meeting Amanda

So, last Wednesday I had seen my counsellor, her name is Amanda. I thought I will be more obstructive with me giving away all the things I wanted to say. But it was all right, it felt right and comfortable. I haven't been fully open but it is understandable, it was my first session. She listened. Which was grate and made me feel peaceful, talking about things made me jump up and down with emotions. I was angry, frustrated, calm, comfortable, sad, and any other related feeling passed through at that time.So Amanda it is :)
I will keep a diary if I could find a time about the sessions as it is always good to go back and have a look at things we said and discuss.

Other thing is that I lost 2.5 stone, which makes me feel good and comfortable. I still binge and purge, but not as much as before. Although I had been taking senecol at times and I drink oolong tea, I am wondering if that helps. What I realised, I eat what I want but I have 2-3 days a week with very reduced calories intake and this makes me loose weight. I have a chocolate bar, or a cheesecake or a pizza - like today , with dips and I still loose weight within a week I think I loose average a 1kg a week which is all right. I'm happy, as the lost weight I'm keeping off so there is no yoyo effect which is brilliant.

I need to loose another stone till Christmas, so I might be able to reduce the calories intake  until 20th December as then we are going away. It will be great if I can keep it up.

I still get very angry and frustrated , like today when I punch the wall and my hand hurts now and it's bruised. I only wanted a bit "me" time, but of course no one else thought it was a good idea. I just wanted a bit of lay down , but my man and my mother decided that they all need to talk to me!!!! Frustrating , like this couldn't wait. WTF , why no one understand my frustration and then when I shout everyone is asking why the hell I shout! Daa, because no one is listening, what the hell is wrong with all of them. I don't  expect much,only a bit of understanding that sometimes I need time to myself?!

My dreams are still affecting my life, I think a lot depend on them , my mood the people I meet. Like tonight I dreamed about my cousin and she wrote a message on fb to ask me How are things. Weird, as she hasn't tried to communicate for the passed year. Is it a coincidence? I do believe that my dreams mean something more than just a dream.

I will leave now , but promise to come back soon xoxo

random thoughts and my personal hell

I want to tell you about my thoughts, I am afraid recently and I quiet don't undorstand that at all. I feel like my life is somehow coming to the end , is it just my mind playing? I am frighten that the world is coming to the end, weird right? I am unsettled and anxious, I think a lot and I am frighten about everythink. How come I did get to that stage? I am feeling kind a lost in the world of my self. I am thinking what the hell had happend or what is going to happened in the near future.

Today I had a nap at the afternoon due to the bad cold I'm having and I had that dream about work. This was a strangest dream I had in weeks.
I was at work and there was my hr manager from the previous store I worked for, and I hate her. I spoke to one of the colleagues and ask, why she was in our store, and she told me that S our store manager had brought her over to work in our store. What the hell I thought, I was very upset and I wanted to talk to S about it , but the coinsidence wanted her to be around and S asked me what I want to talk about and she answered him, withought giving me a chance to speak to him myself, that this is probably about The HR course I am currently studying. I didn't say anything I just thought , you fucking bitch u know nothing and you speak on my behalf in my presence. I felt degraded as I felt in the other stor with her around. I just can not bear in mind the thought that she will, by any chance working with us! Any way there was that moment with water and drifting house, It looks like floating house which can be standing on the ground as well as floating on the water. This freaks me out as how the hell the house can float?! Besides it is often in my dreams that the house is floating on the water, and what the hell does it mean? I just relaised today that this is a common dream the floating house, and today in this dream I had been talking to the person who wanted to buy the house and I refuse to sell it. And there was a fire, I had seen from the distance the tree in fire and a lot of fire engines going that way, and I felt uncomfortable and weird. And the atmosphere was weird it was dark and it felt lonely and empty.

I feel just sad about all that it gives e goose bumps, and makes me tired even thinking about it.
xoxo

anxiety and stomach cramps

Today was the day where I didn't know what was really happening. I was trying to stay focus but I was unable to. I started cleaning today at the afternoon and it made me so vicious, I was keeping my self tight and didn't had a blow up. So no one had suffered , but what the hell it is for me to hold it back. I was shaking inside like this other me wanted to come out. I was in a state when I thought of banging my head of the wall, to stop the urgency and thoughts of tearing everything apart. I don't undorstand myself and I don't know what cause it, what I know is that I hate to be in this state, as I can hurt people around me and myself. I thought of self harm as well but I was unable to do it, because my hubby planned a sexy night. So cuts are out of order today. But I make myself sick, just eat and eat and eat and then throw, everything, up down the drain. I feel so angry like I would expload in a rage. I still keep myself calm outside, I feel like this massive ball is growing in my throught making me feel pain - it is difficult to describe . I wish I could be easy going and so chilled out but I am not, I an unsettled and unhappy, with my head full of annoying random thoughts.
Now I am worried as well as I am in such a debit, when and how will I pay it of? That question is stuck in my head , but this didn't stop me from buying new shooes for my boy today. It is pathetic, as I know it is bad to spend money you haven't got and then spending them any way and getting in to more debit. I am angry on myself because of that as well. Crap, just stop, don't think, relax, I am tired. Phisically I feel ok, but mentally drained and annoyed by the fact that I am unable to help myself, and that I haven't got the power over that stupid things in my life.

Those random thoughts are annoying as well, because I don't give them enough attention , but some of them are really good. I am forgetting them and I am trying to remind myself what was that I thought of, as it was such a good idea, and I can not remember and this makes me so frustrated I feel dumb.

I really want to cut , to feel the pain as the mental pain is so bad.
xoxo

Sick and tired of Myself

I feel anxious and unsettled. I feel overloaded and completly miserable at times. I am tired and my mind doesn't work clearly , I can't think clearly. I have those milions of racing thoughts I am all confused and disturbed at times. I am feeling angry , every single thing is annoying no mater how big or small. I just feel hopeless and fed up with all the crap around me. I spend around 3000 pounds within last month justto feed the need of buying. I throw a lot of food, because it get expired. I buy too much as for our small family. I had spend 225 pounds on a handbag, really nice and green. Positive colour , right. The pity is the price of it. The money I haven't got. It is just bloody crazy, what the hell , why this is happening to me?! Over spending , binge , not eating, anger, confusion, sadness, mental pain, tiredness, unable to sleep. I think I am overworked - job, college, family commitment, volunteering, and now there is no time for the gym although I am singned up. I might be able to go tomorrow, let see. I just wish the confusion would go away and my mind will be very clear, that is what I want now.

I feel that I can not concentrate at all my thougts change so much. I am having a difficulty to do anything, even shopping as I am forgetting what I have to buy. If I dont do the thing I am thinking of, immidiately, I would forget it, and I try to remind myself what was that I wanted to do and I simply can't. Like I am planning to buy certian groceries and when I am in the store I would buy so many items which are not needed, and forget the one I really want.

I feel just tired.
xoxo