again ...

So.... It's me again I want to write, I always do feel like it but not always feel like posing .
I am here in the kitchen with two screaming parrots, cigarette in my hand and feeling cold. I just half an hour ago was going to the toilet, returning to bed and had been short of breth, had tangling feeling in my hands, my head was like it will expload in matter of seckonds. I took some ventolin to ease the brething problems and go down to sit in the kitchen.

I wonder what could actually be wrong with me, I am still anxious about not knowing, why certian things are happening, whyI feel that way, why do I every day have those feelings of extreem weirdness? Those things are driving me crazy, as I don't know what is wrong and what is the reason for it, and this makes me anxious. So after return to home, I will book an appointment with GP , and see what she will say, if anything.
Till then I have to survive, and I realised now my heart hurts. Why I don't know , but it's a weird feeling. I have many weird feelings but those are on regular basis. Well I am tired and maybe I could use some sleep again.

xoxo

Change

I realised how much I am changing, I am not this same person as I was years back . Now I even percept that I am more of a schizotypal personality. I am kind of a person who is not engaged socially as I feel uncomfortable, another thing is that I don't like to interact with the men who are close to me as I feel like every male is the sexual object for me. What that means, and I know it would sound strange , that even cutting hair for my dad was making me wonder that he is a sexy man. I am escaping my father in law as I see a sexual context in his gestures and his talk. I am looking at my husband brothers and I think They both have an affair with this same woman, one of them is in a relationship with this girl and they just had a baby, but the other brother is quiet close with her. I am perceiving it like they are sexually engaged, as for me it looks like that. Or maybe because of my own past experiences I think that they can not be as close without being sexual. Though I don't feel like it about younger man than me but all other older, mature man, make me anxious. Even at work I feel like they are a sexual object, my store manager is 46 or so , and I really fancy him, on the other hand I feel like he can sense me . What it means he avoids getting close to me , he doesn't act with me like with other female employees, although I am sure that he likes me and that he respect me as an effective employee.

I am the type who is not interested in a sexual relationship with my husband, for me sex isn't tabu but I am not the one who will make a first step. Where years back I was the one who wasn't satisfied, and constantly wanted the intimacy. Now I am having an intercourse , and I enjoy it , but not as much as before. I think before the sexuality was a thought for loving me , and I desperately wanted to be loved. I could have sex with anyone who showed me a bit of attention, and do almost any kind of kinky stuff with person who told me they have feelings for me. I know that now I have the type of love which is unconditional and forever and this is the love of my son, nothing and no one could change it. I love him the most and I couldn't love anyone more or even this same as him. I am gaining weight since I come to my parents , but we are going back home on Saturday and I can control myself there again. I hope. I have to be in control, as there is nothing more annoying than being unable to control your actions, this makes me feel very weak, useless and worthless, which isn't good. That is why I purge, as I can not control my binge eating, this makes me feel worthless and like I am stupid, this just makes me angry. Then I have to regain the control somehow and that is the reason I am rid of the food from my stomach. I think at times I am really a control freak , I want everything to be done immediately, I would rather not to explain things for others, I like when people are putting their own initiative into making things work. I like people who are clever and reliable, helpful and willing , and for whom there are no issues to take up the challenge.

I was a person who constantly was in need of a contact with someone, but when I was like 14- 15 I had lonely walks with my dogs in the nearby forest, and I loved it. Then when I was older I needed a human contact, so I was very sociable, although I had never been a person where people call just to talk, as I hate phone calls - still now. I do enjoy moments where I can control everything and when I am in charge of social relationship - which here I call someone to see them at a certain time. I hate to be late , usual I am earlier at least those 5min, and I dislike and get disappointed by people who are late. I hate committing to something, as I am afraid that I will fail. I can not stand a fail, this is like a personal suicide. I can not fail, if I am committed to something I have to do it and I will use all my strength to do it. Well that is why as well I do a part time work , as I am not mentally ready to work 5 days a week, as I know I may feel very low.

I think I am strong, but on the other side so weak and vulnerable. I am afraid and so disappointed by people that this is why I cannot trust but on the other hand I am so open like people perceive that as a Trust , but is it really? That's taught subject I am confused somehow with all that. I don't understand . I feel lost at times , and the worst thing is that no one wants to tell me what is wrong with me and why those things happened , I even think that my doc doesn't really bother as if she would she will direct me or at least offer a psychiatric assessment to help me understand.

Well that's life.

xoxo

Happy New Year

Wishing you all a very happy , as much as it can be, calm and healthy New Year 2013 xoxo

panic attack?

And again....

I am fully awake because of a strange dream I had. I recall that I dreamed about the fire, the fire of
my home. I came to a fire, of a strange big , like walk in cupboard/wardrobe I never had, with my husband and run to the kitchen for a container in which I could pour the water to put down the fire. I found a kettle and filled it up with water, and I was able to put the fire down , running and looking for my parents as I know they were at home, I found them in the bathroom in the bathtub full of water. Sleeping. Naked.

I screamed that there was a fire, and how they can not see it, and my dad told me that he knew there is a fire. Why then he didn't do anything to put it down? 

I had seen both of them kind a blurry, although I knew that they were naked in bathtub full of water and a bath foam on the water.

Then I remember a dog, nice dog, who bit me for some reason- I remember I provoked him. Then there was a lot of fire on the road and I was with my hubby his best friend and his ex wife - my cousin with whom I don't speak. Everything was on fire the rooftops, buildings, and we were running away. Somehow the fire stoped, somehow it was manageable to put it down , but the hell I feel fear now.
There was a whale not real though , but making real sounds - song of the whales is known to everyone I think. So, the whale was white and blue and was this kind of toy which you use on the water when you go swimming, you blow it and it floats on the water. But this one was like a real as it made a sound and moved and was really massive - like a real one.

I woke up to use the toilet, and to my surprise after it I came to the bedroom and I started to think about this dream, and I got very anxious , I had this pounding feeling in my chest and my ears were ringing. I felt like I am losing myself again, short of breath , so took the two puffs of the asthma relief, and then I realised that this might be a panic attack. So I opened the window and I started to breath and somehow I overcome that.



Now I realised that for the time I am at home - parents house, I was waking up at 3 am every night with symptoms of asthma but now I actually start to think that is was all along a panic attack , caused by my dreams. Today I checked the time and it wasn't 3am it was 1am. I can't go back to sleep after that , for no particular reason, so I thought I will write about it, so I will be able to speak to A. about it at my next session and to my GP.

So my dreams are really annoying , as they make me frightened and somehow prevent me from functioning as after the dream I am awake for a few hours which affects me, as I am tired through the day and I am not in mood to do anything.