My lovely son,  was  naughty and so we decided to discipline him. We wanted to put him to the naughty corner, and then he snapped. He was very upset throwing things from the sofa on the floor, and screaming that he doesn't want to go. I was watching how my hubby took him and sat him down in the naught corner. He screamed and shouted at him , hit him as well, hubby got frustrated.
This is not the normal child behavior, is it me who cause all that mess? I think so, I can not say that I don't love him, I do love him dearly. He is my biggest love and the best thing that ever happened to me. But I think he has feeling issues which he cannot describe, throwing tantrums at us.
I went there and try to talk to him, he didn't want to talk, he didn't answer my questions he was very angry  moan mmm,wrryy and so on. I told him that I love him very much and that brought his attention. Yes I thought , that's the way I want him to behave. I got his attention and I said - I know that you are sad, and I know you are tired and I love you and want all the best for you, have you seen daddy, how sad he is? - He said that he is really tired and he wants to lay down , I got some kind of a conversation from him, which is an achievement. I asked him if he knows why he is in the naughty corner , he said he doesn't, so I told him - because you were naughty, throw things from the sofa, you shouted at daddy and you hit daddy. - He said yes, so I ask him to go and apologise to daddy, he did - although my husband ignored him (!!!) and I had to mind him to give little D a cuddle. D went to bed to lie down. I said to my hubby that this is really stressful for him and that he is feeling very low and he might think that we don't love him- as he reacted with attention when I mentioned that to him.
I am so worried that my LO will have this same life as I do, I don't want that life for him. I want him to be happy and loved, I want him to understand his own feelings and why people react the way they react. I want him to know that I love him very much. I cause him pain, I can scream at him and I know this is the wrong thing but I can not control that. I feel sad because of that and he has nothing to do with who I am emotionally, and he suffers. I don't want to be like that, I don't want to scream and shout at him but the trouble is I can't control my reactions, and that is why my boy has those problems now. I am a bad mother  but I want to improve, I want to become a better mum. I want to understand myself so I can help my son and help myself with life. I am so sensitive regarding my behavior and I don't want anyone to know about those issues, but now I realise it's not only me who is affected it is my family and closes friends, and I now understand that they don't have to go through the hell I went through and that's not their fault, and that they don't have to suffer. Some of my friends left and I have never seen them since, but my son doesn't have a choice I'm his mum and he needs me. He doesn't want that angry, abusive, harsh outer me he needs a calm, supportive, reliable and caring mum, who will guide him him through the life. I wish I had someone good in my life.

When I was 15 I had my first intercourse with the man who was 30 years older than me, he was my friend's uncle. The girl lived in the village and was studying in the city I lived in. My mother knew her parents some how, and on the school exams I met her , and we decided that we could give her a bed in my room and she could live with us. So she did, and we were going back and forth between her village and city. One day her uncle come to visit, and offered to take us to the night club. So we were pretty excited to go, we weren’t able to buy any alcoholic drinks but we were able to enter and have a nice time dancing. When we arrived there (around 20 minutes by car) he asks me to stay in the car and the girls to go and have fun, and when we all questioned him he said he needed to talk to me. So they agree to go, and I assure them that I will be fine. That was the worst decision, he said it’s my choice, or I will have sex with him or he will leave us there and we will have to come home on our own. So after contemplation and discussing situation with him, I agree to have sex with him , but I didn’t have any other choice. That was the worst thing ever , I felt dirty, ashamed and so so bad. I have met with him a few more times, as he would say that he will tell everyone, taking into consideration that I didn’t want anyone to know I would do whatever he wanted me to do. But one day I just said enough, and so he went and told people that he had sex with me including that girl's father. So her father called me names, he said I am a whore and so on. I had to leave their house with the next bus, so I did. Later on I went to the library to check what can I do to protect myself from that whole situation, I find out that I can sue him, but I thought I will keep it safe just in case if anything will happen. This girl still lived with me for a couple months, and we barely spoke to each other. One day, some time after the incident her mother comes over to visit and it was me and her only and so she told me that her brother's wife want’s (the girl uncle)to come over to my parents and tell them the whole situation. I was scared and said that if she would do that her husband will go to prison and so I have never heard from him or her since then.

06/04/2012

I thought I will have a really good day today. I woke up happy and full of energy. I started to clean up, doing laundry, washing up and so on. I even bake some pastry with jam, which weren't really nice, but still  spend nice time with my son doing them. Anyway they went to the bin :( But I did enjoy doing them.
 And then came this bad panic attack, the worst I had in weeks taking into account that I'm on propranolol which suppose to help me with anxiety. It didn't work the way it should, I felt like I'm having a heart attack. I was sweating, having shortness of breath, felt confused, and frightened by the whole situation. Couldn't think of anything to relax, so went to bed for a nap. Now I feel nauseous, and uncomfortable. Just tired, and I don't know why, there was nothing to trigger that at all. Oh well I hope tomorrow will be a better day .

CBT

I got a call at evening today from Right Steps , I have been put on the waiting list for Cognitive Behavior Therapy. I don't know how I feel about it, I hope it will work for me and from what I read, just now, its quiet challenging and has a good rating helping people learn how to manage their feelings. I ask how long I will wait for the therapy and find out that it will take up to 16 weeks , sigh. Never mind I waited that long so now it will be much easier as I know it has been put through.

I feel so empty I thought before if they will put me for therapy I will be so exited. I am not, now I want to read what this all CBT is about.