then again the pain

And again the pain so overwhelming like I can't even cry. The mind so damaged that I cannot think. My body so damaged that the muscles ache, my head so heavy from the pain. I feel like a disaster , as nothing is fine. Again disappointment , there is no trust, I am so foolish believing wrong people. I trust and then get stabbed, in my back, by those I thought were honest and truthful. But now I realise that there is no truth , no honesty, no wishing people well. 

I am broken and my heart is squashed by people who were around me for whole my life. I got disappointed so many times in my life that I can not count. I got hurt, and I didn't learn the lesson I am tired of all that. I wish I wouldn't care, I wish I wouldn't trust. I feel like an odd one in the herd, why ?

Because I feel so excluded and I rearely fit with others , on the other hand I wear my mask. I will adjust to the situation I am in , and I will act like the people around me. How weird is that?

Does anyone here feel that way? Is there another person who actually feel and see that it is depending on the environment they are in, for them to act different ways. I am smart and use really smart phrases when I need to show that I am intelligent. At work I am simple and straight, professional and honest, hardworking and helpful. At home I am myself, I think, the most. My mask is very light I only fake it in front of my husband and son , I don't want them to know how I really feel , that I might be hurt, and sad, and suffering. I will act like nothing happened, when actually I scream inside and if I only could I would tear myself to small pieces. I am screaming inside but no one hears me , I want to ask for help but I can't. How pathetic that is , but on the other hand I do survive, I survive my past so I will survive the future. I just feel so much pain, how to stop it? If I will stop it would I miss it?

God , I am so exhausted , physically and mentally and disappointed so much by everyone in the world. If I only had a courage to stop it all, I would. But I am a coward, and I am afraid, and a failier. I feel just completely numb, life is bloody hard .

disaster

I feel numb and so tired , I feel weak and sad , like I am not living. I again think like everyone is against me , I am becoming delusional. I am bloody scared of being here and now I want to change my job again . Though I am loving to work there, but the worse thing is that I feel like everyone is conspiring against me . That people want me to fail , that no matter how I will try there is not much I can do about it. I am physically exhausted, with headache and such an anxiety that I don't even think. How weird is that ? I don't think , my brain is just turned off I don't have thoughts in my mind, although I do work and do other stuff like I am programmed to do so. Massive, I am the kind of a person who want to please everyone. I am able to read people and the stupidest thing is that I am so bloody naive. I trust everyone and then they are taking advantage of me, and then I am hurt , and then again I meet new people and again I trust and again got hurt and again this circle is repeating. I am tired of all that I am tired of pleasing everyone, but on the other hand I love it , I love to be the best, the smartest, the cleverest and just such a quick learner. But after some time something is breaking down in my inside. I think like I have been cheated, people are taking advantage of me , they think that I am stupid and they want to harm me. I know it sounds so delusional, and I am realising that but hell I feel hurt. I feel like this is the thing which repeats itself all the time. I am king of a person who will start something but there is an issue with finishing it, even so I want that so hard. I am unable to accomplish it , like my high school I finish it but haven't done the last tests. Now with my college course I didn't feel like going to college when I had to, and now there are consequences. I might be able to finish it in January, if everything will go as expected. If not, it will be another fall and honestly not the last one.

I am currently so down that I haven't got any faith in myself, I feel so low. I am tired of being here now, so I am going to bed , good night.

xoxo

randoms

So I wasn't able to write for the past two weeks, I didn't really had a much time to do so. I have been seeing A for the last few weeks as some of you know, and I think she is helping me a lot. Not that she is showing me the way to go , or give me the solution to my problems , but she is actually listening and make me to think about the solution. Directing me like a guid dog for the blind, which makes me feel more confident. I spoke to her about K (colleague from work who I sincerlely dislike a lot), and then she asked me
- why do feel that way about her, what is it that she does what makes you to be upset and angry while she is around?

She reminds me of my mother, the woman in my life who should set an example, guide her daughter through the life , be a mother and a friend in some ways. But she wasn't and she still isn't. I know that she tries now to be a friend, because I think she is older and more matue than before, althrough I had to grow up fast and look after myself. She was and still is a rude person, hypokritc and arrogant, with delusions - yes she thinks that thigs are happenning when they doon't , but well that was her choice if she wanted to make it right she would liik for help , right?
 She thinks my dad is cheating on her , well if I will be a husband with such a wife I would cheat as well. Athrough we hae differend opinions what cheating exactly is. As for me it is a romantic relationship with somone while you are in relationship. What I mean is that I have sex with someone currently, but I don't consider it a cheating on my husband because I don't hae any feelings for that man it's just a sex. Where for most of the human population cheating means sexual relationship.Well I think our opinions aren't this same for a reason, to make people different, and because we are so varied in so many ways this is the reason we can leave with eachother.

So basssicaly K is reminding me of my mother , and here A made me realise that there is so many simularities between my mother and k, which is good so I partially know where I am with K

Anyhow, good or bad , recently I feel so normal. I dont feel like I am pressured , I dont feel hyper either the only trouble is the sleep, or maybe lack of it. I can not sleep, but I am so tired. But if I have less sleep I have more energy through the day, well thats good but I feel like its not enough , it's a bit confusing. Well it is like most of my life - confusion.

I am going to see my GP on wednesday as A. said that I should do it because of my differend moods and that i dont think fluoxetine helps me much. Maybe there is somethink else there, well at least A suggested that a few weeks back, maybe she is right maybe it is worth to mention . We will see what she will do about it.

xoxo

Back Again

So here I am again with my head full of mess, and frightening thoughts, if I only could or be brave enough to end the pain. But i am not , not as brave and courageous as I wish to be. I was laying in the bed with my little D and thought about cutting my arms , and if I will be strong enough to call for an ambulance if there will be a need to do that. If my husband would find me with my arms cut and blood around, he will definitely say how irresponsible of me . Those thoughts are scary, I just had like two hours sleep an I feel really rested, but my head hurts I have stupid thoughts and I feel really annoyed. I ask M ,my husband to tidy up today , so he had found a time to make it tidy a bit although not to my standard so I had question him, and obviously I used my strength against him. I grabbed his face with my hand, saying that I wanted you to clean ages ago, he looked at me asking if I have to abuse him. I said yes as you aren't doing anything I asked you to do. This makes me so angry , like really properly frustrated and unhappy. Grrrryyy. I feel rough, tired and sad, I feel lonely and desperate. Desperate for what? I am unsure myself, but I have in my head that I need attention. Laying in bed I thought of K she is my problem , and I know they won't rid of her from work. So I had decided to look for another job, yes, I love to work in my current workplace, but I feel like I want a change and that I can not commit full time and without that commitment there is no progression chance for me there. As to be a manager I had to commit full time, working like 39 - 50 hours a week. I still have a life, right ? I just had a laugh with M , it was nice. Yes he makes me laugh at times , so I think It's not so bad overall. But the hell he is annoying at times so much that I can not stand him, like today he put music on and was making moves so idiotic that it made me angry. Why? I don' t know for sure, but it remaind me of J - the guy I was living with after moving to he town I live in now, he was a jerk saying it shortly , and when he dance the moves were so awful like I can't describe. It's just so bad, making me think of it. By the way I meet with him a month ago for a coffee and then we went to his place and we had sex, yes , I know - so stupid . I didn't had my pleasure which was as usual, he is like a hungry lion who doesn't tastes food just consume it to feel full. O well so stupid of me again, and he paid me like £20 for it, and I thought crap I am so dumb, I haven't still learned that he just want to satisfy himself stingy disgusting man. Why am I saying that , coz it was agreed before hand that he will pay me, I am not sure why , because it is not like we lack the money, it is he comfort of me saying I haven't cheated, where my husband doesn't know about it , and its not like I don't feel saisfied with M, I do. But I am weird at times and this makes me feel like yea why not to try something new or different , as it is really new. And now I see him every week he comes to my store he doesn't approach me he is not coming even to say hello, as he suppose to think about my regular sex visits to him , where he will pay me for it. So he didn't contact me and after a week I decided that even if he comes now it is too late, he is too much hassle. Now as I said I see him in my store and I am quiet sure that he knows that I look at him and that I am aware that he is there, but still he is not even looking at me when I spot him. O well it have to ended one day and I think this day had come. Fare well J and I just hope I won't have sex with you again.

So anywa that's crap isn't it it just happens randomly, but I feel so much pressure now, I was wondering if I should really see a doc as A said. I do hesitate to go and see her, but it might be an idea of getting different med , or something additionally to fluoxetine, as I use a propanol in small douses, like ne tab daily and sometimes even not that. Although there are times that I take it more , like when I am anxious or very stressed to calm myself down. Fluoxetine doesn't help as much as I thought it would but stops me somehow from regular binge . I still binge like today I overeat so much hat you can not believe with chocolate , smoked fish and marzepan, and hen I purge it all out through the drain. The amazing thing is that I am loosing weight so now my weight is 97 kg whickh is just below15.5 st. This makes me proud, on he other hand my skin is not so elastic as before so I try as hard as I can to make it tight, though it not exactly happening, but at least in clothes I look fine, right?
Then I binged again when boys came home, as I was feeling hungry but when I eat I usually overeat , and hen I am too full and. Have to rid of that feeling of fullness. I honk I had a bit of a rough day today, I didn't mention that I smack myself across the face today again, beside cuts on. my legs. I feel exhausted at times and as I mentioned in other posts sometimes I wish I could just switched off my mind and stop thinking, so I would use the OFF button today if I only had one. I also realised that I am in bed from yesterday, what I mean I cam home and I went to bed at 5pm wake up at 8,30pm and went back to bed at 9.50pm slept through the night and wake up at 7.17 am, take D to school come
back , and started to write the assignment for tomorrow staying in bed. Then at 4pm after dinner I went for a lay down as I felt really tired, I browsed sme jobs and I fell asleep around 6 pm, I woke up when D. come to bed after his bath and it was 8.30pm. And I lied with him thinking about all the stupid stuff. I feel now like my head is massively heavy, and hurts me . I feel numb and so tired and then tomorrow I have the assignment in college and I don't feel like going there as I feel so tired. But if I won't go I won't finish the course and I won't get the certificate. So pull myself together and prepare for performance review tomorrow.

XoXo