tired

I am in a bad place right now,the attacks keep happening and I feel so tired of all that. I dont know what is wrong with me and the GP doesn't know either. I am unsure what I am doing and why am I doing it. I cut today , one cut to my leg, it didn't hurt at all , it didn't even bleed much. But it was deepest ever. It is bleeding now and it is a bit painful. I cover it with a dressing but I know I should had it stitched, though tomorrow I will set up a first aid kit for myself, if for any reason this will happened again. I will need a plasters which can be used as stitches and some dressings to cover it all up. I was surprised that the cut was so deep, and I felt like I will faint, as I hate the look of blood, and the wound was deep and I could see the skin layers - yuck.
Why I have done it ? I was in so much mental pain , my heart was hurting , my head felt so heavy. I was at work and I was in a very low mood , like I wasn't before. I REALLY HAD TO PUT AN EFFORT TO SMILE. I felt good after , it strangely made me feel relieved and so light inside.
I thought to myself that it doesn't hurt me , which was strange, but it took my mind off the pain I felt inside. I was feeling better.

I will see A. tomorrow I feel fed up like there is no help for me. No one wants to help an I haven't got the power to keep fighting, I feel like I am so alone and no one cares. I feel soooo tired.
xoxo

suicidal thoughts

I am.

Am I?

Tired and sad, with a head full of mess , I am worried sick, what I worry about? Everything i.e

my hospitalised mother , who might die any time , as she is loosing ability to get the oxygen into her system

my work, delusions which persist highly in relation to coworkers

my GP, as this little shit woman doesn't do a thing for me  and treats me as her guinea pig - as she wants to try medications on me and see if they will work , but refuses to send me off for psychiatric assessment as she claims it is a waste of time ( her almost exact words were, instead of doing those long tests we will try medication upgrading the fluoxetine dosage and give additionally ...)?!? WTF!

I worry constantly and this prevents me from ability to function as normal. I feel like I am so slow as never before. I take so much time to do things and I hate it. I move slowly, I don't talk as usual, I hate when people talk I am just unable to even listen. I feel so tired and kind a detached. WTF is going on now?

Is it another depressive, low mood, resigning moment of my pathetic life? Am I so tired of this shit that I am even unable to talk and listen, I think a lot though, I think about everything especially my mother.

I know right , she hurt me a lot, and I hate her for that but at the end of the days she is my mother, right. I don't forgive her for hurting me before, but hell if she die, I will drop even lower, I don't think I will be able to function at all then.

Fuck sake, I am so pathetic, fat and useless piece of shit , who doesn't deserve to be in this world. Even fucking GP doesn't think like there is a serious problem with me, WTF she wants? Dos she wants me to slash my wrists and bleed out and then she might think , actually she really needed help. How long can I stand this? How long I will be able to keep going, how strong I am yet? Why my screaming isn’t heard, maybe it’s not loud enough.

I am afraid on the other side, afraid that I will lose it , I had thought of harming myself for the last couple of weeks, and I managed not to cut every day. Which is an achievement.

I am confused, paranoid and so anxious that it makes me sick.

xoxo

Trust

Truly I want to thank you all for reading this blog, as I am then aware that I am not alone and that people feel similar or even this same way as I do. For that and for the comments left big THANK YOU XXX.

Yesterday I have seen my therapist A. I told her everything about my worries and that I have more stress because of the illness of my parents and my brother's family - they constantly have chest infections and bronchitis, what is worse that most of the year 1.5 year old and 3 year old boy is ill. This makes me very upset as why a child has to go through so much. I told her about SHE - which you met in a previous post, and that I am so angry at my GP as she doesn't trust me. I have asked her to have psychiatric assessment , to find out what is really wrong with me. It is a year now from the time I had gone to the doctors in relation to anxiety and stress , and I had seen people regarding that. Although there is more to the stress, depression, anxiety, overeating, binging, dieting, self harming, anger, rage and abuse. I wasn't just ready to tell her about my pain, my fighting thoughts, my racing thoughts, that I had been addicted to sex especially with man who were older than me , way older. That I spend the money I haven't got, that I hurt people who are the closest to me . That I am this scared and sad little person in one moment, and in a matter of minutes I can become cheerful and very active .

I told her that I want the assessment by a psychiatrist, and she asked me why?

I said - My therapist told me that she thinks I am bipolar and that it is worth to check it, 

GP- can you give me her phone number so I can talk to her?

Me  - I haven't got on me but I will call the surgery and I will leave it for you.

Why did she question that, I wouldn't ask for something if I was convinced that she is able to help me. But now she questioned it, and how possibly I can trust her now? I will see her today and what should I do just make it plain and just give her everything what I have on my plate? 

On the other hand I don't trust her, how could I trust someone who doesn't trust me?

Another thing is that A. actually told me yesterday to tell her everything , but I know I somehow did tell her briefly about all the symptoms , but I think she didn't even consider to help.

Many people are aware that if you self harm they will stick on your label of attention seekers. And to surprise all I will agree here, I wasn't before. But today I thought to cut my veins open so I will be taken to the hospital , and then they might put me for the psychiatric assessment. But what will happen if it will be too late? I self harm and I don't agree that I am an attention seeker here, as I cut the places no one could see, I have bruises on my body but no one can see them either, I am abusing myself sexually and no one has even an idea what I can do to myself. But taking into consideration cutting my wrists and having to go to the hospital , yes, that is attention seeking as no one want's to really help. This is crying for help, bringing attention that I asked for help and nobody helped me. I know it sounds weird and confusing, even I feel confused now. But this is how I personally see it. The worst and scariest thing in all that is that I might die, and I don't want to die.

Well I am tired and frustrated, and the worse thing is that I had changed so many doctors during this year and I thought that she is the ONE for me. But is she now? I haven't got the power to look for another GP, it is a waste of time and effort.

XoXo

so you know I am broken

I am broken as you are aware, I am mad in my head and soul. I suffer and cause pain to myself and others, I'm not well under the stress. I wish I could be better, but everything is just not right. I am broken inside in million small pieces which is so hard to put together now. I am mad in my head , I have thoughts fights with myself. I am in a lot of pain , the pain is so overwhelming that the other me takes control over too fast. I fight the other me and I try to be reasonable and happy and reliable. But this bitch is just too strong at times, maybe not even strong but she want's her way, is persistent , makes me feel under pressure and then in a snap of fingers I am giving up. As I am writing it she is shouting , although I try not to pay attention to her as she had hurt me already today, now she is laughing. How strange I feel I am frightened. She makes it happen. 

 

If you only knew how sad, tired, wrecked emotionally I am now you wouldn't want to be me. And I would happily swap with someone to have a bit of sunshine in my head, as at the moment there is a tornado and dark heavy clouds. I am tired and angry, I was more angry before I was actually raging , this was directed towards myself. I think then the other me was more out than in . But as she has done so much harm she is somehow satisfied so she is a bit hidden now.

I want to cry and I am unable to, although if I am with people and I feel sad I will start crying or at least have watery eyes. My whole body aches, I move very slowly because I am exhausted, I want to fall asleep as I feel so tired but I can't as she doesn't let me sleep, she has so many ideas , or she just insists on harming myself. And I lay in bed and not moving , as I don't want to give her any satisfaction and then in a matter of seconds she is out and she is acting, doing what she can the best - RAGING. She is at times like this vicious dog which doesn't know if there is a danger , dog will attack just because of fear.  Is she then frightened, is that the reason the inner me is raging, fighting, is rude, sometimes even she is a he, god my head is messed up.

 

She was in charge for so long that I barely know me, I have different masks for different ocassion and honestly I don't even know if it's her or me. But hold on, me and her/him is still this same person. The difference between us is that I'm naive, she is most delusional, and he is rude.

He - is only when I sexually abuse myself , he - is the voice in my head who tell me how pathetic, fat and worthless whore I am , he tells me that I am made to suffer. He often is in my head when I have sex with another man , and he was there for most of my life, hidden in my head and coming out when there was a need. He wasn't vicious though like the inner me is.

She - Is raging me , angry , sad, vicious, hyper, quick thinker, acting fast, using common sense, she - is strong and confident as well as delusional , dark, broken, a fighter. She is with me constantly she takes over at times when I cannot cope, though she isn't there as much now when I need her. She is over for some periods of time in my life but then she hides and comes out from time to time , like now. When I reach the culmination point, and I cannot handle it as it is - she is there, she supports me and she is liked by others. She is cheerful , so I think most times she comes out when I am at work , but then I am there as well , it feels like we swap from time to time while at work. She is the one who say do not eat, who saying that I am a fat, disgusting human being, she makes me purge, she tries to control me. She is the one who thinks about diets, calories, self harm , she was the one to develop my cutting. But with the Self Harm we all 3 are in charge of it. She is stubborn and fair to people

Me - I am soft, considerate, loving, sad, scared, reliable, worried, blank, plain, tired, hurt, anxious, depressed. I am me now, and I feel sad and extremely tired, I want to sleep, hide in the mouse hole and sleep it through till the better days will come over. I am peaceful, and happy, I love animals, I pity myself . I would binge eat, I would self harm, I would cry, and I will feel this lump in my chest which makes me anxious. I am the reason of having those panicky things, as I don't have confirmation that those are panic attacks, so I call them things. I feel like my head is massive right now, and as usual I feel sad and tired. 

So , You know I am broken, and this is the inside story of me. Is this all , no, there is more, but that will come out within the time . Those 3 me, are the strongest and they are often here. I am at the stage when I hate the way I am treated by my GP, and honestly NHS don't really care. If they would, my GP wouldn't question me when I had asked for psychiatric assessment, she should do it anyway, before putting me on any medication. This makes me so angry , just because I finally asked for help, but it seems like I would be better off without it. 

That is why I am who I am, and as I am .

XOXO