considered a state of deprivation”




I am uncertain if I feel this kind of emptiness , although there are times I feel the emptiness.




Anger. The anger of the borderline patient may be due to temperamental excess (a genetic vulnerability) or a longstanding response to excessive frustration (an environmental cause). Whether the cause is genetic or environmental, many individuals with BPD report feeling angry much of the time, even when the anger is not expressed overtly. Anger is often elicited when an intimate or caregiver is seen as neglectful, withholding, uncaring, or abandoning. Expressions of anger are often followed by shame and contribute to a sense of being evil.

I feel angry very often and sometimes the smallest thing can make me furious. The last big angry outburst was when K., at work, lied about me , she called a deputy while I was on my way to the department as she tannoy me , and I overheard her saying that : Fay left the department and went to the warehouse , who knows for how long. The truth was that I left another colleague to take care of the customer service desk and checkouts. Well I angrily confronted her and told her not to lie because I have left a person in charge when I went away.

“Psychotic-like Perpetual Distortions (Lapses in Reality Testing). Borderline patients can experience dissociation symptoms: feeling unreal or that the world is unreal. These symptoms are associated with other disorders, such as schizophrenia and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), but in those with BPD the symptoms generally are of short duration, at most, a few days, and often occur during situations of extreme stress. Borderline patients also can be unrealistically self-conscious, believing that others are critically looking at or talking about them. These lapses of reality in the BPD patient may also be distinguished from other pathologies in that generally the ability to correct their distortions of reality with feedback remains intact.”




1. I have feelings of detachment from reality , I feel like I am but I am not, at this same time.

2. I have panic attacks which come from nowhere and last different durations , but no longer than an hour

3. I feel like people are gossiping about me , not good things, and like they just are being cruel that way.

xoxo

Psychiatric assessment

I got my assessment date with community mental health team psychiatrist and psychologist , it will be the Friday 22 of march. I feel scared that they will find that there is more to the way I am behaving than I ever thought it is . On the other hand I will appreciate if they just would tell me that I have depression and anxiety and that there is a simple cure to that. I will be glad if it will go smoothly as I don't want to wait for ages , as you usually have to, and I hope they will be able to sort it out the anxiety attacks, and I will rid of them finally. I am so interested of the way they will do it, and what will be the outcome.

xoxo

Am I becoming delusional? I said before that I love my job, and the store manager is such a lovely man with big heart, considering, and fair. But hold on , now I am getting the feeling like I am getting jealous of him, like when he talks to other people I got thoughts, like - why he is laughing? - why he is joking with someone, - why he doesn't talk to me. Especially i got jealous or angry if he have a laugh with a woman or someone who I hate , and then the whole situation affects me. I hate him, I feel cheated , I have this weird disappointing  feeling which makes me aware of those delusions. On the other side I work very hard , for some reason, to make HIM proud?! I don't understand that I treat him like a father at times , and sometimes I want him as a lover, I would like to have a closer relationship with him. I feel weird , as I feel for some reason I need him so much in my life, but the feelings I have for him are not normal. Today I get to the point that I would rather try to find a different job , than stay in current one. Because of those strange feelings. I got upset with him, and I won't speak to him if I feel hurt, or ignored and I know when he is not in mood, so then I will avoid him as well. I just constantly think of him at work , when he is in the store. It is bad and unprofessional , and I can not stop my feelings which annoys me even more.

I just feel so weird about that.

xoxo