hmmm...

My thing is, that I don't know where to start. I'm lonely and disappointed , my fluoxetine doesn't help me.

 I binge eat, purge, I have extreme mood swings, self harm, I feel very anxious at times, hate and love, abuse and hurt others, don't care and care too much, I'm sad and extremely happy, I feel the pain so real, I'm angry, and confused. I have suicidal thoughts, and why the hell it is like that. I just want my thoughts to stop thundering in my head. I feel so hopeless, I feel like I need a break.
I'm just tired.

UK

  I came to the UK and I started to live with a man, let's call him J. So I meet him when I was 25 he was 33 at that time, I start to live with him and had a distant relationship with my now husband. He knew from beginning that I will bring my boyfriend over so he was ok, but he wanted me to be faithful to him - no sex relationships with anyone. Ok, so we have been sleeping together, from the first day we had sex was rough he was really harsh and confident what he was doing. He would squeeze my breast so hard that I would have tears in my eyes from the pain, he would come home from work and no matter if I was doing something he would pull his pants down and stick his dick in my mouth, if I refused he squeezed my jaw catch my hair and put it in anyway. He would come onto my face or  into my mouth and prize me that I'm such a good bitch. Yes, this relationship was different. Then one day we decided that we will call massage places and get me to work there. So we did, I worked in one place, he didn't like it , so he took me there one day and told me by the door to bring my clothes back and we are going home. Wow, the women who was running it tried to convince him, as had already a few clients booked, but he said no. Then I found a new place with Julie running it, it was brilliant we had nice customers, some regular once, everything was going well, J was coming over at evenings when I was staying in the flat by myself or with another girl just to keep us company. Never mind that, I had sex with people through the day and he still insisted to have a shag with him sometimes more than twice. I was kind a exhausted, but I enjoyed it, after a couple of months he decided that I haven't got enough time for him, and said that I should quit. I went for easter back home, and come back and never gone to work there again, then there was his friend coming over to visit from Italy, and he took me, him and another couple of friends out to the night club. In the middle of the night he told me to take his friend outside because he wants to shagg me . O well I thought why not. But there were people everywhere, so will called J and called the night. I told him I was taking his friend home, so we had sex, and when he came back we had a threesome. And I cannot say I didn't enjoy it, it was nice. So J was a huge part of my life, we had ups and downs with our freaky relationship, but it was alright, still sometimes I will see him, and yes during the last 5 years we had sex 3 times I think. I don't know why I won't just cut him off completely, maybe he has something I desire.

So I liked to be with him, no issues whatsoever if he was in threesome or when I was getting paid for sex with others. But he could be a pain, accusing me of cheating and making me feel small at times.

Sex

Beware the post contain very strong language and might be very triggering.


I feel like letting it all out, so please don't read if it might trigger you.


I'm just one sad person today.

     I just realised today how pathetic I am.
 Just now I was doing all the fucking bad things, I beat myself - all over the head and face, again, and sexually abused myself - if I can call this that way- put metal clips on my nipples insert apple in my vagina, lay on the floor on my my breast to hurt more. With that voice in my head saying that I am a fucking whore, that I'm only good for fucking. I don't know why but I had stopped in one second and thought that for my whole life I was really a fuck object. I was finding a random man to have sex with, I was having so called boyfriends where sex was the main and most important thing, I got paid for sex, I lied, cheated, masturbate to feel the pain. I was doing all that to be loved. Yes , to be loved. But how the hell I could be loved doing that?! I just remember that when I was 13 or something I didn't know really what the sex is, but I remember going to the attic and abuse myself - I have all forgot about it. When I was younger I was going to the church with my brother- he is 4 years younger. There was a small forest by the church and we have gone there, it was winter a lot of snow and cold. I don't know how and why but I remember that I stripped myself and wanted him to do this same, but he didn't. We had never talked about it and it was that one time only. I feel so anxious now, that it's hard to breath.

There always was something in me that attract man although I wasn't slim or even the right weight, I was always overweight , could even say obese. There was this couple of guys who I meet when I was 16, they were over 25 and they were working as a truck drivers transporting wood from the forests to the Woodyard. They always called me when they were around my town so I will meet with them had a chat and drink and then have sex, I would do the blowjob to one of them and the other one was fucking me. Or in most cased they would take turns to put a dick in me.

 I always had a way to find people to have sex with, I very rarely felt sorry, I didn't care that I had a boyfriend and I was so in love with him. I didn't care if they were married or had children, I didn't want a relationship. I'm not into sex as much as before. Now I will more hurt myself than masturbate for a pleasure of sexual fulfillment. I  neglect my sexual relationship with my husband , who is brilliant in all of those things, honestly. I feel like I was a sex toy and I never have been sexually abused as a child, or if I was I don't remember that.

  I don't think I am a sadomasochist -( Psychology- the combination of sadistic and masochistic elements in one person, characterized by both aggressive and submissive periods in relationships with others).Or maybe I am, I would rather tight my breast, insert strange things into my vagina, beat myself up, hurt my nipples, abuse myself verbally and not have an orgasm. But having sex with my hubby will include a rough sex, he never abuses me verbally though, he just isn't able to hurt me really, so our relationship isn't sadistic or masochistic. 

So yes, I am the fuck I don't know what, I have no bloody idea why I am doing it, it's like in my head it makes me angry. I just feel that I was born to suffer, and I hate to suffer and I make myself suffer, why the fuck me?!

I hate when they use me at work , giving shitty jobs to do. I'm a bloody supervisor and they use me to do crap things. I feel humiliated and angry and frustrated and then I cut myself, as I feel hurt and worthless, why then when I' m hurting myself sexually is different ? Why do I let man have what they want? Why work is so stressful for me , I feel used, worthless, humiliated, taken advantage of, stupid, not in control, exhausted, frustrated, hurt.

Why do I beat myself , why do I insert things in me, why do I cut myself, why my head hurts that much, why I want to cry and I'm unable to, why do I want to scream, why if I would have some stranger to fuck me I would go for it, why do I hurt my breast so much , why I pull my hair,why do I want to feel the bloody pain???? Why the hell I haven't got anyone to talk to?!?! O and now I cry

It's so bloody hard, I cannot cope. I need to stay strong, but I feel so bad, I just still have hope.

Believe

Believe - to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so.


Do you believe? I do, I do believe in things and that there is something looking over me. I do know that I have my guardian angel - let's say, and that he is watching over me. I know that there is karma - doing good will return you good , doing bad will return you bad. I do believe in God , I'm a Christian and maybe that's why I have faith that there is something which we call god and I pray at times, usually when I want something or when I'm frightened. How bad of me, isn't it? I pray when I need something, but there are some moments that I pray coz I remembered to,or I want to thank for something what had happened, so it's not that bad then. I believe in magic that there is a way of making things happen, like making someone love you - I actually did it. When I was with my, then, boyfriend I read a lot of books about black and white magic, he was really upsetting me with his behavior and I was so in love with him. He would choose his mates over me, go and meet with them but don't come to my place and even didn't bother to call. So I thought I will try to make a spell from the book, and I did, and now he is my husband BUT I didn't think about consequences and I haven't thought through what could happen. He is this same lazy person as he was before, it takes him forever to tidy up and he is the main mess maker together with our boy. I'm the one who does everything- and that's when I get upset. Everyone is saying that I know everything and I'm so clever, but I want a break sometimes I want someone else to look after me to care for me, to serve me, to deal with everything so I wouldn't have to plan and think of different solutions to the problems. So, yes, I believe in magic, karma and God. I do believe as well that things are happening for a reason and we are the masters of how our life will turn out. Taking into example myself - I screwed up my life, actually people around me did it - mother and father and the rest of close people, raising me that way, that now I don't know who I am, and what I want in life, I haven't got a hobby, and I can not control myself, I will expect me to be the best and I'm not, and they haven't taught me how to cope with that, I will get angry for no reason, I will hate, swear, hit, punch and think, I think a lot. Sometimes I feel like switching off and I can't, and my head is hurting so much from all those thoughts I feel so crazy. I have been an outsider for my whole life, I had been doing things no one else, I knew, did. But I learn how to cope with some of my issues, and there was the time I felt better but now, my old life is back again and it's harder than it was before. But I believe that there are some supernatural things watching over me, They makes me feel safer, more in peace, calm.


 There I was, on the checkout serving customers, an additional part of my job- at times, and customer approached my till. Hello Hope - she said, hello- I said in reply and smiled. The woman looked worried but smiled back. How are you, I have asked , I had a terrible week, she said. She was with her husband, he as well looked a bit different. I tried to change the subject while serving them, but she was repeating the - bad week. Then she said that on monday her daughter bought a new car - second hand from someone, and the car had blown out. Her daughter is only 23 she was repeating , I got goose bumps allover me, so I asked, is she alright? The lady said - yes, thanks god to the two men who jump out of the car from the opposite side of the highway, jump the barrier in the middle and shouted get off the car, so she did, and then she saw fire at the bottom of the car and a few seconds later the car had blown out. She showed me the picture, there was nothing left from the car just the frame. OMG I thought the girl cheated the death, or it was karma, or the God's doing or just her guardian angel done his work. The women said that her daughter hasn't even had a chance to thank those two people who saved her life, because the moment she was out of the car they turn around and go back to their car and drove off, coz the traffic started to get worst.


 Then she said that they went for a dinner during the week to one of their friends and had a lovely time, and at the end of the week on Saturday morning those friends found their 20 years old son dead in bed, he died in his sleep. Such a tragedy.




So I do believe that there is something powerful, isn't there?


I wish we all could master the way of protecting ourselves and the loved ones. 


XOXO