rage and hunger

I think I am raging lately I binge a lot  more than before, and then I feel guilty and then I punish myself. I don't actually see the point in that, but I am doing it. I know it is wrong, as wrong as not eating, but actually if I wouldn't eat will be better for me, I wouldn't waste the food neither money spend on it. My son get really frightened when I shout at him, he cries, but he doesn't listen when I ask him to do something, and then my patience ends and I am like a Vulcan, I blow out with such an anger and then, I am sorry and I am ashamed and I hate it. I don't understand the way it is but I know that the feeling of anger is so overwhelming that I cannot control it at all. I know inside that my behaviour is bad , but I am unable to stop it and I know I will be regreting it shortly after. My moods are really showing off as well I can go from one extreme to another in a matter of minutes. Which is really bad and makes me uncomfortable. I can get tired in a moment so bad that I feel like I will fall asleep standing. I can get really hyper and start doing a lot of things, or just occupy myself to keep going. I get frustrated and it makes me unhappy I would rather don't care about things so I will have peace of mind, but no, I am a challenging person . I feel like going on a diet and eating less and loosing weight is helping my confidence like everyone anyway. I just want to be more focus on my goal I want to be more determined, like you see throughout the weekend I haven't lost any weight I think it was because I binge so much and purge. I think I had gained like 2ib over 2 days. I crave chocolate, and curry. This makes me sad because I really want to achieve the goal of my weight loss and I crave and binge and eat, eat, eat. Where instead of eating I should just drink water or green tea, or anything to cheat my stomach and my cravings. I want it to stop, I want to be able to lose weight I want to be able to control my anger, I want to be patient and set an example to my little man. But I am not doing it , and this makes me very frustrated, I have to punish myself because I am not achieving the target as I want to. I need to concentrate more on the goal, try to be more patient, stop binging, eat less, exercise more. I am working today so it shouldn't be so bad as I don't like to eat at work as I got heavy and lazy, and I hate to be lazy because the time doesn't go when you are not doing anything.

 

I just need to achieve everything I thought of

BTW it is how I looked with weight 115kg    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

:) / :(

Creation in my mind

The sadness of every day

The pain I feel inside 

The rage and bruised hands

Those cuts on legs are nothing 

Compare to hurting soul

The thouts race through my head

Will they stop at all?

I cry my heart out but there are no tears

It's anger which consuming me

The bloody mind is playing me 

The dream so weird and sad 

Those people in my dream 

Their pain is mine

Leave me alone and don't go away

I don't want you near me 

But I want you to be here

I'm like two magnets with opposite poles

It troubles me so much and it doesn't at all

I'm happy 

I'm putting my mask on and play the role 

The life story

The real me, inside, hidden and scared 

Who has outbursts of anger, and anxiety so deep

With troubled mind and the blade in my hand 

I write the story about my life.

Is that me ?

Those are like two different people

But I am only one

with my two different lives

so my doc told me to go on diet

I feel exhausted physically and mentally drained, I went to see my doc on Monday and told him how I feel and that my mind doesn't help me much and that I am freaking out as I'm trying to lose weight and not loosing anything. So I had asked him for an orlistad as it helped me before, he said because I'm binging and purging, in his opinion I have bulimia, and the medication won't help here . He told me to walk every day and signed up with the nurse who is helping people to lose weight. So I booked appointment with her , although I didn't go to that appointment, as I know no one is able to make me go on a diet. This has to come from me and that's why I know if I won't set my mind myself no one is able to help me with that. I had started to walk though, but I am so curious for how long, as I got bored very easily and taking the bus to work is the lazy solution for me. And even when I am bored it is just the thing to do, if I want to or not. Taking into consideration my moods and how bored I can become, I don't think going on a diet will help me much, as I know I need to commit and I'm afraid of commitment. I had committed to 3 main things at the moment and cannot take more as I know , or I'm afraid that I won't be able to do that.

I'm committed to my job, to the voluntary job I will be doing from next week and obviously to my family, mainly needs of my son, as he is the most important person in my life.

My doc said that my medication can not cause my tiredness or insomnia at times , but I don't want to believe that. I know some people who read this blog have more experience with the medication they are taking than he does. I havent written that I had a really weird feeling one day at work , I felt like my world is spinning it wasn't dizziness though, it felt like I see everything from the point of view of someone who is watching everything from a different perspective. It felt like in a dream you see everything around you, you hear people and you talk to them but it's not like you are there. I felt very weird, It is very hard to describe, it lasted for 30 minutes or more and then it's gone away without a trace. I felt like I wasn't at work, I felt like I am observing others from a different perspective, from different world. Very strange. I told the doc about it and he said, because it was a first time then he won't do anything about it and he doesn't know why this had happened , but when I asked him if it was maybe my medication he dismissed my idea. Oh well I think that they really doesn't know much about it do they? As a GP they arent wello trained in particular subject the know genneraly what med to give people and are afraid t diagnose enything. Even with sore throat they will give you an antibiotic and say that you have a chest infection without even telling you where exactly, like bronchitis or pneumonia or whatever.

So thinking how tired I am at times or the sleeplessness or oversleeping , binge eating, purging, not eating, working long days, cleaning or not cleaning at all, and being terribly bored with everything, mood swings and overwhelming sadness, self harm, self abuse, lacking energy and very hyper at times, avoiding people and wanting the company of others . So all that plus college, job, family and lack of interest in doing things makes me wonder how I suppose to concentrate on dieting? It isn't easy as my doc thinks it is. That's not something as easy as writing an essay, Hmmm, just feeling trapped and hopeless. If I could only stop eating completely then I will lose some weight, but how to convince myself? As even when I don't eat during the day I will wake up at night and eat whatever is easy and available, so being half asleep and eating doesn't work when you want to lose weight. How useless.