BPD person can't work?!

I just had a thought about work.

I had read somewhere before when someone wrote, I don't recall if it was someone's blog or random feedback about our great NHS service. Anyway, the person wrote that she said to her doctor that she might be BPD and he almost laughed in her face, saying that she wouldn't be able to hold a full time job if she would have Borderline Personality Disorder.

 Thinking of that I got really angry, truth is I have never been diagnosed with BPD, but there are those things which help to diagnose the condition they are as follows:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment - I don't have close relationships with people as I feel that they will leave me and that it will hurt me, I keep everyone in the distance. I left my boyfriends before they were able to do that, I will frighten my husband that I will divorce him.

2. Pattern of unstable and intense relationships, alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation - so here I am, loving my senior manager thinking how great he is and smart and all that , and the next day I hate him , he is the most annoying worthless person I know. He is in my eyes arrogant, hypocrite, useless as a manager, lack of people skills, not to mention that he is so selfish. The other day I said that he is brilliant, and so on. So alternating.

3. Identity disturbance markedly and persistently unstable self image or sense of self - now this is difficult, I don't really know my identity, my self esteem depends on the situation I'm in. I will act, for the whole my life I was different in school, different with friends, different with family. Now it is this same whatever my surroundings I will match myself with the situation or people I am with, like a Kameleon changing color.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas which are self damaging- let say spending money which I don't have, binge eating, purging, stealing (yes, I have the urge to take things from shops, those are small items doesn't cost much but I would rather take them than pay for them, although I have the money to pay for it), tattoos, piercings.

5. Reoccurring suicidal behavior, gestures , threats of self injuring behaviors - scratching, object insertion, hitting myself, pulling hair, beating myself with objects.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood - my day as an example: woke up happy @ 6am, 8am felt anxious and couldn't stop the feeling of fear. 9.30am got upset for no reason, fell very low and harm myself, 10.30am started to tidy up, need to keep busy so I won't self harm. 13pm sit down to write on the blog feeling peaceful and calm. Still calm and very clear in my mind and its13:58.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness - numb, worthless, don't care, no plans for future, hollow inside .

8. Transient , stress related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms - yes, wanted to leave my job millions of times because of people, I felt like everyone is watching me, talking about me, don't like me. 

9. Inappropriate anger or difficulty to control anger - Huge difficult to control anger, I just sometimes cannot cope , then I scream and shout and throw things, I will hit, slap, smack, scratch and do all the things that make my muscle relax. When I'm angry I grind my teeth and my muscle are very tense, and I feel like I will blow out in a second. This makes me angry as well and it is like a hell circle, my anger makes me more angry and when I'm angry I feel like dying, I feel completely empty, lonely and so bloody sad and tense and cannot control that. But at work, when I got angry I argue because I know if I will hit someone this would be  extreme, never got to this point.

So you can work and have those all symptoms showing that you are actually borderline, I work 32 hours a week. I feel good with that as I am more in control when I work , although I hate my job. So I don't understand how doctors or any other mental health professionals can say you can't work. I am living example of a person who finds work helpful. Even when I'm highly depressed and I don't feel like even getting out of bed I will make myself get out, get dressed , put my make up on, and be at work on time. I think it just depends on your abilities, there are definitely some people who can't work as its impossible for them but there are some like me who need work to keep going. Besides when I don't work I don't put my make up , I stay in bed longer, I don't bother to dress as wearing anything at home is good. So working makes me more able to live, not only exist.

full happiness ?

I am weird, thinking of how tired and fed up I am with all that crap around me . How I pretend, or maybe not, that I'm happy and everything is as normal as can be. I know I want to be happy, but I don't know if I'm ready for that. Truly I can say that although I'm so sad, hurt, in so much mental pain, I think I love it. Just because that's what I know and I haven't experienced how does it feel to be fully happy. There was always a pain in my life. I think I cannot be happy, or maybe I don't want to be. I'm so freaking confused.

I'm happy at work, smiling to everyone , doing what everyone else wanted me to do. That is why I hate my job, it's like imprisonment and maybe even worse than that. I feel like a slave at times, which means, I'm really bad when people want me to do whatever they want me to do. I'm clever, I think on my feet, use common sense and don't like to be bitched around by narrow minded people who actually think that they are smart, ha they wish.
I hate when people are lying to me :(

My weight is big 115kg :( I have to loose some weight as I just feel so bad with what I weigh. This is all that bloody binge eating lack of self esteem and all that work crap. Then I can add my pregnancy from 5 years ago. Where I gained massive 50 kg somehow. Never mind I was always able to manage my weight when I was a teenager and in my 20 , so I have to do it now . I don't fancy exercise I don't like to sweat but I will have to. So now I will be working towards the weight of 60kg, so 55kg to shift down. Let see if I'm strong enough.

what's wrong with me

    So today was a kind a nice day, I visited a few blogs and chose to follow some of them. I had taken a long bubble bath just to relax myself a little, my LO went to bed pretty quickly today and hubby decided to connect his xbox to our tv in the front room , so I thought let it be. I had enjoyed my bath , straighten my hair and put a face mask on. Get my laptop and off to bed.

And I started to wonder how bad or good I am.

 Hmm, taking into consideration my outbursts of uncontrolable rage, following by violence towards closest people to me, I am kind and funny person, who most people like (I think). I'm easy to know, as I'm honest, reliable, approachable, crazy- the good way, helpful and very considerate. I'm an altruist at most times, but I can be very aggressive, stubborn, intimidating, rude, impatient, miserable, moaning, hurtful, annoying, and destructive in my actions towards people. If I trust you, make sure you won't disappoint me, follow the regular rule of honesty and it will be fine, I don't mind a constructive feedback, which some people find harsh. But if at any point I will stop talking to you, you make me cry or I will harm myself because I feel so belittled by you - run. Even after some time I will remember and when people are less expecting, then I act, I will try to destroy them or something what is important to them. I don't want to frighten anyone it is just the way I am.

I like to fight, to have a challenge it keeps me going.. I love to learn, that's why I'm 31and in college. I have bad memory I just don't remember things, but on the other hand someone told me that I should work for MI5, as I will make a good spy because of the things I can remember. That's kind a particular isn't it? I'm such a contradiction of things and behaviors, which I try to learn and find a way to deal with. But it is hard, it is worse than before, it's so painful. I had never cut myself the way I'm doing it now, I always fought the opposition. And Anxiety is unbearable at times , making me feel hopeless.

Now I binge eat, purge, self harm, avoid contact with people more than before, I lie again- but I have the best interest of those who I lie to at heart. I feel empty and lonely, I want to cry but I can't, I want to scream and I'm afraid to. I can't speak about it, as I don't trust people enough- I started to talk about it to a couple of people I know and liked, but they had disappointed me badly, so there is no one there. The other thing is that I know people these days have their own problems and I don't want to trouble them with my issues, besides they think I'm very strong personality, and a lot of times they come to me for help. So knowing their problems I'm just unable to share mine.

I'm sad most of the time but the amazing thing is when I go to work I'm completely different, I will hurt inside but I will still smile in most cased. People ask me how I am and I say I'm fine, but I scream inside. Customers are treated differently as well, I most of the time treat them the same way I want to be treated. I would sometimes escape, at work, just walk around the store avoiding work and people. I hate super confident colleagues and managers, I think arrogance doesn't suit people. But on the other hand I would love someone to teach me how to be  an arrogant, life looks easier that way.


You see,  in my behavior there are a lot signs of Borderline Personality, I like to call this Emotionally Unstable Personality.
My moods may be triggered by ordinary things like scent , pictures or a dream.
I'm strong on the other hand as I had survived so much.


So it looks like there is BPD (borderline personality disorder), Depression, Anxiety, 
ED (eating disorder).


Now I need to find more strength to fight that, and to be honest I feel exhausted.