Anger and irratybility

I was taking my LO to school yesterday and had a weird flashback, I had seen 2 girls walking to school . Their age was maybe 11 , they were having the shoulder messenger bags on them , one pink and one blue. I looked at the bags walking just behind them and it hit me, this feeling when I was scared for some reason, I felt very anxious, and worried for some reason. Then I reminded myself that when I was like 12 I got a messenger bag from my mother, who was living in Brussels at this time , and send us a package with bits for new school year. I got a bag which was blue and pink, like those two bags of those girls, I had a one bag which was a mix of those two. I am not sure why I remembered that. I remember feeling kind of weird all over my body, with the overwhelming anxiety.

Today and yesterday I was so angry, I kept harassing physically my husband , just punching and hitting him without a reason. I had an angry outbursts of rage towards him, my son and myself, which were hard to handle. I shouted again at my son, he just doesn't want to listen, if he would do what I had asked him to do I wouldn't shout at him. But he is stubborn and he tries me , and then I blow out and shout at him, and he gets scared. But why he doesn't learn from that experience and still tries me . I had cut myself just because I felt so unsettled , what I felt was like I had so much of an energy inside  me for the last few days. It felt like it was so overwhelming and I wasn't able to control my emotions and feelings, and I just snapped , with a knife in my hand . I cut once, twice three times and it felt good , I rid of the emotions , I cut them out and then a few more times, just not to feel. Feelings are so hard to handle, they cause so much inside pain, they makes me unsettled , they makes me angry. Temporarily my feelings got sorted but after a while they returned and this is such a bad circle.

I have panic attacks again , they are coming up at the day time now, they are very mild as it is just difficulty breathing, nothing like high blood pressure or oxygen deficiency. I am coping quiet well with that.
I had finished my study and I got my certificate and now I just have to write the letters to the best companies in the area and hope that someone will offer a job or a few hours a week as a voluntary job placement.

I have psychiatric assessment coming up on Friday and guess what , I am frightened. I don't know what to expect , how long it will last, and  what the psychiatrist will ask me about. Daaa , so scary.And I am going to work after that , which makes me anxious now, as I don't know how I would feel , I know I might be very fragile after the assessment and that's scares me. Well I have to hope for the best.


xoxo