fuck all

I woke up in a good mood, went to work in a good mood, then a bit of time passed by and I got really frustrated. I was so angry at some point that I wanted to go to the toilet and just cut and cut and cut. I haven't done it , good, but it was so scary to even think about it. Because whatever I think of I will have a clear picture of the actual situation, well so that was frightening.

I am knocked and I am awake at 5.30 am on sunday. Seriously,  there must be something really wrong with me , I went to bed at 1.30am after 12 hour shift  and I woke up around 4.30 am. So that's not a good sign.

xoxo

total turnaround

I am anxious and unable to think why, I just had a nap , at 9am!! daaaa, it's a bit weird. 5 minutes ago I realised that my chest hurts, I thought yes panic attack. Now I have difficulty breathing and caugh, my chest still hurts but not as much, I try not to think aboj tnit , but really how can you not?
I feel like not going to work today, just because I don't feel like going. On the other hand I feel energised and ready to roll, this panic attack annoys me. I hate when it happens, I feel exhausted, my stomach and my head hurts, I can not breath I feel hot and I want it to stop.
My god I feel so angry because of the attack and I don't feel like going to work. I am not tirednbut I would rather spend a day in bed .
I had a dream while having my nap, I dreamed about my husband brother who really doesn't talk to us nither the family in general. well it's a long story but there is a lot to do with his wife,  she had a power over him, now he saying that he doesn't have the money or the timento visit, well thats what he want letnit be.
I feel  tired in some way, and I don't want to do anything. My pannic attackmjust passed, it lasted 20 min. I should really see a doctor about it as it makes me so angry. Well but i dont trust those stupid doctors.

By the way it is very unusual as for me to wake up early ( 6am) and start baking danish pastries!

Yes that was so weird, I realise it after the fact when I started toprepare the dough and the ingridience which I needed for baking them. The most bizzare thing is I don't really like to cook , don't tell me about baking , I am really bad when it comes to that , so as you can see that was odd then my normal morning. I made a custard to go with danish and peaches in sirup. They are really tasety, mmmm. 

I think that I need to start diet again , as I feel so heavy , and that I make myself sick doesn't help. Right , I feel massive, then add me being bloated- or feeling it, than stomak cramps, and wind. So it is time to stop the binge and work very hard on stopping high food intake and start eating small portions often. Let see how it goes, I am positive, I really need it. I need to loose half of the weight I am now , and believe me I am massive 16.5 stone!!!! Aaaaaa, I didn't realise how bad it sounds until I had seein written in here. WOW :( SO BAD, SO VERY BAD!

Well I am going to work today, then through the weekend and monday and tuesday. I really doesn't want to go, ooooowwwww, I pity myself.
xoxo

Different

When I woke up today I frlt energised, in mood to move mountains. I had controlled my eating through the whole morning, and I even baked some croissants and a puff pasty dough , and made a nice custard cream to put in the pastry. I have made ampail of nice sweetmpancakes and I felt so happy. I realised that it is very hard for me to concentrate as I started to read about BPD , and then I realised I again think about compleatly different things while reading , so evrything I read justnwent out of my mind, well that's common.
I feel happy well kind of now, as I started to realise that it is another stage of ME. I would want to feel that way all the time, without a brake .
Xoxo

trust

So I am back, I had seen A. today and told her that I had received a letter with the appointment date and time for my psychiatric assessment. That the time didn't fit me at all as it was 9.30 am where at this time I could possibly be like a half way to the place of my destination, so I called them up and said that the time doesn't suit me. The lady told me that they will be in touch within a week if I don't hear from them until then, I should call them up. Fair enough, right.

We talked about trust today, I was really in the mood for insight conversation about how I feel recently. I have said that I don't trust the doctors and I am having return of panic attacks , as I had stopped mirtazepine, as it give me all the possible side effects including such a bad wind that you can not imagine :( so embarrassed.

So let's go back to the trust issues, so I said I am unable to go back to the doctors as they disappoint me so much, and I have lost the last hope when I had the bad interaction of the mirtazepine and I called the GP to call me back , she never did. I lost it then completely. Wow , right why do we pay for their services where their service is crap.

Any ways so go back to trust. I'm loosing it , I feel frightened and so disappointed  A. asked me if she have done anything to me so to feel like I can not trust her, no she hasn't , but all the doctors I had seen for the past year made me feel foolish. I feel like I wasted my time and effort by visiting them , and they weren't really able to help me. Now I had finally been referred for the assessment, although it is all thanks to A. as she called up my GP and told her about the concerns she had.

How weird is that I want to cut my arm just to see the blood coming out of it, I imagine a deep cut wound, and it's frighten me. For some reason I have this persistent thought in my mind for a few days now. It makes me feel anxious, but I know My LO is out of school for a week so he keeps me sane , as I don't wan't him to get scared, so I am pretty sure I won't harm myself while I am with him.

Trust had been always an issue with me , I say I trust but deep down in my mind I am so afraid that people will use my deepest secrets to hurt me. Like I said to A. today, you know so much about me , but I know nothing about you. Then she asked me why am I frightened , if there is anything in particular that had happened and it does have an impact on me. The only thought I had today was the GP , the thought of their failure to acknowledge me as a human being who really needs help. I hate them.

I told her that I fear and worry about things I can not even think of. I just have this strong weird feelings in my body, and at times it is really overwhelming.
A. mentioned as well that she realised that I don't finish what I was talking about, like she asks me if there is something in particular which affects my feeling, and I answered completely out of blue starting a totally new subject about dreams. She asked me if I know why I do that? I don't know I never thought of that. So I learned that I am like running away from the answers, and she pointed out that last time I told her like I feel that the session feels so unfinished for the first time.
She as well made me realise that I fear abandonment, and somehow, I feel like she had pointed out that I am afraid that she will abandon me , and that is where my trust issues lay.

We spoke about me being like 7 and have an afternoon nap wit my neighbors in their parents big soft bed, where sun was shining outside and it was very peaceful. There was me, my brother and the three neighbor children. I felt so good, the memory had put a smile on my face, and made me feel so good so warm inside. Then she asked me if I can describe my hose and I said it looks grey, plain, sad which was a total opposition to my neighbor house. I remember looking through the window, and it was so sunny and so nice I just loved it.

I told her about the panic attacks which are coming back and that they worry me so much , I am just afraid that they will start happening in the less expected moments and I am not sure how I would cope with that. It just freaking worries me.

And then the bloody overeating, massive amount of weight on my shoulders. I feel completely out of control, I am even unable to think the way I want to think, my mind feels blank, and plain. On the other hand I have so many different thoughts in my mind and can't concentrate on any of them.



I am tired.

XOXO