Randoms, who am I ?

It is hard to live as me. I am troubled mind with the mood reaching the sky high. I am unable to control myself , as my therapist said on the last session that there are people who can not resist the need of having a chocolate , or a cigarette , alcohol, food etc. but with me is more than food and dieting and cigarettes. I am one of those people who feels like a failure constantly. Did you ever had the voice in your head telling you what to do ? How worthless you are and that you don't deserve to be happy, what a nightmare you are as you  are fat , overeat , making yourself sick , sex with a disgusting man ,cutting , punching, hitting yourself and you just can not resist the need of doing so. Then you feel sad because you ask yourself why? Why do I do that why I don't  have a control over my own life, why I hurt myself with the rage, and those closest to me. I wonder, how it is to be ordinary, the life most likely is much easier, I want to believe. For me I have to fight the nightmares of everyday living. I can not be alone, as when I am, I have this disturbing thought and voices in my head which doesn't want to shut up. Even if I want the other me to shut the hell up , she might laugh, saying how much stronger she is , than that weak me, which everyday wakes up facing all the challenges. The other me is the thought one, she doesn't give a shit about anything and anyone, and sometimes I wish that she might stay out forever, and this little scared me will go to the second plan.  Only to come out when there is no storm outside ( peaceful day with sun shining and kind ppl around) . Well that's how I  think about her. I like the rough me coz I know I can handle a lot then , and no one will be able to take advantage of me. There is the other point I had decided that I won't see the man with whom I cheat on my husband , just because I realised how disgusted I am by him . He is awful and so stupid and just OMG not worth it. Well I presume that sleeping with him was like a punishment for me , although for what ? I haven't got idea. I always had someone disgusting on the side, only for the sex, I always felt physically dirty , ashamed , I felt like I deserve to feel belittled.  Though I hate when in my professional life someone belittles me , then I feel attacked and try to hide I think that everyone is against me , and I am so fragile at that point. Although I will fight my husband if tries to do that, he is not able to make me small if he do I either feel very small and cry or very rough and powerful and then I hurt him.

Well I still discover who I am , what happened in my life to cause such a chaos. If this was my parents fault and I got to he point that I felt so abandoned then I looked for a bit of attention in men and my weapon was sex for that matter. Or I am an attention seeker , I definitely am , but why? I want to be the best in everything I do , I want to show that I am capable of everything . At work I try to be as strong as I possibly can , but it doesn't work like that sometimes.

Well now my therapist is telling that she thinks I am more of bipolar to her, fair enough , you know that life is like never ending story , we still discover chapters everyday writing he pages of the life we live . She knows what to look up for when I am coming to see her where for me , when I saw psychiatrist it was like hours may by days. Well she said she will try to feedback her observations to the psychiatrist I see. She even thinks I might need more psychiatrist then therapist , well I don't know . I feels comfortable with her, but now I suspect that she doesn't want to see me as much as I want to see her. Is it true ? Or is it another part of me being irrational. I want to discover who I am and I will take everything they are able to offer to find out who I am and why I am like I am.

Thought life.

Xoxo

Liars

I feel so dump, for trusting people .
The only person not a professional and not my husband who I did trust the most betrayed me, again!

There was the time I needed to sort things out at work , and he came across as a trustworthy person , who is able to understand what I am going through. I give him all the details about my health for him to be able to understand, and now I feel like a foul. Just because today he said something completely different the we discussed before. It was about the bonus we receive yearly at work , I didn't get it. Though 3 weeks back he said I will get it , and that I should spend those money to go away and relax , and now he tries to tell me that it wasn't the case. Liar , that is the only word stuck in my head from the moment I spoke to him today.

Now I am in the position where I hate that I trusted him , it is not about the bonus anymore , it is about the trust I put in him. I don't give a daim for the bonus, I don't fucking care, I am pissed off because he lied , I don't want his fucking pity. I will survive and get stronger from day to day.

Just because he said he have to think what to do about this bonus, I thought what the hell? Then I said that he told me that I will get it, what a naive idiot am I , he said he have to have time to reflect on it. What the fuck to reflect on , he could say , sorry I have done mistake , I told you you will get it but I haven't put this through the system, I will think if we can do something about it. I will understand and I wouldn't call him a liar, but in the way he spoke to me and the way he dealt with things makes me so angry, not only at him but myself,

I feel so disappointed and so tired of liars. I feel like I want to harm myself as my soul hurts again!

I feel exhausted, and I hate, and I am so disappointed.

Don't trust anyone, as there is no one in the world that want to genuinely help you

I still don't learn from my mistakes.

xoxo

tough time

I am tired of people , tired of all that crap they say and do. Why? I again had been in a situation which made me feel worthless and hopeless without ability to understand what have been going on. As I came to work on Wednesday last week I had seen that my name have been removed from supervisor schedule, it was frightening and immediately made me feel anxious to a state I didn't want to be at work. I had seen my manager but he looked occupied so I decided not to disturb him , and just  wait until he will come  over and talk to me about it. Though this didn't happened , well long story short, he said that I am doing mistakes and forget things, and it will be best FOR ME to be on the till for 2 WEEKS !!! I felt like this is punishment for my incompetence as a person in charge , where actually it wasn't.

A couple of days earlier I had a conversation with my store manager and he asked me what he can do to help me go through the tough time. I said I don't really know, I was confused and not in the state to really decide. Then on Wednesday it was him who actually made the decision for me, which I would understand , as we had this talk , beside he knows everything about me and the difficulties I am currently experiencing.

My department manager is a piece of shit, he is the worthless person ever who doesn't know how to work with people is very unprofessional and dumb. Yes those are the words I can describe this person with.

He hurt me so much that the next day I was really suicidal, I called Mind and the hospital with which I am outpatient and talked to a social worker on duty who actually helped me to go through the tough period of time. I hate that it makes me feel weak and I hate to feel weak. One idiot can screw your life completely.
It makes some sense.

He have very visible behaviours like my mother, this brings the mother memory back to me , her being really hurtful and nasty that is how I perceive him.
I feel better now, I hope I won't get in to such a state any time soon.

xoxo

panic attacs

   
       

My panic attacks get worse recently and I am in that position when I am fed up with everything around. I just want to sleep. I found myself in the mood where I think of cutting my veins out just for the sake of being relieved. I feel like I choke with the air I breath I am unable to control my panic and this makes me feel worse every time I have the attack .
 Currently I am so fed up that I don't want to bother with anything. I struggle to keep up with my daily routine and additionally I realised that my husband isn't sleeping well due to my attacks, he is awake every time I am having one. And is still awake when I finally go to bed , which sometimes is an hour or two from the time I woken up. He doesn't want to worry me I think that's why he stays in bed and I think he still thinks that I don't know that he is awake. But when I do go to bed he asks me if my attack had passed , so obviously he is not asleep. Then when I ask him why he is awake, he wont reply to me , sometimes. Well now it doesn't affect only me but people closest to me , like my husband . I hate that feeling. I feel again like it might be better without me , so no one will worry. I will be in peace and their life's could be better. I worry what will happened if my son face the situation , when I will have the attack and then if I will loose consciousness , what he will do , how it will affect him, how this situation will affect me ? So many unanswered questions in my head.

 This is so difficult and sad, as how my 6 yer old can cope with the picture of his mum loosing control, collapsing and not responding ? What affect it will have on his future, will he be afraid all the time, will he cope with this better than I think? I am so scared, like I had never been before. Maybe I should ask my husband to live his job and then he can be with me all the time and then I might feel less anxious , but on the other hand we need the money he is earning to survive. So many questions, like I physically have difficulty to deal with it and think about it puts e in so much emotional pain. I feel again my heart pounding, and I feel like again I am detached from reality around me . I didn't know that detachment is part of anxiety and it is actually a panic attack. I find it out recently as last week my therapist told me that I had panic attacks before I started the therapy. I wasn't sure what she meant so I have done my research and find out that feeling detached , week , weird in sense of being are all panic attacks. So yes I did have them before I started the therapy.

I need a BRAKE , I feel so tired, I feel emotionally exhausted and physically weak.

xoxo