looser

Why it feels so weird?

I feel like I am in a movie kind of a thing. I feel like I look at everything from a perspective of a viewer.

I don't understand that, it makes me feel anxious it bring some weird memories back, which I am fully unable to put in place, I don't know why I feel that way. I feel worried and can't stop that feeling, On the other hand it is understandable because you can not work on something you don't understand.

It was pretty good, lazy day today. The bad thing is that I eat and eat and eat. I though I won't go to the toilet to throw out, I did it only once. Now I feel heavy and uncomfortable as I eat sandwiches and had tea, but I don't want to go and vomit all out. I feel tired and sad , my mind goes completely blank at times. I hate to be anxious and I don't like this worrying feeling in my chest. I wish I could change it , but can I?

I can probably with motivation and positive thinking, I should be able to pull it through, but do I want that ? On the other side? Maybe I meant to be worried and sad, with my mask on when facing people around me or when working.

I am ashamed of my mental problems and I don't discuss that with anyone. I don't feel comfortable to talk to people about it as I think they will think I am crazy. I don't want to be judged, it is enough that I make myself miserable at times because of all the feelings I have. I wish I could push the button and it will make everything so easy and simple. I can't and that's the problem, I am unable to take charge of my life, I am not in control and when I am realising that it makes me more frustrated and unhappy. Why I can not control my actions and behaviour at times, why I can not be in charge of my life? I am weak, very weak I give up a lot without any logical reason. When I was younger and prettier I was somehow in charge. I choose the people I meet on my way, I choose who I slept with and at times I felt so dirty and disgusting. I was behaving like a whore, sleeping with a man around. Not feeling any guilt, only at times I felt like this was wrong, I got paid for sex so many times. But on the other hand I needed the money, so this was kind of a solution for me. I am unable to do that now as my body is disgusting me, I have so many stretch marks all over and in such a weird place that I am ashamed to get naked in front of my husband, the other thing is that I am so bloody  fat that I hate to show that to others. Even if I want sometimes. I need to lose weight and if I will I will be more comfortable with myself , my confidence will improve and I might be able to go out and do things around. Why I am not determined enough? 

I feel odd, like I am in my own world, bad fantasy world when nothing goes as I planned. It is sad to even think about it. As no one even read those posts I am not even worried that I will have someone who knows me reading it . Never mind I just let the emotions out.  

rage and hunger

I think I am raging lately I binge a lot  more than before, and then I feel guilty and then I punish myself. I don't actually see the point in that, but I am doing it. I know it is wrong, as wrong as not eating, but actually if I wouldn't eat will be better for me, I wouldn't waste the food neither money spend on it. My son get really frightened when I shout at him, he cries, but he doesn't listen when I ask him to do something, and then my patience ends and I am like a Vulcan, I blow out with such an anger and then, I am sorry and I am ashamed and I hate it. I don't understand the way it is but I know that the feeling of anger is so overwhelming that I cannot control it at all. I know inside that my behaviour is bad , but I am unable to stop it and I know I will be regreting it shortly after. My moods are really showing off as well I can go from one extreme to another in a matter of minutes. Which is really bad and makes me uncomfortable. I can get tired in a moment so bad that I feel like I will fall asleep standing. I can get really hyper and start doing a lot of things, or just occupy myself to keep going. I get frustrated and it makes me unhappy I would rather don't care about things so I will have peace of mind, but no, I am a challenging person . I feel like going on a diet and eating less and loosing weight is helping my confidence like everyone anyway. I just want to be more focus on my goal I want to be more determined, like you see throughout the weekend I haven't lost any weight I think it was because I binge so much and purge. I think I had gained like 2ib over 2 days. I crave chocolate, and curry. This makes me sad because I really want to achieve the goal of my weight loss and I crave and binge and eat, eat, eat. Where instead of eating I should just drink water or green tea, or anything to cheat my stomach and my cravings. I want it to stop, I want to be able to lose weight I want to be able to control my anger, I want to be patient and set an example to my little man. But I am not doing it , and this makes me very frustrated, I have to punish myself because I am not achieving the target as I want to. I need to concentrate more on the goal, try to be more patient, stop binging, eat less, exercise more. I am working today so it shouldn't be so bad as I don't like to eat at work as I got heavy and lazy, and I hate to be lazy because the time doesn't go when you are not doing anything.

 

I just need to achieve everything I thought of

BTW it is how I looked with weight 115kg    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

weight loss

The Friday , the week before last I had chat with someone on fb , it happened that it was a total hoax - the person didn't exist. No worries though I learned to be careful, but agreed with The Person to take on a diet . And guess what I am doing it , although I still binge and purge. Like today total waste of food and money as everything what went in, come out this same way. Just because I binge I feel this burning feeling in my throat, it's uncomfortable and my stomach hurts, and I feel so full and just yuck. But back to the topic , so I have lost weight, as on Friday the 10th of august I weighed 115kg I dropped down to 110kg. I am amazed and cannot fully believe it. I am more determined now the only issue is that I binge. Tomorrow I will take money for a water to work and that's it, I will try to have a breakfast which will be shredded wheat 200calories and this should keep me going, than water through the day and some energy drinks - 150 Cal, when I finish work I might have a salad which will be 300 calls -because of a mayo and croutons, this salad makes me feel really full. I hope it will work for me .

I am in the place that I am afraid that this can transform to anorexia I don't want to be anorexic, no offence to anyone, I don't want to be  this bony as the girl on the picture.

Although I want to look like this girl, very pretty and thin as I want to be, I just hope I can keep it up . I need a motivated and tips how to cheat my cravings and hunger, I honestly hate to exercise but I have somehow physical work replenishing rollers with drinks. I do housework so I actually burn some calories. I need to lose at least 50kg, that is a long way ahead of me . If anyone wants to contribute to my goal please comment with any possible tips for not eating, not craving and cheating all the hunger feelings as much as possible. I will appreciate all comments and tips on that subject. I have to lose weight and it has to be as quick as possible.

On the other hand this is still ED so nevermind if I suffer of anorexia or bulimia , right? I just want to be slim, it is consuming my mind now.

thoughts

I am tired of life and being the person I am at times like now, I feel very low and fully consumed by the pain which is deep inside me. I want to run to the end of the world and I am unable to as there is no end.My thoughts are my main enemy. I just thought of the moment my mum found her dad dying on the floor in his flat - he had a cancer which took his life. But how awkward it have to be to found someone you love at the end of their life path. It makes me sad. My nana was suffering from dementia so her memory wasnt good at times she was saying that she is a young woman, she didn't know at times that my mother was her daughter - sad as well. My mother is going through simular path of loosing memory, she might have dementia in future, so do I - As woman genes are the one which are more valunrable to get dementia.

But that's the think pain is so overwelming and it feels like there is no stopping there, mind is concentrainting on it so badly, I am unable to think about anythink else. My pain is massive I just cfan think about it and about the sllep, although I am going to work so I can not sllep. Hopefully when I will go out it will help me to take my mind off those thoughts I have.

mmm sad :(  xoxo