ble uh, fed up

I'm so bloody anxious , that's because I haven't heard from none of the jobs I had interview for . They said they would reply till friday and they didn't. I am angry and that's because I wasn't good enough for them to offer me the job. Having such a hope for a new job and I thought that I did well, suprise I haven't. It is upseting and dissapointing. I'm tired of myself.

I feel so weird it is like, deep down, I know I still have a chance for the job and the more concious me feels like I lost it already. I constantly think about it and can not really stop. I think that I was to ugly for the job or that my english wasn't good enough or that they didn' like my personality or the answers for the questions they had werent good enough or all of the above. I feel lost, as I don't acctually know how I feel. That's so annoying coz I am so confused and I don't undorstand much of the feelings I have at the moment. I feel tired and sad, my mind is playing me again. I think how uselless I feel and how pathetic I am. I want to sleep, like, forever. Though I havent't got an email that they don't want me either. GRRY annoyed, and dont know what to think, I can not be more patient as I am patient as I can be at the moment. I want to scream , I'm tired.

I think about my nana I loved her so much, I think with everythink I had go through my life I loved her even when I thought I hated her. There is my grate aunt which I love as much as well, and my dad. I think of nana recently, she passed away 3 years ago. I miss her, just her tiny figure and her eyes and hands and how she called my name. I was her favorite, and only granddaughter, until her dementia took over and she started to be confused and at times she hurt me very badly. She accused me of stealing things from her which I honestly  didn't take. I did stole money from her but not then when she accused me of. I miss her and love her so much.

I want to cry, I am so useless. I just can not believe how I survived till now. Now I am unable to kill myself even if I want to. The motivation to live is my little son who I love more than anything in this world.

Compleatly mixed up, confused and lost.

BPD person can't work?!

I just had a thought about work.

I had read somewhere before when someone wrote, I don't recall if it was someone's blog or random feedback about our great NHS service. Anyway, the person wrote that she said to her doctor that she might be BPD and he almost laughed in her face, saying that she wouldn't be able to hold a full time job if she would have Borderline Personality Disorder.

 Thinking of that I got really angry, truth is I have never been diagnosed with BPD, but there are those things which help to diagnose the condition they are as follows:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment - I don't have close relationships with people as I feel that they will leave me and that it will hurt me, I keep everyone in the distance. I left my boyfriends before they were able to do that, I will frighten my husband that I will divorce him.

2. Pattern of unstable and intense relationships, alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation - so here I am, loving my senior manager thinking how great he is and smart and all that , and the next day I hate him , he is the most annoying worthless person I know. He is in my eyes arrogant, hypocrite, useless as a manager, lack of people skills, not to mention that he is so selfish. The other day I said that he is brilliant, and so on. So alternating.

3. Identity disturbance markedly and persistently unstable self image or sense of self - now this is difficult, I don't really know my identity, my self esteem depends on the situation I'm in. I will act, for the whole my life I was different in school, different with friends, different with family. Now it is this same whatever my surroundings I will match myself with the situation or people I am with, like a Kameleon changing color.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas which are self damaging- let say spending money which I don't have, binge eating, purging, stealing (yes, I have the urge to take things from shops, those are small items doesn't cost much but I would rather take them than pay for them, although I have the money to pay for it), tattoos, piercings.

5. Reoccurring suicidal behavior, gestures , threats of self injuring behaviors - scratching, object insertion, hitting myself, pulling hair, beating myself with objects.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood - my day as an example: woke up happy @ 6am, 8am felt anxious and couldn't stop the feeling of fear. 9.30am got upset for no reason, fell very low and harm myself, 10.30am started to tidy up, need to keep busy so I won't self harm. 13pm sit down to write on the blog feeling peaceful and calm. Still calm and very clear in my mind and its13:58.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness - numb, worthless, don't care, no plans for future, hollow inside .

8. Transient , stress related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms - yes, wanted to leave my job millions of times because of people, I felt like everyone is watching me, talking about me, don't like me. 

9. Inappropriate anger or difficulty to control anger - Huge difficult to control anger, I just sometimes cannot cope , then I scream and shout and throw things, I will hit, slap, smack, scratch and do all the things that make my muscle relax. When I'm angry I grind my teeth and my muscle are very tense, and I feel like I will blow out in a second. This makes me angry as well and it is like a hell circle, my anger makes me more angry and when I'm angry I feel like dying, I feel completely empty, lonely and so bloody sad and tense and cannot control that. But at work, when I got angry I argue because I know if I will hit someone this would be  extreme, never got to this point.

So you can work and have those all symptoms showing that you are actually borderline, I work 32 hours a week. I feel good with that as I am more in control when I work , although I hate my job. So I don't understand how doctors or any other mental health professionals can say you can't work. I am living example of a person who finds work helpful. Even when I'm highly depressed and I don't feel like even getting out of bed I will make myself get out, get dressed , put my make up on, and be at work on time. I think it just depends on your abilities, there are definitely some people who can't work as its impossible for them but there are some like me who need work to keep going. Besides when I don't work I don't put my make up , I stay in bed longer, I don't bother to dress as wearing anything at home is good. So working makes me more able to live, not only exist.

Madness in my head , thoughts racing and I feel lost.

I try the 3rd time to write, I try to concentrate and make sense of my thoughts. Just to write how I feel and I don't know what to write. I'm sad and empty inside, I think about my son and hubby. I just had a thought that something will fell of the air, hit me and I will die, crazy. I had similar thoughts earlier, when I went shopping. On my way to the bus stop I thought that my boys are at home. I thought what will happened if they will die, when I'm away. What will I do? I will blame myself for living them and not taking them with me. I don't have idea from where those thoughts are coming from its justweird.

I dont understand my feelings, moods, preferences. I am sadistic,  I know music will cause me a kind of a  distress I will still listen to the songs which make me feel hurt. I will watch movies which will affect me.
I feel bad, I am fat and I ugly.
I want to stop feeling but I can't !
I want to scream !
I see my self shouting and braking things !
I mess my hair, I want to cry but there is no tears.

Do I live ? I feel like I exist but I don't live a life, which I want to live.
I love my boys XOXO

It hurts