Madness in my head , thoughts racing and I feel lost.

I try the 3rd time to write, I try to concentrate and make sense of my thoughts. Just to write how I feel and I don't know what to write. I'm sad and empty inside, I think about my son and hubby. I just had a thought that something will fell of the air, hit me and I will die, crazy. I had similar thoughts earlier, when I went shopping. On my way to the bus stop I thought that my boys are at home. I thought what will happened if they will die, when I'm away. What will I do? I will blame myself for living them and not taking them with me. I don't have idea from where those thoughts are coming from its justweird.

I dont understand my feelings, moods, preferences. I am sadistic,  I know music will cause me a kind of a  distress I will still listen to the songs which make me feel hurt. I will watch movies which will affect me.
I feel bad, I am fat and I ugly.
I want to stop feeling but I can't !
I want to scream !
I see my self shouting and braking things !
I mess my hair, I want to cry but there is no tears.

Do I live ? I feel like I exist but I don't live a life, which I want to live.
I love my boys XOXO

It hurts

Did you ever feel like killing someone? Just a random person, outside, on the road, the one you don't know without any feelings at all. I wonder sometimes why my thinking is mad like that? Why I think that , if other people think about those things. If they do think like that, did they have some terrible experience in their life before.


 What if I don't have a personality disorder and I'm  just looking to fill some emotional gap. 


I have been beaten up so many times in my life, by my mother and father, and grandfather. I feel pain when thinking about it, I feel angry and sad, I know that it left some emotional scars, while body healed from the purple marks and broken skin. I do abuse, especially those who are closest to me, those who I love the most. I will feel rage and that's only feeling I have, I don't think at a time what harm I can cause. After that I will realise that I hurt someone and be genuinely sorry, I would feel bad and be very angry with myself for doing that. I will abuse anyone who I scent is weak I will shout, scream, swear, hit, slap, smack, shake. I am angry with myself because of that and for many other reasons as well, I can harm myself because something went wrong at work, because the bus was late, I got the job, I left the job, I am going for an interview, I had an interview, I was late to work, I didn't get what I wanted and so on. I might cry from the pain and still hurt myself, I can hit myself with the fists in the head or with anything else available, covering my face with any type of fabric so it won't leave visible marks or if it will they will be less visible . I will hurt my breast and nipples, just to feel a physical pain for the  emotions to go away, I will insert objects into my vagina but I rarely masturbate. So leaving myself kind an unsatisfied, but satisfied on the other hand, with pain. I can plan what I do days before. I will harm myself only when I am alone at home. The only thing I am afraid of is that someone could come and I won't be able to answer the door. This kind a freaks me out at times as we live in a flat and you can hear people walking around in the communal area.

 But going back to my thoughts of killing, they are rare, spontaneous, and not really that persistent but I have them. I can clearly picture myself having a gun and shoot people. I know that I wouldn't really go out there and do it. I know I am too scared to take a life. But strangely I think about it anyway.

I was feeling really sad and anxious today, we went to London, it was alright. The city is always busy and it makes me quite angry when I have to go there. We quickly dealt with things today, had lunch at McDonalds and come back home. My hubby mentioned that I haven’t talked much recently, indeed I want to say something but I just feel bloody powerless. Like I try to make an effort to talk and there is nothing coming out of my mouth. I have gone shopping, I wanted to buy a dress for a wedding in May. I went to one of the stores and there was no dresses in my size at all. So angry at myself I was going to buy some groceries and went to BHS and found a dress! Really pretty dress in dusty pink. It’s ideal it slim me visually, which is great. This made me feel positive today, but people are making me so angry, I feel like pulling my hair out and scream. I feel tired and unhappy, I think sometimes that I don’t live it’s like I’m in a fishbowl – isolated from outside life. People on the streets makes me agitated and frustrated, they rush, the children are not well behaved, parents not taking a responsibilities for their children. Just so frustrating.

DOG

Went to bed late last night it was 2am, woke up in the morning 8.30 was all ok , now I feel anxious. For some reason I am worried my head feels heavy, I feel disturbed, and think about my past.

For some reason I always had dogs around me even steal a puppy as a child, called him K9 but after few weeks owner find out where his pet was and came over to claim him back with the puppy's mother. Obviously I was sad, I loved this dog, I remember watching the whole situation from the balcony when they were taking him away and thinking that they have more than one dog why they want him back? I had for most of my life one dog, great guard and a friend, through my childhood he was my friend, I cannot recall people around me but I remember all about pets. I had many of different pets around mice, hamsters, parrots, cats, turtle, rats, wild birds, hedgehogs, and obviously dogs. When I was 17 my very best friend give me a dog for my birthday and I could choose him from the puppies her bitch had , and so I did. I choose the gingerly dog of them all, he was so cute, and I didn't care if my mother didn't allow me to have another dog. I bring him home and kept him in my room as he was very small, I make him a bed and give him plush toys to keep him company at night. And so he stayed with me. He was my best friend from the first day - feeling sad when thinking about it now , sigh - I took him everywhere I went, if it was meeting with friends in the pub, or in the park or going to motorcyclist gathering - he was there with me. I take him to my boyfriends house, he was a passenger with me when riding a motorbike with friends. He was my baby, my friend, my lovely little dog who everyone adored - I'm crying I miss him so much. When I was 25 he had gone missing, that’s what happened. I have moved with my boyfriend and dog stayed at my parents house, one day when my brother's friend  comes along, my dog runs away through the gate and have never been seen since then. I cried so much and blame myself for leaving him behind, he was there for me always no matter what and I abandoned him because of my selfishness, I looked for him around the block and beyond, I went to pound so many times to see if someone brings him over, but I never found him again.

This still hurts me so much thinking of him, the thought that he could still be with me if I didn't move from my parents house and leave him behind. From that moment I didn't find any other pet that I would love as much. I have a ferret currently, he is just perfect as I was looking for him over a year, he looks like Siamese cat with dark paws and a tale and sand coloured body. Love him dearly but not as much, still thinking about my pet dog lovely guy who was there for me no matter what, listen to me whenever I need to talk, keep me company in my worst and loved me just the way I was. Miss you little pal ..... I just hope you are happy wherever you are...... Still loves you loads !