life, borderline, depression, pain, anxiety and other disorders

IT MIGHT BE HIGHLY TRIGGERING FOR SOME PEOPLE,
if anyone is actually reading it .


 I went to the GP yesterday and mentioned again that I would be interested of having the whole assessment done by psychiatrist to find out if there is more to my depression and anxiety. What he said stunned me, well he said that if I'm thinking of bipolar or personality disorder I haven't got any of those. WOW! I thought, he continued, if you would have this kind a condition you will have more severe symptoms. WOW again, and I just couldn't say anything. I was shut. I thought how the hell I should talk to all those fucking doctors. I feel helpless and it is so upsetting. I feel like I'm loosing a battle, recently thinking a lot about the suicide, as the pain is the hell unbearable at times. So, what are the more severe symptoms then?!? Does anyone have the answer to that? I will very welcome any ideas and examples.

My life again, examples:
 I can not cry it all out because of fluoxetine , and I think I need to cry at times to free some of the soul pain stuck in my chest, to be able to breath, be able to concentrate on the other stuff, but I can't cry. I feel like tearing my chest with my hands to stop the pain , I hold my head in my hands coz I feel like it will blow, because of so many racing thoughts, and nothing makes any sense, nothing I will remember later. This is very like an anxiety right.
 There is another thing , I hate people and love them at this same time, this is particularly weird as I like to be around people but as well to be in control of everything what is happening. I'm trying to make people like me, on the other hand I think I don't care but then again I want them to like me , and then again to hate. It's so freaking weird. I just can't make up my mind, I keep people in the distance, as that's how I feel should be. I'm weird and tired of all that crap. BPD - ABANDONMENT? HISTRONIC PERSONALITY DISORDER?
Maybe it's nothing really to think about, it might be that I'm exaggerating and there is nothing wrong with me.
I'm just making myself suffer, and mothers do hurt their children as mine did, everyone feels abandoned at some point so maybe it is just my mind playing tricks on me?
I just have another argument with the other me, one is complaining and writing the other one is saying to shut up she can not handle it any more, In my mind she holds her head in her hands with closed eyes and face full of pain. The other me is me with stoned face looking in the screen of the laptop, doesn't show any mimics or emotions.BPD - LOW SELF IMAGE?
 There why I have those voices in my head who swear at me, makes me resentful, humiliate me, give me orders to obey them. Somehow, I have the control over those voices, I can make them stop or stop hurting myself when my mind will get to the point  - what the fuck are you doing- then I will think and stop. But on the other hand I will continue for as long as those voices want me to. I will binge eat and purge, I will try to starve, steal things.BPD - IMPULSIVITY?

Now I would love to cut my hands, my wrists want to feel the razor but I know if I will do that there will be more questions which I wouldn't be able to answer. Now my son sometimes sees me with my scars and wounds on my legs and ask me what had happened. I will lie and say that I scratched myself, coz I definitely won't tell him that I do it on purpose. I think when he will be older and when he will be able to understand more then I will tell him , what was going on in my life. As I would love him to be fully aware of the feelings and that there are some things which are more complicated than we think.BPD - SUICIAIDAL BEHAVIOUR
I have to feel the pain, the physical pain for my soul to get some rest. Before I had a good way of doing that by hurting my nipples, breast, vagina. Now I cut (scratch) my legs and did a few times with my arms as well. Not happy about that, whenever I'm at work I think if everyone thinks what think that I cut myself.BPD - SELF INJURY
 Then I have that feeling like people are observing me , they want the worse for me, they don't wan't my happiness, they want to use me and make me suffer.PARANOID PERSONALITY DISORDER?

 I stole money from my parents and grandparents before, now I do it rarely but sometimes I have the urgency to take something, and not paying for it. I wouldn't even look around I will take it and put in the basket and from the basket to my pocket. Just like that.BPD - IMPULSIVITY?
  I always thought that pets are better than people, I had always been surrounded by pets and wild animals, like birds or hedgehogs. I loved walks to the forest with my dogs when I was younger, on the way we had a neighbour dog joining us, that was fun. I had cats, rats, mice, hamsters, parrots, rabbit, wild birds, hedgehogs, degu, dogs, fishes. I still think that human is so cruel we kill for fun and make animals kill for our entertainment, this makes me so angry.

 I will bit my self up, I have this need to hit my face and swear , tell myself how pathetic and fucking sad I am. How this whole shitty life kicked me in my bum. How I expect so much and I'm so fucking lazy and so bloody crazy that I don't achieve my own targets. I want to change the job but do nothing to find another one. Pathetic and so irritating , there is no fucking good people on this world, if they were I will most probably meet at least one person. O, hold on, maybe not, as I will avoid the chance to know the person , so maybe, I know them, but I had never bond with them - so I don't know that they are good.
 So am I having a personality disorder issues, or it's just a depression and high anxiety.

I would love to have money to pay for a psychiatric evaluation to know if I'm just freaking out or I have a real problem. I am feeling so low lately, just feeling of hopelessness is very disturbing making me tired and sick entire of living this kind of life. Blah
Then there is an issue with my fucking weight, and the bloody 2am feast of binge eating, chocolate craving and all that crap I consume, and then purging. Another issue is sex, I am really not in to sex but if I am OMG  I'm like a bitch in heat I would give my self to anyone to fuck - madness. I'm bloody freaking out today. Just so fucking fed up!!!! I want to shout, and scream, and tear things out, and kick, and punch.

What is strange I am calm outside, I am at home with my son, and my insights are boiling from frustration, anger and pain. But I learned a long time ago, how to wear my mask, although with the anger outbursts it is impossible. Whenever you want to explain your action after your rage, this big invisible hand is squeezing your throat and makes you unable to breath and not to mention of talking or explaining your actions.
Never mind maybe I will win the lottery or find myself a sponsor .to pay for the fucking Shrink.
Why I haven't study when I was young, I wanted to do so many careers in my life ie.sales person, vet, horse care person, policewomen, army, office admin, artist- drawing etc.now I am studying HR let see how this will go.

13/06

GP visit done for this month, so now meds are supplied, feeling ok today.
A bit sad , taken my meds, my tummy is rumbling loudly, but I'm not hungry.
Listening to Emily Autumn - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_nAFbKX3MS0&feature=related
huh , feeling tired .
I like this old creepy music :) remind me of my childhood, don't know why.
Love this song

BPD person can't work?!

I just had a thought about work.

I had read somewhere before when someone wrote, I don't recall if it was someone's blog or random feedback about our great NHS service. Anyway, the person wrote that she said to her doctor that she might be BPD and he almost laughed in her face, saying that she wouldn't be able to hold a full time job if she would have Borderline Personality Disorder.

 Thinking of that I got really angry, truth is I have never been diagnosed with BPD, but there are those things which help to diagnose the condition they are as follows:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment - I don't have close relationships with people as I feel that they will leave me and that it will hurt me, I keep everyone in the distance. I left my boyfriends before they were able to do that, I will frighten my husband that I will divorce him.

2. Pattern of unstable and intense relationships, alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation - so here I am, loving my senior manager thinking how great he is and smart and all that , and the next day I hate him , he is the most annoying worthless person I know. He is in my eyes arrogant, hypocrite, useless as a manager, lack of people skills, not to mention that he is so selfish. The other day I said that he is brilliant, and so on. So alternating.

3. Identity disturbance markedly and persistently unstable self image or sense of self - now this is difficult, I don't really know my identity, my self esteem depends on the situation I'm in. I will act, for the whole my life I was different in school, different with friends, different with family. Now it is this same whatever my surroundings I will match myself with the situation or people I am with, like a Kameleon changing color.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas which are self damaging- let say spending money which I don't have, binge eating, purging, stealing (yes, I have the urge to take things from shops, those are small items doesn't cost much but I would rather take them than pay for them, although I have the money to pay for it), tattoos, piercings.

5. Reoccurring suicidal behavior, gestures , threats of self injuring behaviors - scratching, object insertion, hitting myself, pulling hair, beating myself with objects.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood - my day as an example: woke up happy @ 6am, 8am felt anxious and couldn't stop the feeling of fear. 9.30am got upset for no reason, fell very low and harm myself, 10.30am started to tidy up, need to keep busy so I won't self harm. 13pm sit down to write on the blog feeling peaceful and calm. Still calm and very clear in my mind and its13:58.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness - numb, worthless, don't care, no plans for future, hollow inside .

8. Transient , stress related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms - yes, wanted to leave my job millions of times because of people, I felt like everyone is watching me, talking about me, don't like me. 

9. Inappropriate anger or difficulty to control anger - Huge difficult to control anger, I just sometimes cannot cope , then I scream and shout and throw things, I will hit, slap, smack, scratch and do all the things that make my muscle relax. When I'm angry I grind my teeth and my muscle are very tense, and I feel like I will blow out in a second. This makes me angry as well and it is like a hell circle, my anger makes me more angry and when I'm angry I feel like dying, I feel completely empty, lonely and so bloody sad and tense and cannot control that. But at work, when I got angry I argue because I know if I will hit someone this would be  extreme, never got to this point.

So you can work and have those all symptoms showing that you are actually borderline, I work 32 hours a week. I feel good with that as I am more in control when I work , although I hate my job. So I don't understand how doctors or any other mental health professionals can say you can't work. I am living example of a person who finds work helpful. Even when I'm highly depressed and I don't feel like even getting out of bed I will make myself get out, get dressed , put my make up on, and be at work on time. I think it just depends on your abilities, there are definitely some people who can't work as its impossible for them but there are some like me who need work to keep going. Besides when I don't work I don't put my make up , I stay in bed longer, I don't bother to dress as wearing anything at home is good. So working makes me more able to live, not only exist.

full happiness ?

I am weird, thinking of how tired and fed up I am with all that crap around me . How I pretend, or maybe not, that I'm happy and everything is as normal as can be. I know I want to be happy, but I don't know if I'm ready for that. Truly I can say that although I'm so sad, hurt, in so much mental pain, I think I love it. Just because that's what I know and I haven't experienced how does it feel to be fully happy. There was always a pain in my life. I think I cannot be happy, or maybe I don't want to be. I'm so freaking confused.

I'm happy at work, smiling to everyone , doing what everyone else wanted me to do. That is why I hate my job, it's like imprisonment and maybe even worse than that. I feel like a slave at times, which means, I'm really bad when people want me to do whatever they want me to do. I'm clever, I think on my feet, use common sense and don't like to be bitched around by narrow minded people who actually think that they are smart, ha they wish.
I hate when people are lying to me :(