elderly man

When I was 17 or so I went to the park with a school friend, before our practice which we had in the store. We have been approached by some elderly man he was over 60 I think , he was asking if we would want to come over for a drink , we refused. I don’t remember how it happened I only know that I actually started to visit him in his flat. I was visiting him every so often and we had  sex , it was disgusting . I am thinking why I was doing it and cannot really think of any logical reason, maybe I’m just so disgusting that I have some sexual urgency to have an intercourse with an older man, he was over 40 years older than me, and now thinking about it I don’t understand why I was doing it. Although now I still fancy elderly man.

There were few older men in my life which I will tell you about later.

Pain

Great, another week passed by, and I still haven't got another job. I have to get together and just apply for anything interesting. I feel so down that I possibly could murder myself. I feel so useless and low, I feel sick in my stomach and so tired. My head feels massive and thoughts are crazy, I just had a thought today how it could be to ask someone to change your life. I mean people tend to ask if they can do something to help you out, to take a bit of the stress off your shoulders, or some say I will do anything to help. If I will tell them to kill me, they will straight away think I'm completely nuts, and that they won't be able to do it coz they love me. How often I heard that, ppl tend to think that their judgmental opinion after they listen to you is helpful to you. Just because for them it's so easy to say and do what they say doesn't mean it help you. It makes me fuming and so angry as you try to talk to someone and they think they know best, such an ignorance, their behavior is worse than mine at least I'm trying to understand others. How much pain can I take? I already had a new tattoo done a couple of piercings and my hair dyed 4 times since last month and this isn't helping. It helped me before, so I thought it might now , but it didn't. I scream in my head, I kill people in my head, I punish them in my head, it is like someone else is inside me and someone else outside. I cry from pain inside, but outside I would laugh, I scream and shout inside but I am calm outside, I feel such a tension in my muscles and want to punch things and I don't do it. It feels that they are 2 Hope , one inside- hidden, angry, sad, in pain, always thinking, the head full of mess. And there is second Hope who has a mask all the time, feel inside pain but doesn't show that ask me how I am I will answer fine, I forget things especially when they hurt me in any way, I don't recall them which is bad coz I know that I have been hurt but cannot remember why. I feel used and sad but usually I will put my make up on do my hair and pretend nothing happened. O well I'm just tired of all that and I think ending my life would be a relief, but on the other hand I have my son to look after and love him so much and I would miss him dearly if I won't be with him.