Trust

Truly I want to thank you all for reading this blog, as I am then aware that I am not alone and that people feel similar or even this same way as I do. For that and for the comments left big THANK YOU XXX.

Yesterday I have seen my therapist A. I told her everything about my worries and that I have more stress because of the illness of my parents and my brother's family - they constantly have chest infections and bronchitis, what is worse that most of the year 1.5 year old and 3 year old boy is ill. This makes me very upset as why a child has to go through so much. I told her about SHE - which you met in a previous post, and that I am so angry at my GP as she doesn't trust me. I have asked her to have psychiatric assessment , to find out what is really wrong with me. It is a year now from the time I had gone to the doctors in relation to anxiety and stress , and I had seen people regarding that. Although there is more to the stress, depression, anxiety, overeating, binging, dieting, self harming, anger, rage and abuse. I wasn't just ready to tell her about my pain, my fighting thoughts, my racing thoughts, that I had been addicted to sex especially with man who were older than me , way older. That I spend the money I haven't got, that I hurt people who are the closest to me . That I am this scared and sad little person in one moment, and in a matter of minutes I can become cheerful and very active .

I told her that I want the assessment by a psychiatrist, and she asked me why?

I said - My therapist told me that she thinks I am bipolar and that it is worth to check it, 

GP- can you give me her phone number so I can talk to her?

Me  - I haven't got on me but I will call the surgery and I will leave it for you.

Why did she question that, I wouldn't ask for something if I was convinced that she is able to help me. But now she questioned it, and how possibly I can trust her now? I will see her today and what should I do just make it plain and just give her everything what I have on my plate? 

On the other hand I don't trust her, how could I trust someone who doesn't trust me?

Another thing is that A. actually told me yesterday to tell her everything , but I know I somehow did tell her briefly about all the symptoms , but I think she didn't even consider to help.

Many people are aware that if you self harm they will stick on your label of attention seekers. And to surprise all I will agree here, I wasn't before. But today I thought to cut my veins open so I will be taken to the hospital , and then they might put me for the psychiatric assessment. But what will happen if it will be too late? I self harm and I don't agree that I am an attention seeker here, as I cut the places no one could see, I have bruises on my body but no one can see them either, I am abusing myself sexually and no one has even an idea what I can do to myself. But taking into consideration cutting my wrists and having to go to the hospital , yes, that is attention seeking as no one want's to really help. This is crying for help, bringing attention that I asked for help and nobody helped me. I know it sounds weird and confusing, even I feel confused now. But this is how I personally see it. The worst and scariest thing in all that is that I might die, and I don't want to die.

Well I am tired and frustrated, and the worse thing is that I had changed so many doctors during this year and I thought that she is the ONE for me. But is she now? I haven't got the power to look for another GP, it is a waste of time and effort.

XoXo

so you know I am broken

I am broken as you are aware, I am mad in my head and soul. I suffer and cause pain to myself and others, I'm not well under the stress. I wish I could be better, but everything is just not right. I am broken inside in million small pieces which is so hard to put together now. I am mad in my head , I have thoughts fights with myself. I am in a lot of pain , the pain is so overwhelming that the other me takes control over too fast. I fight the other me and I try to be reasonable and happy and reliable. But this bitch is just too strong at times, maybe not even strong but she want's her way, is persistent , makes me feel under pressure and then in a snap of fingers I am giving up. As I am writing it she is shouting , although I try not to pay attention to her as she had hurt me already today, now she is laughing. How strange I feel I am frightened. She makes it happen. 

 

If you only knew how sad, tired, wrecked emotionally I am now you wouldn't want to be me. And I would happily swap with someone to have a bit of sunshine in my head, as at the moment there is a tornado and dark heavy clouds. I am tired and angry, I was more angry before I was actually raging , this was directed towards myself. I think then the other me was more out than in . But as she has done so much harm she is somehow satisfied so she is a bit hidden now.

I want to cry and I am unable to, although if I am with people and I feel sad I will start crying or at least have watery eyes. My whole body aches, I move very slowly because I am exhausted, I want to fall asleep as I feel so tired but I can't as she doesn't let me sleep, she has so many ideas , or she just insists on harming myself. And I lay in bed and not moving , as I don't want to give her any satisfaction and then in a matter of seconds she is out and she is acting, doing what she can the best - RAGING. She is at times like this vicious dog which doesn't know if there is a danger , dog will attack just because of fear.  Is she then frightened, is that the reason the inner me is raging, fighting, is rude, sometimes even she is a he, god my head is messed up.

 

She was in charge for so long that I barely know me, I have different masks for different ocassion and honestly I don't even know if it's her or me. But hold on, me and her/him is still this same person. The difference between us is that I'm naive, she is most delusional, and he is rude.

He - is only when I sexually abuse myself , he - is the voice in my head who tell me how pathetic, fat and worthless whore I am , he tells me that I am made to suffer. He often is in my head when I have sex with another man , and he was there for most of my life, hidden in my head and coming out when there was a need. He wasn't vicious though like the inner me is.

She - Is raging me , angry , sad, vicious, hyper, quick thinker, acting fast, using common sense, she - is strong and confident as well as delusional , dark, broken, a fighter. She is with me constantly she takes over at times when I cannot cope, though she isn't there as much now when I need her. She is over for some periods of time in my life but then she hides and comes out from time to time , like now. When I reach the culmination point, and I cannot handle it as it is - she is there, she supports me and she is liked by others. She is cheerful , so I think most times she comes out when I am at work , but then I am there as well , it feels like we swap from time to time while at work. She is the one who say do not eat, who saying that I am a fat, disgusting human being, she makes me purge, she tries to control me. She is the one who thinks about diets, calories, self harm , she was the one to develop my cutting. But with the Self Harm we all 3 are in charge of it. She is stubborn and fair to people

Me - I am soft, considerate, loving, sad, scared, reliable, worried, blank, plain, tired, hurt, anxious, depressed. I am me now, and I feel sad and extremely tired, I want to sleep, hide in the mouse hole and sleep it through till the better days will come over. I am peaceful, and happy, I love animals, I pity myself . I would binge eat, I would self harm, I would cry, and I will feel this lump in my chest which makes me anxious. I am the reason of having those panicky things, as I don't have confirmation that those are panic attacks, so I call them things. I feel like my head is massive right now, and as usual I feel sad and tired. 

So , You know I am broken, and this is the inside story of me. Is this all , no, there is more, but that will come out within the time . Those 3 me, are the strongest and they are often here. I am at the stage when I hate the way I am treated by my GP, and honestly NHS don't really care. If they would, my GP wouldn't question me when I had asked for psychiatric assessment, she should do it anyway, before putting me on any medication. This makes me so angry , just because I finally asked for help, but it seems like I would be better off without it. 

That is why I am who I am, and as I am .

XOXO

mother

So I feel like the christmas at home was a good by to my mother, she kneed by my bed at some point the night we came over. She was suffering , she was unwell, she just came over kneed by my bed and said something to me , I don't recall what though. I just remember thinking " I forgive you , you are dying". Strange thought and weird , the next day I was wondering why I thought this way. I didn't know. Last friday we called a doctor to check her as she was poorly for the whole two weeks I had been at home. The diagnosis was pneumonia, with high possibility of astma or other kind of chest illnes. WELL my brother texted me today, call me quickly, I got very anxious I thought he will say that she died. She hasn't , but doctor come over today and told her she needs to go to hospital , she refused and dismissed a doctoctor- doc hasn't prescribed her any antibiotics, as she said they won't make her feel better. Well that is her chois, as usual sefish and hipocritic, doesn't take into consideration other people around her. She told my father that she knows that he wants to rid of her?! WTF?! She is so delusional , it is unbelievable, she told the same thing to my brother, so nothing is going through to her head. This is compleately out of order. So I know for sure that the mental health is in a way afected through generations, as my nana was very simular, suspicious and so concious of people, she didn't trust no one, she made people think that she is such a lovely person - but was she really? So if my mother won't go to the hospital any time soon it might be shortly to l;ate for her, and she will die.


What will hapened? Will she go to the hospital or she won't?

xoxo

again ...

So.... It's me again I want to write, I always do feel like it but not always feel like posing .
I am here in the kitchen with two screaming parrots, cigarette in my hand and feeling cold. I just half an hour ago was going to the toilet, returning to bed and had been short of breth, had tangling feeling in my hands, my head was like it will expload in matter of seckonds. I took some ventolin to ease the brething problems and go down to sit in the kitchen.

I wonder what could actually be wrong with me, I am still anxious about not knowing, why certian things are happening, whyI feel that way, why do I every day have those feelings of extreem weirdness? Those things are driving me crazy, as I don't know what is wrong and what is the reason for it, and this makes me anxious. So after return to home, I will book an appointment with GP , and see what she will say, if anything.
Till then I have to survive, and I realised now my heart hurts. Why I don't know , but it's a weird feeling. I have many weird feelings but those are on regular basis. Well I am tired and maybe I could use some sleep again.

xoxo