ble uh, fed up

I'm so bloody anxious , that's because I haven't heard from none of the jobs I had interview for . They said they would reply till friday and they didn't. I am angry and that's because I wasn't good enough for them to offer me the job. Having such a hope for a new job and I thought that I did well, suprise I haven't. It is upseting and dissapointing. I'm tired of myself.

I feel so weird it is like, deep down, I know I still have a chance for the job and the more concious me feels like I lost it already. I constantly think about it and can not really stop. I think that I was to ugly for the job or that my english wasn't good enough or that they didn' like my personality or the answers for the questions they had werent good enough or all of the above. I feel lost, as I don't acctually know how I feel. That's so annoying coz I am so confused and I don't undorstand much of the feelings I have at the moment. I feel tired and sad, my mind is playing me again. I think how uselless I feel and how pathetic I am. I want to sleep, like, forever. Though I havent't got an email that they don't want me either. GRRY annoyed, and dont know what to think, I can not be more patient as I am patient as I can be at the moment. I want to scream , I'm tired.

I think about my nana I loved her so much, I think with everythink I had go through my life I loved her even when I thought I hated her. There is my grate aunt which I love as much as well, and my dad. I think of nana recently, she passed away 3 years ago. I miss her, just her tiny figure and her eyes and hands and how she called my name. I was her favorite, and only granddaughter, until her dementia took over and she started to be confused and at times she hurt me very badly. She accused me of stealing things from her which I honestly  didn't take. I did stole money from her but not then when she accused me of. I miss her and love her so much.

I want to cry, I am so useless. I just can not believe how I survived till now. Now I am unable to kill myself even if I want to. The motivation to live is my little son who I love more than anything in this world.

Compleatly mixed up, confused and lost.

:) / :(

Creation in my mind

The sadness of every day

The pain I feel inside 

The rage and bruised hands

Those cuts on legs are nothing 

Compare to hurting soul

The thouts race through my head

Will they stop at all?

I cry my heart out but there are no tears

It's anger which consuming me

The bloody mind is playing me 

The dream so weird and sad 

Those people in my dream 

Their pain is mine

Leave me alone and don't go away

I don't want you near me 

But I want you to be here

I'm like two magnets with opposite poles

It troubles me so much and it doesn't at all

I'm happy 

I'm putting my mask on and play the role 

The life story

The real me, inside, hidden and scared 

Who has outbursts of anger, and anxiety so deep

With troubled mind and the blade in my hand 

I write the story about my life.

Is that me ?

Those are like two different people

But I am only one

with my two different lives

feeling better

I had moved to the other store , still working for this same company though. I feel like my life escapes through my fingers, I still don't feel like I'm fully living my life it is so bizarre. I wish it could be different, so still looking for work. Lately I feel much better , my moods are kind a stable, and I don't get angry as much actually at all. I think I'm getting better feels like recovery, I had a period of time that I couldn't sleep , now I have the thing that I would sleep constantly. For the whole of my life I had a light sleep, I could wake up when I heard something and now I just sleep through the night and even alarm clock won't wake me up!




I feel tense like there is something inside me and it want to escape and it can't, I feel and hear the screaming in my head. I can not really describe that and it feels so weird. It is like small me in my head screaming, shouting and want to escape from my head. On the outside I am calm and patient, without those moments of uncontrollable anger and frustration. I get upset, yes, but I manage to control this behavior and not letting it control me which is good.

I still have those persistent thoughts of self harm , I still cut my legs, even if I will postpone it - I usually clean , tidy up or try to do other things so I won't self harm - I will do it anyway. It makes me upset because my son can see it and will ask what happened and I just feel so bad for lying to him, I try to wear something so he won't see it. But if he is joining me in the morning when I'm still asleep, and when my hubby goes to work, he is able to see it. This makes me sad but on the other hand it is like air for me - I need it, I need a cut and pain, I need to harm myself - didn't figure it out why yet, but I feel like this is needed for my existence, that's just sad. I really want to cut my arms and somehow I still manage not to do that, but it is so tempting , and because of that I cut my legs as well just not to do it on my arms. I don't want my scars and cuts to be visible to others although I have a few cuts here and there on my arms and wrist but It's very random and I don't think anyone would think that those cuts or scars were made by me. Maybe only those on my wrist but here you have to get a closer look on that to see it. I use sudocream whenever I cut, for my scars not to be visible as much and apple vinegar to make them lighter. So I take care of them, I just wish I could stop making them. That would be great.




I am playing my other role now, as I'm working in new store I have to blend in. It will be hard but I already feel at home, how strange, in the previous store I worked for almost 2 years and haven't felt accepted. Here just a couple of days and it feels so nice. I'm so different and so similar to the old me. I think I need to be different whatever suit me and others.