And what to do?

So I had seen my psychiatrist who actually broke up our relationship as she was taking another job in other hospital. She said that Amanda (ex psychotherapist) and her had spoken about me recently , and that they got into conclusion that I actually might have Bipolar.

Well that was a bit of surprise, and yes now I see the light and why they say that. Though she didn't put her diagnosis  she said it is worth to try Lithium or Depakote. She promised to send a letter to my GP and advise him further what to do. So I received my letter without the page where she had said what steps to take and what dosage to prescribe. Well , my GP did not receive this letter and so he couldn't give me any advice on that. Surprisingly when I returned to see him after 2 weeks he had the letter and said that he is not able to carry on or even start me on depakote. Then with lithium I have to be stable on medication so they could carry it over from psychiatrist.


Loads of misinterpretation, not knowing or other shit is going on with thw bloody NHS, Doctors are not capable of doing anything, one is saying one thing and the other is saying other thing, that makes me hate them and what is worse it makes me more and more frustrated. Like now I had 4 weeks off because I have been depressed and how can I get better if I have idiots dealing with my health. GRRRYYY

So any way nothing will happened until 18 November as this is the day I have my appointment with my psychiatrist. We will see what she will say.

Going back to bipolar I realised that I haven't got much of manic episodes. Now when I stayed at home for the first 2.5 week I felt very week and tired and sleepy and then I had like 3 - 4 days doing stuff, smiling ,giggling, waking up at night and play computer games , cleaning  and then I thought I'm cured my depression is gone . And then relapsed again but not as severe as before , now I feel kind of steady but I know that this depression hasn't gone yet.

So what should I do?

I am about to change my surgery as the one I am with now is shitty one with terrible patient service. Well I hope that it will be a good choice, at least I might be able to book an appointment with this same GP!

Well that's it for now XOXO

CONFUSED ME ....( THE POST WHICH i HAVEN'T POSTED)

  I had seen my psychiatrist on friday , she is so scary. I mean I am frightened when talking to her , she realised that and asked me why. So I said because she is psychiatrist and because I have to tell her my secrets and because I don't know her, and I didn't said that, but she is the doctor for the crazy ppl.

  I know she is there to help me, but still this is horrifying for me, as I got to terms when I am scared of myself , coz I know I am "normal" - for other ppl this means crazy. I don't undorstand normal , I would rather say that other ppl are ordinary and I am the one with "extra " at the front of ordinary. Any ways I am scared coz I can not fully control myself, my actions are out of order at times, and I feel so frightened after the suicidal thoughts passed by. I think then what would happened if I will acctually commit suicide , what will happened to my son , he will be without his mum . Then my husband how he will cope with my death. That's bloody scary , but I got to this point after I pull myself away from my sick thoughts. Then I think how sad and pathetic that is , and why do I even consider to overdose , rip my veins out or hung myself.

Then I know that I need more help and that being extraordinary is a har work everyday of every week of every month. They are days like those past two weeks when I feel capable , energised , motivated , steady. But then I know that those dark heavy clouds will gather up one day above me , and then I will be in this sad pathetic state again, which I hate .

Well the psychiatrist thinks that I will be better off with the DBT as my theraphy doesn't help me much. Well that made me feel sad and in some way offended , because I love Amanda . She maybe doesn't help me much to stop, binging and self harming , but I know she is there for me every week. I know I can talk to her about everythink what bothers me , and hurt me and about the feelings which acompany me through the day. I know that I need her.

We started to talk about my mother , and I started to realise that there were so many hidden memories which just started to comming up. It is worrying that I realised that I never been cuddled or hugged, never my mother or father told me they loved me. Like at the moment I feel like I had never been loved. I think having sex with anyone made me feel loved , important, and needed.

THINGS

I haven't been here for a while and a bit has changed. Meaning, I got the HR role in my place of work , which I thought will be an excellent challenge and experience for me. Though how sad and disappointed I am now. The thing with that is that I haven't been trained to do the job , and I am now 6 weeks in the job. My current role is payroll entry and printing holidays for colleagues. I am fed up , feeling more anxious from day to day . I feel like I don't want to go to work , like I want to stay in bed forever. Though when I go out and reach the workplace then I am kind a settled. I hate not to be able to deal with something , and to be honest if I wont be nosy and curious I wouldn't definitely know more than half of the things I know now. Annoying.
#
I even thought to go off sick as I just get so frustrated and hurt because of that , I don't know if they are people who understand what I am going through right now. I don't know if it is just me or not. Well I am feeling low lately I think some kind of depressive mood s taking over.

I don't see my therapist for a while now , I miss her a bit as she was the one I could open up to without making myself feel guilty. I had someone to talk to , which now I haven't got anyone.
I still struggle at night with those weird attacks where I can not breath. The doctor  doesn't know what is actually wrong with me, they decided to refer me to the respiratory specialist, but still they are 90% sure that those attacks are not a respiratory problems, but kind a rough panic attacks.

Fed up.

I just feel like nothing is going right , I haven't got money . We are in such debit at the moment that I don't even want to think about it. I am strongly disappointed with my job, I am fatter than I was last time. I am bigger 2 sizes. AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

My head hurts and I feel so tired , it is all because of the junk food I am fed on. The job which doesn't give me any satisfaction, and struggle with money. Adding to that the fat tum, double chin, bloody night attacks, and the overwhelming sadness. I just want to hide in the small hiding hole, where no one and nothing could find me.

xoxo

Randoms, who am I ?

It is hard to live as me. I am troubled mind with the mood reaching the sky high. I am unable to control myself , as my therapist said on the last session that there are people who can not resist the need of having a chocolate , or a cigarette , alcohol, food etc. but with me is more than food and dieting and cigarettes. I am one of those people who feels like a failure constantly. Did you ever had the voice in your head telling you what to do ? How worthless you are and that you don't deserve to be happy, what a nightmare you are as you  are fat , overeat , making yourself sick , sex with a disgusting man ,cutting , punching, hitting yourself and you just can not resist the need of doing so. Then you feel sad because you ask yourself why? Why do I do that why I don't  have a control over my own life, why I hurt myself with the rage, and those closest to me. I wonder, how it is to be ordinary, the life most likely is much easier, I want to believe. For me I have to fight the nightmares of everyday living. I can not be alone, as when I am, I have this disturbing thought and voices in my head which doesn't want to shut up. Even if I want the other me to shut the hell up , she might laugh, saying how much stronger she is , than that weak me, which everyday wakes up facing all the challenges. The other me is the thought one, she doesn't give a shit about anything and anyone, and sometimes I wish that she might stay out forever, and this little scared me will go to the second plan.  Only to come out when there is no storm outside ( peaceful day with sun shining and kind ppl around) . Well that's how I  think about her. I like the rough me coz I know I can handle a lot then , and no one will be able to take advantage of me. There is the other point I had decided that I won't see the man with whom I cheat on my husband , just because I realised how disgusted I am by him . He is awful and so stupid and just OMG not worth it. Well I presume that sleeping with him was like a punishment for me , although for what ? I haven't got idea. I always had someone disgusting on the side, only for the sex, I always felt physically dirty , ashamed , I felt like I deserve to feel belittled.  Though I hate when in my professional life someone belittles me , then I feel attacked and try to hide I think that everyone is against me , and I am so fragile at that point. Although I will fight my husband if tries to do that, he is not able to make me small if he do I either feel very small and cry or very rough and powerful and then I hurt him.

Well I still discover who I am , what happened in my life to cause such a chaos. If this was my parents fault and I got to he point that I felt so abandoned then I looked for a bit of attention in men and my weapon was sex for that matter. Or I am an attention seeker , I definitely am , but why? I want to be the best in everything I do , I want to show that I am capable of everything . At work I try to be as strong as I possibly can , but it doesn't work like that sometimes.

Well now my therapist is telling that she thinks I am more of bipolar to her, fair enough , you know that life is like never ending story , we still discover chapters everyday writing he pages of the life we live . She knows what to look up for when I am coming to see her where for me , when I saw psychiatrist it was like hours may by days. Well she said she will try to feedback her observations to the psychiatrist I see. She even thinks I might need more psychiatrist then therapist , well I don't know . I feels comfortable with her, but now I suspect that she doesn't want to see me as much as I want to see her. Is it true ? Or is it another part of me being irrational. I want to discover who I am and I will take everything they are able to offer to find out who I am and why I am like I am.

Thought life.

Xoxo