that's me

    Well, I haven't had a full night sleep for ages, because my panic attacks. Tonight I slept so well I did not woke up with attack , and it feels good , feels so ordinary. I feel at ease although still thinking about binging , I have bad cravings and then I eat massive amout of foods , differend foods , as much as my stomach can fill in with , and then I purge. That is how I feel. Before even I will take the first bite I already know that at the end I will purge it out the drain. Why? I dont know , I can not explain that bizzare behaviour. I gained so much weight and I am so upset about it, but I can't control those binges I just eat everythink I will find and then I have to throw up. I feel bad about it , as I havent got money to spend on the food which go down the drain. Making it easier for me will be a king of anorexic turn, this will definately make my life easier, but I am unable to control myself as the anorexic girs do. I am amused by they power over the food and I would love to be as powerful as they are, but unfortunately I am weak. I can not be in control of my food urges, how bad is that ? I know that what I do is bad for me , but I still do it, I undorstand that this have an effects on my health but I still do it , as well as the money spend on food can be spend on somethink else , but no I spend it on the food , which again I stress - is going down the drain! Stupid !

I feel like I need to control it but I cant , I wish I will be more strict with myself , but I am not. I dont pity myself, even if that sounds like it. I am just angry that I loose control. The control I don't have any way.

On the other hand I dont selfharm by cutting, which means I find other ways of harming , which here includes bingeing and purging. So it is the old story , making myself suffer , for some unknown reason. Sometimes I think of cutting, but currently I just think , I don't act which is good , this feels a bit like in control. Like cheatting myself but still it is a kind of a solution for me, right?

I feel calmer and my mind is more clear than before, although I got dizzy very often, like my world is spinning and the picture is weirdly moving, the kind of a wayve motion. Then stops and goes back to normal. Though I know for a fact that it is strange and not quiet normal , but then I just got off the fluoxetine and they give me olazepine, but due to side effects I had stop taking it. I just take propranolol for my anxiety. I suppose to stop it as well, and stay on olazepine but I just can not bare the side effects. I know I should consult my doctor , but she said that I have to carry on with olazepine because it was prescribed by psychiatrist. Well that means that I discontinue it myself, besides the psych said that if those tablets make me gain weight and if I will feel like it's affecting my mood and if it will bother me too much then to stop taking it. Which I did.

Now I have to work on loosing weight again, I want to sign up for a gym a bit later and I bought a bicycle, so I can ride it to work. O and I take orlistat for a weight loss , as I just get so frustrate of the fact I am so fat.

So main focus now is on loosing weight

xoxo

pain

It's 2.30am , and I feel very low, just because I feel like I missed so much in my life. Now I know what's wrong with me and what steps I should take to make it better. But now I am 32 years old and that's my problem , I feel old and like I can not do so many things. I feel down because I gained those bloody 10kg , grrryyyy, but the hell I still overeat, so why I moan?!

I moan because I gained weight and I feel so low , and I feel sad, and I comforting myself eating, and it is the bloody circle which has no end , right? As this will repeat again and again , like a bloddy pattern.

I think about my grandparents, they died , and I feel so sad , they died years ago. But now I remember visiting them , and it is nice sunny weather. The grass is green , the trees have lovely green leves, it's sunny and so peaceful. I haven't cried for a long time , and I have tears in my eyes now. I feel heavy in my cheast and so sad, I miss that time , I want to go back , I feel like I want to be this little girl back again. I feel like then I was happy , worry free. My heart hurts and tears drop from my chicks. It feels weird, I don't understand why this is happening. I am getting concious now,split minustes, and I feel better. Although still sad but better.

I woke up to another panic attack , which is so dreadful. I feellike now I am taking control over it , not fully but I am trying to distract myself , so then the attack last way shorter then they did before.

I think about my nan again, and it just makes me more sad and brings those childhood memories. And I feel like I don't want to think ABOUT IT . So good night, till the next time.

xoxo

please help with weight loss!

Hello,

I don't know what to say , I had been thinking to writ some post for ages but never actually did it as my head was completly empty. I think due to my medication changes I had been more of a stranger to myself than I had ever been before.

I am currently stopping fluoxetine, which on one hand is good as I never thought that this medication helped me in any way. Now though, I feel like I need it , such a coincidence, I suppose to stop the propranolol as well , and started olazepine 2.5mg for my panic attacks which doesn't help.

I was taking olazepine for the past 2 weeks , and I feel like dying , why ? Because I gained so much weight! I mean 7kg !!! I want to tear my hair off , and want to scream , and eat more and I am so angry that I get all the bloody side effects, but the med doesn't work as it should. My panic attacs are more recent then before , for them now there is backing off. I started to cary on with propranolol , I hope it would help, as I am genuinly fed up with the way my life goes at the moment.

I am signed off work for a week and I might take additional week just to try and sort myself out, I don't feel well at all , I am tired , frustrated, eating like a food monster. I want to loose weight again!!!
7 kg can you imagine ?!

 I WOULD WELCOME TIPS AND ADVISE HOW TO STOP EATING PLEASE I AM VERY DESPERATE AND VERY ANGRY AND SAD. PLEASE HELP ME!!!

I have often panic attacs , they are 3- 4 times a day and olazepine isn't helping, the only thing it did was to make me gain weight :( So I decided to stop it , as my belly is bigger than my boobs at the moment, I have difficulty moving, I am tired , constantly hungry, feeling sick because of so much food in my stomache. Grrrrrr ! I am so angry that I couldn't manage it better.

I think of selling something on ebay , I actually thought about make up , like CK , LOREAL, MAC, BENEFIT and all those known brands. Well I want to see how well I will be able to manage it. Then I will have a bit of satisfaction - maybe.

I purchased a bike, nice , new, purply - pink, and I havent ride it yet. Well I actually bought it for work and small grocery shopping. Believe me it is such a nice bike , which looks and fill very big.

I feel tired it is 4.02, I might have a cigarette and go back to bed

xoxo

thoughts and actions

I haven'                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  t been here for a while, but I am back noe. Why I didn't post for so long? I just didn't thought of doing it. My last post was about the LABLE I received frm the psychiatrist. Now a afew weeks on and I am gaining terrible amount of weight , I am currently 110 kg !!!!

So I decided to take tis in my own hands , meaning - I will stop olazepine , just because from the time of taking it I gained 7kg, which is around 2.5 week. Not good !!!

This makes me even more anxious and unhappy, well the weight gained and the panic attacks I have.
From today I am cutting olazepine and I will see how my weight will go .
I still have my panic attacs which are so kommon now.They make me so exhausted.

I am cutting on fluoxetine as well, and I should stop propranolol. But considering all prons and cons I will stop olazepine and cary on with propranolol and we will see if there is an improvement. I am just so tired and fed up with them attacks.

XOXO