I received the letter today with the dates available to book my short introduction to
CBT - it is called a workshop. It is designed to help understand CBT and make the best
use of sessions- the letter explains.
So she wrote this
letter and at first there is in bold "Review of presenting difficulties
and risk issues".
I quote :
"You have
explained that you have been experiencing anxiety and fear about dealing with
everyday issues, especially work-related once, and that you can be extremely
self-critical. You reported having frequent nightmares which leave you with strong
feelings of sadness and fear. You described frequent mood swings , and said you
face difficulty with binge eating and bulimia approximately once a week. This
difficulty started when you were 13 years of age.
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You explained that
you experience frequent thoughts of suicide , although you would not act on
those because of your family. At times you can slap yourself in the face , and
you have recently started to cut superficially on your legs, as a way to
distract yourself from painful feelings.
You explained that
you were disappointed that it takes so long for you to have some psychological
help. You explained that when you were 20 years of age you were hospitalised in
a unit for 2 weeks, and were told you are borderline, but not offered
psychological support."
So to make this
clear I don't think she really was listening to me, first of all. I will start
from the end of the letter which starts "you explained...".
So yes I
said I was disappointed as I was waiting 16 weeks for "that theraphy"?!
This assessment is
done by G was exactly this same as the one over the phone over 16 weeks ago,
and in the letters they wrote that I will actually have 1-2-1 CBT and that they
had put me on the waiting list and the longest I would wait is 16 weeks! Lie
!
I waited and what?
Did I start the therapy? - No. I am still on the waiting list ! That makes me
fuming inside, makes me angry and makes me feel like, yea no one cares!
The part with the
hospital is alright and that psychiatrist said to me that I am borderline. But
I didn't want their help as they put me on very strong medication and I wasn't
able to think nor do anything. I was constantly sleeping and I felt completely
numb. That's why I decided to leave the hospital, so I had an appointment with
my psychiatrist after the discharge but I wasn't bothered to come to that
meeting . So someone actually wanted to support me, but I felt if I don't take
a good care of myself, no one would be able to help me.
The middle part
"you explained.....Thoughts of suicide" the first part is ok , as yes
I think of suicide but I don't want to leave my son alone I want to see him
grow and starting his own life. About the slapping in the face, I hit myself
not slap, I at times use other stuff to hit myself in the head. Cut
superficially - Hmmm? Yes they aren't very deep cuts and usually they are
superficial. Yes I cut because the feelings of anxiety and sadness, cause
the pain insight me, it is not a painful feeling it is an actual pain insight
my chest.
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"You
explained ....Anxiety" yes this part have the most info , anxiety and fear
yes, but not work related issues. I said to her I changed the job and I love
it. It is just me now, I feel sad and anxious without any particular reason. I
have this sadness feeling which doesn't cause the pain where sometimes even
when I am happy I will feel overwhelming pain inside and I cannot rid of it,
and I am unable to explain that at all. I said about the nightmares I have
which doesn't leave me with sadness and fear, but make my morning mood
affected. What I meant was I can wake up sad and after a moment something will
trigger me and I will be happy, or annoyed or angry, or whatever. Mood
swings, oh yes a lot of mood swings, binge eating and bulimia approx once a
week - hmm lets say 2-3 times a week average, as I don't binge sometimes for
weeks and I don't purge for weeks . But then I have days like yesterday I
binged and purged 4 times, her listening skills are a bit affected. Binging
about 13 years of age , yes approx.
So I don't feel great
about it , the letter doesn't state all the facts, as I said before I don't
like G. She reminds me of my ex manager who I hate so much that I cannot even
describe it.
Where she included
a part about trust and my feelings - like ppl are against me , where she put
that I feel frightened that I don't trust anyone. That I feel like I am fooled
a lot of times , where is the part about the anger and rage, when I explained
her my biggest fear is that I will really hurt my husband or my child. None of
those, but hell yea we will try CBT I just hope I will get it in time.
XOXO
I am in the place
that I am afraid that this can transform to anorexia I don't want to be
anorexic, no offence to anyone, I don't want to be this bony as the girl
on the picture.
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