Truly I want to thank you all for reading this blog, as I am then
aware that I am not alone and that people feel similar or even this same way as
I do. For that and for the comments left big THANK YOU XXX.
Yesterday I have
seen my therapist A. I told her everything about my worries and that I have
more stress because of the illness of my parents and my brother's family - they
constantly have chest infections and bronchitis, what is worse that most of the
year 1.5 year old and 3 year old boy is ill. This makes me very upset as why a
child has to go through so much. I told her about SHE - which you met in a
previous post, and that I am so angry at my GP as she doesn't trust me. I have
asked her to have psychiatric assessment , to find out what is really wrong
with me. It is a year now from the time I had gone to the doctors in relation
to anxiety and stress , and I had seen people regarding that. Although there is
more to the stress, depression, anxiety, overeating, binging, dieting, self
harming, anger, rage and abuse. I wasn't just ready to tell her about my pain,
my fighting thoughts, my racing thoughts, that I had been addicted to sex
especially with man who were older than me , way older. That I spend the money
I haven't got, that I hurt people who are the closest to me . That I am this
scared and sad little person in one moment, and in a matter of minutes I can
become cheerful and very active .
I told her that I
want the assessment by a psychiatrist, and she asked me why?
I said - My
therapist told me that she thinks I am bipolar and that it is worth to check
it,
GP- can you give
me her phone number so I can talk to her?
Me - I
haven't got on me but I will call the surgery and I will leave it for you.
Why did she
question that, I wouldn't ask for something if I was convinced that she is able
to help me. But now she questioned it, and how possibly I can trust her now? I
will see her today and what should I do just make it plain and just give her
everything what I have on my plate?
On the other hand
I don't trust her, how could I trust someone who doesn't trust me?
Another thing is
that A. actually told me yesterday to tell her everything , but I know I
somehow did tell her briefly about all the symptoms , but I think she didn't
even consider to help.
Many people are
aware that if you self harm they will stick on your label of attention seekers.
And to surprise all I will agree here, I wasn't before. But today I thought to
cut my veins open so I will be taken to the hospital , and then they might put
me for the psychiatric assessment. But what will happen if it will be too late?
I self harm and I don't agree that I am an attention seeker here, as I cut the
places no one could see, I have bruises on my body but no one can see them either,
I am abusing myself sexually and no one has even an idea what I can do to
myself. But taking into consideration cutting my wrists and having to go to the
hospital , yes, that is attention seeking as no one want's to really help. This
is crying for help, bringing attention that I asked for help and nobody helped
me. I know it sounds weird and confusing, even I feel confused now. But this is
how I personally see it. The worst and scariest thing in all that is that I
might die, and I don't want to die.
Well I am tired
and frustrated, and the worse thing is that I had changed so many doctors
during this year and I thought that she is the ONE for me. But is she now? I
haven't got the power to look for another GP, it is a waste of time and effort.
