CONFUSED ME ....( THE POST WHICH i HAVEN'T POSTED)

  I had seen my psychiatrist on friday , she is so scary. I mean I am frightened when talking to her , she realised that and asked me why. So I said because she is psychiatrist and because I have to tell her my secrets and because I don't know her, and I didn't said that, but she is the doctor for the crazy ppl.

  I know she is there to help me, but still this is horrifying for me, as I got to terms when I am scared of myself , coz I know I am "normal" - for other ppl this means crazy. I don't undorstand normal , I would rather say that other ppl are ordinary and I am the one with "extra " at the front of ordinary. Any ways I am scared coz I can not fully control myself, my actions are out of order at times, and I feel so frightened after the suicidal thoughts passed by. I think then what would happened if I will acctually commit suicide , what will happened to my son , he will be without his mum . Then my husband how he will cope with my death. That's bloody scary , but I got to this point after I pull myself away from my sick thoughts. Then I think how sad and pathetic that is , and why do I even consider to overdose , rip my veins out or hung myself.

Then I know that I need more help and that being extraordinary is a har work everyday of every week of every month. They are days like those past two weeks when I feel capable , energised , motivated , steady. But then I know that those dark heavy clouds will gather up one day above me , and then I will be in this sad pathetic state again, which I hate .

Well the psychiatrist thinks that I will be better off with the DBT as my theraphy doesn't help me much. Well that made me feel sad and in some way offended , because I love Amanda . She maybe doesn't help me much to stop, binging and self harming , but I know she is there for me every week. I know I can talk to her about everythink what bothers me , and hurt me and about the feelings which acompany me through the day. I know that I need her.

We started to talk about my mother , and I started to realise that there were so many hidden memories which just started to comming up. It is worrying that I realised that I never been cuddled or hugged, never my mother or father told me they loved me. Like at the moment I feel like I had never been loved. I think having sex with anyone made me feel loved , important, and needed.

THINGS

I haven't been here for a while and a bit has changed. Meaning, I got the HR role in my place of work , which I thought will be an excellent challenge and experience for me. Though how sad and disappointed I am now. The thing with that is that I haven't been trained to do the job , and I am now 6 weeks in the job. My current role is payroll entry and printing holidays for colleagues. I am fed up , feeling more anxious from day to day . I feel like I don't want to go to work , like I want to stay in bed forever. Though when I go out and reach the workplace then I am kind a settled. I hate not to be able to deal with something , and to be honest if I wont be nosy and curious I wouldn't definitely know more than half of the things I know now. Annoying.
#
I even thought to go off sick as I just get so frustrated and hurt because of that , I don't know if they are people who understand what I am going through right now. I don't know if it is just me or not. Well I am feeling low lately I think some kind of depressive mood s taking over.

I don't see my therapist for a while now , I miss her a bit as she was the one I could open up to without making myself feel guilty. I had someone to talk to , which now I haven't got anyone.
I still struggle at night with those weird attacks where I can not breath. The doctor  doesn't know what is actually wrong with me, they decided to refer me to the respiratory specialist, but still they are 90% sure that those attacks are not a respiratory problems, but kind a rough panic attacks.

Fed up.

I just feel like nothing is going right , I haven't got money . We are in such debit at the moment that I don't even want to think about it. I am strongly disappointed with my job, I am fatter than I was last time. I am bigger 2 sizes. AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

My head hurts and I feel so tired , it is all because of the junk food I am fed on. The job which doesn't give me any satisfaction, and struggle with money. Adding to that the fat tum, double chin, bloody night attacks, and the overwhelming sadness. I just want to hide in the small hiding hole, where no one and nothing could find me.

xoxo

Randoms, who am I ?

It is hard to live as me. I am troubled mind with the mood reaching the sky high. I am unable to control myself , as my therapist said on the last session that there are people who can not resist the need of having a chocolate , or a cigarette , alcohol, food etc. but with me is more than food and dieting and cigarettes. I am one of those people who feels like a failure constantly. Did you ever had the voice in your head telling you what to do ? How worthless you are and that you don't deserve to be happy, what a nightmare you are as you  are fat , overeat , making yourself sick , sex with a disgusting man ,cutting , punching, hitting yourself and you just can not resist the need of doing so. Then you feel sad because you ask yourself why? Why do I do that why I don't  have a control over my own life, why I hurt myself with the rage, and those closest to me. I wonder, how it is to be ordinary, the life most likely is much easier, I want to believe. For me I have to fight the nightmares of everyday living. I can not be alone, as when I am, I have this disturbing thought and voices in my head which doesn't want to shut up. Even if I want the other me to shut the hell up , she might laugh, saying how much stronger she is , than that weak me, which everyday wakes up facing all the challenges. The other me is the thought one, she doesn't give a shit about anything and anyone, and sometimes I wish that she might stay out forever, and this little scared me will go to the second plan.  Only to come out when there is no storm outside ( peaceful day with sun shining and kind ppl around) . Well that's how I  think about her. I like the rough me coz I know I can handle a lot then , and no one will be able to take advantage of me. There is the other point I had decided that I won't see the man with whom I cheat on my husband , just because I realised how disgusted I am by him . He is awful and so stupid and just OMG not worth it. Well I presume that sleeping with him was like a punishment for me , although for what ? I haven't got idea. I always had someone disgusting on the side, only for the sex, I always felt physically dirty , ashamed , I felt like I deserve to feel belittled.  Though I hate when in my professional life someone belittles me , then I feel attacked and try to hide I think that everyone is against me , and I am so fragile at that point. Although I will fight my husband if tries to do that, he is not able to make me small if he do I either feel very small and cry or very rough and powerful and then I hurt him.

Well I still discover who I am , what happened in my life to cause such a chaos. If this was my parents fault and I got to he point that I felt so abandoned then I looked for a bit of attention in men and my weapon was sex for that matter. Or I am an attention seeker , I definitely am , but why? I want to be the best in everything I do , I want to show that I am capable of everything . At work I try to be as strong as I possibly can , but it doesn't work like that sometimes.

Well now my therapist is telling that she thinks I am more of bipolar to her, fair enough , you know that life is like never ending story , we still discover chapters everyday writing he pages of the life we live . She knows what to look up for when I am coming to see her where for me , when I saw psychiatrist it was like hours may by days. Well she said she will try to feedback her observations to the psychiatrist I see. She even thinks I might need more psychiatrist then therapist , well I don't know . I feels comfortable with her, but now I suspect that she doesn't want to see me as much as I want to see her. Is it true ? Or is it another part of me being irrational. I want to discover who I am and I will take everything they are able to offer to find out who I am and why I am like I am.

Thought life.

Xoxo

Liars

I feel so dump, for trusting people .
The only person not a professional and not my husband who I did trust the most betrayed me, again!

There was the time I needed to sort things out at work , and he came across as a trustworthy person , who is able to understand what I am going through. I give him all the details about my health for him to be able to understand, and now I feel like a foul. Just because today he said something completely different the we discussed before. It was about the bonus we receive yearly at work , I didn't get it. Though 3 weeks back he said I will get it , and that I should spend those money to go away and relax , and now he tries to tell me that it wasn't the case. Liar , that is the only word stuck in my head from the moment I spoke to him today.

Now I am in the position where I hate that I trusted him , it is not about the bonus anymore , it is about the trust I put in him. I don't give a daim for the bonus, I don't fucking care, I am pissed off because he lied , I don't want his fucking pity. I will survive and get stronger from day to day.

Just because he said he have to think what to do about this bonus, I thought what the hell? Then I said that he told me that I will get it, what a naive idiot am I , he said he have to have time to reflect on it. What the fuck to reflect on , he could say , sorry I have done mistake , I told you you will get it but I haven't put this through the system, I will think if we can do something about it. I will understand and I wouldn't call him a liar, but in the way he spoke to me and the way he dealt with things makes me so angry, not only at him but myself,

I feel so disappointed and so tired of liars. I feel like I want to harm myself as my soul hurts again!

I feel exhausted, and I hate, and I am so disappointed.

Don't trust anyone, as there is no one in the world that want to genuinely help you

I still don't learn from my mistakes.

xoxo